On the Crying Out Now blog, there is a post that I fear will repeat itself with someone I love. The post starts with the following words:
“Like most people, I’m not really sure where or why my life started to fall apart and alcohol started to take over my life.
What I do know is that it did and it was a spiral that took over every ounce of my soul. Every day is a battle and prayers to the God of my understanding are continuous in an effort to relieve me of the bondage of self because sometimes, often times, life and all of my problems are simply to big for me.
I am the daughter of an alcoholic Father and a Mother who just struggled to keep the family together and assemble some sort of peace in the chaos of my Father’s drinking and all of the trauma that went along with it.”
I see this as where Ellie might end up ten to fifteen years from now—though it might take even longer. I don’t think she really understands what she is doing to herself or where it can lead. The words above describe her and her current situation fairly well—except she will probably realize when and where the alcohol and drugs started to take over her life—because I have been telling her for nearly nine months now.
Her family is clearly in denial of her illness, even though it is pretty clear that she, her brother and father are all alcoholics. I wish that weren’t the case, but it is. I find it incredible to believe that her mother is so terrified of her father that she can’t admit that Ellie could have the same illness her husband and son both clearly have. I hope Ellie finally realizes that no one can help her until she admits she has a problem with drugs and alcohol and seeks help herself—only then, can anyone help her.
Over the past nine months, I have done everything I could possibly do for her to try and get the help I believe she was crying out for all last summer and fall. No one else was even paying enough attention to Ellie to see what was going on. Now, I am done with her—if she wants to let her addictions destroy her health, her mind and her future, that is her choice.
No one can help her unless she wants help—and it is pretty clear that, right now, she doesn’t want help. Until Ellie learns to love herself and wants better for herself than to be the drug-addicted, alcoholic shadow of who God meant her to be, she will keep doing the self-destructive things that she has been doing since last June. I pray for her every day, and I hope that she finally opens her eyes to the truth before she injures or kills herself or someone else because of what her addictions are making her do.
I fear she will really have to hit rock bottom before she realizes she has a problem. That may take years, and she will lose any real chance at achieving most of the hopes, dreams and goals she told me about over our years of friendship. It will probably require her to end up in jail, in the hospital or living on the street before she understands what her addictions are doing to her.
If that is the case, I won’t be here to help her—as I will have moved on as the woman who loves me would want me to do. I doubt that the woman that said “Sarangheyo” to me last June would expect me to stay—especially given how she has changed and how horribly she has treated me. I know Ellie loved me or she would not have told me in two different languages so many times last June.
The author of the post I quoted above concludes by saying:
“This journey has taught me about the person that I want to be.
In this process I can’t lose who I am…it’s like my sponsor told me, being an alcoholic is only part of who you are. The hardest part of sobriety is cleaning up the wreckage of my past.
I continue trying to mend relationships with those that I have hurt, trying to get more time with the one thing that I love most in life (my daughter), figuring out my future, recovering from financial ruin, and figuring out who I am but without a God of my understanding, my sponsor, wonderful friends and family, and my AA family, I wouldn’t be here to tell my story.”
Ellie has left a lot of wreckage behind so far…and I don’t want to think of how much more she will create in the ten-to-fifteen years it may take her to come to grips with her illness. She was a devout Catholic, but she seems to have abandoned her faith for her addictions—even as I have adopted that faith out of my love for her. I sincerely doubt that being a drug-addicted alcoholic was God’s plan for her.
I know who Ellie wanted to be…or at least I used to know. We shared our dreams, our hopes and our future goals with each other for many years. We were very close friends and we loved, cared for and trusted each other. I have no idea who the drug-addicted alcoholic that is currently occupying her body is—nor do I want to know her or care to know her.
The truth of who we were to each other is clearly visible in the photos of us—which belie what she has been saying since I confronted her about her drinking last summer. She has never denied what I have said on this blog, and I am pretty sure she reads it, even now.
As far as I know, Ellie has never lied to me directly—instead she refuses to even speak to me. At her core, I think she is still one of the most honest people I have ever known—even if her addictions and her father have made her lie about so much for the past nine months. I believe she refuses to lie to me directly because, deep inside her heart, she knows I am one of the only people that truly loves her and that she loves. One day, she may even remember this or allow herself to admit it.
I do not see a happy ending for Ellie unless she learns to love herself and finds people who love her and care enough about her to want to help her, as I do. Her family and most of her current friends are part of the problem. I doubt that her family will be able to help her—alcoholics in denial are not able to help anyone and her mother is too terrified to do anything but let her self-destruct.
Her current friends will likely abandon her if she gets into any serious trouble. They have no real commitment to her, nor do they really care about her in any meaningful way—if they did, they wouldn’t be helping her destroy herself the way they have been. From what I saw, her friend Chelsey, for all intents and purposes, pimped her out to Jarrod and did not care that Jarrod dumped her like trash as soon as he tired of her. Most of her other friends are little better—caring for nothing but their next buzz or high.
May God watch over my beloved Ellie. God bless her and protect her, even from herself. May God grant her the strength, courage, and will to fight her illness and return to being her true self. May God grant her the wisdom to see the truth—both about her illness and about us.