Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—
I do not know if you are still reading this blog. Last February, you said you were, and I am praying that you still do.
It has been sixteen months since you fell to your addictions. It has been sixteen months since you let Ian’s betrayal of you turn you into a drug-addicted alcoholic that would prostitute herself for the drugs and alcohol her addictions require. It has been sixteen months since you turned away from the man you said you love in two different languages—me—the man you spoke of children, marriage, love, and starting a future with.
I hope and pray that the amazing woman I love is still reading this blog. I hope she is still strong enough to read the truth of what her addictions have done to her—done to us.
- Look at what your addictions have made you do over the last sixteen months and ask yourself if that is really what you want for yourself.
- Look at your grades last year and ask yourself if you are proud of them.
- Think back upon your car accident in January and really think about what caused it—were you drunk or high? I think it is likely that you were based on your own words.
- Ask yourself why you pushed away someone you have known all your life—someone that has proven their loyalty, devotion and love for you over and over again?
- What is it about me loving you that scares you so much? Why can you not accept the love I give you—the love I have given you all your life?
- Ask yourself how much of your life—of the truth about you and I—have your addictions stolen from you?
- Ask yourself if you are willing to let your addictions destroy all that we have been and all that we could be together?
Are you willing to live the lies that your father has made you tell—the man that you said you hated because of how badly he had treated you when you were younger—the man who has emotionally abused you and your mother all of your life? Are you willing to sacrifice the future we have for the past he has caused?
I know you were considering marrying me. If you had not considered it, you would never have talked about all we did last June. If you didn’t want to marry me, you would have never asked to see the Claddagh ring I had bought for you. If you weren’t serious about it, you would have never told your mother Sue or your sister Bridget that I had asked you to marry me.
I know you love me. You have loved me for years, though your love for me, like that of mine for you, has grown and changed over those years. If you did not love me, you would never have learned how to say “Sarangheyo” or told me you did dozens of times day after day. You are far too honest to do that.
I never thought that the amazing woman I love—one of the bravest, smartest and strongest women I have ever met—would ever be a coward. I never thought that my beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would ever be afraid to admit the truth.
I can do no more for you other than to try and remind you what an amazing woman you are. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, you are beautiful, smart, strong and stubborn. You are funny, compassionate, gracious, devout, and honest. You make me laugh like no one else can.
Do you remember how much we laughed last summer when we were cleaning out your family’s pool. You really didn’t want to fall into the green slime and I kept telling you I’d catch you but reserved the right to laugh. Do you remember how I held your feet so you wouldn’t fall in to the slime? Or have your lies blocked out all the truth of all the years of friendship, love, devotion and caring that we have between us.
Do you remember how much we smiled when we were together? Do you remember all the times I would bring you iced coffee or cheesecakes just to see that amazing smile of yours? Do you smile like that any more? I don’t think so.
I want you to remind you that I have always been there for you. I promised you I would always be…and I have been. It wasn’t me that walked away—it was you—because your addictions forced you to. I never stopped caring about you, being your friend or loving you. That is all I know how to do when it comes to you.
We are far stronger and greater together than we could ever be apart.
I pray that God gives you the will to fight your addictions. I know the woman I love so much has the strength, the courage and the stubbornness to win that fight if she would only fight.
I pray that God grants you the serenity to accept the amazing person you are for the truth it is. I hope that God gives you the wisdom to see the truth—about your addictions, about what your addictions are costing you and about us and who we are to each other and how we feel about each other.
Ask yourself, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, why is it that we went from talking about having those Asians with freckles together, getting married, starting our future together, you asking to see the Claddagh ring I had bought you—to you not even speaking to me? Is it a coincidence that it happened on the day I confronted you about your drinking? I do not think so.
In fact, I KNOW it wasn’t you choosing to push me away or to lie about me, but your addictions making you do that. Your addictions know that I am the only person that could possibly give you the courage and the strength to defeat them. Your addictions know that I am the only one who cared enough to see what you were doing to yourself and loved you enough to try and get you the help you need.
Is it any wonder that I am also the only person that your addictions have made you push away in the sixteen months since they took over your life? I don’t think that is a coincidence.
I love you. I believe in you. I am here for you. If nothing else, I hope these words remind you of this and of what an amazing woman you are—strong, feisty, beautiful, stubborn, smart.
Love you always little one.
God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.
May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.
I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.
I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.
I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.
Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.
All this in Jesus’s name I pray.