Today is Easter Sunday. In the Christian faith, it is a day of celebration, for Jesus Christ was resurrected from death on this day. The season of Lent is one of prayer, penance, death and resurrection. It is a season of hope, renewal and faith. Even though Easter holds some sad memories for me, I still have hope and faith and celebrate the season of Lent.
Friedrich Nietzsche, the German philosopher once said,
“Love is not consolation. It is light.”
It is my hope that my love for Ellie will be the light that guides her out of the darkness she has become lost in. I hope that her knowing that I love her will act as her guiding star when she finally realizes that she has lost her way and wants to come back home. In many ways, this season of Lent, I have been praying for Ellie to make her penance and be resurrected from her addictions, which have surely destroyed the woman I love as much as death could have.
I doubt this will happen, but I have a lot of faith in the amazing, beautiful, strong, smart and stubborn woman I love. While I can’t be sure that she even still exists, I know that if she does, she will eventually come to her senses and fight her addictions and try to find her true self once again. One reason I have such faith in her is because I know she is one of the smartest, stubbornest, strongest and beautiful women I have ever met. I just can not believe that her addictions could truly destroy her–that some part of her must survive beneath her addictions–still fighting to return to who she really is.
I hope that with time, experience and the maturity that comes with age, she will eventually realize that what I have said was not to hurt her, but because I love her and care about her. I hope she will eventually realize that all I have done I have done out of my deep and abiding love for her. I hope that she will see that I am the only one who cared enough about her this past summer to see what she was doing to herself—the only one who cared enough to risk everything to try and get her the help I believe part of her was crying out for. I am the only one who loved her enough to try to get her to see what she was doing to herself.
I hope that she will learn to love herself enough to realize that she deserves better than to be the drug-addicted alcoholic she has been for the past nine months. Until she learns this, she will never be able to truly love anyone, or really accept anyone’s love for her. I hope that she will finally realize she deserves someone who loves her as I do–rather than someone who would cheat on her as Ian did or use her and dispose of her the way Jarrod did. I hope that she will finally understand that the way her father treats her mother and her is not right, nor is it the way it should be.
God be with her, my beloved Ellie. I do not know if any part of Ellie still survives her addictions. I will pray for her still. I hope that she finds the strength, the courage, the will and the love for herself that she will need to fight her addictions and become who I believe God truly meant her to be. I mourn and grieve for her loss–her death and destruction at the hands of her addictions.
May God watch over my beloved Ellie. God bless her and protect her, even from herself. May God grant her the strength, courage, and will to fight her addictions and return to being her true self. May God grant her the wisdom to see the truth—both about her illness and about us.