When I said….

Posted on Friday 11 November 2011

My beloved Ellie

My beloved Ellie

Since I can not tell you myself, I am writing this post and hoping that the message here eventually makes its way to you somehow.

When I said I love you, I meant forever and a day, because forever isn’t long enough.
When I said I love you, I meant warts and all, just because you’re you.
When I said I wanted you the be last woman I ever asked to marry me, it’s because I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
When I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I meant starting now and ending when the stars collide.

It is said that 11-11-11 is a lucky day. So I am casting this prayer and wish out to the universe, and hoping that both you and God hear me.

I pray for you every day. I pray that you hit rock bottom quickly and as safely as possible so that you finally realize you have an illness, and that illnesses can be treated. I pray that you remember the truth about what we have been to each other–the years of devotion, love and friendship between us; and all that we talked about the last week I was with you. I hope you finally realize that you’re not being true to yourself or your dreams and come back to being who you really are. I hope you find the strength and courage to face your demons, and to ask for the help you need to get better. I hope you once again become the amazing woman who said she loved me and that I love. And finally, I pray that you come back to me soon, so that we can start the life together that we had discussed so long ago this past summer.

I fear that you will never realize what you have done this past year, both to yourself and to me. I fear that you will never get better. I fear that you will destroy yourself before you hit rock bottom–ruining your future, injuring yourself or others. I fear that you won’t realize what a strong, intelligent and beautiful woman you are and let your insecurities destroy you. I fear that you’ll begin to believe the lies you’ve told all summer.

Last of all, I wish and pray that if you should not find the courage and strength to fight your demons, and you continue down the path of addiction and slavery to drugs and alcohol that you have been on this year, that God grants you a peaceful and merciful end. There are so many possible bad endings for you on the road you’re currently on. I do not wish to see you suffer or become something you will end up despising and loathing. I only want the best for you–and always have, but if you can not beat your addictions, a merciful end is the best I can ask for.

This past summer, when I came to see you, I just wanted to give you a hug as I have often done in the past and hold you until you realized that there is at least one person that loves you warts and all, unconditionally and just because you are you. I wanted to hold you until you had the strength to face your demons and ask for help fighting them. I wanted to hold you so you would finally realize that you were never and would never again be alone.

I know the road to recovery will be long and difficult and fraught with dangers you can’t imagine. As I have said before so many times, you do not need to walk that road alone. If you just ask me to, I will walk it with you. I will catch you when you stumble, pick you up when you fall, guide you when you are lost or confused, protect you when you are scared or feel threatened, give you strength when you feel like you can’t go on, and above all else, love you always. I did not make the commitment I have to you lightly, and as I promised you and your mother, I will be here for you. But, I can not help you until you begin to help yourself. I am here, waiting for you to ask me for my help, but you must make your amends before I can help you.

I have known you all your life–I have seen the worst that you are capable of, and in spite of it all, I still love you for being yourself. I have trusted you with my secrets and dreams, and you have trusted me to keep your secrets and dreams. I do not think you are perfect, but I think you are perfect for me and I love you perfectly. I know you love me. I know you care for me. I know you regret the things your addictions and your father have made you do and say this summer. I know you have a lot to learn about yourself and will need time and space to fully realize who you are. I am willing to give you the time and space you will need. I have always been there for you, and still am, in spite of all you have done this year.

This is all I can offer you… to be the one who wipes your tears and holds you when you cry, listens to your doubts and reassures you, to always be there for you for better or worse, to cherish you and adore you, to love you more each and every day, and to love you always. I am not perfect, I am not wealthy, and many people would think I am too old for you, but I am completely and utterly devoted to you and love you and care for you like no other. You have known me all your life. You know that I keep my commitments. You know I love you and am committed to you, as I have proven this summer. If that isn’t enough, then nothing ever will be. Be safe, get well, and most of all, try to remember how much I truly love you.

4 Comments for 'When I said….'

    November 11, 2011 | 2:32 pm

    I think that part of the problem is that until Ellie is basically mostly healthy and whole, she won’t be capable of understanding, accepting or giving love or having a real relationship with anything but her addiction and its demands. Until she learns to love herself, she won’t understand or be able to accept the fact that I love her. IMHO, right now, her insecurities don’t allow her to believe or accept that I love her warts and all and always have.

    November 18, 2011 | 7:00 am

    RT @GirlPosts: Sometimes, all a girl wants is for you to fight for her. Make her believe that you may want this relationship more than she does.

    That’s what I’ve been doing…and I probably do want this relationship more than her…but there are times when I am beginning to believe Ellie just isn’t worth it. She’s an alcoholic and a drug addict and all she is capable of loving is her addictions at the moment. Until she is mostly healthy, she isn’t going to be capable of love–either giving it or receiving it. And she won’t get healthy until she admits she has a problem and then asks for or seeks out the help she needs. I can’t help her until she starts to help herself, and I just don’t see her doing that anytime soon. There are times when I am not even sure that the amazing woman I love even exists any longer–she may have become a victim of her addictions…

    November 24, 2011 | 11:50 am

    […] horrific things she has done or whether she recognizes the truth of it or not. Earlier this year, when I said I love her and when she told me she loved me in two different languages, I made a commitment to her […]

    October 22, 2012 | 11:22 pm

    […] this year, WHEN I SAID I love her and when she told me she loved me in two different languages, I made a commitment to her […]

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