I found this on Facebook. I think that Ellie really needs to read it and listen to what it says. I have edited it slightly for grammatical and spelling errors.
Insecurities are not feelings we are born with, but some feelings we pick up during our lifetime, based on other people’s opinions about us, which to be honest are from people who are not happy with themselves in anyway or have their own issues and struggles. They have to make us feel inferior so, they can connect with their own issues and imperfections. Telling us how imperfect we are, they avoid looking at themselves.
Where does that leave us in our own insecurities? It is time we start to put our foot down and say NO MORE, we will not carry around other people’s opinions about us. Especially when they are only true from their point of view. It is time we cast out all our old Insecurities and embraced the new us that we are meant to be.
One good way to do this is through affirmation—to know in your heart you are worthy of love, kindness and affection, just the same as anyone else. We are the only ones that can protect ourselves from insecurity and others opinion….
Affirm yourself every morning—I am intelligent, successful, beautiful and unique. There is no other person like me on this world and God doesn’t make MISTAKES!!!!
Let your soul soar and fly high! MY SOUL IS LEARNING to soar and fly high come with me is beautiful!!!!!!
I have known Ellie for her entire life. She is one of the most beautiful, smart, successful and amazing women I have ever met. That is why I love her so much. That is why I have walked through fire and pain for her. That is why I have tried to help her. That is why I want to spend the rest of my life with her. That is why I asked her to marry me.
At one point, she clearly knew she was beautiful, strong, and smart. It shows in her face, in the way she carries herself and in her smile. This photo, of all the ones I have of her, shows it the most clearly in my opinion.
Ellie--cool, confident and beautiful--out for dinner with me and her family.
Yet, something happened, and it appears to have happened in the last year, to cause her to doubt that she is beautiful, lovable, desirable, intelligent and strong. She is no longer comfortable in her own skin—no longer comfortable being who she really is. She hides behind drugs and alcohol and tries to be something she was never meant to be. And doing this is killing the amazing woman I love.
I blame Ian, her first serious boyfriend for cheating on Ellie. That happened about a year ago as I understand it. I’d point out that Ian’s inability to be faithful to a beautiful and intelligent woman like Ellie says far more about him than it does about her. It is his weakness and flaws that caused him to cheat, not anything Ellie did or any flaw of Ellie’s. Some men just don’t know how to be faithful or keep a commitment. The woman he cheated on her with was nowhere near as beautiful as Ellie, though some might say my opinion is biased.
I blame some of the “friends” she has. People like Chelsey, Jarrod, Suzy and LeeLee, who have all fed her addictions without any regard to what doing so was doing to Ellie.
Of course, she has chosen to surround herself with these people—to call them her friends. She has forgotten something I’ve told her time and time again.
Let go of those who bring you down and surround yourself with those who bring out the best in you.
Instead, her addictions have made her surround herself with people that bring her down and feed her addictions, and push away the people who love her and want the best for her.
I want her to know:
The only people worthy to be in your life are the ones that help you through hard times, and laugh with you after the hard times pass.
The people she has surrounded herself with now will never standby her. They have no commitment to her and do not love her. They have used her and made her so much less than she should be.
Most of all, I blame her family for not giving me a chance to help the woman I love. I blame them for not supporting me in trying to get Ellie the help she needs. They are the people that should love Ellie the most. They are the people that should want to help her the most.
I blame them because they are all in denial of Ellie’s illness, even though her mother asked me to talk to her brother about his drug abuse, alcohol abuse and chronic depression just two years ago. It amazes me that they can not see what she has been doing to herself. I blame them because the did not care enough about Ellie to see the kind of people she was bringing into her life—the ones that have the same problems with drugs and alcohol that she and her brother have.
I blame her parents, who have abandoned their parental responsibilities to her since she was 13 or 14.
I blame her father who has been emotionally abusive to her mother and her for most of her life. The fact that her father has this same clipping up in his office says a lot about his attitude towards women, especially his wife.
The Good Wife's Guide from 1955
I blame her brother for not being able to see past his own illness and recognize that she has the same affliction.
This is what she has let herself become:
420 is stoner slang for smoking marijuana, and it certainly looks like Ellie is toking on a joint.
This shows the toll her addictions have take on her looks.
Ellie posted this after a long night of work, drinking tea with her mother, and smoking weed--in her own words, she said: "Tired af...worked mad, smked mad, shower bathrobe bedtime night *"
The damage to her spirit, mind and internal organs can not be seen, but is there nonetheless. Does she look happy? Does she look confident? Does she look like she even cares? The answer to all that is no.
Now, that photo was taken at 0230 in the morning after a long day…so one might think that is the reason for her appearance. But I know it is not. Here is a photo of her taken even later at night after an even longer day.
Ellie wearing the fleece cape I gave her around 0300 in the morning.
While she is clearly tired in this photo, she doesn’t look apathetic or exhausted—she looks happy. This photo was taken at 0344 in the morning, after we had come back from a long walk in the early morning mist while down at the Cape. She was comfortable with who she was then, even though she was heavier and less physically fit than she is now—she was far healthier in so many ways. In my opinion, she is far more beautiful in this photo than she has been in any of her recent ones.
Ellie used to have such great goals for her life. She had dreams and ambitions.
Steve Jobs on crazy dreamers
She was one of the people that Steve Jobs talked about—one of the ones crazy enough to change the world. She wanted to leave her mark on the world and I believed in her. That is why I always supported her dreams and wanted to help her make them come true.
All those great dreams, those great goals, those lofty ambitions, have died because of her addictions. It isn’t that she doesn’t have them anymore. It is because her addictions have changed her into someone that doesn’t have the will, the courage, the strength or the drive to accomplish them. What her addictions have made her doesn’t even have the courage to try or love herself enough to want to change.
Why she has forgotten how beautiful, smart and strong she is I can’t understand. I have always told her what an incredibly beautiful, smart, stubborn, feisty spirited and strong woman I see in her. She has something most people will spend their lives searching for and many never find:
The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences and mistakes and yet still sees the best in you.
The tragic part is that she has someone that knows how incredible she is—even though he knows all of her flaws, her differences and seen the mistakes she can make. She has someone who knows she is beautiful, smart, and strong. She has someone who believes in her and will always help her do whatever she sets her mind to—me.
Even now, I still see the incredible woman I love beneath the damage her addictions have caused. I have been one of her closest friends for many years. She has trusted me with her dreams and secrets. I have known her all her life. I have seen her at her worst, and yet still I want to marry her—spend the rest of my life with her. Still, I love her—even after all the horrific things her addictions have caused her to do and say. I have seen her when she was younger, playing the part that earned her the nickname “THE BITCH” from her family—and I still love her.
I wish she would: Work her hardest. Think her smartest. Dream her biggest. Be her greatest. Love her fullest. Smile her brightest!
But she has stopped working to be her best. She has stopped thinking. She has stopped dreaming. She has stopped loving anyone, including herself most of all. And I have not seen the beautiful smile since June—the smile that I would do anything for her just to see it light up her face.
One recent post I saw said:
Love which has been tested by distance and obstacles, and has passed, is called true love.
I think the love I have for Ellie has been tested enough to claim the right to be called true. The commitment I have shown her, the loyalty I have towards her and how I have fought against all odds to try and get her help say it all.
I wish she would believe me. I wish she would see that I only want for her to realize she is ill and ask for help in getting better. She is destroying everything I love about her. She is letting her addictions turn her into something that she should despise and be horrified by. She is letting her addictions destroy her future, her health and her body.
If she wants me to help her, all she needs to do is show me that she wants my help by making her amends for the lies she has told and then asking me to help her. If I see that she is fighting to get better, there is nothing that could stop me from helping her. But she has to ask. I can not fight for her alone any longer. I have tried that for seven months. It has cost me in so many ways.
If she is not willing to fight to save herself, I can not help her. She needs to be there, fighting alongside me.
Even God can not help her if she is not willing to help herself. I doubt that it was ever God’s Will that she become an alcoholic or a drug addict. I doubt it was ever God’s Will that she not know what an amazing person she is. After all, she was created in His image. But, she was given the gift of free will, and she has chosen to follow the path of addiction and alcoholism that she is on. God’s Grace can not protect her from herself.
In three days, I will give up on my beloved Ellie. That is the day she starts back to school. I am sure that if she has not gotten help by then, she is truly lost. Her addictions will cause her to lose her scholarship and she will no longer be able to attend the school she is at. She will be forced to drop out because she can not afford to go there any longer. The blow to her self-image, given how important attending this college was to her, will be enormous. I fear that she will turn even further into self-medicating with alcohol and drugs. I will not stand by and watch her destroy all that I love about her.
So, I have started to put away what I have written about her on this blog. I do not believe she is reading any of it any more. Even if she is, it is pretty clear that she doesn’t care about what I have said, that she doesn’t believe the clear evidence I have tried to show her. Her addictions are too strong. I would not believe that my strong amazing stubborn Irish lass would fall to them.
I need no reminders of what I have lost—of what we have lost. I need no reminders of the tragedy that has befallen the woman I asked to marry me back in June.
I need not see the words I have written to try and warn her to get help—to ask me for help—knowing that if she loved me enough she would. What I didn’t realize is that drug-addicts and alcoholics love nothing but the drugs and alcohol their addictions crave. Unless she finds the strength, courage and will to stop being a drug-addicted alcoholic, that is all she can be.
I know she is strong enough, courageous enough and stubborn enough to beat her addictions. What I don’t know is if she will ever find the will to try. I keep hoping she will. I keep hoping she will see something is wrong and ask me for my help.
One recent post I saw said:
Have you ever noticed that the more special you treat someone, the more that someone takes you for granted? as if you won’t ever change.
I guess that’s been very true for me and Ellie. She has taken me for granted. She doesn’t realize that I love her, but will walk away when it appears that she has become a victim of her addictions. Even as much as I love her, I can’t stay and watch her slowly die.
I have failed my beloved Ellie. I do not know what I could have done differently, but no matter, I feel that I have failed the amazing woman who loves me. I know this doesn’t make much sense—I know that I have done everything I possibly could have to try and get her help; to try and get her to see that she is ill and needs help. But, nevertheless, I still feel I have failed her, much the same way I felt I had failed to save Gee. I keep thinking that maybe if I had loved them both more perfectly or cared about them more, things would have turned out differently. I know that isn’t true.
Nothing could have saved Gee—and nothing I can do will save Ellie. She must save herself. I can help her, but she must be the one who starts the process. She can ask me for help—but unless she does, I can’t help her any more. That she doesn’t love herself enough to save herself is why I have to walk away.
It is proof that the woman I love—the proud, courageous, strong, ambitious, smart, beautiful, stubborn, feisty, and sexy woman I love doesn’t exist any more. If she did still exist, her anger at how she did last semester should have outraged her and caused her to want to change—forced her to face the reality that her addictions are affecting her mind, her ability to learn and her education—all things she was proud of.
Aliens erased my brain with Weed and Alcohol.
She may think this when she finally realizes she has a problem, but in reality the only one she has to blame is herself. No one forced her to drink or smoke weed. She’s far too stubborn a woman for that to have worked.
But she’s not angry about her grades—not that I can see. She’s not angry about how Jarrod had used her and thrown her away. She’s not angry about how Ian cheated on her.
The woman I love would stop drinking and doing drugs because:
- it affects her ability to learn;
- it affects her mind;
- it makes her lie about the people she loves;
- it makes her hurt the people who she loves most;
- it drives away the people who love her most;
- it is destroying her beautiful body and face;
- it is damaging her health—destroying her brain, her liver, her lungs, her digestive tract, her heart and her kidneys;
- it has made her become something I know she would despise—something I can not stand—a drunk driver;
- it has made her so much less than she should be; and
- most of all, because it has made her doubt herself and not love herself.
She has not, and that is why I believe that my beloved Ellie is a victim of her addictions.
That is why I have to walk away from the wretched thing she has become. She is no longer Ellie—the woman I love. She is no longer Ellie—the woman that loves me. She is no longer the beautiful, confident, smart, ambitious, feisty-spirited, fiery-tempered Irish woman I love. She is just the abandoned shell. In so many ways, she is already dead, but her body just hasn’t finished dying yet.
I know that Ellie would want me to move on, to continue with my life—because, like Gee, Ellie loves me and only would want the best for me. So I will learn to live without her—someone who has been a part of my family and my life for nearly 20 years—someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I will mourn her and grieve for her as I have mourned and grieved for no other, even as she continues to destroy herself. I have never loved anyone as much as I love my beloved Ellie, nor loved anyone as long as I have my beloved Ellie. I doubt I ever will. I will not stay to watch her complete her self-destruction. Then again, I do not believe Ellie would want me to see what her addictions have turned her into—after all, that is why she pushed me away this past summer—because she loves me and did not want me to see.
May God be with my beloved Ellie. May He watch over her. May He guard her and protect her—even from herself. May He grant her the strength, courage and will to fight her addictions and return to being the amazing woman she once was. May He deliver her from evil. May He return her to the people who truly love her. May He bring her back to me.