In some ways, this December, I’ll be saying goodbye to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, unless she gives me a clear and obvious sign that she still survives, still loves me, and that she wants my help fighting her addictions as I had promised her, her mother Sue, and her sister Bridget. I am finally walking away and moving on because I know that is what Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—the incredible woman who loves me—would want me to do if she had died or was lost to her addictions as certainly appears to be the case.
I know that the only real way to honor the love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I share for each other is to walk away from the pathetic, lying, craven, and weak drug-addicted alcoholic that is all that remains of my beautiful, strong, capable, honest, brave and smart beloved Irish rose. I know that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would want me to move on and find love and happiness because she loves me, just as Gee did. I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would agree that I deserve better than the debased wretch she has become is capable of giving me.
I want Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to know that I do not hold what her addictions have made her do and say against her. I forgive my beautiful, much beloved, strong, feisty, sweet, and lovable red-headed, freckled Irish lass for the horrific things her addictions have made her say and do. I know that the woman that loves me would not have done them if she had any choice in the matter and that they were the result of her addictions.
I can no more hold Lauren Elizabeth Kelley responsible for the actions of the drug-addicted alcoholic than I could blame Gee for the complications caused by her cancer. I know these actions are part and parcel of the horrible and progressive affliction that besets my smart, honest and capable beloved.
The drug-addicted alcoholic that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has become is incapable of loving anyone or anything other than the drugs and alcohol her addictions require. This is just the truth about addicts and alcoholics—until they are in recovery, nothing else but their drugs or alcohol matter to them. They simply can not care about anything else until they have hit rock bottom and realized they are an addict and an alcoholic and actively work to fight their addictions.
Even though Lauren Elizabeth Kelley doesn’t much like Taylor Swift, I think this song is probably fitting for her—if she should ever find the courage, strength and will to face her fears, insecurities and self-doubts and fight the addictions they give such power over her.
If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley ever recovers from her addictions far enough to admit the truth—she would see who she and I really were to each other—two people who loved each other deeply enough to talk about having children, getting married and starting a life together—who have been close friends and confidantes for years.
If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley can face the reality that her addictions have cost her the possible future together that she and I had talked about for a week in June 2011.
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley might finally admit that her addictions are what caused her to throw away twenty years of love, caring, devotion, friendship and trust that we had between us—she might regret what she has done, much as Taylor Swift does in the song. In Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s case, it won’t be December, but June.
If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley ever has the courage, honesty and integrity to make her amends to the man she said she loves, then much of what Taylor wrote will apply to her. I think Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have much the same regrets that Taylor wrote about in this song and would wish she could go back and change what she did on June 29, 2011 if she had the chance.
Unfortunately, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley probably won’t realize what her addictions have cost her until long after I have moved on and walked away from the future we could have had together—the future with the Asians with freckles my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley said she adored. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will not be able to step back in time and change the course of the events that have cost me Lauren and her family— five of the people I love most in this world—including Lauren Elizabeth Kelley herself—the woman I love most of all and still, despite all her addictions have made her say and do, still want to marry.
I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—the amazing woman that I love—does survive and eventually recovers to the point that she will realize the full cost of her addictions. I have spent almost eighteen months trying to help the woman I adore realize she has a problem with drugs and alcohol and trying to get her the help I believe she was asking for when she wrote the horrific social media posts that described her fall into a world of drugs, alcohol and promiscuous sex. My devotion and steadfast loyalty to the incredible woman that told me she loved me has cost me financially, socially, physically, and spiritually.
The main reason I am moving on and walking away from the drug-addicted alcoholic wretch that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has become is because staying will cost me my health, my heart and my sanity. The pain and sorrow of watching the beautiful, sweet, smart, caring, gracious, strong and devout Catholic woman I asked to marry me—my Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—the one I have known all of her life and watched grow and mature into a woman so beautiful, smart and strong that I asked her to marry me—become an apathetic, uncaring, weak, cowardly, dishonest, immoral, debased shadow of her true self because of her addiction to drugs and alcohol is too much for me to bear.
Seeing my feisty-spirited, fiery, fierce and strong freckled red-haired Irish rose become someone lost in a drug-and-alcohol induced stupor to the point where she no longer cares about the things that were once most important to her is horrifying and tragic beyond belief.
To realize that the once proud and stubborn Lauren Elizabeth Kelley who prided herself on how intelligent she was and what a good student she was has failed to make Dean’s List because of her addictions is heart-breaking.
To know that the woman that loves me and cares about me has broken her promise not to drive drunk, even knowing that my identical twin was killed by a drunk driver, wounds and saddens me.
While Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has not yet lied to me—she has lied about me and broken faith and trust with me in so many ways I can not count them all. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has gone from someone I trusted implicitly to a stranger that lies pathologically.
To see that the proud, moral and devout Catholic woman I asked to marry me would give her body to near strangers to get the alcohol and drugs her addictions require is tragic and heart breaking. I doubt it ever was God’s Plan for his beautiful Irish daughter to prostitute herself for the drugs and alcohol her addictions require as she has.
These are among the reasons that I can not stay and remain the person that my Lauren Elizabeth Kelley loves. I no longer have the warmth and healing balm of her love to heal the wounds her addictions are tearing in my heart and spirit. I have lost my beloved and mi querencia and mo chuisle mo chroi.
I will not stay and let her betrayal of me and our love turn me into a bitter, angry, and wounded person that despises what is left of the woman I loved more than anyone else I have ever known.
I have to leave before I become something as hateful and loathsome as the drug-addicted alcoholic, who prostituted herself to Jarrod for months to get the drugs and alcohol her addictions required, would be to my beloved if she were healthy.
I have known Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life—she was born the daughter of two people I had considered family for over a decade, and I have loved her in some fashion all of her life.
I have cared for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life. I have been her friend, confidante, protector, guide, and mentor for many years, partly at the request of her mother, but mostly because I have always adored her. I do not know how to not love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley; I do not know how to not care about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley; loving and caring for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley are things I have done for 20 years.
I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley for longer than Gee, Su, Shelley and Yoon combined. I love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley more than anyone else I have ever known.
I never stopped loving Lauren Elizabeth Kelley
I never stopped caring about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.
I never stopped being Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s friend.
Those were all things that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions made her forget. Her addictions made her throw away two decades of love, caring, devotion, friendship and trust. Her addictions made her throw away the one person her heart said “I love you” and “Sarangheyo” to dozens of times during the week we talked about marriage, having children, and starting our future together. Her addictions made her push away the one person that has always been there for her, all of her life, even when her own blood-family was not.
This is the truth. It isn’t pretty, but alcoholism and drug addiction rarely are.
If the beautiful, strong, smart, capable and lovable woman somehow manages to survive and fight her addictions enough to want to make amends for the devastation her addictions have caused, I would love her to seek me out and let me know she is recovering.
I will always love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, and my walking away and moving on does not change how much I love her or care about her. I am just doing what I need to do to protect the man Lauren Elizabeth Kelley loves from her addictions. Addictions are not a disease that affects only the addict, but are a family illness that damages everyone who loves and cares for the addict.
In so many ways, losing Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to her addictions is a fate worse than death. Losing Gee to cancer was horrible, but it was also final—there was no question of whether Gee still survived, trapped beneath the horrors of her addictions—still struggling to fight her way back to her true self and to me, her beloved. With Gee’s death to cancer and the death of my twin at the hands of a drunk driver—there was closure and no question that I was abandoning someone I loved to a horrible fate and breaking the vows I had made to them.
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions have not changed who Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is fundamentally. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley still knows right from wrong and she still has the same morals and beliefs that she did before she became an alcoholic and drug-addict. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley still loves and cares about the same people she always has.
What her addictions make her do is behave in ways that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would never consider had she been healthy. The lies that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has been telling for the past seventeen months about who she and I are to each other are a good example of that. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would never have lied about me or how we feel about each other if she were healthy. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would never have driven drunk if she were healthy.
However, if someone tells a lie long enough, it often becomes their reality, and I fear that is what has happened to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—the lies she has been telling have become so ingrained in her mind that she can not see the truth any longer—even if the photos of us together belie the fabricated reality her addictions have been forcing her to live in for the past seventeen months.
If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley ever hits rock bottom, I am fairly certain that it will require that she end up in the hospital—much like her brother did when he flunked out of Bentley College nearly four years ago—in jail, flunking out of Emmanuel College, or living on the street.
If the horrors and obvious problems that drugs and alcohol have caused for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley the past eighteen months are not enough to show her that she has a serious problem with drugs and alcohol, she won’t be able to see her addictions for what they are without hitting the hard, ugly, brutal rock bottom that most addicts have to hit before they can recognize the truth.
I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is not seriously injured or killed and that she does not seriously injure or kill someone else in the process of her hitting rock bottom. Even if she is not seriously injured or killed, it is likely that much of the bright future Lauren Elizabeth Kelley had ahead of her will be destroyed by her addictions.
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is an adult now and her choices and her actions have consequences that can haunt her for the rest of her life—something she does not seem to really understand. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s dreams of going to law school are unlikely if she is ever convicted of a felony, like using one of her fake IDs to buy alcohol. Getting convicted of drunk driving or driving under the influence of drugs will likely destroy her chances of practicing law.
Given that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has likely been driving drunk and/or high regularly for the past eighteen months and that she has been practicing risky behaviors—including being sexually promiscuous with known drug users—there is a strong chance of her getting seriously hurt, pregnant or catching a sexually transmitted disease like syphilis or even HIV/AIDS.
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has put herself at risk of being raped, assaulted, robbed or murdered repeatedly over the past 18 months. Alcohol is one of the biggest factors that increase the risk of being the victim of a violent crime. In fact, in one study, 60-70% of homicides, 75% of stabbings, 70% of beatings, and 50% of fights and domestic assaults involved alcohol. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has just been very lucky so far that she hasn’t been mugged, assaulted, raped or killed.
If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley hits rock bottom and decides to fight her addictions, I doubt that she will get much help from her friends or family.
Her father John and her brother Johnny Jr. are both alcoholics in denial. Her father has emotionally abused Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and her mother for years. I know this from witnessing it first-hand. John has also shown that he is a coward and a bully by coercing Lauren Elizabeth Kelley into perjuring herself for the past eighteen months and putting her future at risk just to protect himself after I confronted him about his own problems with alcohol.
Johnny Walker Kelley Jr., her big brother, is likely also a drug-addict in denial. I know this because Sue, Lauren’s mother, asked me to speak with Johnny Jr. after he flunked out of Bentley College nearly four years ago and ended up in the hospital after nearly being arrested several times. Sue wanted me to talk to Johnny Jr. about his problems with drugs, alcohol and chronic depression.
Johnny Jr.’s problems with drugs and alcohol suddenly disappeared after we got him into counseling and treatment for his depression. However, he seems to believe he isn’t a drug-addict or an alcoholic, because his problems with both are currently under control. I am fairly certain that if Johnny Jr. ever lets his depression go uncontrolled again, he will start using drugs and alcohol with a vengeance.
Bridget, Lauren’s sister and their mother Sue are too frightened of John, Lauren’s father, to do anything to help Lauren currently. However, I believe that if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley ends up in the hospital or jail or flunking out of Emmanuel College, it is likely that Sue’s maternal instincts may override her fear of her husband and allow her to help her daughter, but this is not necessarily true.
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s current friends are all fellow alcoholics and drug-addicts. Lauren has been pushing away anyone that doesn’t enable her addictions from what I can see. I doubt that any of them have a serious connection or commitment to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I am fairly certain that if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley becomes seriously ill, injured or otherwise a burden to them, they will dump her much as her “boyfriend” Jarrod did. Of course, Jarrod, like her current friends, had no love or commitment to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley beyond being fellow addicts and alcoholics. As soon as she is more of an inconvenience to them than their addictions will tolerate, they’ll dump her.
The only person that cared enough about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to even notice what she had been doing to herself and to try and get her the help she needs was me. Even though I have promised to stand by my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and walk beside her on her long road to recovery if she should ask me to, I can not keep that promise unless Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—the woman I love and made the promise to—is here to keep it to.
I have no commitment to the drug-addicted alcoholic that has done nothing but lie about me, about who Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I are to each other, and about how Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I feel about each other. I have made no vows to the wretched and pathetic, lying, craven dross that her addictions have left. Without the beautiful, smart, strong, capable and lovable woman I asked to marry me—the woman that loves me—I have no reason to stay.
If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley should ever recover enough to fight her addictions and she wants me to walk beside her on her long road to recovery as I have promised her sister Bridget and her mother Sue, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to make her amends to me—for all the damage her addictions have caused.
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to prove to me that she is more than the pathetic drug-addled drunk that she has been for the past eighteen months and once again the woman that loves me—that I love.
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to show me that she has made a place for me in her life beside her and that she will fight to keep me there—because I will not settle for being second to anyone in her life or anything less than I deserve.
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to show me that she is as committed to us and our relationship as I have always been—and that she is willing to put in the hard work that a strong relationship requires.
These terms are not negotiable. They are things that the woman that loves me knows I deserve. They are the right thing to do and the woman I love has the integrity and strength to want to do the right thing for the man she loves.
If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley can do that, I would be honored to walk beside her on her long road to recovery as I have promised. I will support her when she stumbles or falls, guide her when she gets lost or feels confused, protect her when she is frightened or feels scared, and, most of all, love her more each and every day.
That is the promise I have made to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, her sister Bridget and mother Sue. It is my honor to the woman I love and have been friends with for years. It is part of my to pledge to protect, guide, love and support her that I made to her mother years ago.
I will abide a short while longer because Christmas is a time of miracles and I believe in the strong, capable, smart and stubborn woman I asked to marry me. I hope that she still survives and will read this post and show me a clear and obvious sign that she is still there and that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley still wants the future with Asians with freckles that she and I had talked about for a week in June 2011. If I have not seen any sign of my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley by year’s end, I will move on as I know she would want for the man she loves.
I do not want to do this, but life goes on, even as her addictions seem to deepen their hold on her. I fear that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will not realize the cost of her addictions or how dangerous they are to her, her health, her mind, her body or her future until she hits rock bottom. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will likely end up in jail, the hospital like her brother did, flunking out of Emmanuel College, living on the street, or dead before she hits rock bottom and realizes how serious her problems with drugs and alcohol are. This may never happen—as is the case with her father.
But, I doubt I will be here to see that happen. I have fought for my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley for seventeen months, to no avail and with no sign that anything of the woman I love even exists any more. I still hope and pray that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will see what her addictions are costing her before I walk away in January.
I still hope and pray that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is strong enough to fight her addictions, make her amends and give me a clear and obvious sign that she still loves me and still wants my help before New Year’s.
If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—the woman that loves me—does that, there is nothing that could make me leave her. If there is nothing left but the drug-addicted alcoholic, then it is clearly time for me to be moving on.
God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.
May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.
I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.
I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.
I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.
Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.
All this in Jesus’s name I pray.
Amen.
Back to December by Taylor Swift
I’m so glad you made time to see me
How’s life? Tell me, how’s your family?
I haven’t seen them in a while
You’ve been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die[Chorus]
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I’m sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you
Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the timeThese days, I haven’t been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn’t call
Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye[Chorus]
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I’m sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you
Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the timeI miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I’d love you right
I’d go back in time and change it, but I can’t
So if the chain is on your door, I understandThis is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I’m sorry for that night
And I go back to December
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you
Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time, all the time