“Love doesn’t give you very many choices. When you love someone, you just want to be with them. If they break your heart, you will still love them. Because hearts are easy to break, and though love is tender and sometimes fragile, love isn’t.
Love sort of envelops you. It covers you like a giant shadow, then pulls you in like a blanket. You are so warm. The feeling surrounds you, and no matter how you feel, it is always there. You can’t escape it. But you wouldn’t want to. You are so, so safe. You can’t remember the last time you were this happy. Were you ever? This happy?
Every second you are apart feels like hours. Sometimes, right before you fall asleep, you miss them so much it hurts. You ache for them. Their warmth. Their touch. Their smell. You need them. When you can’t sleep you wish and wish and wish that they would wake up and talk to you. When you dream of them, you wake up smiling. When pain stabs into you, you reach out for them. You cry to them, begging them to hold you and make it all go away, make everything go away.
Love addicts you to its feeling. You never, ever want to lose that feeling. Sometimes the fear of losing love drives people to do crazy things. Like buy a plane ticket. Make a phone call. Run out of a class. Cry. Write. Laugh.
Because when you love someone, you really love them. You give them your whole heart. You trust them. You never want to be away from them. Sometimes, you don’t even need their words. You just need them there.
Love is such an amazing thing, and too many people take it for granted. If you’re in love, don’t let it go. Don’t you dare let it go.”
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—
This says it pretty well. I gave you my whole heart. I trust you. All because I love you—truly love you—not the pale imitation that Ian had or your father has for you…but the real thing—the kind of love where your happiness is paramount to mine.
Love endures—it doesn’t break very easily—not if it is real and true. I believe that is why you are still reading my words and my posts to you—because, deep in your heart, you love me like you have loved no one else in your life. I also believe it is because you love me that you had to push me away—because you were afraid that if I saw what you were doing because of your addictions that I wouldn’t love you any more. Well, you were wrong—I love you any ways—in spite of all the horrific lies and actions you have committed because of your addictions.
My love for you is why I have done all I have done these past sixteen months…it is why I have asked you to marry me…and why I am still here after all the shameful and demeaning things your addictions have made you do and all the lies you have told because of them. Love is eternal and I have loved you all of your life and will love you for the rest of your life.
If you can’t see the truth of this, it is only because your fears, your insecurities and your addictions don’t let you. Your fears and anxieties tell you that you aren’t worthy of being loved. Your fears and insecurities are what are giving your addictions the iron-clad grip they have over you. But, do not believe them. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are strong. You used to know this once, long ago. Most of all, you are very much loved.
Ask yourself, why would a man put himself through all that I have—and pay the price—financially, emotionally, socially—that I have to try and help someone who has been lying about him for the past sixteen months.
It is because he—the man that loves you—me—knows the truth of who you are. How could I not—I have known you all of your life. I have cared for you, trusted you, been trusted by you, and loved you all of your life. I have been your friend, your mentor, your protector and your confidante for years. Look in your heart and you know what I am saying is true…all of it—even the part about you being beautiful, smart, strong, and stubborn.
When you are ready and want to fight your addictions and walk the long road of recovery and come back to being the amazing woman that loves me—the woman that God intended you to be—ask me…and I will be there by your side as I have promised you so many times. I will be there to hold you, comfort you when you feel unsure, catch you when you stumble or fall, protect you when you feel scared or frightened, guide you when you get lost or confused—and most of all—love you more each and every day. This is my promise to you. This is the vow I have made and told your sister Bridget and your mother Sue about. It is my duty and my privilege. I am yours…my heart is yours.
God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.
May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.
I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.
I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.
I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.
Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.
All this in Jesus’s name I pray.