There are three more posts on the Crying Out Now blog. Their titles are pretty revealing: Good Girl Gone Drunk; Young and Binge Drinking; and Reaching Out for Help.
Good Girl Gone Drunk is written by a 28-year-old mother who runs a successful daycare business out of her home. Her husband thinks she has a problem with alcohol because of the daily six-pack of beer she drinks almost every night. She says:
“I am a good person. I repeat this in my mind often, and aloud to my concerned husband. He sees my nightly pattern of drinking a 6 pack as a problem and has often – and politely – suggested it’s a problem. Last night he actually approached the subject less causally and I felt attacked.Embarrassed. He said something must be done, and he’ll do it himself if he has to.
But I am not an “alcoholic.” How could I be? I live day to day and get all my chores done and manage my household and my career. I send home children to happy parents who praise the job I am doing with their children. I work hard. Those kiddos are crazy all day long – I deserve that drink at 5:30. I earned it! I’m just having fun.”
I think Ellie thinks much the same… that she is just having fun and that she is a good person. A good person doesn’t lie about the man she loves or intentionally hurt him.
The author goes on to say:
“Alcoholism is apparent in my family. Maybe someone sees this as an avenue for sobriety. Learn from the others and don’t become them. I think,( well, I know if I’m being honest), I fear the loss of bonding time if I avoid alcohol. How will mom and dad feel about a visit from their daughter and family if they must feel awkward about alcohol consumption. Isn’t life a party we should all enjoy while we are visiting together?! I fear being shut out.
I will not go to AA. I live in a small town. I will be recognized. I have a history of depression and anxiety and it made it hard for me to get my child care license and I really don’t want to add alcoholism to my “rap sheet.” What can I do to get clean on my own? How do I stop drinking. Obviously not today, as I have already drank my liquid courage to even type this email. But tomorrow, I want to be a new me. How? I fear I can only go downhill from here without serious change!”
Until she is willing to admit she has a problem, and it is clear she is close to doing so, she can not get better. Her husband wants to help her, but until she decides to help herself, no one can do anything for her. She appears to have more self control about her drinking than Ellie does.
While Ellie appears to be able to not drink every day–as this past semester she seemed to confine her drinking and drug use to the weekend and holidays–she drinks much more heavily than this woman does when she does drink. Ellie doesn’t see anything wrong with drinking heavily for six to ten hours straight, often binge drinking from what I’ve read and heard.
Young and Binge Drinking is about a college student that is having problems with her best friend. Apparently, she passed out on her best friend’s birthday and her friend had to take care of her.
I don’t think that would happen with Ellie, since I doubt the person she calls her best friend, Chelsey, would take care of her. I think Chelsey would leave her where ever she passed out and get out of there. Chelsey is that kind of person from what I have seen.
Chelsey is the woman who pimped out Ellie to one of her high school classmates. When Chelsey’s friend Jarrod finally tired of Ellie, he dumped Ellie like trash and Chelsey didn’t care from what I’ve seen. That’s not the behavior of a friend, not by any definition I’d care to use.
Of course, since Ellie is still “friends” with Chelsey and some of Jarrod’s other friends, it is likely she really doesn’t have a clue about what kind of people they are. She has chosen her “friends” on the basis of whether they drink and do drugs rather than on the basis of whether they care for her, love her and support her. Most of them will likely abandon Ellie as soon as she gets into any sort of real trouble.
I think in many ways, the young woman who wrote Young and Binge Drinking is much like Ellie. She says:
“Most of all I need to know, if not how to address this situation, how to survive the day to day without every night wanting cry and frankly disappear.”
I believe that Ellie often feels that way. It is pretty evident to me that Ellie has serious problems with her self-esteem and self-worth. If she didn’t, why would she ever have been with someone like Jarrod–someone who was clearly using Ellie just for the sex and providing her the alcohol and drugs her addictions craved in return.
The most recent post, Reaching Out for Help, is one I hope happens soon for Ellie. Unfortunately, I do not think it will happen any time soon. Ellie is still in denial about her problems with alcohol and drugs. She still believes that she is fine and that her friends are really people who care about her. They aren’t. Her family isn’t helping the situation at all–but given that the two dominant members of her family are both alcoholics in denial, is that any wonder?
The woman in Reaching Out for Help writes:
“I had a terrible emotionally and physically abusive 8 year marriage that resulted in two beautiful daughters. I adore them but I don’t deserve them. I’m actually not convinced I deserve anything anymore. I snap at them when I am in a mood and lately that seems to be often.”
I see that happening to Ellie given the path she is currently on. She will likely marry someone very similar to her father, who has been emotionally abusive to his wife and Ellie for many years. She will likely accept that because of the role models she has had in her parents and sees that as “normal”.
She also will accept it because she doesn’t realize that she deserves better or that things should be better because of her negative self-image and self-doubts–the same anxieties and self-doubts that have driven her into self-medicating with drugs and alcohol for over the past year. She has snapped at people she cares about…she is well on her way to making this her future reality.
The author says:
“I have been divorced two years. My drinking got scary last year. I don’t know how I stayed out of jail, a wreck or worse…dead. Why doesn’t the thought of what that would do to my kids stop me??!!! “
But, Ellie’s drinking is already pretty scary in my opinion. The fact that she bragged about drinking champagne for 24 hours straight and got into a car accident in early January where it is very likely that she was drunk and/or high at the time, terrifies me.
What is worse is that Ellie doesn’t really have anyone that she cares enough about to stop drinking for except for me, and she has pushed me out of her life completely–probably because I am the one person she might have to face her addictions for and she isn’t willing to face them yet.
The author writes about her self-doubts and asks:
“Is there something wrong with me?
Am I good enough for this new guy?
Does he secretly hate that he picked me?
Do I look good enough?
Do I make enough money?”
I think that Ellie does much the same and has ever since Ian cheated on her. In the most recent photos I have seen of her she is unhealthily thin. She has lost far too much weight and I think she subconsciously realizes it because she seems to be wearing things that cover her neck and the protruding collarbone. She thinks that she is healthy because she is skinny and fit…but the illusion of health won’t last long.
Ellie has lost a lot of weight out of her face and that means that her body is likely catabolizing her muscle tissue because she isn’t getting proper nutrition. This is obviously complicated by the fact that she is a pescatarian and may not get enough protein to begin with, especially if she has cut back on eating because of the empty calories the alcohol has provided her.
I don’t believe Ellie will realize she has a problem with drugs and alcohol until she hits rock bottom. I fear she will need to end up in jail, the hospital or on the street before she realizes she is ill and seeks help. But, until Ellie realizes she has a problem with drugs and alcohol and seeks help for it, no one can help her.
What she has to realize is that she has a choice–she can stay the drug-addicted alcoholic that she has been since the end of last May or she can choose to fight her addictions and return to being the amazing, beautiful and lovable woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with and asked to marry me last June.
Regardless of what Ellie chooses to do with her life, her addictions and herself—I hope that she will remember that I love her. I truly hope Ellie realizes what her addictions are doing to her—that she chooses to fight them before they destroy her health, her body, her mind and her future. I hope she chooses to come back to the man she loves and that loves her, so we can start our future together.
May God watch over my beloved Ellie. God bless her and protect her, even from herself. May God grant her the strength, courage, and will to fight her illness and return to being her true self. May God grant her the wisdom to see the truth—both about her illness and about us.