Adrift at Sea —Dan’s blog on dankim.com

Looking back on the last two years, I realize that I am thankful that I got the chance to tell Lauren Elizabeth Kelley how my feelings for her had changed and grown.

I am thankful that I got a chance to tell my amazing Lauren Elizabeth Kelley how much I loved her and ask her to marry me.

I am thankful that we got a chance to talk about possibly having a future together, even if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions make that future unlikely now.

I am thankful that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley told me she loved me and said “Sarangheyo” to me dozens of times the week we spent talking about our future together. I know she is too honest a person to have told me that if it were not what she meant and felt.

I am thankful that many of my friends have supported me and been there for me during this difficult time without judging me.

I am thankful for nearly two decades of love, happiness, friendship, caring, devotion and loyalty that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I shared. I will always cherish the memories of the time we spent together, as friends, and as something more. I’ve written about a few of these cherished and treasured memories at: http://bit.ly/UaOrna

I hope and pray that the beautiful woman I love—Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—will find the courage, the strength and, most of all, the will to fight her addictions. I hope that the knowledge that there is at least one person that loves her and finds her so amazing that he would want to spend the rest of his life with her will help her find what she needs to fight her addictions.

I hope that the words and wishes I have for my beautiful Irish rose eventually find their way to her and reach her before it is too late—before her addictions cost her her health, her mind, her spirit and her future. I know she was still reading what I wrote and listening to the advice I had for her as of the end of February because she said she was.

I hope and pray that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will eventually find her way back to whom God meant for her to be—the amazing, strong, beautiful, smart, gracious, compassionate, kind, happy, good, sweet, feisty, lovable red-haired, freckled woman that I love and asked to marry me.

Most of all, I wish Lauren Elizabeth Kelley happiness, success, joy, health, long life and love—no matter what happens between us, because I love her that much. Loving one imperfect person is the hard stuff, as Glennon of Momastery wrote. Glennon is right—she should know, having come through recovery along a path similar to the road that my Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is on. http://bit.ly/RjBT8U

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley should never recover from her addictions, or if her path should take her out of my life forever—I will miss her and mourn for the future we could have had and grieve over the loss of one of the most incredible women I have ever known. I hope that we will be together in our next life, because I know a love as strong as the one we have shared will bring us together once again.

I would ask my friends and family pray for the beautiful, feisty, freckled, redheaded Irish woman I have come to love more than anyone else I have ever known—pray for her safety and for her safe return to being whom God has meant for her to be. http://www.godvine.com/prayers/44906

I have stood by my vows to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley for eighteen months, waiting and hoping that she would recover from her addictions—so that she and I could start on the amazing future we had once talked about—the future that includes our children—the Asians with freckles that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley said she adored. As more time goes by, it seems less and less likely that that future will ever come true—because it seems less and less likely that the incredible woman that said “Sarangheyo” dozens of times has survived the horrors of her addictions.

If my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley does still exist, I hope she can give me a clear and obvious sign that she is still there, fighting her addictions and still loves me; still wants the future we talked about; and wants me to accompany her on long road to recovery. As I have said to her—if nothing remains of the strong, feisty, freckled Irish woman I love but the pale, drug-addicted alcoholic that she has been for these eighteen months, then there is no reason for me to stay—no one to keep my vows to—no one I love or care about left.

I do not know the drug-addicted alcoholic, except as someone who has lied about me, hurt me, and destroyed everything I love about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I know that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would want me to move on if she is truly lost to her addictions because she loves me and would want me to be happy and loved—Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would agree that I deserve so much better than the pathetic and wretched thing that she has become. I forgive Lauren Elizabeth Kelley for what she has said and done because of her addictions, and know that it was not truly her choice to say and do those things.

I will abide by the vows I have made to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley a while longer in the forlorn hope that she still lives and hears these words before I move on. I hope that she gives me the sign I need to see so I know she is still here. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is still here, there is nothing that can make me leave. If all that is left is the drug-addicted alcoholic, then there is no reason to stay.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.