Adrift at Sea —Dan’s blog on dankim.com

Too often, we carry around those things from our past that hurt us the most.

Don’t let past pain rob you of your present happiness.

You had to live through it in the past, and that cannot be changed, but if the only place it lives today is in your mind, then

Forgive, Let go, and Be free.

~Doe Zantamata

Doe goes on to write:

Move on from the past, let it go, easier said than done, right?

Many of the quotes about life have to do with letting go of past pain, because

1. We all hold on to it
2. We all need to let it go in order to be happy.

So the big three questions after that, are,

1. How?
2. How?
3. How?

Just trying to forget it all, especially through alcohol or drugs, is a very bad idea. It doesn’t go away unless it’s dissolved. It lives in your cellular memory, and unless you’ve made peace with it, those memories can be triggered at any time, by anything.

Pain, once understood, can be let go. A few of the biggest sources of pain and how to understand them are:

1. Anger

Anger is usually felt when we feel wronged by, robbed by, or cheated out of happiness by someone else. The cure for anger is compassion and forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean everything’s OK, it just means you’ve found a way to let go of the resentment toward that person.

How do you find compassion for a mean person?

Think of it from their perspective, as difficult as that may be. How were they raised? Were they, themselves completely insecure? Most people lie out of insecurity, because they’re terrified of the truth. They don’t accept themselves, so they can’t accept anyone else. If you happen to try to love a person like this, you’re in for a lot of misdirected mistreatment.

The compassion is to be found in just understanding a bit where they were coming from. Most likely, they were scared at an emotional level and trying to protect themselves. This comes across as lying, controlling, even manipulative. They feel emotionally out of control when they are vulnerable, and so out of fear, they must try to keep control over the people in their life. What a sad place to be. They can never experience happiness as long as they live this way.

They’re not people to be best friends with, and if someone like this was your parent, you really had no choice. But you do have a choice now to live freely. Understand that their treatment of you was the only way they knew how to survive emotionally, even though it was abusive towards you and anyone else who happened to be in their life. Free yourself from the anger, and focus on your life today, and how free you really are.

2. Regret

Regret is usually felt when we beat ourselves up for not knowing then what we know now. We may have acted in ways, or said things that we look back on and cringe. We may have stayed in places or around people who treated us like nothing, and regret sticking around so long.

But to punish yourself for not knowing better before you knew better is just completely unfair.

You had to live through those things in order to become the wiser person who you are today. You learned about self-worth, about being kind, about the power of words. Those lessons, you keep with you, and you are a better person today because of them. Lessons in life can come directly through joy, or indirectly through pain. To become just lessons, we have to let go of the pain, and find the joy in the present and future because of that past pain. Once a lesson is learned, you never have to go through it again. You already know. You just have to release your mind from the painful memory of it.

3. Shame

Similar to regret, shame is held because of past words or actions. If you were mean, or acted like a person who you don’t want to be, then don’t be that person today, tomorrow, or ever again.

Make amends if you can. Apologize, no matter how long it’s been. You may be holding on to shame that the other person or people have totally forgotten about. Or, they may still be holding on to the pain, too, and your apology will help to release them from it as well as you.

Once you’ve tried to make amends, realize that’s all you can do.

Let it go, but if someone ever seems the same way as you once were, don’t judge them. Know that one day, they, too will see it, and they will regret it as well. They’re not bad people, and you weren’t a bad person, you were just acting in a bad way, because of whatever reason.

You can’t move forward in life and have happy relationships or success if you can’t stand yourself. By forgiving yourself, you’re also going to become a happier, more accepting person. You’re going to be a better person to every person in your life today and in the future. It’s a gift not only for you, but for everyone you know or will ever meet.

4. Mistrust

Trust is natural. Mistrust only comes after trust has been broken. Trusting people get hurt a lot, because it’s so easy to lie to them. Mistrusting people think they’re ahead of the game by not trusting anyone, but they actually hurt all the time. They push good people away, because no innocent person wants to be accused of awful things, and they can never be at peace in relationships. They’re constantly questioning others’ actions and motives and creating dramas in their minds about the worst case scenarios. Choose to trust. Realize that yes, sometimes you will get hurt, but that’s so much better than the alternative.

5. Doubt

The opposite of doubt is faith. Faith is believing without proof. Doubt is not believing, whether there’s proof or not. If you have faith in yourself, you go further in life. Your relationships are stronger. If you have faith in others, you inspire them to be more than they could be on their own. If you have faith in the world, in the Universe, in God, or one of the three, then even without any proof whatsoever that things will get better when they’re bad, you’ll just know they will. You’ll be able to make it through the darkest days, and discover strength. You’ll have a whole new appreciation for things and people when things do get better. You’ll realize the value of those tough times.

6. Fear

One of the main concepts of religion and spirituality is to act out of love, not fear. Any actions based in fear will lead to more fear. They have their foundations built in sand, and can crumble at any moment. Any actions based in love will lead to more love, and will have their foundations set in stone. Think of someone who gets into a relationship only because they have a fear of being alone. There’s no room for love there. Think instead of a person who does not act on that fear, but waits until they love themselves and meet someone who they are open and free to give love to. Fear is frantic, panicked, pain-producing, and bipolar. Love is calm, safe, steady, and secure. Love for self is #1 because we can’t always read people or know what they’re thinking. If a person we think loves us decides that he or she does not, and up and leaves, we need to have the love for ourselves to keep from falling apart. Realizing that it’s good they left, because the last thing we want is someone around who doesn’t want to be around. Realizing that with them gone, the space has been opened for someone who is both willing and able to return the love we have to give, and in the meantime, we’re safe, loved, and protected while single.

7. Pain

Once all those things are sorted out, the pain falls away. If you ever do get reminded of an event like that, there’s a detachment to it. It becomes almost as if telling a story about someone else. It’s still awful, and always will be, but it just doesn’t hurt anymore like it once did. A thought is just a thought until emotion is attached to it. Then it becomes very painful, joyful, or neither. When a thought arises about past pain, do not allow that painful emotion to attach to it. Consciously think of something good that came out of it, or consciously feel gratitude for the fact that today, at present, you don’t have to live through it. It’s done. Be grateful for the freedom. It may be tough at first to separate these feelings, but it gets easier.

“Easier said than done,” just means, “not instant.” And becoming whole again is never an instant process. It takes time. But each thought adjustment isn’t hard at all. Just be very aware of your thoughts and emotions, and respond to them when the bad ones try to arise. Don’t let your thoughts run amok. Direct them when they start to go to places that you know you don’t want them to. There’s no reward in staying a victim besides more pain. Directing thoughts becomes a habit with diligent, committed practice. The reward is happiness. Not an “ignorance is bliss” happiness, but a true, bliss is bliss, wise, appreciative happiness that has made it through struggle and emerged whole. This is an amazing and worthwhile place to be. This is the meaning of inner peace.

I am pretty sure that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s past is the reason she has turned to drugs and alcohol. I think Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is self-medicating because of the pain and hurt that her past has left with her, much as her brother Johnny Jr. was doing when he flunked out of Bentley College four years ago. Johnny Jr. was self-medicating because of his chronic depression. I think Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is self-medicating because of severe self-esteem and anxiety issues instead of depression.

Anger:

I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is angry at what has happened to her. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has been angry at the way your father has treated her for years—angry about the way he has emotionally abused her for years. Yet, instead of standing up to him as the strong, capable, stubborn and feisty woman I love would do, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has become his accomplice in his cowardice and bullying. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has allowed her father John to use her to hurt the man she loves.

I think Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s father John is the root cause of all of this. He has emotionally abused her for years—something I know because I have witnessed it too many times first hand. I have been there while John has screamed at Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and told her how worthless and how stupid she was and how she was never going to be good enough. I think that is why Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was such a perfectionist in high school.

Regret:

I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley must have regrets about being with Jarrod. I know that what Jarrod did hurt her. I also know that the woman I love would be horrified at debasing herself the way she did with Jarrod just to get the drugs and alcohol her addictions require.

But, in many ways, it shouldn’t have been a surprise to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, since Jarrod did not love her and had no commitment to her. He was only using Lauren Elizabeth Kelley for sex and as soon as he tired of her, he threw her away like yesterday’s newspaper. Jarrod never loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and had nothing in common with her and no commitment to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.

Jarrod is a misogynistic bastard that calls women hos, bitches and skeezas—so why did she expect anything better? He was likely also sleeping with at least four or five other women at the time Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and he were “dating”.

The only reason I think Lauren Elizabeth Kelley said she loved him is because she is still basically the same person she was before she fell to her addictions and she couldn’t justify prostituting herself to someone for drugs and alcohol so she thinks she must have loved him to have had sex with him. However, given how short a time had passed between when Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I were talking about marriage and when she met Jarrod, it is unlikely that she actually loved Jarrod.

I am pretty sure it was her addictions driving her to have sex with him for the drugs and alcohol they require. Rather than admit Lauren Elizabeth Kelley debased herself so grossly, she has lied to herself about how she feels about Jarrod.

After all, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley posted that she was going to have sex with him in early August…and I have to wonder how long she had known Jarrod when she made that decision. Considering that we had been talking about getting married in the very last week of June—it means that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley broke things off with me on June 29th and had sex with Jarrod only about a five weeks later. I don’t see that as being like something the moral, good, devout Catholic woman I love would do.

Shame:

I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley must be ashamed of the way she has treated me. I know that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—at least the woman that loved me—would be ashamed of most, if not all, of the things she has done because of her addictions. The amazing woman I love is proud, moral, good, devout and honest. The drug-addicted alcoholic she has become is ashamed, weak, corrupt, immoral and dishonest.

My beautiful and honest Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would never have lied about us, who we are to each other or how we feel about each other.

The drug-addicted alcoholic has lied about us—about who we are to each other—about how we feel about each other.

The proud and devout Catholic woman that I asked to marry me would never have debased herself for drugs and alcohol—she believed that sex was something that was only to be shared between two people who loved each other.

The drug-addicted alcoholic has prostituted herself—trading her body and sex for the drugs and alcohol her addictions require.

The woman I love is proud of her intelligence and of being a good student—as proven by the fact that she made Dean’s List her freshman year while taking five courses a semester and dealing with the problems of a lying, cheating boyfriend and a drug-dealing roommate. Yet, in spite of Ian’s betrayal and her problems with her roommate, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley still managed to have a 3.634 GPA.

The drug-addicted alcoholic didn’t make Dean’s List either semester of her sophomore year, despite taking only four courses a semester. In fact, her grades were so bad her fall semester of her sophomore year that she tweeted:

Why ask what my grades are if you have nothing to say? Thanks asshole, stop being jealous your kids more educated than you ever will be.

when she was asked how she did by her father at her brother’s birthday dinner in early January 2012.

The incredible woman that loves me knows right from wrong and is one of the most honest people I have ever known. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would never let people attack or hurt the people she loves without trying to defend them. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would never lie or defame anyone, much less the people who love her.

Yet, the drug-addicted alcoholic has allowed her father to use her to hurt the man she loves because she isn’t strong enough to take a stand for herself or for her beloved. She has perjured herself and defamed the man she loves because of her father’s fear of being confronted about his own drinking problems again.

The incredible woman that loves me told me she would never drive drunk because she knows my identical twin brother was killed by a drunk driver. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s maternal uncle was also killed in a self-caused, alcohol-and-drug-fueled car crash a few years ago.

Yet, the weak and cowardly drug-addicted alcoholic has likely been driving drunk and/or high regularly for the past eighteen months. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was also in a car crash back in January that was likely caused by her being high and/or drunk at the time it occurred. Lauren’s own social media posts have her drunk and/or high much of the week that the accident likely occurred.

I would point out that the longer Lauren Elizabeth Kelley stays a drug-addicted alcoholic, the more things she will have done that she will be ashamed of and the more difficult she will find it to forgive herself and to make amends for the pain, horror and devastation her addictions have caused.

Mistrust:

I know that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has a hard time trusting anyone after the way Ian betrayed her. I know that Ian cheating on Lauren Elizabeth Kelley hurt her. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s fault, but Ian’s. If Ian was too stupid and immature to realize what he had when he was with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and what she is truly worth, then that is his problem and his fault.

Yet, her mistrust of Ian has caused her to mistrust me—a person she has known and trusted all of her life—one who has never given her any reason to distrust them.

I have always been here for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—even when her own family was not—I have never lied to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—I have never betrayed or hurt Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. Yet, her addictions have made her do all that to me—the man Lauren Elizabeth Kelley said she loves.

I have stood by Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life. I have always been one of her greatest supporters and always done my best to help her achieve her goals and make her dreams come true. I have never betrayed her like Ian did—because I believe in my commitments, especially those to the woman I love most of all.

I have never used her like Jarrod did, much less thrown her away like Jarrod did. I never stopped loving Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I never stopped caring about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I never stopped being Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s friend.

Those are all things her addictions, fears, and self-doubts made her do. I have been steadfast and loyal to the woman I love for over seventeen months—when she really hasn’t done anything to deserve such loyalty or faith.

I have never hurt her like her father—because I know what an amazing and beautiful woman she is. I have seen who she was and what she has been through and am so proud of the incredible woman she has grown into that I asked her to marry me and share our lives together.

Doubt

In spite of everything my beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has been through, somehow, she grew up in to a strong, beautiful, compassionate, gracious and confident woman. I know because I have known her all of her life and watched it as it happened.

Once, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knew she was beautiful, strong, confident, smart and capable and her confidence in herself shows in the photos I have of her. In these photos Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s strength, confidence, and the love and trust she had for herself are clearly visible. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was happy and comfortable in who she was. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knew she was loved and lovable.

In most of these photos, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is also smiling and laughing—probably because she and I were together—she was with someone she knew loved her and that she loved.

Even though Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has plenty of proof of how beautiful, smart, strong, confident and lovable she really is, she doesn’t believe it. Even though Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has seen how much I love her and how much she loves me, her doubts don’t let her believe it any more. Even though we have been good friends, close confidantes and trusted each other implicitly for years, her doubts have destroyed all that.

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has the courage to look at the truth, she will see what I am saying is true. This is what Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions have taken from us. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has punished herself for what Ian, Jarrod and her father have done to her.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has punished me for what Ian, Jarrod and her father have done to her. Yet, I have done nothing wrong.

Fear

I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is scared of being betrayed again. I know what Ian did to her hurt her and made her feel worthless and unlovable.

But, I have never betrayed Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I have always stood by Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—even when she didn’t really deserve it—even when her own family wasn’t there for her. I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and that love has only grown stronger over the years.

The decisions Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has made the past eighteen months are all decisions made of fear. I think my confronting her about her drinking is what triggered her to start reacting out of fear rather than out of the love she and I have between us.

I am sure that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley loves me because she is far too honest a person to have told me “I love you” and “Sarangheyo” the dozens of times she did the week we were talking about getting married, having children and starting a life together. I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley wants to marry me and to start on that future we talked about because she asked to see the claddagh ring the night before I confronted her about her drinking.

A woman as honest as my Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would not have asked to see the ring after talking about what she wanted to name our children, about us getting married and about everything that had to do with starting a life together unless she wanted to accept the ring and start on that future we talked about.

I think that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is afraid I will betray her as Ian did. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley should know far better than that, but fears are irrational—and coupled with doubt, even all the evidence that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has from her 20 years of knowing me can still be questioned and result in such strong fears.

Lauren and her family have seen me through several committed relationships, including the very difficult one with Gee and her cancer. They know that I keep my vows and commitments. Lauren also has experience personally with how committed I am to the people I love—since she has been one of them all of her life.

Pain

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has to learn to separate the pain of what happened to her in the past from her present. That pain is doing her great harm and is destroying the relationship, the love, the friendship, trust and devotion that she and I have shared for years.

Pain can be useful as a teaching aid, but in the long run, unnecessary pain prevents people from healing. The emotional pain that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley carries from her years of emotional abuse by her father, from Ian’s betrayal of her and from Jarrod’s abuse of her are all things that prevent her from realizing the love she and I share and from starting on the future that she and I had talked about. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s pain is what creates her self-doubt, insecurities and fears. Those fears, insecurities and self-doubts are what give her addictions the strength and powerful grip that they have over her.

Moving On

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley wants to truly be able to move on from what her father, Ian and Jarrod have done to her, she needs to let go of the pain and forgive herself and do the other things that Doe talks about and that I’ve written about above. If the beautiful, strong, capable, smart and lovable Lauren Elizabeth Kelley asks me for my help, I would give it to her.

However, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would have to make her amends to me for the horrible things that she has said and done because of her addictions. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would have to prove to me that she is once again the woman that loves me—the woman that I love, adore and cherish—and more than the drug-addicted alcoholic that has wounded me and lied about me for seventeen months. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would have to show me that she has made a place for her beside her in her life and that she will fight to keep me there. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to prove that she is as committed to our relationship as I have always been and that she will do the hard work a good relationship needs to thrive.

I know the woman that loves me would understand why I require her to do these things and that they are non-negotiable. My beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would understand that they are only what is right and no less than the man she loves deserves for the loyalty and deep abiding love I have shown her over the very difficult seventeen months her addictions have been dominant.

I wish Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would trust me—someone who has never given her reason not to trust me—and let my love for her help heal her of her wounds as her love for me has healed me of mine. On June 22, 2011, just after I asked Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to marry me, I made a vow to the woman that loves me to be there for her.

Even despite what her addictions have made Lauren Elizabeth Kelley do and say over the past seventeen months, I still want to marry Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and spend the rest of my life with her, even if it means that I spend the rest of my days walking beside her on her long road to recovery. I love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley that much. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley means that much to me—she is the woman I love most of all and have loved the longest.

I hope that my beautiful, strong, stubborn, compassionate, feisty, gracious, good, devout, smart and lovable freckled, red-haired beloved and missed Irish rose reads this post and realizes the truth of it. I am here for her, as I have always been here for her all of her life. I have been here waiting for eighteen months—despite all the pain and suffering her addictions have caused me—despite the horrific things her addictions have made her say and do—because I love her and I believe in her.

I will abide a bit longer, but I can not wait forever. If all that is left of the amazing, funny, sweet, strong, mischievous, and adorable woman that loves me is the drug-addicted alcoholic, then I have no reason to stay. And, I must be moving on come the New Year because it is the only way I can truly honor the woman that loves me.

I know that my Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would want me to move on if all that is left is the pathetic, drug-addled, drunken wretch—since she loves me and wants me to be happy and loved and Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knows I deserve far better than the pale cruel, weak, selfish shadow of her could ever give me.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.