Tomorrow, I will give Ellie’s mother all the documentation I have about why I believe that Ellie is ill and needs help. I hope that the reasoning and conclusions that I came up with as well as all the evidence that I have, in Ellie’s own words, from my conversations with her, and from my observations of her behavior and how it has changed, will be enough to convince both of her parents.
Thanks to some advice from my older and wiser friends, I have decided that one thing I can do for myself, and to help make sure that I will be here for Ellie and her family if they should need me, is to start attending Al-Anon meetings. My first one is this week.
I am also going to attend a church for the first time in over ten years. However, it is not the same church I was at when I was with Gee. As I promised Ellie, I will be attending a Catholic church, both for spiritual guidance in dealing with her illness and to convert to that religion as she and I had discussed.
I also believe that I need to pray for Ellie and ask that she be returned to good health and to my side. The prayer I have decided is appropriate is one to St. Jude.
“O most holy apostle, Saint Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honoureth and invoketh thee universally, as the patron of hopeless cases, and of things almost despaired of. Pray for me, who am so miserable. Make use, I implore thee, of that particular privilege accorded to thee, to bring visible and speedy help where help was almost despaired of. Come to mine assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolation and succor of Heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly that you watch over my beloved Ellie–and grant her the strength to seek help, and allow her to recover her good health and return to my side and that I may praise God with thee and all the elect throughout eternity. I promise thee, O blessed Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favour, to always honour thee as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to thee.
Unless her parents ask for my help, there really is nothing more I can do for the woman I love. I have done all that is currently possible for me to do, so I am walking away for the moment. This is not to say I am abandoning Ellie, because I am not capable of that, but that I am walking away until either she or her parents ask for me to come back. It was her decision to cut me off from her life, and when and if she decides that was the wrong thing to do and asks me to return, I will. I will also come back if her parents ask me to try and reach out to their beautiful daughter and try to get her to help herself.
Ellie’s illness does not change how I feel about her, what she has come to mean to me or who she is, and I can not abandon the woman I love when she needs me most. This is as true for Ellie as it was for Gee 11 years ago, though her illness is a different one than Gee had. I also hope Ellie remembers that I love her warts and all, for no reason other than she is Ellie.
I hope Ellie and her family know that regardless of what happens between Ellie and me, I will always be there for her, as I have been all of her life. Right now, my primary concern is that Ellie get the help she needs and stop traveling on her current path to self-destruction. Anything else is secondary to that goal.
My commitment to Ellie is as strong as the one I made to Gee 12 years ago, and my love for Ellie is stronger still. I know the road to recovery that Ellie faces is long, and will be difficult and fraught with peril. However, she does not have to travel it alone, as I will stand beside her and protect her and care for her as I have done her whole life if she but should ask me.