Adrift at Sea —Dan’s blog on dankim.com

“The sins of the father are the shackles worn by their children.

I just hope the children are strong enough and smart enough to break their shackles.”

In many ways, I think this is true for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. The years of emotional abuse she has suffered at the hands of her father John are what I believe is the root cause for her insecurities, self-doubts and fears. These same fears, insecurities and self-doubts—doubts about how pretty she is; fears about not being good enough, smart enough; insecurities about whether she does anything right, whether she is lovable or worthy of being loved—are what give her addictions the iron grip they have over her.

Somewhere along the way, at one point in time, for a few years, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was able to overcome the years of abuse. When she was younger—from the age of 16 to about 18—before Ian betrayed her—Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knew she was lovable, beautiful, smart, strong, funny, and capable. Her confidence in herself and in whom she was is pretty clear in the photos of her from this time. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was comfortable in who she was and knew she was loved and lovable. I know this because I am one of the people that has always loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I don’t believe that it is mere coincidence that these were the years Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I spent so much time together.

I think the triggering event that brought back all of her fears, insecurities and self-doubts was when she caught Ian Murphy cheating on her back in January 2011. Somehow, that event brought all of her fears, insecurities and self-doubts back to life with a vengeance. From what I understand—from what Lauren Elizabeth Kelley told me and the photos I’ve seen of Ian and the young woman he cheated on Lauren Elizabeth Kelley with—I can see how Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s self-esteem took such a hit. The other woman was not as pretty, nor from what I understand, not as smart as Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—who is one of the most beautiful, prettiest and smartest women I have ever met.

I think that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s pain and confusion at how Ian could cheat on her is what caused all the doubts and fears lying dormant from her father’s years of emotional abuse to awaken. Ian’s fundamental betrayal of their relationship and of the trust Lauren Elizabeth Kelley had for him triggered the fears, insecurities and self-doubts—that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley must have done something wrong for Ian to betray her like he had—that she must not be pretty enough, smart enough or good enough if Ian could cheat on her.

What Lauren Elizabeth Kelley doesn’t realize is that none of what happened is her fault. If Ian was too stupid and immature to realize what he had with her—what Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was truly worth and what a priceless treasure her love and trust were, then Ian is a fool and an idiot. It says a lot about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley that when I offered to deal with Ian, she asked me not to bother. Someone less gracious, less forgiving and less wise than my beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would have wanted vengeance or retribution—but not Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.

I just wish that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was strong enough to trust her heart and to trust herself and love herself. I wish Lauren Elizabeth Kelley had the strength to take a chance on us and on the future we had talked about. I wish my love for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—a love she has known all of her life and one that has grown stronger and evolved much as Lauren Elizabeth Kelley herself has over her lifetime—was strong enough to protect her and shield her from her fears and insecurities.

In some ways, it may have been my fault that the rift between Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I has occurred. After all, it was my confronting Lauren Elizabeth Kelley on June 29, 2011 that caused this rift. I did not know that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was a drug-addict or an alcoholic at the time I confronted her. The love we had growing between us as something more than the friends we had been for years was new and fragile—at least for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.

If I had known Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was a drug-addict and an alcoholic, I probably would have done things differently—I wouldn’t have confronted her so strongly and so adamantly. If I had known how Lauren Elizabeth Kelley had fallen to alcohol, I would have tried to approach her in a way that wouldn’t have triggered her fears of her drinking being a reason for me to abandon her—because it never was. I could no more abandon Lauren Elizabeth Kelley because of her addictions than I could have walked away from Gee because of her cancer.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was still getting over Ian’s betrayal of her and had never really known what pure love and commitment like the one I have for her is truly like or how strong it can be. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley had never really seen how strong and empowering the love between two people could really be. The only examples of love she really had to judge by were all flawed and weak—like that between her and Ian or that between her father and mother. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I had talked about love and commitment many times over the years, but she had never seen it herself. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has never seen how truly loving someone and being loved back by them can make two people so much greater than they could ever be apart.

Maybe, if we had been more than friends for longer the week we had together, I think Lauren Elizabeth Kelley might have been able to trust her love for me and my love for her, but we had only been exploring being more than friends for a week—a week where Lauren Elizabeth Kelley talked about what she wanted to name our children, getting married, and starting a life together.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I had only started exploring the reality that we could be more than the friends we had been for years when I confronted her about her drinking. I think her fears were compounded by how strongly I felt about her drinking. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knew my twin brother had been killed by a drunk driver and that my feelings on the subject of drinking and driving were strong.

I think that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley did not understand how much I truly love her and did not realize that her drinking and drug-addictions alone are not sufficient reason for me to abandon her. I know that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley does not realize that if she is willing to fight her addictions and fight for us and the future we talked about, I would never abandon her.

In fact, the only reason I am walking away this January is because she is not there fighting for us and all that is left is the pathetic, dishonest, weak and cowardly drug-addicted alcoholic. If I saw even a single sign that the amazing woman that loves me still was there—still fighting to beat her addictions and still loves me and wants my help in fighting her addictions—nothing could make me abandon my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I am walking away because it is the only way to honor the love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I share and to protect the man she loves from being destroyed by her addictions.

I hope my beautiful, sexy, lovable, feisty-spirited, freckled, red-haired Lauren Elizabeth Kelley learns to trust herself, love herself and believe in herself again soon. I hope that she can face her fears and fight the addictions they have given rise to soon. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley can give me a clear and obvious sign before year’s end that she is still the incredible woman I love and want to marry and that she still loves me and wants me to help her—I will stay.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is still the woman I love most of all and still want to marry and spend the rest of my life with—even if it means I accompany Lauren Elizabeth Kelley on her long road to recovery the rest of my days. I love her that much.

This song, ‘We Could Be Forever’ by the Eli Young Band, really says a lot about how I feel about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and what my hopes are for us. In any case, I believe that a love as strong as the one Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I share can not be broken or denied. I know that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is the woman Gee asked me to seek out and that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I will be together in the next lifetime if we are not in this one.

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley ever recovers enough to make her amends for the devastation her addictions have wrought, I hope she will seek me out. I will always love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley once again becomes herself—more than the drug-addicted alcoholic that she has been for the past eighteen months—I would love to have her back in my life. I will not seek her out any longer—Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knows where to find me and if she wants to be a part of my life it is now her job to earn her place back. I have done all I can for her.

I will always wish her well and hope that she finds the peace and serenity she will need to love herself, trust herself and believe in herself once more. I hope that my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley finds happiness, success, long-life, health and most of all, love. I doubt Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will find any of those things until she finds the courage, strength and will to face her fears and fight her addictions.

We Could Be Forever by the Eli Young Band

I may never fly you to Heaven with a kiss on your lips
And I may never break your heart or to get to make up for it
I may never see the stars in your eyes from a lover’s point of view
Or get lost in the days gone by ’cause I’m so wrapped up in you…

If you could love me and only see the possibility that we could be forever
And could you trust me to forget the consequences that would keep us from being together?

You may never think about me ’cause you’d find somebody new
And he would say all those things that I wanted to
And my heart would be broken, but I can’t give up yet
I won’t live with what might have been ’cause I never said……

Could you love me and only see the possibility that we could be forever?
And could you trust me to forget the consequences that would keep us from being together?

Would you agree if I said we could be forever?
Forever etched in stone forever and eternity
You would never be alone…forever, forever you and me
Oh, Oh, Oh….. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah….Oh, Oh, Oh….

Could you love me and only see the possibility that we could be forever?

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.