Someone I am good friends with asked me why I dread hauling s/v Pretty Gee this year. It has to do with the events this past summer and Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.
Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, as I have said previously, is my querencia and mo chuisle mo chroi. Respectively, they translate as “home of my heart” and “the pulse of my heart”. I love her more than I love Gee, the amazing and gracious woman I married 11 years ago.
How much and how deeply losing her to her addictions has hurt me is not something most people seem to be able to understand, because they don’t seem to have any idea of what she means to me or how much I love her. I think a big part of the problem is that most people have very different concepts and definitions of what “love” is than I do.
But they weren’t there when we were talking about sharing our lives and spending the rest of our lives together, or when she told me she loves me…both in Korean and English. Many of them don’t even believe she loves me–yet there is no reason for her to have pushed me away or for her to have lied unless she loves me.
Being aboard the boat is the closest thing I have to being home, at least until Lauren Elizabeth Kelley gets better. It is the only place I have that I can rest and recover from all the damage that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s illness and resulting behavior has caused and is continuing to cause.
I am certain Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is the woman Gee asked me to find 10 years ago. I am as certain of this as I was of the fact that I was going to marry Gee. I am hoping and praying that Ellie hits rock bottom quickly—before she does permanent damage to herself, her future or anyone else—including me. I hope she gets the help she needs to get better quickly.
Many people don’t approve of my commitment and relationship with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. Well, I would tell them that a relationship with someone so much younger than me isn’t what I would have wanted and isn’t what I would have asked for, but it is what it is. As I read in a book earlier this summer:
“We love who we love…and the unwise love may be the truest love. To love someone because is easy, as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. To love someone despite. To know their flaws and love them despite their flaws, is something that is pure and rare and perfect.”
I love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley despite her illness and other flaws—despite all the pain and damage she has caused this year. She isn’t perfect, but I love her perfectly. I believe in keeping my commitments and am loyal to those I love…and I love her more than and have loved her for longer than anyone else I have ever known.
I promised her that I would be there for her….and plan on keeping that commitment. It would be so much easier, simpler and less painful if I didn’t love her as I do—if I could walk away from her and ignore the commitments that I have made to her and her family. But I can not do that and still be me.
God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.
May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.
I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.
I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.
I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.
Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.
All this in Jesus’s name I pray.