Walking Away Because I Have No Other Choice

Posted on Saturday 17 August 2013

It took me most of these last two years, one month and nineteen days to realize what the fundamental, underlying causes of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions were, and it took me most of the first two or three months to truly understand that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, my beautiful freckled redhead, was a drug addicted alcoholic.

I believe it is the life-long abuse that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has been subjected to by her father, John Walker Kelley, that caused the fears, insecurities and self-doubts that give Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions the hold they have over her. Of course, the abuse is only one of the factors that increased Lauren’s risks to becoming a drug-addicted alcoholic.

Domestic violence, the only difference is the choice of weapon.

Domestic violence, the only difference is the choice of weapon.

Another factor was her early exposure to alcohol, since it is likely that she was drinking as young as 14 or 15, most likely when she started at Ursuline Academy, with its high social pressures to conform and succeed and a large population of highly self-entitled and selfish young women. Almost all of the other young women who bought fake IDs from China in June 2011 with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley were members of her Ursuline Academy high school graduating class—Sarah, Victoria, Michelle and Anna were among the names that I saw.

Yet another factor is that her father, as far as I can tell, has been an alcoholic for most of the 32+ years I have known him. John Walker Kelley has abused his wife and children for decades. All three of his children show serious signs of psychological trauma. The two eldest, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and her older brother Johnny Walker Kelley Jr., are both drug-addicted alcoholics. The youngest, Bridget, has issues with bulimia and self-mutilation—mainly cutting and burning herself.

Then there is the heritable component that presents in many alcoholics. From what I have seen and been told, 60—70% of her father’s extended family have problems with alcoholism or addiction, as does 40–50% of her mother’s family. An uncle on her mother’s side of the family died of a drug-and-alcohol-fueled car crash.

There was also the lack of parental involvement in Lauren Elizabeth Kelley life and the emotional neglect that occurs when parents check out of their children’s lives when they are only 12 or so, as happened with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and her older brother Johnny Walker Kelley Jr.

I know this happened because I was the person who stepped into their lives when John and Sue decided to check out. Sue asked me to act as a friend, mentor, protector and liaison for her children. That is why I was the one who ended up teaching Lauren and Johnny Jr. how to drive and spent so much time with them.

In many ways, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and her brother were doomed by family dynamics, emotional abuse, and genetics and there was very little I could have done beyond love them, care for them and be there for them. I did all I could for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and her family. Now, there is no more reason for me to stay.

For most of the last two years, all I wanted was for her to get healthy, regardless of whether I was going to be a part of her life or not. I still want that, but I know I won’t be here to accompany her on her long journey of recovery unless she comes and finds me. I doubt that she will do that…in fact, I can’t allow myself to believe that because then I will wait for something I am pretty sure will never, ever happen.

I am walking away because I have no other choice. I do not want to walk away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. My walking away isn’t because I don’t love her. I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and always will. I do not know how to not love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—ever since she was born she has been a part of my family.

All walking away means is that I can no longer stay here waiting for her because her addictions are starting to destroy who I am—destroy the person Lauren Elizabeth Kelley loves and I can’t let that happen.

I know that if I let Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions destroy me, it would become one more reason Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would hate herself for what her addictions have done if she ever gets into recovery. I love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley too much to add that to the costs of her addictions.

Another reason I am walking away is because the amazing woman that loves me just doesn’t exist as far as I can see any more. My beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has been lost to her addictions and now nothing more remain than the lying, dishonest, weak and cowardly, drug-addicted alcoholic that has prostituted herself for two years to get the alcohol and drugs her addictions require. What Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has become—what her addictions have reduced her to—is something that would horrify Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and, if she were healthy, would be something that she would loathe and despise.

This is essentially what Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions have reduced her to—a drug-addicted alcoholic that drinks in public to the point where she can not even sit up straight. Yet, somehow Lauren Elizabeth Kelley doesn’t see this as a problem.

I honestly thought that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s recovery would be best helped if she had someone in her life that she has known all of her life, trusted all of her life and loved all of her life—someone that has loved her all of her life, cared about her all of her life and was completely devoted to her, yet strong enough to not enable her addictions.

No one else in her life, other than me, fits those qualifications. Her family is too toxic—two alcoholics in denial, an emotionally and psychologically abused and battered mother, and a little sister who really doesn’t understand the truth because no one but me was willing to tell it to her.

The truth of who Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I were to each other is seen in the photos of us together. Even all the lies Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has told these last two years can not deny the truth that is seen in the photos.

I have left Lauren Elizabeth Kelley a gift of some of the most beautiful and precious of these memories that I have for her to see if she ever gets into recovery. She can find them HERE. Here is one of the photos that I think shows the truth of who we always were to each other.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and me at Fire & Ice for her 18th birthday in 2010

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and me at Fire & Ice for her 18th birthday in 2010

I’d point out that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley texted me a half-dozen times or more that day to make sure that I would be there for her birthday. I had been working on s/v Pretty Gee down in Fairhaven when she texted me. Even though I was the last person to arrive, I was given the place next to her at her insistence.

Now, if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley ever decides she wants me in her life, she will need to find me, admit to her addictions, make her amends, publicly tell the real truth about who we have always been to each other and how we have always felt about each other… and show me that she is as committed to me as I have always been to her.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will also have to show me that she is more than the drug-addicted alcoholic that has prostituted herself for the last two years to get the alcohol and drugs her addictions require—and that she is truly committed to getting clean and sober.

I won’t change my contact information, but neither will I wait for her. If, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley ever reaches out to me for my help, she will have to earn it. I warn Lauren Elizabeth Kelley that she will never be able to earn it if I am committed to someone else because I keep my commitments, and if I make a commitment to someone else, I will honor it.

I did not break the vows or commitments I had to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—it was just that the woman I love—my Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—no longer exists to keep them to.

If anything, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, the drug-addicted alcoholic, has broken faith and trust and the commitments we had over twenty years of friendship, love, trust, honesty, devotion, caring and loyalty—not me.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would rather remain this:

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley posted this after a long night of work, drinking tea with her mother, and smoking weed--in her own words, she said: "Tired af...worked mad, smked mad, shower bathrobe bedtime night *"

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley posted this after a long night of work, drinking tea with her mother, and smoking weed–in her own words, she said: “Tired af…worked mad, smked mad, shower bathrobe bedtime night *”

and remain a puppet of her abusive father—since he basically dictates what she does and says—than take a risk and be whom God has always intended for her to be—a smart, confident, capable, beautiful, strong and independent woman, like she used to believe she was as seen here:

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley in cool, confident and beautiful mode, out for dinner with me, her family and the Garcias.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley in cool, confident and beautiful mode, out for dinner with me, her family and the Garcias.

So, I am walking away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, something that I have avoided doing for two years, while I hoped and prayed for the beautiful, freckled, redhead that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. There is really nothing left of the woman I love at this point but the pathetic, cowardly, dishonest, drug-addicted alcoholic.

To understand how much I love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, consider that as part of the car safety/maintenance kit I assembled and gave her was a tire-pressure gauge that came out of the wreckage of my twin brother’s Mustang the day after he was killed.

The tire pressure gauge was my twin brother’s and something I have kept safe for almost 25 years when I gave it to Lauren. I doubt the drug-addicted alcoholic will ever realize how much of a commitment that was and what it represents, but I know my beautiful freckled love would know and understand the depth of love, trust and care that was required for me to do that.

I don’t really know how to walk away from someone I have loved for over two decades, but I guess I will learn. To put things in perspective, I knew Lauren Elizabeth Kelley longer than I knew Gee, Su, Yoon, and Shelley combined—I knew Lauren and had her a part of my life longer than my twin brother was alive.

In walking away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, I am walking away from five people I have known and loved for over 32 years, almost two-thirds of my life. Two of these people are among the very few that I still know that knew my twin brother David.

Today, I begin that journey. It is not one I am familiar with and not one I really want to do, but I know that for my own good I must do it. I must grieve for the loss of the beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, freckled Irish redhead that told me “Sarangheyo” and talked about the Asians with freckles that she said she adored that our children would have been. I must mourn the future we had talked about because it has died with the loss of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to her addictions.

I hope and pray that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will get into recovery from her addictions one day, but I will not wait around for that to happen, because it is far too likely never to happen. It is far more likely, given the life-long abuse by her father, the lack of anything resembling a support structure for her and what she has done these last two years, that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will be a life-long alcoholic, probably a fairly high-functioning one, like her father.

It is very disappointing that many of the friends I thought would support me did not. I didn’t expect support on this from my family because my family has never supported me in things like this. They are emotionally incapable of doing it, so I don’t even bother asking anymore.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we once talked about for a week.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.


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