Grief and love are funny things. Losing someone you love so completely is something some people handle it well, and others not so well. I guess I probably fall in to the not-so-well end of the spectrum.
Not quite seven years ago I first spoke to the woman I was destined to marry. I knew I was going to marry Gee the first time I heard her voice. A little over five years ago, I had to say good bye to the beautiful, graceful and amazing woman I married. She had finally lost her fight with cancer.
Even though Gee was diagnosed with cancer while we were engaged, getting married was never in doubt. Not at least to me, or to her. In fact, when her father asked me if I wanted to cancel our engagement, a short time after her diagnosis, I remember telling him, “Gee having cancer doesn’t change who she is, what she has come to mean to me, or how I feel about her—and why would I abandon the woman I love just when she needs me most.”
Two-and-a-half years ago, I met Yoon. She was the first woman I had met, since Gee died, that I found I cared about. Eventually, I realized I loved Yoon enough to want to spend my life with her. I just recently got an e-mail from her. She wanted to apologize, and wanted to say that she was beginning to understand how difficult Gee’s illness and death had been for me, my friends, and my family. She returned to Korea in October 2004, not long after her birthday, and two weeks after the day we were supposed to get married.
Many of my friends are angry with her, for the way she behaved, and for what she had put me through. Some of them would say that she wasn’t worthy of shining Gee’s shoes. The recent e-mail from her has given me hope that she will one day be the strong, smart and beautiful woman I see her to be—rather than the person she was when she left. I still hope she becomes who I see her being.
Meeting Yoon was an an amazing thing for me. I never really thought that I would care about someone the way I did for Yoon—especially after losing Gee. The short time I did spend with her helped heal some of the scars that were left from Gee’s illness and death. I will always be grateful for the time we had together.
I never saw Yoon as Gee’s replacement—even though she often felt that she had to compete with Gee. I never mistook one for the other, or confused them in any way. Yes, Yoon and Gee had some very strong similarities, in some ways. Both were Korean. Both were very musically inclined—Gee through her love of all music, and Yoon as a musician herself. Both were artists—Gee with her watercolors, and Yoon with her oils and sculpture. The two are the most beautiful and stubborn women I’ve ever known.
But the two were very different in many ways as well. Yoon was an accomplished cook—Gee’s culinary skills were a bit lacking. Gee had faced some very bad things in her life—something Yoon had yet to do. Gee was confident in the love we shared—she never had any doubts about what we had together. Yoon always felt like she was competing with Gee—I don’t think she ever realized how much I love her for who she is. Gee had finally come to peace with who she was—was comfortable in being herself. Yoon was always unsure of herself and what she could do—she still had yet to develop the self-confidence in herself that Gee had finally found.
I don’t talk about Yoon much on my blog, much for the same reasons I didn’t talk about Gee much on my website initially. I still grieve for the loss of Yoon in my life, and what could have been. I hope one day, that Yoon finds someone that she loves the way I love her. And I hope that he—whoever he may be—loves her back the same way. I also hope Yoon continues to grow into the woman I see her to be in my heart.
If you were to ask me who I miss more—Gee or Yoon—I wouldn’t be able to answer you. They hold very different places in my heart and my life. I miss Gee for what we had together and lost. I miss Yoon for what could have been.
To Yoon—wherever you may be—know that I wish you well, think of you often, and miss you. Also know that you are someone I love very much.
This is a beautiful post – thank you so much for sharing with us. As far as I am concerned, you deal with it very well. You do not rail, or attempt to belittle what you have lost. You do not relegate it to the back of your mind and try and ignore what it meant to you. You embrace it and accept it for the wonderful thing it was and still is. You give it the space it deserves in your life.