It is the end of the semester. Her finals are starting this week. I don’t know how she has been doing this semester, but part of me prays that she has done well enough to keep her scholarship. Without the scholarship she can not afford to stay in the college that she has picked for herself. She picked the school partially because it is a Catholic college. That was something important to the devout Catholic woman I love.
Part of me hopes she bombs her classes and loses the scholarship because that may be the safest and fastest way for her to realize that she has a serious problem with drugs and alcohol. But, mostly, I pray for her to succeed because I love her.
I am worried. It was almost a year ago that her problems with alcohol and marijuana became full blown addictions from what I can tell. From her own words on various social networking websites, she didn’t really start doing drugs or drinking heavily until last May 29th. I believe it was her breakup with Ian, her first serious boyfriend who cheated on her, that caused her to spiral out of control.
I believe that her pride in her abilities as a good student and pride in being an intelligent and successful student kept her on track for the spring semester last year, but as soon as it ended, she lost control of her self-doubts and anxieties and has been self-medicating with drugs and alcohol.
I am truly worried that she will drink and abuse drugs as heavily this summer as she did last summer and fall. If that is the case, it is very likely that she will become a statistic–that she will be seriously injured or killed because she will be driving drunk or high or that she will be attacked while she is drunk or high. There is no one in her life that actually cares for her and is trying to help her, because I am no longer in her life by her own choice.
I truly hope she realizes that she has a problem with alcohol and drugs soon. Until she realizes this and asks for help, no one can help her. Until she learns to love herself enough to want better for herself than to be the drug-addicted alcoholic she has been for most of the past year, she can not really love anyone or accept anyone’s love for her.
I will continue to pray for the amazing Irish woman I love, as I have been doing for the past ten months.
“O most holy apostle, Saint Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honoureth and invoketh thee universally, as the patron of hopeless cases, and of things almost despaired of. Pray for me, who am so miserable. Make use, I implore thee, of that particular privilege accorded to thee, to bring visible and speedy help where help was almost despaired of. Come to mine assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolation and succor of Heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly that you watch over my beloved Ellie–and grant her the strength to seek help, and allow her to recover her good health and return to my side and that I may praise God with thee and all the elect throughout eternity. I promise thee, O blessed Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favour, to always honour thee as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to thee.
I think St. Jude is the appropriate Saint to hear my prayers for Ellie, for she truly is a lost cause as far as I can see. I do not know if anything of the amazing woman I love–the woman who told me she loves me and learned to say “Sarangheyo” to me last summer even exists. I do not know if Ellie has been lost to her addictions or whether she still survives, hidden beneath the horror of her addictions.
Ellie’s illness does not change how I feel about her, what she has come to mean to me or who she is, and I can not abandon the woman I love when she needs me most. This is as true for Ellie as it was for Gee 11 years ago, though her illness is a different one than Gee had. I also hope Ellie remembers that I love her warts and all, for no reason other than she is Ellie.
I hope Ellie and her family know that regardless of what happens between Ellie and me, I will always be there for her, as I have been all of her life. Right now, my primary concern is that Ellie get the help she needs and stop traveling on her current path to self-destruction. Anything else is secondary to that goal.
May God watch over my beloved Ellie. God bless her and protect her, even from herself. May God grant her the strength, courage, and will to fight her illness and return to being her true self. May God grant her the wisdom to see the truth—both about her illness and about us.