Missing Ellie

Posted on Tuesday 26 July 2011

I’m lying on the foredeck of my friend’s sailboat, thinking about and missing Ellie. When she was younger, she used to love sleeping on the foredeck of S/V Pretty Gee. She also used to curl up under the dodger, above the S/V Pretty Gee’s companionway.  Right now, she appears to be missing in action and all I can see is her addiction.

I’ve been thinking about all that Ellie and I could have shared and what might have been. I am in mourning for the wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, funny, unselfish and mature young woman I love so very much. I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with Ellie, and still hope to if she should return.

Even though I hate what she has been doing, she is someone I love and am friends with, even if she is not willing to recognize that friendship or honor it. I care about her as a friend and always have, and probably always will, even in spite all of the hurt and pain she has caused me with her lies and actions this past month. I know these actions and lies are not Ellie, but her addiction’s actions and lies.

I have known Ellie and her two siblings all their lives. I have been their life-long friend, protector, confidante and mentor. Their parents have trusted me to advise, teach and guide them all of their lives. I love and care for all three of them, but Ellie especially.

Ellie, the woman I love has been consumed by her addiction and the person I am dealing with is not the woman I love.

Ellie is someone very special to me. She has said she loves me and I believe her. She is a person I love and adore in all the ways possible. She is one of my closest friends and the person I want to share the rest of my life with. I believe she is the one that Gee asked me to look for ten years ago, just before she died.

Ellie is the person I love to bring iced coffees to in the morning…the one who hoards the cheesecakes I bring her as treasure to be savored…the woman I taught to drive…and helped with her first car….the one I have talked long into the night with…and trusted with my secrets and my life like no one else.

I finally understand that her current actions and behavior are those of her disease and not of herself.

Ellie–If you’re still there, know that I love you and trust you. I know you love me, since you would not have told me otherwise. I hope you will return to me, sooner than later, so we can start our life together. I would also beg your forgiveness for anything that your addiction makes happen–it is not my intent to hurt you, but I fear that you may become hurt because of your current actions.

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