Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—
I have finally realized I was holding on to something that does not exist anymore—that nothing was left of the amazing, beautiful, strong, smart, honest and capable woman I love except the drug-addicted alcoholic shell that has, for eighteen months, lied about us, who we were to each other and how we felt about each other. If nothing more remains of the incredibly sweet, compassionate, gracious and lovable woman that loves me—it is time to let go and move on—leaving the lies and pain she causes behind. All she can care about now is her next drink and next blunt.
The drug-addicted alcoholic.
I doubt you will ever truly understand how much my love for you has cost me or why I did all that I have done. I know you can not understand what love means until you love yourself. I know you can not love anything or anyone other than the drugs and alcohol your addictions require until you are in recovery and able to love yourself again.
I know you will never find the peace you seek or true happiness as long as you are living a lie. Only by facing your fears and admitting the truth can you really begin to live your life and become the person God has always intended you to be—the woman I love and have always known you to be.
I am not walking away because I do not love you anymore—I am walking away because I love you and need to protect the man you love from the damage your addictions are doing to the people in your life. I am walking away because I can no longer bear to see what your addictions have turned you into—someone who would prostitute herself for months to get the drugs and alcohol her addictions require and see nothing wrong with doing that.
I am walking away because if all that is left is the drug-addicted alcoholic that can tell lies for months on end about us, who we are to each other and how we feel about each other, then there is no reason for me to stay.
It is now all up to you Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. It is your life and the choices you make are the ones you will have to live with. If you want me in your life, then you will have to come find me and ask to be a part of my life again. I will not tolerate the lies and the abuse your addictions have caused you to say and do any longer.
I have spent enough time trying to help you—Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, the amazing woman I love—and can do no more for her. Trying to help you has cost me enough financially, socially, spiritually, physically and emotionally. The devastation and lies your addictions have caused have also cost me as well. You will eventually realize the truth of what you have done and said and how badly your actions and lies have hurt me—the man you love. I hope you can forgive yourself for that. I do not hold what your addictions have made you do and say against you.
If, by some miracle, you finally hit rock bottom and realize what your addictions are doing to you—what your addictions have cost you and you finally decide to fight them—to fight to become the amazing woman God has always meant for you to be—I hope you will make your amends and seek me out. I never stopped loving you, caring about you or being your friend—it was you and your addictions that did all that.
If you seek me out, make your amends and can prove that you are once again the woman that loves me—more than the drug-addicted alcoholic you have been for the past nineteen months—and show me that you have made a place for me beside you in your life and will fight to keep me there—that you are as committed to me and our relationship as I have always been—I will walk beside you on your long road to recovery as I have promised you, your mother Sue and your sister Bridget.
Walking beside you on your long road to recovery is my duty to the woman I love. I want to be the person that wipes your tears when you cry, that catches you when you stumble or fall, that protects you when you feel frightened or scared, that guides you when you get lost or feel confused, and most of all—that loves you more, each and every day.
I have loved you all of your life Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I will always love you because love is eternal. If you do not find your way back to me in this life, I am sure we will be together again in our next life because a love as strong and true as the one that we have grown and shared for twenty years mere death is no barrier to.
I wish you—Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, the woman I love—success, health, long-life, happiness and most of all, love. But, I doubt you will find any of these things as long as you are a drug-addicted alcoholic.
I pray that you will hit rock bottom quickly and realize that you have serious problems with drugs and alcohol before your addictions cost you much of your health, mind, and future. This will likely require that you end up in the hospital, jail, living on the street or flunking out of school. But, in the long run, facing your addictions will give you a longer, healthier and happier life than being a pale, drug-addicted, alcoholic shadow of whom God has always meant for you to be.
I hope you do well at Emmanuel College. I hope your addictions don’t make you lose your scholarship as they were threatening to do last year. I hope your grades are better this semester and that you continue to do well—because I love you.
I hope and pray that God finally grants you the peace you are looking for. I hope that He gives you the strength, the courage and the will to fight your addictions; the wisdom to realize that you have a problem with alcohol and drugs before your addictions destroy your body, mind, health, and future; the serenity to love yourself, trust yourself and believe in yourself once again; and that God grants you the Grace to forgive yourself for all the pain, destruction and lies your addictions have made you do and say.
God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.
May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.
I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.
I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.
I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.
Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.
All this in Jesus’s name I pray.
Amen.