It’s not going to be easy

Posted on Thursday 26 April 2012

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me… everyday.”

–Nicholas Sparks

This is something very similar to what I told Ellie years ago about relationships both in person and in e-mail. At the time, I was talking about our friendship and how she was not keeping up with her part of it. It is still true today. This is an e-mail she wrote me in reply to that e-mail. It was written a few years ago…after I sent her one pointing out how she had been acting..


first of all, im typing this to you with a sliced finger in a splint, so please excuse any typos. random things like that always pop up…long story made short i was in the ER tonight, but its all good now, and i realize that me being busy, or having accidents, or schoolwork or whatever is NO EXCUSE for the way ive been treating (neglecting) you, among my other friends.

im seeing now how irresponsible and immature im acting, but it really sort of took your email to punch a wakeup call into my realm ofunderstanding. ive been rationalizing about being too preoccupied with school, college searches, my two jobs, and my health that ive distanced myself from the people that matter the most to me, my friends. i entirely agree in that friends are our chosen family, and to sacrifice them with my warped rationalizing is idiotic and absurd. i should have/should learn to just explain why i cant be in such close contact and stop being so nervous about others becoming upset with me. maybe that would have prevented you getting so angry at my brother and me 🙁

i definitly still want to be friends Danny! please please pleeease never think otherwise despite what my actions have been saying. sorry im a shitzophrenic mess but im really just tryimg to sort thigs out. please understand.

can we hangout sometime this vacation? catch up? i think i owe that to you

I don’t even know if she remembers writing this e-mail, but it pretty clearly belies what she has been saying since last July.

All relationships, whether they are friendships or something more, require hard work on the part of both people. Right now, Ellie isn’t capable of doing any work because of her addictions. The only things she seems to care about are her next buzz or next high. I hope this changes soon, before she destroys her future, her health and all her hopes, goals and dreams.

I believed her when she wrote this. Just like I believed her when she told me “I love you” and “Sarangheyo” last summer. She is not someone that would say those things unless she meant them. It isn’t too late for her yet. But, she has to act soon. I also believe that the only reason she has pushed me away and told the lies she has is because she does love me. This is pretty common for alcoholics and drug addicts to do to the people they love, and I am the only one she has pushed away since she fell to her addictions.

After all, she did say:

i definitly still want to be friends Danny! please please pleeease never think otherwise despite what my actions have been saying.

I never have believed or thought otherwise…even despite what her actions since this past July have said. Deep inside, I believe she loves me and still wants to be friends with me, but can’t because of her addictions. These are her words, not mine. This is what she said before the drugs and alcohol took over her life. I have an incredible amount of faith in the woman that loves me–the woman I love.

May God watch over my beloved Ellie. God bless her and protect her, even from herself. May God grant her the strength, courage, and will to fight her illness and return to being her true self. May God grant her the wisdom to see the truth—both about her illness and about us.

1 Comment for 'It’s not going to be easy'

    April 26, 2012 | 9:46 am

    Little one–

    If you live long enough, you will have regrets. The ones that will nag at you the most are the ones where you knew had a choice-the ones where you knew you could have stopped yourself-the ones where you looked into the mirror and everything good inside you said don’t do this…

    All of the past eleven months, you have had a choice: a choice to do drugs or not; a choice to drink or not; a choice to study or not; and a choice to lie or not. I think you have chosen poorly for most of it. You can make some of it right by choosing to tell the truth and making amends. But, only you can choose to do that.

    Drinking and doing drugs won’t really make your life better or improve how you feel about yourself. It just hides how you feel from yourself temporarily and gives you even more reasons to hide and be ashamed.

    Lying to everyone about us doesn’t change the truth and gives you more to be ashamed about and forces one of the people who you love most away-someone who loves you more than anyone else ever has. You wanted to have those Asians with freckles for children or you wouldn’t have talked about them or told me how much you adore them.

    Choosing not to study like you did all last semester only hurt you. I hope you’ve at least fixed that this semester.

    Do what you know is right in your heart.

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