Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience, and two people willing to face any obstacle thrown their way.
It doesn’t matter whether the relationship is a friendship or something more—all relationships are hard work and require both people to be committed to working at the relationship. I’ve tried to tell her this so many times before.
I am committed to her and I thought she was committed to me at one point, before her addictions took over your life. If she wasn’t committed to me, why did she talk about adoring Asians with freckles and having children with me? Why did we spend a week talking about marriage, having children and starting a life together?
She should know how committed I am to the women I love—if not from what I have been through with her this past year, then with what I went through with Gee 11 years ago. She should be smart enough to know what that kind of commitment is worth and how rare it is.
I don’t think she will be able to invest the work and make the commitment it takes to really love someone until she starts to love herself enough to want to be more than the drug-addicted alcoholic that she has been for much of the last year. Until she puts herself ahead of alcohol and drugs, there is no chance that she will be able to love anyone or truly accept love from anyone—no matter how much they love her.
The most beautiful people I know are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen!
~ Elizabeth Kübler-Ross
I think that Ellie still has to go through this process to realize how beautiful she really is capable of being. She is not yet there, since she has not yet found her way out of the depths her addictions have taken her to. She still has much of her struggles, suffering, loss and defeats still ahead of her. I really do not know if she will make it.
Lies usually don’t end relationships. The truth usually does.
This is usually true when one person starts lying. All she has done since I confronted her about her drinking on June 29th is lie. But somehow, she has never lied to me directly.
I have never lied to her. I have only told her the truth about her illness—something that her family and friends won’t tell her.
Her father and brother are both alcoholics in denial and her mother and sister are terrified of her father—so no one is willing to tell her the truth but me. Most of her friends are part of her problem—they are the ones drinking and doing drugs with her.
Unless Ellie can finally face the truth—her fear of the truth is what will end the relationship we have had for most of her life. I have known her since she was born, and I have been her friend, her protector, her confidante and biggest supporter for most of her life. I have loved her, cared for her and protected her all of her life. She has been a part of my family all of her life—until she chose to leave.
It’s your road and yours alone… Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.
Some roads are much more difficult to walk than others…and the road to recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction is a very tough one. I’ve volunteered to accompany her on her long road to recovery, but she has to tell me that she wants me there with them. I know the road to recovery will be long and difficult and fraught with dangers she can’t imagine. As I have said before so many times, she does not need to walk that road alone.
If she just asks me to, I will walk the long road to recovery with her. I will catch her when she stumbles, pick her up when she falls, guide her when she is lost or confused, protect her when she is scared or feels threatened, give her strength when she feels like she can’t go on, and above all else, love her always.
Letting go doesn’t mean we don’t care. Letting go doesn’t mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It mean we stop trying to do the impossible—controlling that which we can not and instead, focus on what is possible which usually means taking care of ourselves. And we dot his in gentleness, kindness and love, as much as possible.
~ Melody Beattie
At some point I have learned that some people will remain in my heart forever, but not in my life. I think that Ellie is one of these people—as much I wish it was otherwise. The only thing harder than letting her go is moving on. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her—I still do.
I have known Ellie all her life–I have seen the worst that she is capable of, and in spite of it all, I still love her for being herself. I have trusted her with my secrets and dreams, and she has trusted me to keep her secrets and dreams. I do not think she is perfect, but I think she is perfect for me and I love Ellie perfectly.
I know Ellie loves me. I know she cares for me. I know she probably regrets the things her addictions and her father have made her do and say this summer. I know she has a lot to learn about herself and will need time and space to fully realize who she is. I am willing to give her the time and space she will need. I have always been there for her, and still am, in spite of all she has done this year.
This is all I can offer Ellie—to be the one who wipes her tears and holds her when she cries, listens to her doubts and reassures her, to always be there for her for better or worse, to cherish her and adore her, to love her more each and every day, and to love her always.
I am not perfect, I am not wealthy, and many people would think I am too old for Ellie, but I am completely and utterly devoted to her and love her and care for her like no other. Ellie has known me all her life. She should know from the 20 years that she has known me that I keep my commitments. I hope she knows I love her and am committed to her, as I have proven this past year. If that isn’t enough, then nothing ever will be.
I did not make the commitment I have to her lightly, and as I promised Ellie and her mother, I will be here for her. But, I can not help her until she begins to help herself. I am here—waiting for her to ask me for my help—but she must make her amends before I can help her.
If she makes her amends, shows me that she wants me back in her life and is committed to keeping me there and asks for my help—I will help her—as I have promised Ellie and her mother. I will not wait forever. It isn’t what Ellie, the woman who loves me, would want for me. If she has fallen to her addictions, I think she would want me to move on…and I am beginning to do so. The door on her is closing, and if she wants my help, she must ask me before that door closes.
I pray that she finally realizes that she is ill and seeks help. I hope that she returns to being who God meant her to be. I will continue to pray for my beautiful Irish rose Ellie, as I have been doing for most of the past year.
May God watch over my beloved Ellie. God bless her and protect her, even from herself. May God grant her the strength, courage, and will to fight her illness and return to being her true self. May God grant her the wisdom to see the truth—both about her illness and about us.
Be safe, get well, and most of all, try to remember how much I truly love you, Ellie.