Adrift at Sea —Dan’s blog on dankim.com

I keep wondering why the beautiful woman I love, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, has been a drug-addicted alcoholic for seventeen months. I think I finally figured out what happened to the amazing woman that loves me.

I think her betrayal by Ian in January 2011, when she caught him cheating on her with a woman who by all accounts wasn’t as pretty or as smart as Lauren Elizabeth Kelley herself, her self-esteem took a major hit. I think this blow to her self-esteem combined with the years of emotional abuse by her father—who told Lauren Elizabeth Kelley that she wasn’t good enough, perfect enough, pretty enough or smart enough for years—caused my beautiful Irish rose to doubt herself and to stop believing in herself and loving herself.

I think one of the reasons Lauren Elizabeth Kelley pushed me away when she became a drug-addicted alcoholic is that she didn’t feel she was worthy of being loved, especially not the way I loved her—she felt she wasn’t worthy of being the person I wanted to marry, raise a family with or spend the rest of my life with.

I think the problem was made worse by the lies she told in order to try and isolate me from her family—lies about who we were to each other and how we feel about each other. I think that she started to believe the lies after a time. My beautiful, amazing, smart, strong, stubborn, feisty, sweet, good, kind, compassionate, honest and lovable Irish rose stopped believing that she was all this and more.

I believe her father held her tuition over her and used it to coerce Lauren Elizabeth Kelley into perjuring herself to protect him in August of 2011, right after I confronted him about his own issues with alcoholism. This made things worse for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, because now she was backed into a corner and didn’t know of any way out.

However, the truth of who Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I are to each other is pretty clearly visible in the photos of us together. The smiles on our faces and the laughter we experienced shows how much love, friendship, caring and devotion we have shared over the years.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and me kayaking on the Bass River with her family and Carmen’s.

It amazes me that the very intelligent Lauren Elizabeth Kelley hasn’t figured out how to fix the problems her lies and her father’s lies have caused her. The simple solution is for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to tell the truth. If she tells the truth about how her father coerced her into lying and perjuring herself and recants her lies—she can make things right.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, at least the woman I know and love, is one of the most honest people I have ever known. In fact, even all this time, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has never lied to me as far as I know. Instead, she has lied about me, but has never actually lied to me, and I think this is important to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.

In fact, I believe that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley needs to be able to tell herself that she has never lied to the man she loves and hasn’t betrayed his trust in her. In many ways this is true and it makes a strange sort of sense. I believe that is why Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has never spoken to me since we stopped speaking on June 29, 2011. I think that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knows she would have to lie to me if she spoke to me, and to prevent having to lie to the man that loves her, she has chosen to not speak to him at all.

I wish Lauren Elizabeth Kelley could find the strength to tell the world the truth about us—about how much we love each other another and what we really are to each other. I wish Lauren Elizabeth Kelley had the courage to face her addictions and fight them. I know she is ashamed of most of the things she has said and done because of her addictions, but running away from the problems only makes it all that much further she has to travel to face them. The longer she remains a drug-addicted alcoholic, the more she will have to be ashamed of and the higher the cost will be in the long run.

Unlike Ian—the person who betrayed Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, or Jarrod—the person who threw Lauren Elizabeth Kelley away when he grew tired of her, or her father John, who has emotionally abused her all of her life—I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life. I have cared for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life. I have been her greatest supporter and number one fan and always done whatever I could to help her achieve her goals and make her dreams come true. I have been her protector and mentor for years. I have always watched out for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, who has been one of my closest friends for years.

I know her true worth—I know who Lauren Elizabeth Kelley really is. I have known Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life, loved her all of her life, and cared for her all of her life. I never stopped loving Lauren Elizabeth Kelley or caring about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I never stopped being her friend—whether she recognizes the truth of these statements or not. I do not know how to not care about or love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—they are things I have done all of her life and to not do them is foreign to me.

I am here for the amazing, beautiful, strong, stubborn, kind, good, honest, feisty, sweet, compassionate, fiery, gracious and lovable woman I have asked to marry me. If nothing else, I will be here for her when she decides to fight her addictions and ask me for my help. Like Gee, I can no more abandon Lauren Elizabeth Kelley because of her illness than I could have abandoned Gee.

I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is reading this and understands how much I love her and that I know her true worth. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is a priceless treasure beyond measure to me. I love her and always will. However, that does not mean I will wait for her forever. Unless I see some clear and obvious sign that the amazing woman that loves me is still alive, then I will have no choice but to move on as Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would want me to do if she is truly lost to her addictions.

Unless I have a clear sign that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley still loves me, still wants the future we talked about and still is here—then I will have to move on because I have no commitment to the drug-addicted alcoholic that has been occupying her body for the past seventeen months. I do not know the drug-addicted alcoholic. I do not care about the drug-addicted alcoholic.

It would appear that the drug-addicted alcoholic is still there, in spite of the academic progress Lauren Elizabeth Kelley appears to have made this semester. This is a social media post from one of her friends to her, where they apparently have sushi and blunts regularly on Friday nights. Lauren’s friend Michelle, one of the many who bought fake IDs with Lauren last summer, is also going into Boston to go drinking with Lauren—yet Lauren doesn’t think she has a problem.

A social media post directed to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley mentioning sushi and blunts.

I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will tell the truth about who we are and how we feel about each other. I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will tell the truth about what her father made her do and how he threw her under a bus to protect himself—using her tuition to coerce her into perjuring herself. I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will make amends for the things her addictions have made her say and do. I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will fight her additions and ask me for my company along her long road to recovery.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.