I have to wonder why she’s wandering Boston alleys late at night, especially since she’s no longer living in Boston now that the school semester has ended. She’s probably drinking or doing drugs as she has been for much of the last year. This is pretty likely considering one of her friends posted “Grass is greener on that street!” So, I would guess that she’s trying to buy marijuana to feed her addictions.

I keep praying she’ll figure out that what she is doing isn’t healthy and that she has a problem with drugs and alcohol…but she hasn’t yet. If she doesn’t seek help soon, I fear she’ll lose her chance at achieving all the hopes, dreams and goals the beautiful woman I love used to tell me about.

Given this and how unhealthy some of her more recent photos have been, I really am worried for her health and safety… but she’s an adult and she has to learn that there are consequences for her choices now. Some of those consequences may haunt her for the rest of her life.

I hope that you will do what you know is right in your heart. I hope that you will fight to save yourself. I hope that you will stop lying and finally tell the truth—especially about us. I hope you care enough about yourself to fight your addictions.

Don’t let your father make you less than you should be. He’s a bully and a coward. Look at how he treats your mother and how badly he’s treated her for years. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical to be damaging. Psychological and emotional abuse is just as damaging and far more insidious in many ways.

Didn’t you tell me you couldn’t wait to get away from him years ago?

I hope you will do what is right for the person you said you loved last June. I hope you will fight to be with me as I have fought to be with you and fought for you. I have always been there for you. I have always been someone you trusted and relied on. I still am.

I love you. I am still here for you, but you have to help me if you want me back in your life.

As always, your beloved Dan

The links in this post are four years old, and the government may have changed the location of the files or deleted/renamed the files, so the links may not work. It has nothing to do with my website or blog, as they are hosted on the government website.

Realizing I loved you was very unexpected. I never thought of you that way for so many reasons, but once I realized I loved you and how much my feelings for you had changed—I realized you were perfect for me.

Being there for you, because I know what it’s like to have no one there for me. I’ll always be there for you, no matter what. I put your problems in front of mine.

I always have put you ahead of me, even before I realized I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Why do you think I lent you a laptop your senior year of high school. Why do you think I gave you a cell phone to use when you broke yours? I’ve always been there for you.

A real man will put his girl in the spot light, not hide her under the sheets.

I’ve always been proud to be your friend. I’ve always been proud to introduce you to my friends. I’ve never been ashamed of you until this past summer.

Some women are constantly pushing away guys that actually care…. because they’re still in love with the one who doesn’t.

I don’t know if you’re still pining for Ian or Jarrod, but neither of them deserve you. You know I actually love you and care for you. I have for years. I have proven myself to you over and over, time and time again. You say you love me—so prove it. Choose me.

A real man brings the best out the woman he loves—he makes her a better person and sees her potential. He doesn’t give up on her.

This is what I have done for you all your life, even before I wanted to marry you.

Maybe you don’t believe you deserve someone who loves you unconditionally—despite your flaws. I believe you deserve to be loved with all my heart.

Maybe you don’t think you are worth loving and being cared for. I believe you are, and I have all your life.

Maybe you don’t realize how someone can believe in you the way I do. But I do believe in you—because I know you, I trust you and I love you. That is why I support you, and want to help you reach your dreams and achieve your goals.

Those silly conversations we had, those nights where we stayed up late talking to each other. I miss them all, every one of them.

Remembering you while listening to a love song….

I look for you in everyone…

I miss being with you. I miss the long talks we had that lasted past sunrise. I miss walking in the mist at night with you down on the Cape. I miss so many things about you—about us. I am sure you are the one Gee told me to look for. I know you love me.

If you truly love someone then the only thing you want for them is to be happy even if it’s not with you.

I really just want you to be happy, healthy and successful, even if it doesn’t include me. But, I know you love me, and I think that we would be happy together. If you didn’t love me, why would you tell me you did? If you didn’t love me, why would you push me away when I was concerned about your drinking?

You make me sad, angry, and sometimes I can’t stand you!…Did I mention I’m in love with you?

This is so true, especially when you are under the influence of your addictions. You are so much better than your illness will let you be. I love you even when you’re sick, because I know that you love me and that you are an amazing woman and you can get help and become the woman I love once again. Why won’t you ask me to help you?

You shouldn’t give up. Fight for yourself and who you are. You’ve got to go through the worst times.

I know you can beat your addictions. You are strong enough, smart enough and stubborn enough. You just have to choose to do it. Don’t give up on returning to being the woman I love—the brave, smart, stubborn, smart woman that loves me. Don’t let your addictions win. Don’t let them destroy you or make you less than you should be.

There’s nothing wrong in making mistakes, what’s wrong is letting it stay as a mistake without the effort of making it right.

You’ve made mistakes, but you can fix them. I forgive you. You just have to make amends for the horrible things you’ve done and the lies you’ve told. Are you too proud to do what you know is right? The woman I love isn’t—she knows right from wrong and would never let such a wrong stand uncorrected.

In relationship, honesty and trust must exist. If they don’t, there’s no point of loving, so if you can’t afford to be honest, stay single.

I know you’re basically one of the most honest people I know. It is your addictions that have made you lie. I still trust the woman I love. Come back to me. Choose to be yourself once again. You are so much better than what you have been for seven months.

Every end has a start. Every start has a decision. Every decision has a reason. And every reason has a meaning.

Do you really want to let your addictions end our years of friendship? Do you really want your addictions to throw away the love, devotion and caring that we have for each other? Your addictions do, because they are threatened by having me in your life. Why do you think the addictions made you lie and push me away?

love cannot only be found in the good times, but also when they are able to stay strong after a storm

If you can remember how much you love me and find that love again, nothing can stop us. If we survive what your addictions have made you do, we can survive anything.

The only thing that will make you happy is being happy with who you are, and not who people think you are.

Stop trying to fit in with Jarrod and his crowd. Stop trying to be a gangsta bitch. Be yourself. You’re magnificent and beautiful and you should be proud of the amazing woman you really are. That is who I love so very much. That is who loves me. Choose to be yourself. Choose to be with me.

When two people really care about each other, they will always look for a way to make it work, no matter how hard it is. When two people truly love each other, they’ll always look for a way to be together.

I want to be with you. Look deep inside your heart, isn’t it me you really want to be with—the person you love; the person you trust; the person who has always cared for you; the person who has always supported you, your dreams and your goals; the person who has always been there for you. Why would you tell me you love me so many times if you didn’t want to be with me?

Love is when two people know everything about each other and are still friends.

You and I have trusted each other with our deepest secrets. We are friends, whether you are willing to admit it or not. We love each other. Why would you throw that all away? For what? What are your addictions going to give you in the long-run? They will ruin your future, ruin your health and ruin your life.

Refuse to lose, refuse to be defeated, refuse to be cheated, refuse to have regrets.

Sometimes you have to make decision about what it worth fighting for and what isn’t worth fixing.

Are you really willing to let your addictions decide who you are? Are you really willing to let your addictions win? Will you let your addictions destroy our friendship of years—will you let drugs and alcohol rob you of the love, devotion and caring we have had for each other for so long? Will you let your illness destroy your future and your health and your looks?

The sacrifices you make for love are sometimes useless, especially when the one you love doesn’t know how to appreciate it.

You don’t seem to know what being steadfast to you and keeping my commitment to you has cost me. It has cost me pain, suffering, anguish, sorrow, tears, money, and time. I love you and think you are worth it. Why would you want to prove that you’re not? Why won’t you be true to who you really are?

On the first day of our story, the future seemed so bright.

For a week everything was amazing. We loved each other. You told me you love me in two languages, dozens of times. Why would you do that unless you really do love me? We talked about having children—Asians with freckles. Why would we do that if you didn’t want to marry me and spend our lives together?

You are stronger than you think. You are beautiful, smart, stubborn and you love me. If you can just ask me to help you, I know you can beat your addictions. No one as beautiful, smart and strong as the woman I love would ever let her addictions beat her. I have never lied to you—so believe me now. See yourself as I do.

Sometimes, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.

I don’t believe this is true for you and me. I know you are the right person for me. We fit together so perfectly. Take a chance—take a leap of faith—something made you say you love me—something made you learn to tell me “sarangheyo”. Believe in it, even if you’re not sure about it. You said you loved me for a reason. Don’t let your fears, insecurities and self-doubts win. Be the incredible woman I love. Believe in yourself, believe in me. You said you love me—prove it. Show me you’re really the amazing woman I know you to be.

If you were trying to hurt me—well, congratulations. You’ve been doing it for seven months now. Can you live with that? Is that what you are now? Have you really become someone who doesn’t care about her life-long friend; doesn’t care that she has hurt someone she loves; doesn’t care that she has hurt someone who loves her?

The Ellie I know and love cares about people. She would never hurt someone she loves intentionally, and would try to make things right if she did. She would apologize and make amends. She would be ashamed that she lied about someone she loves. She would be embarrassed at doing the things you have done over the past seven months.

The Ellie I know and love—the woman that loves me—is sweet, loving, compassionate, and generous. She would want to protect the people she loves. She is proud of herself and what she does. She is confident and strong and believes in herself. She would never do things that she would be ashamed of. She would never debase herself or give away her dignity as you have been doing. She would never let her addictions control her.

Ellie is the one I love and will never leave, the love with us can only grow stronger

The most amazing person you will ever meet. A bit sarcastic but mosly lovable! If you don’t know her too bad! The people who have met her are extremely lucky! And you should never push her away. A little bitchy at times but who’s not!

Ellie is THE most amazing person in the ENTIRE universe. She will be your best friend, and you can tell her anything. She knows what you’re going through and she’s always there for you and somehow everything important happens when your with her. She can be a bit bitchy at times, but you love her anyways.

A super bubbly, nice girl. She is smart, pretty, and loves old-school music. She is someone people like being around. An Ellie is an amazing friend

A fun-loving kind, pretty girl, who tries her best to do good but sometimes fails, a true friend, who, if you get to know her, you WILL fall for her

being kind and gentle to all, loving every living thing

The most amazing best friend anyone could ever ask for. She is always there for you even if you almost never get to see her. Shes tall and beautiful but sometimes doesn’t see it for herself. She is AMAZING!

Ellies tend to be very creative, and they are often very funny in a sarcastic kinda way. An Ellie is usually very relaxed and chill, partly because she is a habitual stoner. She is very generous though, so she will probably share her weed with you! She is also an amazing artist. She can hold grudges forever, so you should never offend an Ellie. If you do, she will probably give you the cold shoulder, and if you continue to disturb her peace she will become a total bitch. If you are nice to her, she will be an amazing loyal friend.

Please note, while I did not write any of these, I definitely agree with some of them. Ellie, the woman I love, is most definitely an amazing person.

That’s what I’ve been doing…and I probably do want this relationship more than her…but there are times when I am beginning to believe Ellie just isn’t worth it. She’s an alcoholic and a drug addict and all she is capable of loving is her addictions at the moment. Until she is mostly healthy, she isn’t going to be capable of love–either giving it or receiving it. And she won’t get healthy until she admits she has a problem and then asks for or seeks out the help she needs. I can’t help her until she starts to help herself, and I just don’t see her doing that anytime soon. There are times when I am not even sure that the amazing woman I love even exists any longer–she may have become a victim of her addictions…

“Smoking and cooking–the joys of life”

Of course, her parents are probably both at the Cape house, like they were most weekends this summer and she is doing drugs and they have no idea that she is risking them losing their house if she gets caught doing drugs there. While I’m not positive where she is, I don’t think she’d be cooking and smoking anywhere but home and she tweeted:

“On a cooking spree #housewife”

and

#thatmomentwhen you look damn good but would rather just stay in and chill out

makes me believe she is at home.

“Love how my mum texts me to say beauty and the beast is on…smh knows me too well”

Is why I am pretty sure her parents are at the Cape house…no need to text someone if you’re there with them… and she wouldn’t be smoking and cooking if her parents were home with her. But Ellie doesn’t think she has a drug/alcohol problem, and either do her parents. But they stopped being her “parents” and caring about what she really does or giving her any guidance on what she is doing years ago. I know this because I took over doing that for them years ago.

I’m sorry to hear about so much loss Dan, and about your Ellie and the tough times she’s having. I am certainly someone who understands addiction. I have been to many Al-Anon meetings in my life, and am still waiting for my brother to hit rock bottom.

He is a recovering heroin addict. Every time we thought it was rock bottom, it just went deeper. Addiction is a very tricky thing and is just as hard I think on the people who love the addict or alcoholic as it is on those who are suffering. We can never know for sure until we walk in someone else’s shoes though, but I do believe it is an illness and they can suffer greatly from shame and self-hatred in addition to everything else.

It is so complicated and so very hard to see those we love at the mercy of alcohol or drugs, sick with the need to self-medicate. I am sorry you are both going through this. I will pray for you that Ellie finds her way and that you do as well.

I too am sure it is an illness, but unfortunately, one that does not have an easy cure, and no chance of cure unless Ellie herself realizes she has a problem and asks for help.

I believe it is her shame, embarrassment and self-hatred that has cause her to tell the lies she has this summer and caused her to push me away. I do not believe she would have pushed me away unless she truly loved me as she told me she did earlier this summer, when we were discussing such matters as the names of the children we wanted to have, the fact that she adores Asians with freckles, and so many other things relevant to our starting our life together.

Unfortunately, the only person that seems to care enough about her to try and help her is me. Her father and brother are both alcoholics, and deeply in denial. Her mother is terrified of her father and that fear has prevented her from trying to help Ellie.

I would agree that in many ways the people who love an alcoholic or addict suffer far more in many ways than the addict does. It has been difficult trying to stay aware of what Ellie is doing, and being close enough to her that she will be able to ask me for help, since it also means I can see her slowly destroying herself and her future.

The Al-Anon meetings have helped immeasurably. Like the TTSGI meetings, one way they do help is that they show me that I am not alone in this situation. Another way they help is the tools and resources that they give me and the insights into the problems that Ellie’s illness causes me because I do love her.

Part of me feels terrible about this, but I truly hope that she fails her classes this semester, since I believe that doing so is the fastest and least destructive way for her to hit rock bottom. At the same time, part of me wants her to do well and succeed, but knows that if she does, she will never get the help she needs. This is especially true since she, like her father, is a High Functioning Alcoholic, and that is one reason her family can deny her illness so easily. It also makes it far less likely that she will hit rock bottom soon, if at all.

Like my friend, I pray for Ellie to get better…and pray for her to return to my life, where she belongs.

I think the reason for that was that she knows I truly love and care for her daughter Ellie and that I would provide Ellie with something that she herself did not have, someone who loved Ellie unconditionally. Ellie’s mother is trapped in an unhappy marriage, and is terrified of her husband from everything I have seen this past year. She is so terrified of her husband that she is unwilling to even try to help her daughter deal with the alcohol/drug problems Ellie has.

I do have to wonder what she was doing last night that she didn’t get up until almost NOON. She knows where to find me and how to reach me if she wants me to help. I really hope and pray that she doesn’t kill or injure herself or anyone else, and that she doesn’t permanently destroy her future before she hits rock bottom.

“Work is going so slowly.. and my uniform feels loose. No interest in anything but cuddling and feeling secure tonight #lovemeloveme”

I find this very tragic and feel very sorry for her. She is one of the most intelligent, beautiful, funny, sexy and amazing women I have ever known, and should not feel insecure or unloved. But, she doesn’t even realize any of this. She also has someone who loves her warts and all, just because she is who she is, and who would move heaven, hell and earth for her if she asked him to, but she doesn’t see or recognize this.

Of course, I’ve come to the conclusion that she has been self-medicating some underlying problem with drugs and alcohol, and that is why she drinks. Apparently, according to Benton, this is fairly common for HFAs like my beloved. I’d point out that self-medicating rarely works in the long run, and hope she realizes that sooner rather than later and gets some real help for herself. I hope and pray she gets help before she does serious damage to her future, herself or the people around her.

I also hope and pray that she remembers that I love her warts and all, and care for her and will be there to help her if she should ask me to be. I love Ellie as I have loved no one else in my life, and I believe she is the one Gee asked me to look for.

I am in no way an expert on this matter, but will try to answer your questions.

It is my understanding that a boat that is STATE-REGISTERED may not be recognized in foreign waters, since the states have no national sovereignty, and state issued boat registrations are generally not recognized internationally. The further you get from the United States, the less likely the boat’s state registration will be recognized. However, you can probably sail the boat in foreign waters, but you will have some complications if it is only state registered.

Also, a state-registered boat is not going to have the same international rights as a US-flagged federally USCG documented boat. One reason for this is that foreign governments have NO WAY OF CHECKING STATE REGISTRATIONS, while I believe there are mechanisms for them to check USCG Documentation. Another issue is that some countries may charge you multiple customs entry/exit fees with a state-registered boat.

I pray you find the strength and courage to get the help you need, and that when things seem darkest that you remember the love and care I have for you, and that someday you return to being the amazing woman that said she loves me and find your way back to my side.

If you should never find the strength and courage to fight your demons, I pray God grants you a quick and merciful end.

Love always, yours always,

Daniel

Apparently, her addiction and need for access to the drugs/alcohol he supplies her over rides any intelligence or common sense she once had.