Broken Pottery

Posted on Wednesday 12 December 2012

My wonderful niece Ellice wrote this as her status update on Facebook earlier today. I think the idea behind it is wonderful and beautiful, but something that not all people are capable of doing.

When pottery breaks in japan, they adhere the pieces back together with gold or something other that is precious to signify the value of unifying the broken shards.

It’d be beautiful if there were physical signifiers such as that for every broken interpersonal relationship that reconciled with total recommitment. We’d be shining with gold and silver and precious materials, you’d have to squint to stand the beams of light. At least, for those of us who do not live in bitterness and unwillingness to forgive—for those of us who take the extra 30-60 minutes to trudge through difficult conversations and make hard actions to demonstrate depth of meaning.

In some ways, the very fact that these kinds of brokennesses are NOT physically visible… is an act of grace.

While kintsugi, the Japanese art of repairing pottery with gold imbued resin, deals with ceramics rather than glass, the lyrics of this song—the idea of picking up the pieces and putting them back together, rather than throwing them all away remains much the same as what my niece wrote.

Unlike a lot of younger people today, I believe in fixing things if it is at all possible to do so. In many cases, fixing something can make it as good as new or better—especially if what you are fixing is something that you have had and cherished for many years.

Likewise, there are things in my life that I think are still worth repairing if it is at all possible. My relationship with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is one of those things—I have known and loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life—longer than I have loved any other woman. I always will love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I do not know how to not love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. It is that simple.

Even though I am walking away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, I am not burning any bridges and if she should recover and seek me out, I would love to have her back in my life—provided she is clean and sober or working on her way to becoming clean and sober. I have promised the amazing woman I love that I would walk beside her on her long road to recovery, and if she should ask me to, I would still do it.

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley ever manages to fight her addictions and return to being the amazing woman I love, I hope that she and I will be able to reconcile our relationship and start on the future we had once talked about. I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley loves me because she has told me so dozens of times.

I know I am willing to forgive her for all that has happened over the past eighteen months, since she fell to her addictions. I just don’t know if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is strong enough to fight her addictions or whether Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is gracious and serene enough to forgive herself for the horrific things her addictions have made her do and say.

I am certain that if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley ever finds the strength, courage and will to fight her addictions and the serenity to face her fears and love herself, trust herself and believe in herself as she once did, that the truth of the love she and I share will be strong enough to bring us back together again.

What Lauren Elizabeth Kelley doesn’t seem to realize or remember is what a truly amazing woman she has grown into. Somehow, the pain and hurt of Ian’s betrayal of her almost two years ago has triggered all the fears, insecurities and self-doubts her father’s years of emotional abuse had left Lauren Elizabeth Kelley with. I thought she had gotten past them, because, at least for a short while, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knew how beautiful, strong, smart, lovable and capable she was—her confidence in herself was pretty clearly visible in photos of her from this short time period before Ian betrayed her.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is one of the most beautiful, intelligent, gracious, strong, capable, compassionate, stubborn, honest and lovable women I have ever known. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, at least the woman I love, is brave, moral, good, caring, decent, feisty, strong-willed and proud. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, the woman that loves me, cares about herself and her friends and family—she would do anything to protect them and would never hurt them intentionally. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is a woman of morals, honesty, integrity and a devout Catholic.

The drug-addicted alcoholic that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has been for the past eighteen months is so much less than what Lauren Elizabeth Kelley should be. The drug-addicted alcoholic is everything that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would loathe and despise if she were healthy—dishonest, selfish, greedy, stupid, immoral, weak, pathetic, and cowardly.

I know this because I have known Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life; loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life; cared about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and been one of her closest friends and confidantes for years. I know who Lauren Elizabeth Kelley really is. I just wish Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would believe in herself again, love herself again and trust herself again enough to follow what her heart wants.

I wish my beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley well and hope she is doing well in her studies. I wish her luck on her finals, which start tomorrow. There is a small part of me that hopes she fails miserably because it might be the safest and shortest route to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley hitting rock bottom and realizing that her addiction to drugs and alcohol is a problem, but I love her too much for that to be much more than a distant and small hope.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

Glass by Thomson Square

Tryin’ to live and love
With a heart that can’t be broken
Is like tryin’ to see the light
With eyes that can’t be opened

Yeah, we both carry baggage
We picked up on our way
So if you love me, do it gently
And I will do the same

We may shine, we may shatter
We may be pickin’ up the pieces here on after
We are fragile, we are human
We are shaped by the light we let through us
But we break fast ’cause we are glass
‘Cause we are glass

I’ll let you look inside me
Through the stains and through the cracks
And in the darkness of this moment
You see the good in that

But try not to judge me
‘Cause we’ve walked down different paths
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]
But it brought us here together
So I won’t take that back

We may shine, we may shatter
We may be pickin’ up the pieces here on after
We are fragile, we are human
We are shaped by the light we let through us
But we break fast ’cause we are glass

We might be all in water
This could be a big mistake
We might burn like gasoline and fire
It’s a chance we’ll have to take

We may shine, we may shatter
We may be pickin’ up the pieces here on after
We are fragile, we are human
And we are shaped by the light we let through us
But we break fast ’cause we are glass
We are glass


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