Adrift at Sea —Dan’s blog on dankim.com

“Distance teaches us to appreciate the days that we are able to spend together and distance teaches us the definition of patience. It is a reminder that every moment together is special, and every second together should be cherished.”

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley giving me bunny ears at Fire & Ice on her 18th birthday

I cherish every moment I have had with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I am blessed by the years of love, caring, devotion, friendship and loyalty Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I have had before she fell to her addictions.

I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and always will, regardless of how far apart we are physically—she will always be close to my heart. I have cared for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and always will, no matter the distance between us.

My fierce, funny, sweet, feisty and lovable Lauren Elizabeth Kelley hamming it up for the camera down at her Cape house.

I hope my Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is strong enough to eventually fight her addictions before they cost her her health, her body, her mind, her spirit, her future and possibly her life. I hope some day when she looks back, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley may realize what her addictions have truly cost her.

I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will look back upon that week we talked about having a future together and realize that her addictions are what made her throw away twenty years of love, devotion, caring, friendship and loyalty.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley might realize that her sister was right when she said that no one will ever love her or care for her the way I do. I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will see that she lost her greatest supporter and the person who always believed in her no matter how many times she let him down and always tried to help her achieve her goals and make her dreams come true.

I never walked away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I have been there for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life—even when her own family wasn’t. I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and cared for her all of her life. I never stopped loving Lauren Elizabeth Kelley or caring about her. I never stopped being Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s friend.

Even now, after eighteen months of abuse, lies, defamation and the other horrible things her father and her addictions have made her do, I am still here for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—loyal and loving beyond all reason—for a short while longer. If all that is left of my beautiful, strong, sweet, funny, and lovable freckled redhead is the drug-addicted alcoholic that I have seen for eighteen months, then there is no more reason for me to stay.

Anyone else would have walked away. Anyone else would have given up on the pathetic, lying, hateful thing Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has become. I haven’t because I know who she, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, truly is. I have known Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and seen her grow in to an amazing young woman that is honest, compassionate, gracious, beautiful, strong, stubborn, capable and lovable beyond measure. I know how far Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has come from the selfish, self-centered and bratty child she once was.

My beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley

That is why I asked Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to marry me. That is why I have pledged to spend to share the rest of my life with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—even if it means walking beside her on her long road to recovery the rest of my days.

That is why I have promised to catch Lauren Elizabeth Kelley when she stumbles or falls; to protect Lauren Elizabeth Kelley when she feels threatened or is scared; to guide Lauren Elizabeth Kelley when she gets lost or feels confused; and most of all, to love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley more each and every day.

This is my commitment to the incredible woman who surprised me by telling me she loved me and talking about all the things that involved starting a life together for a week in June 2011. This is my promise to a beautiful young woman that I have been friends and close confidantes with for years. This is a vow I have to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s mother and sister. This is who I am and always have been.

Even if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley never fights her addictions, and is truly lost to them for the rest of this lifetime, I know that we will be together again in the next, because a love as strong and true as the one we share will bring us together again. I still hope for my beautiful Irish rose—Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—to regain her true self and for her to marry me and for us to start on the future we once talked about. As time goes by, I doubt more and more that that will happen in this lifetime.

I will always treasure the memories of the lifetime Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I have had together. I have known Lauren Elizabeth Kelley longer than my twin brother was alive. I have known and loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley longer than Shelley, Su, Gee and Yoon combined—and I always will. I will miss Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and mourn the amazing woman that said “Sarangheyo” to me. I will grieve for the beautiful woman that said she loved me and for the future we could have had.

I will miss Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s beautiful eyes that change color like the North Atlantic after a Nor’easter has passed through. I will miss the beautiful smile that was my reward for spoiling Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and could light up an entire room. I will miss the mischievous laugh and grin that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley had when she was planning something. I will miss the scent of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s hair and the soft skin with the freckles I wanted to kiss and count. I will miss my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley as I have for eighteen months.

No matter what happens, I wish my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley well. I wish Lauren Elizabeth Kelley long life, happiness, success and most of all, love—even if it is not with me. I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley eventually finds serenity, peace and grace once again. I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley learns to love herself and appreciate what an amazing person she is and always has been. I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley finally learns to forgive herself for whatever things that are driving her to punish herself so harshly. And, I hope that one day Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will remember who I truly am and how much I truly love her.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.