Looking back… as the 12th anniversary of one of the happiest days of my life approaches, I was just reading some of the posts I made both here and on Facebook back in June 2011. They were some of the happiest posts of my life… because they were about some of the happiest events of my life.
It is so hard to believe all the pain and sorrow of the past seventeen months could have started from something so joyful. I had realized that I have always known the woman that Gee had asked me to seek out after she was gone—someone that I have known for years—all of her life.
It was a shock to me to realize that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was the woman I had promised Gee that I would marry—the one person I love more than I love Gee.
In so many ways, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was not the person I had expected to find in my heart, but when I awoke on June 22, 2011 at 0130, from a dream so vivid that I could still taste the salt air from it, I realized that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and our daughter—a precious Asian with freckles—were the future I really wanted and that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
In some ways, it made perfect sense. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was someone I have always loved—all of her life. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I had been friends and confidantes for years—we had trusted each other with our secrets, hopes, goals, dreams and fears for years. Lauren Elizabeth was always someone I have cared about and doted on. She has always been special to me.
I was surprised to find out that her mother had told a mutual friend a couple years earlier that she would not be surprised if Lauren Elizabeth and I became more than friends. We were already very close and the love and caring we shared was obvious between us—as can be seen in the photos of us together over the years.
When I told Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s mother Sue, that I wanted to marry her daughter, she did not seem surprised and she did not treat me any differently from before.
Asking Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to marry me and telling her how my love for her had grown and changed over the years and that I realized she was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was something I did with great terror. I feared that my revealing how my feelings for her had changed would destroy a friendship we had shared for years.
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s response was nothing like what I expected. I had expected a simple yes or no, or possibly a “you’re crazy” and her running off.
What I did not expect was for the incredible and beautiful woman I love to ask me if Gee, a woman she had never met and didn’t know, would be angry at me or her or us if we got married—if I got re-married.
I explained to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley that one of the last things Gee had made me promise was to not “close my heart off to the world” after she died, and Gee had made me promise to get married again if I met someone I loved enough. I then told Lauren Elizabeth Kelley that I believed that she was the woman that Gee had asked me to seek out.
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley then told me she wished she had had a chance to meet Gee, something that she never did because of how ill Gee was for much of the time we were together.
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley then told me she regretted never having had the chance to meet Gee—someone she had heard much about over the years, since I did talk to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley about what Gee and I went through and how we felt about each other many times in the previous six years—especially the times when Lauren Elizabeth would ask about how she would know if she had met the right person and what love was really like.
Then, as we finished up breakfast, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley told me she loved me—a simple declaration of “I love you.” I am pretty certain that given what I had just told her and what I had just asked her, that she meant she loved me as a woman loves a man.
The fact that we spent much of the next week talking about what we would name our children; getting married; where we would get married, when we would get married; how Lauren Elizabeth adored Asians with freckles—which our children would likely be; religion; and the claddagh ring I had bought for her—was just more proof of her love for me. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley also told me she loved me again, dozens of times in both English and Korean—something I do not believe she would do unless she did love me.
On June 28, 2011, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley asked me if she could see the claddagh ring I had bought her. Up to this point, she had never said yes to my proposal, but it certainly seemed like she was seriously considering it, especially given the topics we had touched on the previous days. I told her I would bring it by the next time I was going to see her—just a few days later. Little did I know that was never going to happen.
I believe, given the subjects and topics Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I had talked about for almost a week, that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley had asked to see the claddagh ring so that she could accept it and my proposal of marriage. I do not believe she would have asked to see the ring unless she were going to accept it.
On June 29, 2011—I had texted Lauren Elizabeth Kelley in the morning a message sending her virtual hugs and kisses. About mid-day, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley posted that she was going down to the Cape to go drinking. I asked her—via text message and PM—to be careful and to not use the fake IDs I knew she had—the ones she had shown me the day before. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley got angry and after I showed my concern about her drinking, she stopped speaking to me—having gone from accepting virtual hugs and kisses via text message to telling me to lose her number and fuck off in less than five hours. The only major event was my confronting her about her drinking. I didn’t realize she was an alcoholic and a drug-addict at the time.
That was when Lauren began telling her family the lies she has been teling about me, about us and about who we are to each other and what we mean to each other. I believe she told these lies to try and isolate me from her family—people I have known and loved for 30 years and considered part of my own family—as they considered me part of theirs. I believe that Lauren didn’t want me to be able to tell them about her addictions to drugs and alcohol—something she had managed to keep hidden from all of us thus far.
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions have cost her a lot in the seventeen months she has been a drug-addicted alcoholic. Her addictions have damaged her health, her body, her mind and her future.
Lauren’s mind has been seriously affected and her academic performance has suffered dramatically since she started drinking and doing drugs heavily in May 2011. All the things I warned her mother and her about in August 2011 have come to pass as I predicted. Lauren is at risk of losing her scholarship—the scholarship she needs to be able to afford Emmanuel College. While Lauren was on Dean’s List her freshman year, she has failed to make Dean’s List since she fell to her addictions. Even though she was only taking four courses a semester her sophomore year, she has failed to make Dean’s List, something she did quite easily while taking five courses a semester previously.
Lauren’s health has been pretty seriously affected. In many of the photos of her since we stopped talking some of the negative effects of her heavy drinking and drug use are pretty clearly visible. Lauren’s weight has been cycling pretty rapidly over a fairly large range since she fell to her addictions—going from about 115 pounds in June 2011, to about 160 pounds in August, and then down to probably close to 105 pounds in April 2012, and then back up to about 150 pounds in August 2012, which is the last time I saw her.
In some of her photos, her skin appears jaundiced, her eyes are tear-filled and bloodshot, and her hair appears dry and brittle. In others, her face appears oddly shaped or swollen. In yet others, she is wearing large sunglasses, and I have to wonder if it is to cover her bloodshot eyes. In some, her neck appears very thin, almost anorexic in appearance—and in others she wears a scarf to hide her neck.
Lauren’s addictions are destroying her future—because in January 2012, it is likely that Lauren was in a drug-or-alcohol fueled car crash. I can’t call it an accident, since it was likely that Lauren was high and/or drunk by her own social media posts at the time the accident occurred. If Lauren has been driving drunk or high regularly since she started doing drugs and drinking heavily—which appears to be the case from her own social media posts—it is very likely that she will eventually be arrested for DUI, and will be lucky if she doesn’t kill or seriously injure herself or an innocent bystander in the process. A DUI conviction, especially as an under-aged drunk driver, will destroy many of her dreams and goals—like attending law school.
If Lauren is caught using a fake ID, that is a felony in the state of Massachusetts, and a felony conviction will also preclude many of her goals and dreams. I am the only person who has tried to warn her about the possible consequences to her and her future if she continues to drink and do drugs as she has been doing.
Lauren is very lucky she hasn’t been assaulted, robbed, raped or killed while she has been drunk or high. A very large percent of the violent crimes that women are victims of are due to them being high or drunk when the crimes occur. Lauren has posted that she was close to the point of passing out while in public several times. Lauren has also posted that she has been involved in risky sexual behavior while drunk or high.
Lauren has also posted that “she wasn’t responsible for anything that happened in the past twelve hours” after going out to a bar with her friend Michelle—one of the others that bought the Chinese made fake IDs that Lauren showed me—and spending the night in Boston. Since neither Michelle or Lauren had an apartment in Boston and Lauren’s dormitory was closed for the winter break at the time—I am guessing that Lauren spent the night with some random guy she picked up at the sportsbar she and Michelle had gone to watch the AFC championship game at.
Finally, I would point out that Lauren’s risky sexual behavior—including the four months she was prostituting herself to Jarrod for the drugs and alcohol her addictions required—has put Lauren at serious risk for sexually transmitted diseases. I doubt that she has practiced safe sex, since she was likely high or drunk much of the time she was probably having sex. The fact that Jarrod was likely sexually active with multiple partners at the time Lauren was “dating” him and that he and his partners are drug users puts Lauren in a very high risk category.
If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley does still exist—I have not seen any evidence of it. For the last seventeen months I have been going on my faith in the woman I love. I know how strong, stubborn and smart the amazing woman that loves me really is and find it almost impossible to believe that she has succumbed to her addictions completely. I trust Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, as I have all of her life and always will. I believe in Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—as I have all of her life—being her greatest supporter and someone who has always tried to help her achieve her goals and make her dreams come true.
I still believe that the amazing woman that I asked to marry me—that loves me—still exists and is there fighting to return to her true self. I would ask Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—that if you are still there—to show me a sign that you still exist and that you still love me, you still need me, and still want the future we had talked about that week in June.
If you—Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—can not show me a sign that you are still there—it must be because you have succumbed to your addictions completely and that there is truly nothing left of the woman that loves me. If that is the case, I must be moving on—because I know that is what you—the woman that loves me—would want, just as Gee did.
It really is up to you Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. You can choose to remain the drug-addicted alcoholic shadow of yourself that you have been for seventeen months. Or, you can choose to fight your addictions, make your amends and ask me to be part of your life again.
I can’t wait forever. I won’t wait forever. I deserve better than the drug-addicted alcoholic and the lies she has been telling and the abuse she has been committing. As much as I love you, if you are a victim of your addictions, there is nothing left for me here. It is that simple. Most women would kill to have a man that loves them and is as loyal and committed to them as I am to you. Either you are the smart, beautiful, strong, stubborn and brave woman I love—or you are the stupid, ugly, weak, apathetic, and cowardly alcoholic that has been lying about who we are and what we are to each other for seventeen months.
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, you only live once. Just consider that and take a chance on me—take a chance on us—I think I have proven that I will not betray you, that I will be here for you and that I love you.
Isn’t that what you said you really wanted so many years ago.
If I do move on because you are lost to your addictions and never took a chance that what we have is real and true and you finally look back and realize what you have lost—you will have no one to blame but yourself, your doubts, your insecurities and your fears.
I have done everything I could for you and have no regrets about what I have done out of my love for you. I never stopped loving you, caring about you or being your friend—your addictions made you throw all that away.
I love you Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I always have. I always will. But that doesn’t mean I will wait forever.
I have said all I need to say to you Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.
Either you still exist and are still reading the words written here because you love me and still care about what I have to say—or you have succumbed to your addictions completely and no longer exist.
Either you will see the truth of what I’ve written here or you will continue to believe the lies and deceit that your addictions have led you to tell the past seventeen months. There is a strange beauty and light to the truth, even if the truth is something that is ugly and unpleasant—it is the truth and no one else is telling it to you. I love you too much to deceive you—and have never lied to you.
Either you want to fight your addictions, make your amends and return to being the person God has always intended you to be—or you have chosen to remain the drug-addicted alcoholic that is a pale and anemic shadow of who you really are.
I will leave this here, for you, my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley or the drug-addicted alcoholic that you have been to see and read. This is my gift to you—in the hopes that you will see the damage that your addictions are doing to your body, your mind, your health and your future—that you will realize that the cost to you is too high and the addictions, while they may make you forget your pain temporarily—are just a temporary mask at best and far worse than facing your fears and seeking the truth.
You know where and how to reach me. You know what you must do before I can help you—what I require from you—that you make amends for the lies and actions your addictions have made you say and do; show me that you have made a place for me beside you in your life and that you will fight to keep me there; show me that you are the woman that loves me and more than the drug-addicted alcoholic that has been occupying your body for the past seventeen months; and show me that you are as committed to me and our relationship as I have always been. These things are not negotiable. The woman that loves me knows that they are the least I deserve and what is right. The woman I love is strong enough and honorable enough to do them with out hesitation or question.
God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.
May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.
I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.
I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.
I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.
Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.
All this in Jesus’s name I pray.
Amen.