Archive for the 'Life with Ellie' Category

Her Laughter

I don’t really know if she is still out there reading what I write. If she is, and I hope that some part of the amazing woman I love still survives and is reading what I write and cares about what I say, I want her to know that one of the things I miss […]

People In Our Lives

The people in our lives who love us are a gift to us. We don’t know how long we will have them for, and we should always make sure that they know how much they mean to us. In some cases, we lose them very suddenly, like I did my twin when he was killed […]

Visions of Her Future

On the Crying Out Now blog, there is a post that I fear will repeat itself with someone I love. The post starts with the following words: “Like most people, I’m not really sure where or why my life started to fall apart and alcohol started to take over my life. What I do know […]

In Sickness and In Health

I’ve been thinking about Gee and Ellie a lot recently. It is strange to think about the two women I love most. In many ways, the relationships I have with them are very different—yet in some ways they share a lot of similarities. When I first spoke with Gee, I knew I was going to […]

What We Can Handle

I was hoping that this year was going to be better than last year. If it is going to turn out that way, I’m having a really tough time seeing it right now. I know that God never gives us more than we can handle…and right now, I’m dealing with everything on my plate, but […]

Moving On

“It’s possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief…lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it’s not so overwhelming.” I am moving on with my life, and it no longer includes my beloved, feisty-spirited, red-headed, freckled Irish lass, Ellie. It is not easy […]

Happiness Lost

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.” —Denis Waitley I guess this explains why Gee was such a happy person, in spite of all that she went through. Brad was right when he said, “There are some days […]

Accepting Evil

“He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.” -Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. For basically honest people to persist in telling and believing lies that harm others is evil. If someone knows […]

Message In A Bottle

This weekend, I was thinking of Gee and Ellie, the two women I love most…and decided to watch a movie that reminds me of them both for a lot of reasons. The movie, Message In A Bottle, is one that Gee and I saw in a movie theater when it still playing. The second time […]

Common Denominators

Someone recently asked me if I love Ellie because she reminds me of Gee. That was a question I hadn’t heard before. The answer is no. While there are some things about Ellie that do remind me of Gee, I would say that they are more the common denominators of all the women I love. […]

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday. It is the first day of Lent. For Lent I have given up cookies. This is this is the first time I have given anything up for Lent. I was not raised in a religion that required giving up anything for Lent. In fact, the religious make up of my family […]

I miss you

and I have to wonder if you miss me. I have loved you in some form for all of your life, and I will always love you. I hope you are getting help and getting better. God bless you and watch over you.

What I Wish…

Ellie— and I hope you’ve gotten help for your addictions and are getting better. I hope you’re studying hard and getting good grades, so you don’t lose your scholarship. If you want my help, all you need to do is make your amends and ask me. I am pretty sure you know how much I […]

Happy Valentine’s Day

Wishing all my blog readers a Happy Valentine’s Day. More importantly, I want to remember the beautiful woman I married on what would have been her birthday. To me, today will always be first and foremost Gee’s birthday, and then Valentine’s Day. Remembering Gee’s birthday was always easy—since Madison Avenue makes sure I have six […]

A Rose Named Ellie

“You are beautiful, but you are empty. One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you—the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I […]

The Two Women I Love Most…

As Valentine’s Day approaches, two women are on my mind. They are the two women I love most of all, and both are in my thoughts every day. One was born on Valentine’s Day and I was lucky enough to marry her. She passed away over a decade ago and I miss her every day. […]


I miss Ellie…and this pretty much says it all… Tomorrow, by Chris Young Tomorrow I’m gonna leave here. I’m gonna let you go and walk away like every day I said I would. And tomorrow, I’m gonna listen. to that voice of reason inside my head telling me that we’re no good. [Chorus] But tonight […]

What If…

There are times when you make decisions and the results make you ask “What if?” Those “What Ifs?” can drive you crazy. One such decision for me happened nearly 25 years ago, when my twin left on a drive back to San Diego, headed back to school. This is the first time I am writing […]

Honoring Commitments

Two symbols of commitment—the wedding band that Gee gave me and the turkshead bracelet I made for Ellie. I wear them both to honor the memories of these two amazing women and to show the life-long commitment I made to each of them. Last summer, before I realized the extent of Ellie’s addictions, I promised […]

Would I Do It Again?

The Serenity Prayer or Neibhur’s Prayer starts with an almost universally recongized: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. My friend Grant wrote that being a twin isn’t always easy, but he wouldn’t trade it […]

Wisdom From A Fox

“Here is my secret. It’s quite simple: One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes…It is the time you spent on your rose that makes your rose so important…People have forgotten this truth. But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you have tamed. You’re responsible […]

A Handful of Dust

I will show you fear in a handful of dust —The Waste Land, T.S. Eliot I don’t think that most people actually fear death, I think we fear that no one will notice our absence—that we will disappear without a trace. Ellie need never fear this, because she will always be missed by me. Though […]

Her Silence

Update: Ellie has locked her social media accounts, so that confirms it. The woman I love is truly gone. If any part of her were still there fighting, she would have left that line of communication open, but it seems that she has finally succumbed to her addictions as I suspected. Goodbye my beloved, I […]

Ellie RIP

May my beautiful and beloved Ellie rest in peace. For the past seven months, I’ve been holding out hope that she still lives—that the incredible woman I love and wanted to marry was not destroyed by her addictions. But it seems that this is not the case—it seems that my Ellie is truly gone. I […]

Moved In—Moving On

Ellie— all moved in ! redesigning my pandora bracelet I see that you’ve moved in to your dormitory. I see that you don’t care that your drinking and drug use affected your grades last semester. If nothing else—the fact that you don’t care about your grades, don’t worry about losing your scholarship and don’t care […]

Last Chances

Ellie— I don’t even know if you still read my blog. Given that you haven’t said anything or done anything about what I’ve tried to tell you, I am guessing that you aren’t reading my blog any more or don’t care what I say anymore. If, by chance, you are still reading this blog and […]

A Card for Ellie…

Ellie— I don’t even know if you still read my blog. Given that you haven’t said anything or done anything about what I’ve tried to tell you, I am guessing that you aren’t reading my blog any more or don’t care what I say anymore. If, by chance, you are still reading this blog and […]

Insecurities and Self-Doubts

I found this on Facebook. I think that Ellie really needs to read it and listen to what it says. I have edited it slightly for grammatical and spelling errors. INSECURITIES!!! Insecurities are not feelings we are born with, but some feelings we pick up during our lifetime, based on other people’s opinions about us, […]


Ellie posted a new image for her social networking profile which I think is kind of ironic. She’s doing drugs and drinking heavily, and she posts this. She’s destroying any real chance of living a full, happy and healthy life doing what she is doing. She probably doesn’t see the irony of it all though. […]

Ellie—Please Read This

Ellie— I don’t even know if you still read my blog. Given that you haven’t said anything or done anything about what I’ve tried to tell you, I am guessing that you aren’t reading my blog any more. If, by chance, you are still reading this blog, please read all the comments and posts. Are […]