Archive for December, 2011

Happy New Year’s Eve 2011

Happy New Year’s Eve to all my friends and family. This is the last day of the year and I, for one, am very happy to see 2011 end. I hope the New Year brings all of you success, health and happiness. I hope that 2012 will be a better year for many of us. […]

Post & Riposte Part Two

A few more posts of Ellie’s with my replies to end this horrific year. It amazes me that someone as smart and strong as Ellie would fall prey to her own insecurities and self-doubts for so long. It amazes me that she can’t see what she has so clearly been doing to herself for the […]

Inner Beauty & Inner Demons

Ellie has always been one of the most beautiful people I’ve known…at least the adult Ellie anyways. She was a cute child, but not very beautiful, mainly because she was such a terror. My favorite photos of her are the ones like these two: rather than the more recent ones, like these two: While she […]

Why I Stay

There are reasons each of us is born. We have to find those reasons. After Gee died I wondered why I was still here. I knew who I was and what I was supposed to be doing when Gee was alive. I was her husband and my place was beside her. After she died, I […]


( Misc. )

In a recent post, she posted a photo of herself, trying to boast about what a great body she had. I have to agree–she does have a beautiful body. However, her body isn’t the reason I love her so much. I have cared for and loved Ellie all of her life in some manner. I […]


Just recently, Ellie posted: Never done so much accounting in my life… next semester is going to be a challenge..stats econ accounting macro… I don’t think she even realizes how difficult those classes are going to be for her. Given how much trouble she was having this semester with classes that are relatively far simpler […]

Post & Riposte

Here are some recent posts of Ellie’s and my responses to them, as well as some other posts and responses that I wanted Ellie to read. She can’t see the responses I wrote, because the account I wrote them with is locked down and she doesn’t have permission to read what I post there. But […]

Six Months

We are happiest when planning our futures, letting our optimism and imagination run unrestrained. Unfortunately, the universe does not always heed such plans. The quote comes from a book I am currently reading. It is very true. It is hard to believe that just six months ago, Ellie and I were talking about our future […]

The Weather Goddess

A little over ten-and-a-half years ago, Gee came home for the last time. It was Thursday, June 7th, 2001. She had been released from the hospital, where she had been since May 28th, Memorial Day, for home hospice care. As I carried her into the house, what she said to me was bittersweet. She said, […]

Identity Theft

I recently saw an ad on TV for a company that says they can protect you from “identity theft”. Identity, by definition, can not be stolen. Identity can be defined as: the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another. While someone can pretend to be you…they can not actually be you. Granted, if […]

A Holiday Survival Guide

Holidays, present a difficult situation for many recovering alcoholics, since the parties of the season often involve alcoholic beverages, and one may not want it known that they are a recovering alcoholic. The Crying out Now blog provides a pretty good list of tips for those trying to maintain their sobriety during this time of […]

Dear Santa

Dear Santa, I’ve been a very good boy this year. I have a very simple request for Christmas–can I just have Ellie please? I know she’s not perfect, but I do love her warts and all. I think she’s beautiful, smart and funny. I know she’s the one I was told to look for 10 […]

Christmas Wishes and Hopes

I am wishing all of my friends and family a Merry Christmas and hope the New Year brings them all success, health and happiness. I also have some simple wishes and hopes for this Christmas season. First, I wish that Ellie, the beautiful, smart, funny, tough, feisty, and stubborn woman I love realizes she has […]

Crying Out Now

It is strange what you can find on Google. I found this article by doing a search on a whim for “recovery”, “love”, “addiction” and “Ellie”. I wish Ellie would read this article. While I don’t believe her father has ever beaten her mother, he is very emotionally abusive towards Ellie’s mother. I guess that […]

One Reason I Stay

One reason I stay is that when I am with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—my beloved Ellie, time flows slowly past—dim and diffuse as the pre-dawn light through early morning fog over the harbor—warmth and her love pour into me—a balm that heals the wounds I have borne for many years. When I am with her I […]

420 and HFAs

Recently, I posted a photo of that Ellie had been using as her profile photo on one of the social networking websites. The photo, seen below, is of her standing near a wall with the number 420 painted on it. The location is clearly Fenway Park, a Boston landmark that is located near her college. […]

Not as it seems

One thing my friend Carrie has pointed out is that she sees how one-sided my relationship with Ellie appears to be. However, everything is not as it seems. Much of what Carrie has read about Ellie is what her addiction to drugs and alcohol has made her do. They were written after Ellie fell ill, […]

Another Year

This month marks another year that has passed by. This particular time of year is among the most difficult for me for many reasons. This year it has been the most difficult of my life thus far in many ways, and this year–2011–is one that I will be very happy to see end…for 2012 must […]

One More Day

When I first heard One More Day, I was driving Gee’s little Saturn, and nearly drove off the road because of the tears that made seeing the road almost impossible. It sums up what I felt after she died better than any words I could express myself. This is one of my favorite songs…I believe […]