I’m lying on the foredeck of my friend’s sailboat, thinking about and missing Ellie. When she was younger, she used to love sleeping on the foredeck of S/V Pretty Gee. She also used to curl up under the dodger, above the S/V Pretty Gee’s companionway. Right now, she appears to be missing in action and all I can see is her addiction.
I’ve been thinking about all that Ellie and I could have shared and what might have been. I am in mourning for the wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, funny, unselfish and mature young woman I love so very much. I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with Ellie, and still hope to if she should return.
Even though I hate what she has been doing, she is someone I love and am friends with, even if she is not willing to recognize that friendship or honor it. I care about her as a friend and always have, and probably always will, even in spite all of the hurt and pain she has caused me with her lies and actions this past month. I know these actions and lies are not Ellie, but her addiction’s actions and lies.
I have known Ellie and her two siblings all their lives. I have been their life-long friend, protector, confidante and mentor. Their parents have trusted me to advise, teach and guide them all of their lives. I love and care for all three of them, but Ellie especially.
Ellie, the woman I love has been consumed by her addiction and the person I am dealing with is not the woman I love.
Ellie is someone very special to me. She has said she loves me and I believe her. She is a person I love and adore in all the ways possible. She is one of my closest friends and the person I want to share the rest of my life with. I believe she is the one that Gee asked me to look for ten years ago, just before she died.
Ellie is the person I love to bring iced coffees to in the morning…the one who hoards the cheesecakes I bring her as treasure to be savored…the woman I taught to drive…and helped with her first car….the one I have talked long into the night with…and trusted with my secrets and my life like no one else.
I finally understand that her current actions and behavior are those of her disease and not of herself.
Ellie–If you’re still there, know that I love you and trust you. I know you love me, since you would not have told me otherwise. I hope you will return to me, sooner than later, so we can start our life together. I would also beg your forgiveness for anything that your addiction makes happen–it is not my intent to hurt you, but I fear that you may become hurt because of your current actions.