Happy New Year’s Eve to all my friends and family.
This is the last day of the year and I, for one, am very happy to see 2012 end. I hope the New Year 2013 brings all of you success, health and happiness.
I hope that 2013 will be a better year for many of us. 2012 did not bring the miracle I was hoping for when I wrote this post last year. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is still lost to her addictions and it does not appear that she will be able to see the truth anytime soon.
I have finally realized that I have to walk away from the amazing woman I love, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, because her addictions are not only destroying her, but me as well. Drug addiction and alcoholism are both family diseases in that they don’t only affect the person who has the problem with drugs and/or alcohol but the diseases affect all the people that love the drug addict or alcoholic as well.
I have finally realized that even as much as I love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—someone I have loved for all of her life and always will love—my love alone isn’t strong enough to protect me from the ravages of her illness. Unless Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is healthy enough to fight her addictions and to love me—I can not stay and fight for her any longer. I wish this were not the case, but the last eighteen months has proven otherwise.
So, starting tomorrow, the first day of 2013, I am walking away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I think that this will be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I am walking away for so many reasons.
I am walking away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley because her addictions are damaging me and making be become someone I do not want to be. I am becoming someone that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would not love—someone that does not love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. Her addictions are turning me into something that I would loathe and despise as much as Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would loathe and despise the drug-addicted alcoholic she has become if she were healthy. So, to protect myself and remain the man that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley loves, I have to walk away.
I am walking away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley because I love her and have promised her that I would walk beside her on her long road to recovery if she asked me to—but only by walking away can I protect myself and keep myself healthy enough and strong enough to be able to help Lauren Elizabeth Kelley if she should ask me for help fighting her addictions. While I realize I can not fight her addictions alone—if she were fighting them with me, I know I would be able to help her because we are so much greater together than we could ever be apart.
I am walking away because all that is left of the woman that loves me is a pathetic, weak, cowardly, dishonest and selfish drug-addicted alcoholic. If all that is left of my beautiful, strong, feisty, stubborn and compassionate Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is the drug-addicted alcoholic that is all I have seen for the past eighteen months, then there is no reason for me to stay. I have no commitment or promise to the drug-addicted alcoholic wretch that is all that is left of my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.
This isn’t to say I don’t love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I do love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—even more now than when I asked her to marry me back in June 2011. I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and I always will love her. I do not know how to not love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I still want to marry my beloved, feisty, smart, stubborn, strong, capable and honest freckled red-haired Irish rose and raise a family with her as we talked about for a week in June 2011.
But, unless Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is there fighting her addictions and asks me for help, I can not stay. I can not watch her addictions destroy everything I love about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and remain whole and unhurt. Until Lauren Elizabeth Kelley realizes that she has a serious problem with drugs and alcohol and fights her addictions, I have to leave.
However, I am not burning any bridges behind me because I still hold myself to the vows and commitments I have made to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley should ever return to being the amazing woman that loves me and wants my help along her long road to recovery as I have promised her, her mother Sue and her little sister Bridget, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will need to seek me out and ask me for my help. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to prove that she is once again the woman I love—the woman that loves me.
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to show me that she has made a place for me beside her in her life and will fight to keep me there. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to show me that she is as committed to me and our relationship as I have always been. Finally, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to make amends for the damage and devastation caused by the actions and lies her addictions made her do and say—she will have to tell the truth about who we are to each other and how we feel about each other.
Right now, I don’t see much chance of that happening. If the past eighteen months hasn’t shown Lauren Elizabeth Kelley that she has a serious problem with both drugs and alcohol, then she will need to hit rock bottom as most alcoholics and drug-addicts need to before she will realize that her addictions are a serious problem.
The huge drop in her grades—where Lauren Elizabeth Kelley hasn’t made Dean’s List and has put her scholarship at risk even though she has been taking fewer classes than she was her freshman year hasn’t made her realize she has a problem with drugs and alcohol. Even though she was taking five courses a semester in her Freshman year, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was able to easily make Dean’s List with a 3.634 GPA. Her sophomore year, she was only taking four classes a semester and clearly had a lot of trouble with her classes—and I doubt it was because her classes were so much harder.
The car accident she was in almost a year ago was likely caused by her driving while drunk and/or high by what her own social media posts indicated. Yet, she doesn’t see driving impaired as a problem and has likely been driving high and/or drunk fairly regularly for the past nineteen months.
The fact that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley basically prostituted herself for several months last year—trading her body and sex for the drugs and alcohol her addictions require should also have been a wake up call for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. Yet, she has lied to herself about her relationship with Jarrod because she needs to be able to deny that is what she was doing. Jarrod clearly never loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley or really even cared about her. By Jarrod’s own social media posts, it is likely he was sleeping with at least four or five other women during the time Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was with him.
Finally, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—one of the most honest people I have ever known—has been lying about who she and I are to each other, how we feel about each other and what our relationship was like for the past eighteen months. These lies should have shown her something was wrong. The truth of who Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I were to each other is pretty clearly visible in the photos of us together. The love, caring, happiness and laughter we shared whenever we were together belies what Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has been saying for the past eighteen months.
Unfortunately, hitting rock bottom, like most drug-addicts and alcoholics have to do before they can admit they have a problem with drugs and alcohol, will likely require that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley end up in the hospital, in jail, flunking out of Emmanuel College or living on the street. Whatever it takes, I hope it happens quickly and does not permanently injure my beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I hope she hits rock bottom before her addictions permanently damage her health, her mind, her body or her future.
If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley never recovers from her addictions and is lost to them forever—if fate does not allow Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to return to me and the future we had talked about this past summer, I wish her well and hope that she finds love, happiness, health and success. I will grieve for the amazing woman I love and mourn over the lost future we had once talked about.
If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley can not find the strength and courage to fight her illness and return to health, I hope that God is merciful and grants her peace. I know that a love as strong and true as the one we have shared for twenty years will bring us together in this life or the next.
I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knows I will always love her and care for her, as I have all of her life. I pray for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and ask that my guardian angels watch over my beloved and protect her from what they can. Be well beloved, and know you are truly loved and missed by me.
God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.
May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.
I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.
I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.
I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.
Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.
All this in Jesus’s name I pray.