On this most holy of weekends, between the day Christ was crucified and the day he was resurrected, I have been thinking about God’s Will and God’s Grace a lot.
A beautiful woman I know and love, whose birthday is today, once said:
“God’s Will will never take you where God’s Grace can not protect you.”
What she has clearly forgotten is that God gave human beings free will, and that if we choose to ignore God’s Will, we can go many places that God’s Grace can not reach us. I do not think that she really understand that whatever path she has chosen for herself is really her choice and the result of her decisions and actions alone.
I seriously doubt that the path she is currently on is God’s Will or has anything to do with God. I doubt that God ever intended for anyone to become a drug-addicted alcoholic. I doubt that God ever wanted anyone to lie about a person they love or to treat the people she loves so horrifically–as she has been doing for the past nine months.
I don’t know whether she realizes that she is a drug addict or an alcoholic. Currently, I doubt it. But, if by any chance she is reading this blog still, I would ask her to seriously consider why she would go from accepting virtual hugs and kisses from someone to telling them to “lose her number and fuck off” in the matter of less then four hours on a day they never even spoke or saw each other.
I would ask her why she thinks she would throw away years of friendship, love, devotion and caring in an afternoon. The only thing of significance that happened on that afternoon was that I confronted her about her drinking via e-mail and text messages. Nothing else. If she was not an alcoholic, why did my confronting her cause such a huge issue–and why hasn’t she spoken to me in over nine months.
She might also want to consider that in the seven days prior to that, she had been talking with me about what she wanted to name our children–the Asians with freckles that she says she adores. The names she had in mind were Kelley and Cadence, and she said they would work for either boys or girls. She had also talked about things like religion, and was surprised when I told her I was converting to the Catholic faith as part of my wanting to marry her. We talked about holding off on the wedding until she finished college.
We talked about the claddagh ring I had bought her, and how, after we got married, it would be held in reserve for our daughter. We talked about the custom platinum and diamond claddagh ring I was working designing with a jeweler as her wedding band. She might want to ask herself, if she didn’t love me, why did she tell me she did in two languages–English and Korean. Why would she learn how to say “Sarangheyo” to me if she didn’t mean it? She should ask herself, why did she ask to see the claddagh ring, if she wasn’t considering accepting it? Given the subjects that we had talked about–everything that had to do with our starting a life together–subjects that she brought up, I think it is pretty clear that she was at least considering my proposal to her.
She might also want to ask herself, if she really didn’t/doesn’t love me or care about me, why does she still read my blog and what I’ve been writing? Why does it matter to her? Why does she still seem to take my advice?
She might want to also consider that of all the people she knows, the only one that she has pushed away since she became an active alcoholic and drug-addict is me. Why is that–given that it is common for addicts and alcoholics to push away the people they love–why am I the only one?
She might also want to ask herself, if she really believes the lies that she has been telling since I confronted her about her drinking, why has she never told me them to my face? Why does she refuse to speak to me, instead of confronting me about the “evil things” she says I have done? Is it because she knows they are truly lies and that deep inside, she feels that as long as she has not lied to me to my face, she can still tell herself that she hasn’t lied to me?
I think that some part of her is horrified by what she has done. Ellie was one of the most honest people I have ever known, and that is one reason I love her as much as I do. I think that her basic intrinsic honesty prevents her from lying to my face, because I am one of the few people she truly cares about and she can not lie to me because of that basic integral honesty, no matter what her addictions may make her do.
As I tried to tell her mother, when she asked me for documentation of Ellie’s illness, all of the actions and changes in Ellie’s behavior only seem to really make any sense if two premises are true:
The first premise is that Ellie is an alcoholic and a drug addict. There is a strong case for alcoholism being heritable, and given her family’s histories, it is very likely that Ellie has that genetic vulnerability. Also, the fact that her father and brother are both alcoholics increases the chances of her being one as well.
The second premise is that she loves me and cares about me. If she didn’t care about me, why would she push me away as she has. If she didn’t care about me, why does what I say or think still matter to her.
I have to wonder why she hasn’t cut all contact with Ian, her ex-boyfriend, the one who cheated on her at the beginning of 2011, and is most likely one of the major reasons she has spiraled into addiction the way she has over the past nine months. It doesn’t make much sense to me that she’d still be friends with him on her social media networks, but has cut me, the person she was talking about having children with, out of her life completely because I actually cared enough about her to see what she was doing and show my concern for the woman that loves me.
I doubt that it is coincidence that her insecurities and self-doubts flared up and caused her to start self-medicating with alcohol and marijuana at the end of the semester where she was hurt so badly by him. I think her pride in being a smart person and a good student and her need to excel academically, something she has done all her life, let her finish out the semester but she fell apart almost as soon as it was over.
Her drinking and drug use was almost non-existent prior to the end of last May. She spiraled out of control last summer and fall, and even though she was only taking four relatively easy courses last semester, she failed to make Dean’s List, as I warned her mother and her would happen. Contrast that with her previous academic year, where she was taking five courses, rather than four, and she easily made Dean’s List with a GPA of 3.634.
I think my warnings about her academic problems and how the almost nightly bouts of getting high or drunk were affecting her ability to do well academically are something she has taken to heart and cut back on her drinking and drug use, though not stopping it. I also believe she changed her course selection for this semester based on my warning her that her original choices of Accounting, Macro-economics, Micro-economics and Statistics would be a nightmare, and impossible for her to handle, especially given her previous semester’s performance and her drinking and drug use.
I know that if she lost her scholarship, which is the only way she can afford to go to the college of her choice, she would be wounded deeply. This is especially true, given how she has commented on her brother having to go to a state school after flunking out of his college of choice. I doubt that he would be forgiving and kind to her, considering some of what she has said, if she were to have to follow in his path that way.
I hope that with time, experience and the maturity that comes with age, she will eventually realize that what I have said was not to hurt her, but because I love her and care about her. I am the only one who cared enough about her this past summer to see what she was doing to herself. I am the only one who cared enough to risk everything to try and get her the help I believe part of her was crying out for. I am the only one who loved her enough to try to get her to see what she was doing to herself.
I hope that she will learn to love herself enough to realize that she deserves better than to be the drug-addicted alcoholic she has been for the past nine months. I hope that she will realize that she deserves someone who loves her as I do–rather than someone who would cheat on her as Ian did or use her the way Jarrod did. I hope that she will finally understand that the way her father treats her mother and her is not right nor is it the way it should be.
God be with her, my beloved Ellie. I do not know if any part of Ellie still survives her addictions. I will pray for her still. I hope that she finds the strength, the courage, the will and the love for herself that she will need to fight her addictions and become who I believe God truly meant her to be. I still believe she is the one that Gee asked me to seek out just before her death over a decade ago. I am mourning and grieving for her loss–her death and destruction at the hands of her addictions.
May God watch over my beloved Ellie. God bless her and protect her, even from herself. May God grant her the strength, courage, and will to fight her addictions and return to being her true self. May God grant her the wisdom to see the truth—both about her illness and about us.