Adrift at Sea —Dan’s blog on dankim.com

Ellie—

As I spend this time saying good bye to you—the only woman I have ever loved more than Gee—I wanted you to know some of the things I miss about you.

I miss:

• your laughter,
• your smile;
• the way your beautiful hair shines in the sunlight;
• the way your eyes change color with what you’re wearing and what kind of mood you are in;
• the way you deny you are ticklish;
• the way you squirm and then run when I do tickle you;
• they way you love it when I rub your feet;
• the freckles that cover you during the summer months;
• the pale beauty of your alabaster skin in winter;
• how you can hold your own against me when I tease you;
• how we would talk all through the night and not realize it until we saw the sunrise;
• walking late at night, holding hands, with you wearing the fleece cape I gave you;
• how you love to try and sneak a cheesecake without me knowing about it;
• the way you can be so sweet and caring;
• the taste of your skin;
• the smell of your hair;
• how beautiful you are when you’re asleep;
• the way you can get so stubborn about the tiniest things, like naming your car;
• walking through the mall with you when you’re in the mood to shop;
• some of the truly outrageous and provocative things you say to me;
• cooking for you and seeing the delight on your face when you know I’ve made something special just for you;
• and the way you fit into my arms perfectly when I walk up behind you and put my arms around your waist and rest my chin on your shoulder—just to be close to you and hold you.

I miss talking about our future together and just being with you. And I miss the amazing woman who thought all things were possible and had the most amazing dreams and goals that she shared with me—the woman who knew how beautiful and confident and strong she was. I miss her most of all.

There are so many more things I miss about you and about us, but these are some of the ones I wanted you to know about. Even as much as I love you—I have to say goodbye.

I hope you realize that I have kept all of my promises and vows to you. I have never broken faith or trust with you. I never stopped being your friend or caring about you. I never stopped loving you. You did all that—your addictions and insecurities made you lie about us; made you deny what we mean to each other; and forced you to push me away.

We had friendship, love and trust that was built up over almost 20 years, and it took both of us to build that relationship—to store up all the love, caring and devotion of nearly twenty years. Yet, only you were responsible for destroying it all.

I have been steadfast in my love, trust and friendship for you over the years—I was there for you when even your family and friends were not.

You gave all that up for marijuana and alcohol—to feed the addictions that your insecurities allowed to beat you—the addictions that have made you so much less than what you should be.

But, I can not—will not—stay and watch your addictions destroy you. I don’t even know if you have survived your addictions. From all that I can see you have fallen to them and are as lost to me as if you had died. Only your physical shell seems to remain—and your addictions are slowly destroying that as well.

Goodbye Ellie.

I love you more than any one else I’ve ever known—whether you realize that or not. I have loved you all of your life and always will. I just don’t believe you are there any more. As far as I can tell, all that is left is your physical shell—the woman I love seems to have succumbed to her addictions as surely as if she had died.

I have decided to move on as you—the woman that loves me—would want me to if you had died—just as Gee wanted me to do—because you both love me and want to see me happy.

I will continue to pray for you—because you used to be the woman I love most of all. I hope that my beloved Ellie is still in there—fighting to return to who God meant you to be. If she is, I will be there for my Ellie—the woman who adores Asians with freckles that our children would be and loves me.

If you ever remember what the years of love, caring and friendship really meant and really want me back in your life—you know where and how to find me. I have promised you—the woman I nicknamed Ellie so many years ago—that I would be there for you and if you truly reclaim yourself from your addictions and seek me out—I will keep that promise.

You will have to show that you are once again yourself—you will have to make amends for the lies and damage your addictions have caused; you will have to show me that you are as committed to me as I have been to you; and you will have to show me that you have made a place for me beside you in your life. These terms are non-negotiable if you want me back in your life. If you truly love me and want me in your life—it will be possible for you to do them.

While I would love to say it would be easy to do them, I won’t lie to you—you’ve made a pretty bad mess of things between us and it will take some hard work on your part to set them right. The woman I love so much is honest enough and smart enough to know how badly she has treated me and how much she has to do to make things right between us. She is also strong enough, honorable enough, courageous enough and gracious enough to make things right between us.

If you are having difficulty doing them but are trying—talk to me and let’s see what we can do. I simply love you that much. We have always been more together than we ever could be separately.

If you can not even try to make amends; show me that you are committed to me; or that you have made a place for me by your side—then I think that is clear proof that you are not the woman who loves me—and that you are not the one that I have promised to help.

Regardless of what you choose to do with your life, your addictions and yourself—I hope that you will remember that I love you. I really hope you do realize that it is a choice you have to make. You can remain the drug-addicted alcoholic you have been for the past year or you can become who God meant for you to be. No one can help you until you decide you want help and ask for it.

I truly hope you realize what your addictions are doing to you—that you choose to fight them before they destroy your health, your body, your mind and your future.

May God watch over my beloved Ellie. God bless her and protect her, even from herself. May God grant her the strength, courage, and will to fight her illness and return to being her true self. May God grant her the wisdom to see the truth—both about her illness and about us.