Adrift at Sea —Dan’s blog on dankim.com

There are reasons each of us is born. We have to find those reasons.

After Gee died I wondered why I was still here. I knew who I was and what I was supposed to be doing when Gee was alive. I was her husband and my place was beside her. After she died, I was lost–adrift at sea–which is where this blog gets its name.

This past summer, I realized why I was still here and what I am supposed to be doing. Prior to June 22, 2011, I didn’t realize it, but I was waiting to fulfill my last promise to Gee–to find the woman she asked me to seek out after she died. Everything I have seen tells me that Ellie is the one she asked me to find a decade ago, when she begged me not to close my heart to the world after she was gone. I do not think it is coincidence that Ellie’s first thoughts after I asked her to marry me were all of Gee, my late wife.

There is no love without sacrifice.

This is something that I know. I have learned this lesson painfully many times over during my life. I do not believe that Ellie realizes it yet. Love doesn’t mean that things are going to be easy or perfect. Even if you love someone perfectly, there will be many times that you will have to make a sacrifice because you love them.

There are a lot of people who look at what has happened over the last six months and ask me why I stay. They think I should leave her to her illness and find someone else. I can’t do that, at least not right now. I have a commitment to the amazing woman that loves me. I won’t abandon her just because she is ill. This is one of the sacrifices I make because I love Ellie. There are many reasons why I stay here, waiting for Ellie to ask me for my help. Here are some of them.

Ellie beautiful smile during a late night game of Scrabble down at the Cape.

The fact is that I love Ellie because of her intelligence, her feisty temper, her stubborn spirit, her sense of humor, and her gentle kindness and compassion. I love her for the grace she has shown in the past. I love Ellie for her smile and her laugh. I love Ellie for her heart. I love Ellie for what a beautiful person she is, especially when she is healthy. I love Ellie because I have seen how much she has grown as a person–physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually–over the years. Most of all, I love Ellie because she is Ellie, unconditionally and for no better reason. She is a beautiful woman, and there are countless other reasons I love her, but these are the most important of them.

The selfish, self-centered and narcissistic brat that she once was–that her family nicknamed “THE BITCH”–has grown into an amazingly gracious, compassionate and generous woman. She had the maturity and wisdom to consider how my late wife–a woman who had died ten years earlier–might feel about us getting married–my getting re-married. “Would Gee be angry or mad at either of us?” was her first question–her first concern–when I asked her to marry me on June 22nd.

Her second thought was that she wished she had met Gee. While I do not know why she wished this, I do think it is because she and I have talked about Gee at great length over the years. Her third thought was that she regretted never having had the chance to meet Gee. That is something that I think many people who have heard about what kind of person my late wife was have also felt.

The last thing she said that morning at breakfast was a simple declaration, “I love you”. I can not see how anyone could interpret this as anything but a clear statement about how she felt–that her feelings were much the same as mine. These are some of the reasons I am so certain that she is the one Gee asked me to look for ten years ago. She showed a remarkable level of compassion, maturity and consideration, especially given her age.

Over the course of the following week, she and I talked about many things that had to do with a possible future together. She told me that she adored Asians with freckles–which our children would most likely be. She told me what names she wanted for the first two children–Kelley and Cadence–which would work for either boys or girls. We talked about and decided that getting married would have to wait until when she had graduated from college at a minimum. We talked about religion, and she was surprised to hear that I was planning on converting to Catholicism as part of marrying her. But, then again, I have known her all her life and know how important her religion is to her, and I felt that if I wanted to share my life with her, it was one thing I must do.

These were only some of the things we talked about. During the course of this one week, she told me again she loved me, repeatedly, in two different languages. She had learned how to say “I love you” in Korean so she could tell me “Sarangheyo”. We explored all the possibilities of being together as more than friends, and considered how things would change. I do not believe she would have said she loved me, much less in two different languages, unless she truly felt about me the way I do her.

We also spent a lot of time doing the mundane little things that needed to be done. We took her sister shopping for clothes, where I ended up being a walking clothes rack and purse holder. We ran out to Home Depot to buy the paint so she could finally re-paint her bedroom. I finished fixing the clothes dryer so she didn’t have to run to the laundromat. We cleaned out the pool, so she could use it for the rest of the summer. We talked about converting the porch into a sunroom for her parents’ upcoming anniversary. Ellie was hoping if it we made it a nice sunroom they would install a hot tub.

Finally, on June 28th, she asked to see the ring I had bought for her. It is a gold claddagh ring, the traditional Irish engagement ring. I told her that I had gotten it for her and it would be her engagement ring. She and I decided that once we got married, it would be held for our future daughter. I told her about the custom platinum claddagh ring I was working on designing, which would be her wedding ring. The ring is designed around a heart-shaped diamond, which is her birthstone.

Given the subjects she and I had discussed, the fact that she wanted to see the claddagh ring, and the number of times she told me she loved me in two different languages, it was pretty clear that she was at least considering my proposal. In many ways, this was a far more mature approach to answering my proposal than I had expected. I had originally expected her to either say yes or no… but for her to tell me she loved me and then spend a week exploring these subjects–the core of our future together–was very surprising and impressive. It showed a level of maturity, consideration and foresight that I had not expected in someone as young as Ellie. This is why I have the commitment to her that I do. It was pretty clear that she was thinking of saying yes to my proposal, before her illness consumed her.

I never got the chance to show Ellie the ring I bought her, which is sitting here waiting for her. The reason she never got to see the ring is because on June 29th, I sent her several messages in response to her posting that she was planning on going down to the Cape house to go drinking. I did not know at the time that she was an alcoholic and drug addict. She went from accepting my virtual hugs and kisses via text message, to telling me to “fuck off and lose her number” in less than four hours, where we didn’t talk or see each other. We haven’t spoken since that day. That day was also the day she started telling lies to her family and friends to isolate me from her.

I believe the reason she pushed me away as hard and viciously as she did was because she does love me, and is embarrassed at what her addictions have made her say and do. I believe, that like many addicts and alcoholics, she has pushed me away because she doesn’t want me to see what her addictions have made her say or do–especially knowing how much I loathe drunken drivers, and she has been driving drunk during much of the past seven months. I’d point out that if she didn’t love me, she would really have no reason to push me away.

I would also point out that Ellie has never lied to me. She has never told me the lies that she told her family and friends, and I only discovered them by asking her family and friends what she had said. I believe that Ellie loves me too much to lie to me. I also believe that she has avoided talking to me because she needs to avoid lying to me because she can tell herself that as long as she hasn’t lied to me, she has not betrayed the trust and love between us. As far as I know, Ellie has never lied to me, even if she has lied about me. I think she is basically too honest a person to lie to the person she loves.

I am certain if I had not confronted her about her drinking she would have accepted the claddagh ring I had bought for her and my proposal. Her illness doesn’t change who she is, how I have come to feel about her or what she means to me. I won’t abandon the woman I love just when she needs me most, even if she doesn’t recognize that need yet. I won’t let the actions of her illness destroy the future we discussed or the beautiful woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. This is why I am so committed to Ellie, my beloved. I know she loves me.

I miss my Ellie. I miss watching her sleep when I arrive to wake her up for the day. I miss watching her wake up. I miss seeing her amazing smile appear when she sees that I’ve spoiled her rotten-bringing her iced coffee, cheesecakes or other gifts. I miss walking up to her and wrapping my arms around her in a hug and resting my chin on her shoulder. I miss how perfectly she fits in my arms when I hold her. I miss our late night talks and even later night Scrabble games. I miss going to the movies with her. I miss seeing how excited she gets when she makes plans for us to do something. I miss hearing her laugh. I miss counting her freckles. I miss seeing the dimples in her cheeks when she smiles or laughs. I miss her beautiful feet with the crooked toes and giving her foot massages. I miss cooking for her–breakfasts are her favorite meal. I miss seeing that ear-to-ear mischievous Chesire Cat like smile when she’s planning to do something. I miss the scent of her hair. I miss so much about her, about us.

I hope and pray each day that she will realize that she has an illness and that it can be treated. I hope and pray each day that she doesn’t get injured or killed doing something stupid because of her addictions, like driving drunk or high as likely has been the case for much of the past seven months. I ask my guardian angels to watch over and protect the amazing woman I love from harm, but I doubt they can protect her from her own inner demons. I hope and pray each day that she finds the strength and courage to make her amends and ask me for help in getting better.

I hope and pray each day that she asks me to walk beside her on her long road to recovery–to guide her when she gets lost or confused; to support her when she stumbles or falls; to carry her when her strength fails her; to protect her when she is scared or feels threatened; and to love her–more each and every day. This is what I have done for most of her life, especially the last six years, when her parents abandoned their duties to her. This is what I promised her parents I would do for her six years ago, when they encouraged me to be her close friend and adviser. This is what I promised her I would do for her as her friend years ago. This is what I promised her and her mother this summer, when I realized Ellie was ill and was the woman I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. This is my duty to my friend, my responsibility to the woman I love, and a part of my life long commitment to the amazing woman I have cared for and loved for nearly 20 years. I pray that she realizes this and knows that I love her, care for her and am waiting to help her.

One reason I stay is that when I am with Ellie, time flows slowly past—dim and diffuse as the pre-dawn light through early morning fog over the harbor—warmth and her love pour into me—a balm that heals the wounds I have borne for many years. When I am with her I realize how lonely and empty my life has been without her. She is my home, mi querencia, mo chuisle mo chroi and so much more. This has been the case for some time now, even though I did not realize it until this past summer.

One of my favorite photos of Ellie, the woman I love.

This is one reason why I abide by my commitment to her—why I am so steadfast to someone whose illness has caused me such pain and hurt for the past five-and-a-half months. I know she loves me and that it is her illness that has caused the pain and suffering I have seen and that her illness is the reason for the self-destructive behavior I have witnessed. I can not hold the actions caused by her illness against her—in reality, she has not done this by her choice, but was driven to do so by her illness. This is why I forgive her for what her addictions have made her do.

I have cared for her and loved her for nearly 20 years—her whole life—in some fashion. I will not—can not—let the actions her illness has caused destroy the relationship of love, devotion, trust and caring we have shared over so many years. I know she loves me, and believe that her love for me is one reason she has pushed me away as she has.

To be here for her when she asks for help in getting better is my duty, my responsibility, and part of my life-long commitment to the woman I love and care so much about. It isn’t easy, nor did I expect it to be…but it is what is right and what is necessary for me to do.

Ellie and Jesus, in New Bedford. Taken one evening when we were out playing pool and getting pizza.

Ellie, this pretty much says it all…

Girl says: I can’t promise you perfection,
Cause that is not who I am.
I can’t promise you forever,
Cause I don’t hold fate within my hands.
I can’t promise you the sunshine,
Because I know there will be rain.
I can’t promise you complete happiness,
Cause with true love, there comes pain.
I can’t promise to always smile,
Cause life always has a way to make me cry.
I can’t promise to always stand strong,
Cause it’s never easy to want to give life another try.

Guy says: I know you’re not perfection.
To me, you’re so much more.
I know we may not have forever,
So I treasure every moment with you,
In case another one isn’t in store.
Yes, I’d like the sunshine.
But I’ll stand with you through the rain.
Your happiness is my happiness.
So I’ll do whatever I can to ease your pain.
When I first saw you smile, I fell in love at once.
and even deeper I fell, the first time I saw you cry.
It was at that moment I realized,
I wanted to protect you.
and always be the one to wipe the tears from your eyes.
I know that life is difficult,
and has given you more than your fair share of pain and lies,
But that’s why I’ll be your strength when yours falls broken…
and give you my wings to fly.

I swiped this off of a facebook page because I thought of you when I read it. I have loved you all your life in some form. I have been there for you all your life, and cared for you all your life. I’m not going anywhere anytime soon if I can help it. I promised you I’d be here, and I am. I love you. Get well soon beloved, so we can start our life together as we talked about back in June.

My beloved Ellie

Since I can not tell you myself, I am writing this post and hoping that the message here eventually makes its way to you somehow.

When I said I love you, I meant forever and a day, because forever isn’t long enough.
When I said I love you, I meant warts and all, just because you’re you.
When I said I wanted you the be last woman I ever asked to marry me, it’s because I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
When I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I meant starting now and ending when the stars collide.

It is said that 11-11-11 is a lucky day. So I am casting this prayer and wish out to the universe, and hoping that both you and God hear me.

I pray for you every day. I pray that you hit rock bottom quickly and as safely as possible so that you finally realize you have an illness, and that illnesses can be treated. I pray that you remember the truth about what we have been to each other–the years of devotion, love and friendship between us; and all that we talked about the last week I was with you. I hope you finally realize that you’re not being true to yourself or your dreams and come back to being who you really are. I hope you find the strength and courage to face your demons, and to ask for the help you need to get better. I hope you once again become the amazing woman who said she loved me and that I love. And finally, I pray that you come back to me soon, so that we can start the life together that we had discussed so long ago this past summer.

I fear that you will never realize what you have done this past year, both to yourself and to me. I fear that you will never get better. I fear that you will destroy yourself before you hit rock bottom–ruining your future, injuring yourself or others. I fear that you won’t realize what a strong, intelligent and beautiful woman you are and let your insecurities destroy you. I fear that you’ll begin to believe the lies you’ve told all summer.

Last of all, I wish and pray that if you should not find the courage and strength to fight your demons, and you continue down the path of addiction and slavery to drugs and alcohol that you have been on this year, that God grants you a peaceful and merciful end. There are so many possible bad endings for you on the road you’re currently on. I do not wish to see you suffer or become something you will end up despising and loathing. I only want the best for you–and always have, but if you can not beat your addictions, a merciful end is the best I can ask for.

This past summer, when I came to see you, I just wanted to give you a hug as I have often done in the past and hold you until you realized that there is at least one person that loves you warts and all, unconditionally and just because you are you. I wanted to hold you until you had the strength to face your demons and ask for help fighting them. I wanted to hold you so you would finally realize that you were never and would never again be alone.

I know the road to recovery will be long and difficult and fraught with dangers you can’t imagine. As I have said before so many times, you do not need to walk that road alone. If you just ask me to, I will walk it with you. I will catch you when you stumble, pick you up when you fall, guide you when you are lost or confused, protect you when you are scared or feel threatened, give you strength when you feel like you can’t go on, and above all else, love you always. I did not make the commitment I have to you lightly, and as I promised you and your mother, I will be here for you. But, I can not help you until you begin to help yourself. I am here, waiting for you to ask me for my help, but you must make your amends before I can help you.

I have known you all your life–I have seen the worst that you are capable of, and in spite of it all, I still love you for being yourself. I have trusted you with my secrets and dreams, and you have trusted me to keep your secrets and dreams. I do not think you are perfect, but I think you are perfect for me and I love you perfectly. I know you love me. I know you care for me. I know you regret the things your addictions and your father have made you do and say this summer. I know you have a lot to learn about yourself and will need time and space to fully realize who you are. I am willing to give you the time and space you will need. I have always been there for you, and still am, in spite of all you have done this year.

This is all I can offer you… to be the one who wipes your tears and holds you when you cry, listens to your doubts and reassures you, to always be there for you for better or worse, to cherish you and adore you, to love you more each and every day, and to love you always. I am not perfect, I am not wealthy, and many people would think I am too old for you, but I am completely and utterly devoted to you and love you and care for you like no other. You have known me all your life. You know that I keep my commitments. You know I love you and am committed to you, as I have proven this summer. If that isn’t enough, then nothing ever will be. Be safe, get well, and most of all, try to remember how much I truly love you.

I will show you fear in a handful of dust

—The Waste Land, T.S. Eliot

I don’t think that most people actually fear death, I think we fear that no one will notice our absence—that we will disappear without a trace. Ellie need never fear this, because she will always be missed by me. Though she still lives, in many ways, the woman I love appears to have passed on as surely as if her body had died. I would not call being a slave to the drugs and alcohol that she is addicted to living in any real sense.

In many ways, death is so much harder for those left behind, than it is for the person who dies. Gee knew this. Just before she died, Gee said she was sorry that the complications from her cancer were killing her. She apologized because she thought she would not be able to keep the promise she had made me the day we got engaged. I think this is why the Japanese have a saying:

Death is lighter than a feather, duty is heavier than a mountain.

Because, for those left behind, carrying on without their loved one is far more difficult than dying—yet it is what the ones they have lost would want for the people they loved.

I know this is true for Gee, as it is for my twin David and for Shelley, the first woman I ever lost. However, it is hard to say what Ellie wants. Unlike Gee, David, and Shelley—Ellie is not dead. She may still survive, buried somewhere under the layers of lies and addiction that have seemingly consumed her.

Part of me thinks that Ellie would want me to wait for her and be here to help her as I have promised. But I don’t even know if the Ellie I love even still exists. It certainly seems that she has fallen a victim of her illness—since I have seen no real sign of the smart, strong, confident, beautiful and stubborn Irish woman I love.

I still see glimpses of what might be the woman I love—but they are so fleeting it is hard to say whether they are really her or not. Little things—like collaging her jewelry box lid, buying fuzzy slippers with jingle bells on them, stopping for geese to cross the road and such—are tiny glimpses of the woman I love, but I do not know if they are real or just echoes of who the drug-addicted alcoholic used to be. These glimpses have gotten rarer and farther between as time has passed and I haven’t seen any in the most recent months. Like echoes, they are fading as they get farther from the woman I love.

Yet, I know she loves me and would not want me to stay if she is gone. She would want me to move on and get on with my life. If she has been lost to her addictions, as appears to be the case, she would not want me to waste time on the drug-addicted alcoholic wretch that is all that is left of her. She would not want me to see what her addictions have reduced her to—to see how far she has fallen from the strong, incredibly beautiful and confident woman I love.

I have been grieving for my beloved Ellie for a week now. It is still hard for me to accept that such a strong, stubborn and intelligent woman could have fallen to alcoholism and drug addiction as seems to be the case. It is hard for me to believe that my beautiful feisty-tempered, strong-willed Irish lass has let her addictions destroy who she is, destroy her health, and ruin her chance at the hopes and dreams she had told me about.

Part of me still hopes that she is as strong, smart and stubborn as I believe her to be—that somewhere beneath her lies and her addictions, she is still there—fighting to overcome her illness; fighting to once again become the amazing woman who loves me; fighting to save the bright future she had last spring.

I am moving on as I must, because I can not stay and watch Ellie’s addictions destroy everything I love about her. I know it is what Ellie would have wanted for me—because she loves me. However, Ellie knows where to find me if she wants me back in her life—if she wants my help in beating her addictions. If she proves herself by making amends for the lies she has told, and seeks me out and shows me that she wants me in her life—and has made a place for me beside her, I will return to help her as I have promised.

Even though it appears that Ellie has succumbed to her addictions, I am still as devoted and committed to her as I have ever been. If she ever shows me that she still exists and asks me for my help—I will help her fight her addictions and walk beside her on her long road to recovery. This is what I have promised the woman I love. This is my duty and responsibility to the woman that said “Sarangheyo” to me last June.

I was looking forward to spending this Valentine’s Day with Ellie. It would have been our first together as a couple, rather than as friends. But, I doubt that will ever happen now. I am still certain that Ellie is the woman Gee asked me to look for 11 years ago. I think it was not coincidence that Ellie’s first thoughts when I asked her to marry me were of my late wife Gee. The fact that I love Ellie more than I love Gee also says much about who Ellie is to me. I do not know why things have been so difficult for us, but I hope and pray for Ellie to become healthy again and to remember who we really are to each other. I trust that God has a reason for the trials he has put Ellie and me through.

May God be with Ellie and watch over her for me. I hope that God grants her the strength, courage and will to fight her addictions. I pray that God brings my beloved back to where she belongs—by my side.

Update: Ellie has locked her social media accounts, so that confirms it. The woman I love is truly gone. If any part of her were still there fighting, she would have left that line of communication open, but it seems that she has finally succumbed to her addictions as I suspected. Goodbye my beloved, I miss you.

Ellie has gone silent in so many ways. I do not know why, but she has basically stopped posting for the most part—only posting five times in seven days, rather than five times a day, which was more the norm for her. If she thinks that she is getting better by not writing about what she is doing, she is mistaken. I seriously doubt that her silence means that has stopped her drinking or her drug use—just that she has stopped writing about it. If she truly wanted to get better, she would ask for help. I do not believe she has asked anyone for help.

In so many ways, her sudden silence is a confirmation that she is still doing what she has been doing for the past eight months. I can only hope she has finally realized how destructive the things her addictions have been making her do really are. I hope that she finally understands why I can’t stand by and watch what she is doing to herself any longer. Maybe she is finally embarrassed at what her addictions have made her do and what she has become.

Just because she has stopped posting about what her addictions have been making her do does not mean that she is no longer an addict—just that she is no longer honest enough to admit what she is doing to the world. Only by telling the truth—by facing the truth—can she ever hope to get better. The only real path to healing and recovery starts with admitting she has a problem and asking for help.

Unfortunately, there is a strong social stigma to alcoholism and drug addiction, just as there is with many of the mental illnesses that are often the underlying causes of drug addiction and alcoholism. This stigma is often stronger for women in this society than it is for men. There is the idea that boys will be boys which tolerates and explains such behavior in young men…but there is no such equivalent for young women.

In her brother’s case, the underlying cause was clearly his chronic depression. Once he began treatment for the chronic depression, his problems with alcohol and drugs stopped almost completely. In some ways this is good—he has managed to get back to college and keep a job finally. However, he has never admitted to having a problem with drugs and alcohol and probably does not believe that he has one, since his addictions are currently under control. This will probably come back to haunt him later—since he isn’t taking any steps to prevent a relapse into addiction. If his depression ever becomes uncontrolled or the treatment he is currently using fails, it is very likely that drugs and alcohol will take over his life once again.

Her new silence is just confirmation that nothing is left of the amazing woman I love. I believe she was keeping lines of communication open to me so that she could ask for help if she needed to. It appears that she isn’t even capable of that any longer. It confirms my decision to walk away as being the right one. If anything were left of the amazing woman I love, she would have sought me out—asked me to help her. She has not. If she honestly believed that I would abandon her, she really doesn’t understand how I feel about her or what she has come to mean to me.

Silence is denial. Silence is keeping things buried and in the dark—hidden from the light of discovery. There is no need for the truth to be silent—it can stand being examined in the light. Lies require silence. Denial requires silence. It is far easier to say nothing than it is to admit the truth—especially when one is an addict or mentally ill. It has always been far easier to stay silent than it has been to admit the truth. This is especially the case when the truth is ugly and harsh.

If Ellie truly wanted to get better, then admitting the truth of what she has been doing is only the first step. Admitting that she is an alcoholic and a drug addict is a necessity for her to get better. There is a reason that the first step in most of the twelve step recovery programs, like Alcoholics Anonymous is:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

In many ways, I think her denial of her illness is one major reason she pushed me away. I was the only one who cared enough about her to tell her the truth, and she did not want to hear it. Of course, admitting the truth is the first step in fixing almost any problem—whether it is drug addiction, alcoholism, cancer, depression, faulty brakes on a car, bad wiring in a house, failing grades in school. If you can not admit what the problem is—then you can not ever begin to correct it.

Ignoring a problem will often have serious negative consequences in the long run—drug addiction and alcoholism are progressive diseases that destroy one’s brain, mind and body; cancer left untreated often becomes untreatable and kills, as does depression; faulty brakes on a car will put lives at risk; bad wiring in a house can lead to deadly fires; failing grades can lead to losing a scholarship and having to drop out of school.

The sooner one breaks the silence and admits the truth, the sooner one can get help and often the more likely it is that the problem will be easier to fix. This is especially true of progressive diseases like alcoholism, drug addiction and cancer—the longer they go untreated, the deeper the damage they do goes and the less likely it is that a recovery is possible.

Ellie is the woman I love. I trust her and know that she will do what is right if she can. I am leaving her to make her mistakes and to learn to make her own decisions, even if the consequences of those decisions may cost her. I must trust her and have faith in her. As much as I want to protect her, I can not. Her addictions are something that she must handle and choose what to do herself. No one can help her until she wants to help herself.

Ellie—I wish you were strong enough, brave enough, smart enough, and stubborn enough to fight your addictions. I always believed you were. I have faith in the woman I love—I know you are smart enough, strong enough, brave enough and stubborn enough to beat your addictions if you only wanted to. But, as far as I can see, you didn’t survive what the last eight months of being a drug-addicted alcoholic have done to you.

As I have said before—I have loved you in some form for all of your life. I will always love you. I just can’t stand to see what your illness has done to you—how it is destroying everything I love about you and making you so much less than you should be. There is a window for you to get help before you destroy your chances at the bright future you had last spring—before you lose your scholarship—before you ruin your health—before you lose yourself. The window is closing though, and I do not believe that you will be able to do anything to help yourself unless you start getting help soon—in many ways I think it may already be too late. Once that window closes, I will be gone—there will be nothing left for me here.

One reason I decided I have to walk away is that I can not tell if the things I have done are helping you or allowing you to stay in denial about being an addict and alcoholic longer. I can no longer tell what is enabling your illness and helping you keep yourself in denial that you are sick. If my last attempt to get you help results in you figuring out how to drink and do drugs in a way that doesn’t so adversely affect your education, then I will have enabled you, rather than helped you see you are ill. I do not want to be responsible for prolonging your illness, helping you deny that you are ill. If your silence is a result of the things I’ve said and done, then I have not helped you. The last thing I’d ever want to be is a part of your destruction—to ever bring harm or hurt to you. I have spent most of your life protecting you, caring for you and have loved you for all of it—but your illness makes it impossible for me to continue to do so.

This is who I love. This is how I want to remember you.

Ellie--cool, confident and beautiful--and she knows it as you can tell from her Mona Lisa smile.

One thing that makes walking away from you so difficult is that I can not believe that someone as strong, stubborn, and smart as you could be so easily vanquished—I find it impossible to believe that your addictions could so easily overwhelm you. So, part of me holds out an impossible hope that you still exist—that you are still there fighting to save yourself, fighting to come back to me. But I can not stay—I can not help you—until you ask me to.

Goodbye Ellie. I miss you every day. I will always love you. I will pray for you every day, as I have for the past eight months. I pray and hope you will get better and come back to me, but I doubt that there is anything left of you—certainly nothing that loves me or cares for me that I can see. I will grieve for you, mourn for you and pray for you. May God watch over you, my beloved Ellie.

If you do still exist and do ever decide to fight for yourself—to fight to get your life back and become more than the drug-addicted alcoholic you have been for much of the past year—I will help you as I promised. You must make amends for the lies you have told—as I know the woman I love would want to do—and ask me for help. If you do so, I will walk beside you on your long road to recovery as I promised you and your mother. But it is up to you—you must come find me, make your amends, and ask me for help.

I will no longer be watching over you—I can not. It is your choice—your decision—one that only you can make for yourself. If you truly love me, you will come find me when you finally decide you need help. If you love me and want to see the future that we had talked about in June come to be—you will seek help soon—before you destroy everything.

May my beautiful and beloved Ellie rest in peace.

For the past seven months, I’ve been holding out hope that she still lives—that the incredible woman I love and wanted to marry was not destroyed by her addictions. But it seems that this is not the case—it seems that my Ellie is truly gone. I had a conversation with an acquaintance about alcoholics and drug addicts. They believe that once an addiction takes a hold of a person they can never again be who they once were. If that is true, then the amazing woman I love is gone. I have certainly not seen any sign that she still exists since July.

I still find it hard to believe that someone who was so strong, so smart and so stubborn could be vanquished by her addictions in only seven months. But, I have seen no evidence that the proud, brilliant, beautiful, and sweet woman I love still survives. I was hoping that someone as smart, strong and stubborn she was could still be fighting her addictions—fighting to save herself; fighting to save the bright future she once had; and fighting to be with the man she loves once again. That is pretty clearly not the case.

My Ellie was proud of being a good student. She considered getting a good education very important. Her choice of colleges was very important to her—going to a Catholic college was important to her. Back in May, shortly before she succumbed to her addictions, she posted that she was proud to have made Dean’s List at her school two semesters in a row—her entire freshman year—while taking five courses each semester instead of the normal load of four.

Last semester, she was only taking four courses and did not make Dean’s List. Whatever her addictions have left has no anger, no outrage, no sense of shame at how poorly they did academically. Whomever she has become doesn’t seem to care that she is putting her scholarship at risk, or realize that if she loses the scholarship, she will have to drop out of the school she is at for financial reasons, if nothing else. Considering how important going to the particular college she is at was to her, she must surely be gone if she isn’t going to fight to save her scholarship.

My Ellie cared about herself. She cared about what other people thought of her. She cared about how she treated people—especially the people she loved. Whomever is inhabiting her body doesn’t care that her addictions are destroying her health and her beauty—both physical and spiritual. Whatever she has become doesn’t care that she is destroying her future. Whatever her addictions have turned her into doesn’t care that she has hurt people she loves; lied about people she loves; and disappointed the man she loves. It is pretty clear that she no longer cares about anything other than her next drink, her next blunt, her next buzz or her next high.

The photographs she has posted of herself clearly show how the drugs and alcohol have taken a toll on her. In her most recent photograph, she appears a bit jaundiced with red, watery, bloodshot eyes, and an almost gaunt, almost-anorexic appearance to her once-beautiful face.

Ellie posted this after a long night of work, drinking tea with her mother, and smoking weed--in her own words, she said: "Tired af...worked mad, smked mad, shower bathrobe bedtime night *"

The change is very dramatic, especially if you consider how different she looks from a photograph she took only a seven weeks earlier or so.

Ellie dressed to kill for the Harvest Ball in November.

I am sure that the reason she has let her addictions gain the hold over her the way they have is because she no longer believes in herself—she no longer sees herself as the amazing, confident, strong, smart, and beautiful woman she truly is. She has let her self-doubts and her insecurities turn her into a pale, unhealthy, drug-addicted, alcoholic shadow of her true self. She has allowed her addictions to make her so much less than the woman I love. She has allowed drugs and alcohol to steal the love she has for me from us. It doesn’t seem to matter that I believe in her—that I know she is smart, beautiful, strong, confident, desirable and amazing in so many ways.

If Ellie can not see the damage she is doing to herself—if she can not see how her addictions have affected her as a student and are destroying any chance she has at the bright future and all her dreams and hopes that she once had—then surely, she must be dead. If she does not care that her addictions are destroying her health, her body and her looks—then she surely is a casualty of her addictions. If it does not matter that her addictions are hurting the people that love her, then all that is left is her body, and that is slowly being destroyed by her addictions.

Ellie—if you still exist at all—if you still love me as you told me dozens of times in two different languages—if you still love yourself at all please fight for yourself; fight for us; and fight for that future we talked about—the hopes and dreams you had told me of. Show me that you still are there—that you still love me—that you still want to make that future we talked about come true. I know you are smart enough, strong enough, and stubborn enough to beat your addictions—but only if you want to. Only you can fight your addictions and ask for help—no one else can make you do this—you must do it for yourself.

If you ask me to, I will walk beside you on your long road to recovery as I have promised. Please ask me to help you get the help you need—please let me help save the woman I love.

That you do not fight to save yourself; to fight for the love we have for each other; to fight to save the future we talked about tells me that you are a casualty of your addictions. Because either you are a casualty of your addictions or you do not think the love we have between us is worth fighting for—and I can not believe that.

I know the woman that loves me would fight for me just as fiercely as I have fought for her. I did not think there was anything that we could not face together. Together, you and I, are so much more than we could ever be apart. I guess I was wrong.

Unfortunately, I do not think enough of the woman I love survives to help herself—or to ask for help. I do not see you asking me for help in time to save yourself, your future, or your scholarship. I truly believe that if you lose your scholarship and have to drop out of the college you have picked for yourself, you will turn even more heavily to drugs and alcohol and likely seriously injure or kill yourself in the process. I can not stay and watch you do that.

I have done everything I can for you—more than anyone could rightfully expect—and there is nothing I can do now but walk away, since you will not help yourself.

I hope you wake up one morning and regret what you have done—at the pain and suffering you have caused—at how you have hurt me—and realize that the only reason I did all I did do was because I love you. I hope that some day you realize what you have thrown away. Somehow, I doubt either of those things will ever happen—because whatever it is that you have become doesn’t care about anything beyond her next drink or blunt. Whomever it is your addictions have made you is willing to sacrifice everything, including herself, to feed her addictions.

That is why I believe the woman I love is dead and gone—only her body, the physical shell she once lived in, remains. And, if God is merciful, that too will be gone soon. I doubt that my beautiful, caring, compassionate, smart, stubborn and sweet Ellie would want to live out her days for long as whatever it is your addictions have made you. This is not the path God would have chosen for you. You chose this path for yourself, and the woman I love would never have done that—she would have fought to save herself.

I can’t tell you how much I wish that you were here beside me—fighting to get better, fighting for us, and fighting for the future we had talked about in June. I am lost without you. Eventually, I will find my way again without you—but it will take time.

Ellie—I hope that you know I will mourn for you and grieve for you as I have for no one else—not even my own twin. While I was born a twin and will die a twin, it was never something I had a choice about. I chose you because you were so beautiful—in mind, body and spirit. I chose you because you could make me laugh and smile like no one else I’ve ever known. I chose you because you had grown into such an amazing woman—smart, strong, confident, beautiful, sweet, caring and gracious. I chose you because I have never loved anyone as long or as much as I love you. I have cared for you, protected you and guided you all of your life. I have loved you all of your life in some fashion—I always will.

I am moving on because it is what you would want for the man you love, because you love me. I am moving on because I can not stay to watch your addictions destroy what is left of you. I am moving on because I can not bear to see all your hopes and dreams that you had told me about die with you. Most of all, I am moving on because I can not bear to see the loss of our future together that we had talked about—like the Asians with freckles that our children would have been and will now never be.

Ellie—I pray that God loves you enough to grant you peace and show you mercy. I am sure that you are not on the path that God would want for you. I am sure that being a drug-addicted alcoholic is not God’s Will. I know that the woman that loves me would despise and loathe the thing you have become. I will pray for you as I have been doing and hope that you, my beloved, find peace.

Etta James, probably best known for her song At Last, just passed away. It’s sad to hear for me because Etta and At Last were what Gee and I picked for our wedding 12 years ago. We didn’t even have to discuss it…it was the first choice for both of us.

Even today, over a decade later, I still get the occasional compliment on what a perfect wedding we had—how storybook perfect it was—even though there was a lot of chaos behind the scenes, like losing track of the wedding license in the confusion and running around of the very busy day. I was so proud of Gee because she was so strong and beautiful that day. Her gown was almost 40 lbs. of matte satin silk and freshwater pearls, but she carried it off. Most guests didn’t even realize that she had just recovered from her first round of chemotherapy earlier that fall. It was the happiest day of my life so far.

Gee and Dan dancing at their wedding reception, November 2000

My real thanks go to my sister-in-law, Michelle, who had been living with us since that August. She was one of the real reasons I was able to keep my promise to Gee and why Gee was so healthy and strong that day.

I miss Gee everyday, but I know that my weather goddess is watching over me. I see her hand in the weather and hear her laughter and voice in the wind; feel her tears in the rain; and see her beautiful smile in the sunshine. She is one of my two guardian angels, and I know she is watching over Ellie as well, for no other reason than I love Ellie too.

Ellie—

all moved in ! redesigning my pandora bracelet

I see that you’ve moved in to your dormitory. I see that you don’t care that your drinking and drug use affected your grades last semester. If nothing else—the fact that you don’t care about your grades, don’t worry about losing your scholarship and don’t care about your education—means that the amazing woman I love is surely lost to her addictions.

Since you clearly don’t care what I think anymore, and probably aren’t reading this blog any more—it is pretty clear to me that it is time for me to move on. It is what you would have wanted me to do if you had died—which you have in so many ways. You wouldn’t want me waiting around for the drug-addicted alcoholic you’ve become—because you wouldn’t think she is worth the pain, hurt and trouble that she causes me.

If redesigning your Pandora bracelet is the most important thing on your mind—then the woman I love is truly dead. She would be worried about her grades; how she did last semester; possibly losing her scholarship; and worried about how her drinking and drugs are affecting her health, her mind and body. These are pretty clearly things that you do not care about anymore..

The woman who loves me wouldn’t think much of the drug-addicted alcoholic that you’ve become. She wouldn’t want me to have anything to do with what you’ve become. She would agree that what you’ve become is nothing like the amazing, beautiful, smart and confident woman I love. She would be horrified at the things you’ve done and what you’ve become—at how you’ve hurt me and how you’ve lied about me.

The woman I love is proud—proud of herself; proud of her heritage; proud of her intelligence; proud of being a good student; and proud of her religious beliefs. She wouldn’t need to rely on alcohol and drugs. She wouldn’t doubt herself like you do. She wouldn’t let her insecurities and self-doubts feed her addictions the way you have.

The woman I love is intelligent—she knows that using drugs and drinking heavily is bad for her health; and she knows that education is important to her future. She would realize that she is destroying her future, her health and her body with the drugs and alcohol she has been abusing. She would realize she is risking her scholarship and future because of how the drugs and alcohol have affected her grades. She would stop for these reasons—to save her health, save her future, and keep the scholarship so she can stay at the school she chose for herself.

The woman I love cares—she cares about her health; she cares about her friends and family; she cares about her education; and she cares about what others think of her. She would care that she has lied about and hurt people who love her. She would care that she has disappointed people she loves. She would care that she did badly last semester and would want to prevent it from happening again this semester.

The woman I love is a good person—she is honest; she is compassionate; and she is generous. She would not lie. She would not hurt people she loves—who love her. She would care about what her actions have cost her friends and family. She would not have betrayed our friendship or the love we had for each other.

You are pretty clearly not the woman I love any more. You are clearly not the woman that loves me. She is strong, beautiful, smart, courageous, strong-willed and feisty. Whatever it is that you have become is weak, cowardly and apathetic.

The woman I love isn’t the drug-addicted alcoholic that lets people treat her like trash—or allow them to throw her away when they are tired of her.

The woman that loves me isn’t stupid enough to put her education or future at risk—wouldn’t trade that bright future for the temporary high of drugs or buzz of alcohol.

My beloved Ellie wouldn’t lie about the people she cares about. She wouldn’t hurt the people who love her. She wouldn’t let her addictions ruin her life, her looks, her health or her future. Most of all, my beloved wouldn’t give up on herself the way you have—she is too strong, too feisty, too brave, too smart and too proud of herself to be anything less than the best she can be.

I wish you good luck this semester. I doubt my wishes will do much, against your drinking and drug use. You will likely do so poorly that you lose your scholarship and when that happens—you will have no one to blame but yourself. When you have to drop out of school because you can no longer afford to go—you will have no one to blame but yourself. When your health starts to fail you because of the damage you’ve done to your body from your drugs and alcohol—you will have no one else to blame but yourself. When you hit rock bottom and end up in the hospital, in jail or living on the street—you will have no one to blame but yourself.

Finally, when you realize that there is no one that will stand by you—remember that you have pushed away the only person who loved you enough to try and get you help—the only person that cared enough to see what you were doing to yourself, the only person who stood by you. Your family is one of alcoholics in denial—they can not help you. The people you call your friends right now are part of your problem—I doubt they will help you or stand by you—they have no commitment to you.

Everything I had predicted about your drug and alcohol use has come to pass…I warned your mother that if you didn’t get help before going back to school, you would spiral out of control and your grades would drop. I doubt I am wrong now. I know you far better than you know yourself in many ways—because I can see the truth—the truth that your addictions are blinding you about. I also love you, and that love gives me an insight into you that you no longer have—because you no longer love yourself.

I have tried to warn you. I have tried to help you. I have tried to protect you, even from yourself and your own addictions. I love you and always will. There is one last thing I can try. I will do this because I love you. Even if you hate me for doing it, it can not be any worse than what your addictions have done to us.

If by any chance, you do find the strength, will and courage to fight your addictions and need my help—I will be here for you, at least for a while longer. All you need to do is make your amends and ask me. You know how to reach me. I will not watch over you any longer. If you want my help—it is up to you to seek me out. I doubt this will happen. Everything I have seen has led me to believe you are truly a casualty of your addictions and that nothing remains of my beautiful, beloved, red-haired Irish woman but her body. She has died—though her body lives on—slowly dying in so many ways.

Be warned—I will not be here forever—I will be moving on. It is what you would want me to do, because who you used to be loved me and only wanted the best for me. That is why I asked you to marry me—to share my life with me—and to be the mother of our children.

Good luck and God be with you my beloved. May he watch over you, because I no longer will. I do not believe he can help you unless you help yourself. I would like to close with a prayer, one much like I say every night and every morning—one I will continue to say for some time to come, but not forever.

God Bless Ellie. May God be with my beloved Ellie. May He watch over her. May He guard her and protect her—even from herself.

May God grant Ellie the strength, courage and will to fight her addictions so she can again be the amazing woman she was once.

May He show her the truth about herself—so she can realize how incredible she truly is.

May He show her the damage drugs and alcohol are doing to her looks, her body and her mind.

May He return Ellie to the people who truly love her. May He show her how much i love her. May He bring Ellie, my beloved, back to me.

I pray that He deliver Ellie from evil—for drugs and alcohol surely must be evil.

And, if God can not do this, because Ellie has free will and has chosen to stay on the path of alcoholism and drug addiction she has been on for the last seven months, may He grant her mercy and peace.

Ellie—

I don’t even know if you still read my blog. Given that you haven’t said anything or done anything about what I’ve tried to tell you, I am guessing that you aren’t reading my blog any more or don’t care what I say anymore.

If, by chance, you are still reading this blog and care about what I have to say, please read all the posts and comments I have written for you.

I know you are brave enough, strong enough, smart enough and stubborn enough to beat your addictions once you realize you have a problem with drugs and alcohol. I know if you get angry enough about what your addictions have done to you—how they are destroying your health, your future and making you so much less than you should be—you could easily fight your addictions with your feisty spirit and stubborn will.

click on image for a larger version

Please help yourself. Please ask me to help you. I hope you will click on this image and print it out, so that you can remember who you truly are supposed to be. I hope that you will carry it with you to remind yourself of how strong, confident and beautiful you really are. I hope that you will read it and remember that I truly do love you just because you are the amazing woman you are.

Look at what your drug use and drinking is doing to you:

• how your addictions are taking a clear toll on your beautiful face and body;
• how your drug use and drinking are causing you to destroy your dreams and future;
• how drugs and alcohol have made you something so much less than the smart, beautiful, confident, strong woman you once were—something other than the woman I love;
• how the path drugs and alcohol have led you down has turned you into a selfish, materialistic creature that cares only for her next high or next buzz;
• how your addictions have made it possible that you could trade your beautiful body for the drugs and alcohol they require;
• how drugs and alcohol have made you lie about and hurt people you love—who love you;
• how your addictions have made you try to be someone and something you truly are not—you are not the gangsta bitch you’ve been trying to be the last seven months.

Wake up and see what your addictions are doing to you before they rob you of your bright future, ruin your health, and destroy your beautiful face, body and mind.

You’ve always been proud that you were a good student and prized a good education highly. Last May, before your real problems with drinking and drugs started, you posted:

made ***********’s dean’s list 2nd semester in a row taking 5 classes each time ))) makes the shadows from yesterday seem not so important !

Ask yourself what happened to your grades last semester. Did you make Dean’s List this past semester? No, I didn’t think so. Yet, you were only taking four classes from what I know.—so why do you think that is?

I know religion was important to you. In fact, going to the college you are at was so important to you that you posted about it. You said:

sweet how my dad thinks i want ******** just for the name. going to a catholic school actually means something to me

You posted about God’s Will and God’s Grace—yet do you really think God would want you—one of His beloved Children—to be a drug addict and an alcoholic. Is that what you think God’s plan for you is? Have you become that fucking stupid? Whose plan do you think it was for you to be a drug-addicted alcoholic—if it wasn’t God’s?

Look at your recent photos? Do you look healthy in them? Do you look happy in them? Your eyes are bloodshot and watery in most of them. You look like you’ve been crying and have unshed tears in your eyes? Why is that?

You have always prided yourself on being a healthy person. Why do you have trouble sleeping now? Why do you need to smoke marijuana just to get some sleep many nights? Why do you look gaunt and almost anorexic in your most recent photos?

You have always been a fairly happy person. You’ve posted recently that you love your life. So why aren’t you smiling in the recent photos I’ve seen of you—not the fake smile that you have been doing since July, but your real one, where your whole face lights up and it brightens the room you are in.

You were in a car accident recently—that’s the only way you could have a rental car—because you’re too young to rent one yourself. What were the circumstances of the accident? Were you drunk, high or exhausted at the time it happened? Do you realize how lucky you are that you weren’t seriously injured or killed?

There are so many clear warning signs, yet you seem to be ignoring them all. Why are you being so fucking stupid? Why are you letting your insecurities and self-doubts destroy you? Why are you letting yourself become a drug-addicted alcoholic?

Talk to your local parish priest before you go back to school. I have. I gave him the documentation your mother asked me to put together this past summer, so your mother could read it. He read it and was worried about you too.

If I sound angry at you, it is because I am. I hate the fact that you’re allowing your addictions to destroy the woman I love—you. I hate that you have gotten so weak and uncertain about what an incredibly strong, beautiful and smart woman you are that you are allowing your doubts to feed your addictions.

I am angry because I am scared of losing the amazing woman I love to drugs and alcohol. I am angry because the thought of losing you to your addictions and having to walk away and abandon the woman I love most terrifies me. I am scared that you will get killed in a drunk driving accident—and that I will have no one else to blame but you—because you were driving drunk yourself.

After I told you I wanted to marry you, you said you loved me in two different languages dozens of times. You talked about adoring Asians with freckles and what you wanted to name our children. We talked about waiting until you graduated from college to get married. We talked about starting a life together. You asked to see the claddagh ring I bought for you. I can not believe that you would do all this unless you wanted to marry me—spend the rest of our lives together. I am sure that is why you pushed me away when I confronted you about your drinking.

If you don’t remember who we are to each other—what the truth of our relationship is—that we have loved each other, cared for each other, and been friends for all of your life—I would ask you when was the last time you truly laughed the way you do when we are together?

This is who we are together—who I am to you:

• Who else would offer to help you out of the green slime in the pool if you fell in, but only after laughing about it?
• Who else loves you and knows you well enough to blow raspberries on your sleek, beautiful stomach to wake you up in the morning?
• Who else would want to kiss every one of your freckles to count them?
• Who would bake you cheesecakes and bring you iced coffees because he loves to see the smile on your face when you see that he has brought them for you?
• Who else would go through all the pain and suffering you have caused this summer and still love you?
• Who else would put up with the lies you’ve told and the horrific things you’ve done and still want to marry you?
• Who else would stay up late saving the files off your broken computer and getting them to you so you’d have them to study for your finals?
• Who else would give you a safety kit so that you can take care of yourself and your car in an emergency?
• When was the last time someone loved you enough to tickle you and tease you the way I do?
• Who else would give you a red fleece cape and walk in the midnight mists with you down on the Cape?
• Who took you to Cracker Barrel and so many other places, just to spend time with you and spoil you rotten?
• Why would you rub my shoulders and neck to ease my pains and hurt if you didn’t love me?
• Why would you text me half-a-dozen times to make sure I would be at your birthday dinner that evening if you didn’t want me there?
• Why would I drive the hour from Fairhaven to Boston to be at your birthday dinner if I didn’t love you?
• Who else would you tell all your secrets, dreams, hopes and ambitions to—talking until the sun arose behind us?
• Why would you squeal with excitement and delight when you see I’ve brought you a gift from my travels?
• Why would I stay up late at night worrying about you, and praying for your safety?

This is what we mean to each other. We care about each other, we love each other—if you can’t see it, then your addictions are blinding you to the truth. I love you, I love your smile and I love your laughter most of all. While it isn’t me tickling you in this video, it is my fault they are. I really should have rescued you, but that was before I realized how much I truly love you.

We are better and stronger together than we are apart. You make me want to be a better person than I am without you. I know you want to be a better person when you are with me than when you are alone. We are so much greater than ourselves when we are together, because we love each other. This is so much more than the broken partnership your parents have. Your father is not capable of loving anyone the way I love you.

This is all true—so, if you do love me—fight to come back to me. Fight for the children we would have—the Asians with freckles you so adore. Fight for the future we had talked about. Fight for the dreams and ambitions you have always told me you had. You can do it. But only you can do it.

If you should ever realize you have a problem with drugs and alcohol, and you want to get help—I hope you will remember my vow to you. I love you and will help you if you make your amends and ask me for help. I can not help you unless you make your amends first—because of a choice you made.

You will have to show me that you have made a place for me in your life—right beside you—and show me you want to be my partner and friend once more. You must show me that you want me beside you—sharing our lives and working together to help you get better. You must show me that you are as committed to me as I have been to you.

If I see you have come back to me and are fighting your addictions, there is nothing that will stop me from being with you—walking your long road to recovery with you as I have promised. There is nothing I will not do to help you get better—to help you beat your addictions.

If you ask me to I will guide you when you feel lost or confused; support you when you stumble or fall; carry you when your strength fails; protect you when you feel threatened or scared; and most of all—to love you—more, each and every day. This is what I promised you back on June 22nd, when I first told you I wanted to marry you and how my feelings for you had grown.

This is what I have done for you almost all of your life—with the difference that I want to now do it as your soulmate, your partner, your husband—rather than as just your friend.

You are mi querencia. You are mo chuisle mo chroi. You are my home and haven. You are my partner and better half. I can not abandon you. I will not abandon you. This I promised you and your mother. But I need to know you still exist. I need to see that you want what I have to offer you and that you are willing to fight for yourself—fight to get better. I need you to decide you want me in your life once again.

School starts soon, and I fear for you.

You are moving back to school today and it seems unlikely that you will get the help you need before your classes start. I wish you good luck and hope you do well, but if you are drinking and getting high like you were last semester, I doubt my wishes will do much for you.

I hope you realize you need help before the semester is too far along and while you can still salvage your grades, your scholarship and the pride you normally have in your education and in yourself as a student.

Act now, time is running short—so act soon—before you destroy your future, your health, and yourself—the woman I love.

I know that God can not help you Ellie unless you choose to let him. Unless you seek help first—no one can help you—not God, not me, not your family. It is a choice you have to make. It is a decision with consequences you will have to live with. I have tried to warn you of what the consequences of your choices can be.

You can choose to be the drug-addicted alcoholic you have been for seven months.

You can choose to fight your addictions and be the amazing woman I love once again.

Those are the two choices that I see before you. You have to choose. You have to live with the consequences of your choice. Not choosing is a choice in itself—it will leave you on the path to self-destruction through drugs and alcohol that you are currently on.

This is all I have to say to my beautiful Ellie today. There are only two more days before classes start and I must walk away.

This is not to say I am abandoning you, my beloved Ellie. It is not a choice I have. I simply can not stand by and watch you complete your downfall—see you ruin the bright future you once had open before you—see you destroy all the hopes and dreams we had once talked about—see the destruction of all I love about my beautiful red-haired Irish lass—watch you throw away the future we talked about together.

I would like to close with a prayer, one much like I say every night and every morning.

God Bless Ellie. May God be with my beloved Ellie. May He watch over her. May He guard her and protect her—even from herself.

May God grant Ellie the strength, courage and will to fight her addictions so she can again be the amazing woman she was once.

May He show her the truth about herself—so she can realize how incredible she truly is.

May He show her the damage drugs and alcohol are doing to her looks, her body and her mind.

May He return Ellie to the people who truly love her. May He show her how much i love her. May He bring Ellie, my beloved, back to me.

I pray that He deliver Ellie from evil—for drugs and alcohol surely must be evil.

And, if God can not do this, because Ellie has free will and has chosen to stay on the path of alcoholism and drug addiction she has been on for the last seven months, may He grant her mercy and peace.

Today, I had cheese stuffed tortellini for the first time in over a decade. It is strange, but I didn’t realize that I hadn’t bought or made this type of pasta in over ten years, even though it was always one of my favorites. It was also a dish that I cooked a lot for Gee, when she was in the hospital during the last weeks of her life. I would make it and then drive over to the hospital so she could have it still warm from the stove instead of the horrible stuff that passes for hospital food.

Earlier this fall, I realized that I hadn’t made cheesecakes in over two months, when they used to be a bi-monthly staple for me to make. In many ways, it is for the same reasons that I haven’t had cheese-stuffed tortellini—the person that I most associated with making cheesecakes is gone, like the person I most associated cooking cheese-stuffed tortellini with.

It is said that the sense of smell is the one that is most closely tied to one’s memories. The scent of the pasta cooking brought back memories of our home in Springfield, and my waiting with the Gladware container ready at hand so I could take the pasta off the stove and pack it for the trip to to hospital and get it there still warm for my beautiful wife Gee to eat.

Cheese-filled Tortellini

Likewise, the scent of baking my mini-cheesecakes brings up the memories of delivering them to Ellie, and waking her up with a Ziploc bag of a half-dozen mini-cheesecakes and watching the smile I love so much appear as she saw them. It always amuses me how she would sneak one out and hide it, and then pretend that she was taking all of them and putting them in the refrigerator so she would have them for later. I always found the crumpled up aluminum pan from the mini-cheesecake hidden in the corner of her desk or some other place until she could dispose of it without me seeing it.

My Signature Mini-Cheesecakes

Other foods remind me of other people. Making kimchi jigae reminds me of Yoon Joo. It was one of the dishes she would make. Unlike Gee, Yoon could cook fairly well. Another food that reminds me of Yoon is Bing Soo, a Korean dessert that consists of shaved ice, miniature sweet rice cakes, green tea ice cream, green tea syrup and red beans. I still have the bingsoo ice shaver that is shaped like a bear that we bought together. The one we have looks a lot like this, but is white and black, not pink:

Bing Soo Manual Ice Shaver

Fried chicken wings will always remind me of my mother-in-law. She makes the best chicken wings. They’re a special treat she will often make if she knows I am coming to visit. They look a lot like the wings in this photo:

Korean Fried Chicken Wings

Galbi, or Korean Grilled Beef Short Rib, is another of my favorite dishes. It will always remind me of grilling on my boat, s/v Pretty Gee. It’s a favorite of many of the guests and crew that have been aboard the s/v Pretty Gee. Galbi is cooked in two different styles, the one I prefer is generally referred to as LA style Galbi, and consists of beef rib that has been sliced into about 3/8″–1/2″ thick slices. It looks like this:

LA Style Galbi

These are some of my favorite foods and the memories they evoke. What are your favorite foods and what memories do they bring to mind?

The words of this song almost perfectly express my feelings at losing Ellie to her illness.

I miss her. I grieve for her. I hope where ever she goes, that she someday remember how much I love her. I always have loved her, and always will.

There are no goodbyes between us, for I know that we will be together again someday, if not in this life, then the next.

God be with her, may He watch over her and guide her, may He protect her and bring her home to me. If that should not happen, may He grant her peace.

Fare Thee Well, Love, by the Rankin Family

Fare thee Well, love
Fare thee Well, love
Far away, you must go.
Take your heart, love
Take your heart, love
Will we never meet again no more?

Far across, love
Far across, love.
O’er mountains and country wide
Take my heart, love
Take my heart, love
No one knows the tears I’ve cried.

So I’ll drink today, love,
I’ll sing to you, love
in pauper’s glory, my time I’ll bide
No home or ties, love,
A restless rover, if I can’t have you
by my side.

Oh come back, love
Oh come back, love
The sun and moon
refuse to shine.

Since I’ve gone, love
Gone away love
this lonely girl has had no peace of mind

So I’ll drink today, love,
I’ll sing to you, love
in pauper’s glory, my time I’ll bide
No home or ties, love,
A restless rover, if I can’t have you
by my side.

Fare thee well love, fare thee well love Fare thee well, fare thee well
Far away, you must go. Far away you must go.
Take my heart, love Take my heart
Take my heart, love Take your heart
Will we never meet again no more? Will we never meet again no more?
Will we never meet again no more? Will we never meet again no more?

I will always be here for Ellie, the woman that loves me. I will always love the amazing, intelligent, beautiful, smart, funny, stubborn, freckled, Irish woman with the red hair and feisty temper, as I have her whole life. I will always care for the woman that learned to say “sarangheyo”, so she could tell me she loves me in Korean–the language of my ancestors. Love is eternal, and I always have and always will love my beautiful Ellie.

Ellie--cool, confident and beautiful--out for dinner with me and her family.

If and when Ellie realizes she has a problem with drugs and alcohol, I hope that she will remember what I have said here, and ask for my help in her recovery. I wish she would remember that at least one person loves her unconditionally and is and always has been here for her. I hope she is strong enough and courageous enough to learn to love herself as much as I love her, and to ask for my help in fighting her inner demons.

I hope she realizes that I have a commitment to her, because she is the woman that loves me, that I will keep my promise to her and her mother, to be here if she should need my help and ask for it. I hope she gets better soon and comes back to being the sweet, feisty, stubborn woman that loves me.

Now, I believe have told Ellie everything that needs to be said. If she does not believe me, or does not understand how much I love her and care for her, there is nothing I can say or do that will convince her or make her understand how much I love her, how much she means to me or how committed to her I truly am. If she does not understand how intelligent, funny, strong, stubborn, beautiful, compassionate and loveable a woman she is, and why I love her so very much after all I have said and been through for her, I fear she never will.

Ellie's beautiful smile during a late night game of Scrabble down at the Cape in 2008.

There is nothing else to say. It is up to her now. I have done everything I can for the woman I love–the woman that loves me. If she can not save herself, at least enough to find the strength and courage to make amends and ask me for my help, then she is truly lost–a victim of her addictions.

Ellie giving me bunny ears at Fire & Ice on her 18th birthday

I am waiting for her to return to me, so we can start our future together. In any case, if fate does not allow Ellie to return to me and the future we had talked about this past summer, I wish her well and hope that she finds love, happiness, health and success. If she can not find the strength and courage to fight her illness and return to health, I hope that God is merciful and grants her peace. I hope she finally knows I will always love her and care for her, as I have all of her life. I pray for her and ask that my guardian angels watch over my beloved and protect her from what they can.

One of my favorite photos of Ellie, Summer 2010.

Be well beloved, and know you are truly loved and missed by me. Hopefully, you know where I stand–that I am waiting for you and will walk beside you on your road to recovery if you ask. You know where and how to reach me. I hope I hear from you soon. Take care of yourself little one. I love you, as I have all your life.

Happy New Year’s Eve to all my friends and family. This is the last day of the year and I, for one, am very happy to see 2011 end. I hope the New Year brings all of you success, health and happiness. I hope that 2012 will be a better year for many of us.

I hope that 2012 brings my beloved Ellie back to herself, and that she finds the strength and courage to seek help. I hope that she finally realizes that she is ill and asks for help in getting better. I hope that she realizes that she does not have to be alone–that I am here for her, as I have been her whole life. And, I hope the New Year brings my beloved Ellie back to me, so we can start our future together.

If she makes her amends and asks for my help, I will be there–walking by her side on her long journey back to health. I would be honored to guide her when she gets lost or confused, support her when she stumbles or falls, carry her when her strength fails her, protect her when she is threatened or scared, and most of all, love her more each and every day. This is my promise, my duty and my responsibility to the beautiful woman that loves me. It is what I vowed to her when I asked her to marry me and told her I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

My Ellie is stronger than she knows and smarter than she thinks she is. She is gracious, funny, stubborn, feisty, and sweet. She makes me smile like no other can. She makes me laugh like no one else. I would move heaven, hell and earth for her if she asked me to. I have faith in her and believe in her. I trust her. Finally, I love her unconditionally. I have loved her for her whole life in some fashion. I have known her and loved her longer than anyone else I’ve ever known.

I do not know if the beautiful woman I call Ellie even exists any longer. I do not know if she has become a casualty of her addictions–destroyed by the inner demons that have plagued her for the past seven months. I hope that is not the case, and that somewhere, she still exists and still loves me. I hope and pray each day that she will realize that she is more than her illness, her insecurities, and her self-doubts will let her be. I pray that she sees that she has the strength and the courage to fight her illness and become healthy again. I wish she could see herself as I do, for I know if she realized how beautiful, strong, compassionate, intelligent, and sweet she really is, she would never allow her insecurities to make her less than she is again.

If fate does not allow Ellie to return to me and the future we had talked about this past summer, I wish her well and hope that she finds love, happiness, health and success. If she can not find the strength and courage to fight her illness and return to health, I hope that God is merciful and grants her peace. I hope she knows I will always love her and care for her, as I have all of her life. I pray for her and ask that my guardian angels watch over my beloved and protect her from what they can. Be well beloved, and know you are truly loved and missed by me.

Just recently, Ellie posted:

Never done so much accounting in my life… next semester is going to be a challenge..stats econ accounting macro…

I don’t think she even realizes how difficult those classes are going to be for her. Given how much trouble she was having this semester with classes that are relatively far simpler for most college students, I would have to say that next semester is going to be a real nightmare for her, especially if she keeps drinking and doing drugs the way she was this past semester. Many college students have trouble in those three classes from what I’ve seen. Taking all three of them in one semester is going to be really difficult for her, even if she isn’t drunk or high for as much of the semester as she was this past one.

The truly sad part is that I tutored a lot of people in three of those subjects: Statistics, Micro-Economics and Macro-Economics, when I was in college myself and minored in Economics. I would happily help Ellie with those courses if she asked me to do so, but because her addictions have forced her to push me away I probably won’t get the chance to help the woman I love do better. I’m not too worried about the accounting course, since her mother is an accountant, I’m pretty sure she can give Ellie all the help she needs there.

In any case, I am on watch… a sentinel, doing my duty and keeping an eye on my beloved in case she does ask me for help. I am pretty sure that this upcoming semester is going to either make her realize she has a problem, if she doesn’t already, or push her further into denial. I don’t know which. It depends on whether her addictions are stronger than her belief in herself being a smart person and a good student. Education is very important to her and always has been. Getting into the school she did was very important to her. Getting good grades has always been important to her. Failing or getting bad grades is really going to upset her.

This upcoming semester is going to be very difficult for me, as was this past one. Watching her suffer because of her illness and watching her do so many self-destructive and horrible things to herself are difficult for me to see, especially when there is nothing I can do to help her. I hope that she realizes she needs help sooner, rather than later, and asks me to help her. That is what I have been waiting and watching for. I don’t believe that anyone else is there for her, since her friends are mostly part of her problem and her family is in denial that she has one. That leaves just me, a person who loves her and always has, and has always tried to protect and care for her for all of her life.

I still don’t know how she did last semester. I don’t think she will be happy with how she did, given how ill prepared she was for some of her classes, exams and finals. Typically, if she thought she did well, she would say something…she only commented on one final, and that comment was wishing that the next two went as well as she thought she did on the first one. I don’t think she has gotten her final grades for the semester yet, but I expect she’ll get them next week. I don’t think she did as well as she wanted or expected to do, but we will see.

A little over ten-and-a-half years ago, Gee came home for the last time. It was Thursday, June 7th, 2001. She had been released from the hospital, where she had been since May 28th, Memorial Day, for home hospice care. As I carried her into the house, what she said to me was bittersweet. She said, “I’m sorry Dan, it isn’t the cancer that’s killing me, but all the complications. I wish I could keep the promise I made to you when we got engaged, but I don’t know if I can.”

Almost two years earlier, on the twelveth anniversary of my twin’s death, Gee got me to propose to her for the second time. The first time I asked Gee to marry me was on our third date, less than two weeks after we had met. Her reply that time was “No, not yet.” When I asked her the second time, she said yes, and she also told me that she would never allow me to be alone again as long as I lived, knowing how my twin’s death had affected me. When she died, she had thought she was going to break the promise she had made that day, but it turns out that she was wrong.

Somehow, for over ten years since her death, the woman I married has managed to keep her promise. I feel her presence every day, her hear voice in the wind, and see her hand in the weather at work. This may be a strong part of the reason why I generally speak about Gee in the present tense, even ten years after she has passed away. As I wrote in a journal about a week after Gee died, “Mere death is no barrier to a love as strong and true as ours.” I guess I was right.

After Gee’s funeral, Gee’s sister, her friend Woo, my friend Brad and I noticed something strange happening. It never really seemed to rain on us anymore. Bad weather didn’t seem to affect the plans we made, regardless of how bad the weather forecast was supposed to be. Gee, who loved and missed the rain from her time in Seattle, had somehow become a weather goddess watching over the four of us.

Now, some people may say that this is just coincidence, but too many of my friends have seen her at work. For example, on a delivery trip from Norfolk, VA to Marion, MA, we were supposed to be hit by one of the worst squall lines in years. A friend of mine was watching our progress on his computer, comparing the satellite transponder track to the doppler radar track of the storm line. Just as we were supposed to get hit, there was a break, about 10 miles wide, in the storm line, centered around where the boat I was on was supposed to cross it. Even more interesting was the radar image off the boat itself. We looked at the radar and there was a teardrop-shaped bubble, where the winds and rain were less severe that followed the progress of the boat as it made its way through the storm front.

There have been many days where the forecast was rather poor for sailing–rain or overcast skies with little or no wind–yet when we got to the marina, we found blue skies with 15-20 knots of wind blowing. On many days, the summer afternoon rains would hold off until I had packed up the car and left the marina. This was so common one particular summer that a neighbor down at the marina asked me to stay for pizza so that the gelcoat he was working on would have time to cure before the rains started. This has become so common, that one of my crew often can tell when I’ve arrived at the marina by watching the skies clear.

Many of my sailing and boating friends have seen her at work. One friend was getting married in an outdoor ceremony earlier this year. The weather forecast was grim, with a 75%+ chance of heavy rain… I told her I’d ask my beloved weather goddess to intervene, and she had blue skies and sun for her wedding.

One promise I made to Gee was that if her friend Woo was ever to get married, I would be there for the both of us. Well, a few years ago, Woo invited me to her wedding. I had a flight down for the day of the rehearsal dinner, but there was a hurricane sitting over the Newport News region of Virginia, and it didn’t look very promising. I went to the airport anyways, trusting to Gee to help me keep my promise to her. My flight was cancelled, and I was bumped onto a second flight, which was also cancelled. I was bumped onto a third flight, the last of the day to Newport News, and it was allowed to take off on schedule.

When we landed at Newport News airport, the airport looked like the set of a bad horror or airport disaster movie. The airport was on backup lighting, with only about one fixture in three working to any degree. There were almost no people at the airport. What I later learned was that we were about the only flight to land in almost a 20-hour window. When I got to the hotel, after driving through a city that looked like a disaster area, Woo asked me how the drive down was, and was shocked to hear I had flown in. As far as she had known, the airport was closed because of the storm.

The next day, Woo and the bridal party were scheduled to take their formal photos at a park a short distance from the church. The skies were solid overcast with a decent rain falling. Woo was worried that the conditions wouldn’t be right for taking the formals. I told her not to worry. As her limo pulled up to the park, the skies cleared up and we had mostly sunny skies for taking the formals. It started to rain again just as the photo session was finishing up.

My boat, s/v Pretty Gee, is named for my late wife. It has become, in many ways, the temple for the weather goddess. Gee never saw the boat, since I bought it six years after she had passed away. But, I know she watches over the boat, and over me and my friends. While I can not prove it, there is far too much anecdotal evidence supporting her being a weather goddess, if only for a fairly small, select group of people.

I think it is fitting that I write this particular piece about my late wife on this particular day. Christmas was one of the special times that Gee and I celebrated. It is a time of year about forgiveness, grace, love and family. Gee is still the most gracious person I have ever known. She taught me far more about forgiveness, love and grace than anyone else I’ve ever met. I hope that before I die I am able to be one-tenth as gracious a person as the woman I married. I’m still not even close to that yet.

Wishing a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, and a Happy New Year to all of my friends and family, especially my beautiful and beloved Ellie. May Gee, my beloved weather goddess, watch over you and your families on your holiday travels.

I recently saw an ad on TV for a company that says they can protect you from “identity theft”. Identity, by definition, can not be stolen.

Identity can be defined as: the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another.

While someone can pretend to be you…they can not actually be you. Granted, if they decided to murder you and take your place in your life, they could “steal” your identity, but that isn’t very likely to happen.

Selling a subscription-based protection service for preventing “identity theft” is a pretty nice scam that is only possible because the financial industry and government don’t really hold the true parties responsible in this type of crime. What this crime really should be called is fraud, because that is what it is. It is someone pretending to be someone they are not for financial gain…fraud, plain and simple.

If the government and financial services industry held the financial institutions responsible for any fraudulent accounts they approve, then there would be far less “identity theft”. One simple way to prevent much of the “identity theft” in this country would be to require any application for credit–whether for a loan, opening a bank account, asking for a line of credit or getting a credit card–to have a notarized thumbprint on the application.

For someone to commit “identity theft” with this requirement in place would require them to either submit their fingerprint, which would make discovery of their true identity relatively easy in cases of fraud or require that they have a corrupt notary public as an accomplice. In either case, it would likely eliminate most of the opportunistic cases of “identity theft”, and allow law enforcement to concentrate on other, more dangerous types of crimes.

Then, when an account being investigated for fraudulent activity, the person whose identity was “stolen” can simply ask to get a copy of the notarized thumbprint. If the thumbprint isn’t theirs, then they would not be liable for any of the charges unless the bank could prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they, in fact, had opened the account and committed the fraud. This would also prevent the financial institution from ruining their credit history.

This simple requirement shifts the onus of proof from the innocent victim, who most likely had nothing to do with the fraud and no idea it has occurred until after the fact, to the financial institution that did not properly do its due diligence. This would also shift the costs of dealing with fraud from the victim to the financial institution responsible for allowing it to occur, and gives the financial system a strong incentive for stopping or reducing such fraud.

Holidays, present a difficult situation for many recovering alcoholics, since the parties of the season often involve alcoholic beverages, and one may not want it known that they are a recovering alcoholic. The Crying out Now blog provides a pretty good list of tips for those trying to maintain their sobriety during this time of year.

This post was taken from the Crying Out Now blog, which is one I follow and hope that my beloved Ellie will eventually read and use in her own path to recovery.

A Holiday Survival Guide

Holidays can be difficult for sober people, or people struggling to get or stay sober.

Now is a good time to prepare.

We thought we’d share some tips. You can not only survive the holidays, you can enjoy them. All you need to do is plan ahead. Please add your own in the comments below; this is by no means a comprehensive list:

• Think ahead. Is it hard for you to be around alcohol? Be honest with yourself. Now is not a time for heroics. Keep your expectations realistic: if it is going to be too difficult, maybe this year is a time to do something different this year. Don’t set yourself up to fail. You can spend a quiet time at home watching movies or hanging out with other friends, volunteer at a shelter serving food, or go to a meeting instead.
• Holidays are usually about family. If there are people in your family who trigger you, be ready. You don’t have to go to every fight you’re invited to .. plan what you’ll say or do if someone gives you a hard time.
• Have safe people to call - program their numbers into your phone in advance, and tell them you’re going to call if things get tough. If everyone around you is drinking and it starts to bring you down, talking to someone else who is sober helps you remember that you are NOT alone.
• Bring your own beverages. This is especially important if you’re going to be around people who don’t know you’re sober. If you always have a drink in your hand, people won’t hand you alcohol or ask if you want something to drink.
• You don’t have to over explain. If someone is pressuring you to drink, be ready with an answer. A white lie is totally acceptable – tell people you’re on antibiotics, or you’re watching your calories and so you aren’t drinking.
• Have an escape plan. If you can, bring your own car. Plan to go for a post-turkey walk – fresh air and exercise will get your endorphins flowing and help tamp down cravings.
• Plan your exit in advance. If everyone is going to settle in and drink and you don’t want to be part of it … don’t. Tell whoever is hosting that you have to leave at a certain time so you don’t get drawn in to staying longer than you want to.
• Remember to be proud of yourself - shame and guilt are huge triggers. Give yourself credit for staying strong.
• Think about the next morning, when you’ll wake up hangover-free and rested. Think about how horribly you felt the morning after drinking, and how sober you don’t wake up and think, “I wish I drank last night.”
• Think through the drink. If you start romancing how nice “one drink” would be, remember how many times you told yourself you were only going to have one and failed. Having one is harder than having none, because once alcohol is in your system the obsession comes alive.
• Remind yourself the holidays don’t last forever, and each holiday is a simple 24 hours, just like any other day. Don’t put more importance on this day over any other.
• Go to bed. If the day is harder than you expected, go to bed early just to put the day to rest. Tomorrow is a new day.
• Believe in yourself. Getting sober and staying sober takes serious guts – you are brave and strong and true. If guilt, shame and remorse start talking to you, remind yourself that it’s your disease sneaking in the back door. Let your sober voice ring loud and proud in your head.
• Forgive yourself for wanting to drink. Don’t expect that you won’t be hit with a craving; it’s natural. Prepare for how you’re going to handle the craving instead of berating yourself for having one.
• Be grateful. Make a gratitude list and carry it with you. Try to focus on the gifts you have in your life, all the possibilities that lie in front of you, instead of all the things you can’t have. Sober, you can do anything.

You are not alone.

Please note: The Crying Out Now blog is written by several women, including one named Ellie, who is not my Ellie.

Dear Santa,

I’ve been a very good boy this year. I have a very simple request for Christmas–can I just have Ellie please? I know she’s not perfect, but I do love her warts and all. I think she’s beautiful, smart and funny. I know she’s the one I was told to look for 10 years ago. I promise I’ll take good care of her and love her for the rest of my life.

I know she’s not healthy right now and that she needs help, but I’m willing to help her get better. I will walk by her side to help her along the long road to recovery if she wants me to. I would be honored to be the one to wipe her tears when she cries, pick her up when she falls, support her when she stumbles or falters, protect her when she feels frightened or threatened, guide her when she is lost or confused and most of all, love her more each and every day.

I would point out that I have experience doing this, as I have been her friend, guide, protector, and confidante for much of her life and I have loved her in some form for all of it. I have cared for her and her family for almost 30 years now, and never stopped, even when they didn’t recognize our friendship and when their actions didn’t merit it. Her mother’s last text to me was, “Danny, I know that you will always be here for us.”, and I have been for almost 30 years.

I know she loves me because she told me so in two different languages dozens of times during the brief week we were talking about our future together earlier this year. If she hadn’t told me that–if I didn’t know how much she loves me–I would have walked away from her because there would be no reason for me to stay and no commitment between us. However, I do have a commitment to Ellie because she does love me. I think we deserve a chance to explore that possible future with kids that are Asians with freckles, and all the other things we discussed. I have the ring I bought for her, right here, waiting for her hand.

Her illness is not a reason to throw away that future. I know she is smart enough, strong enough and brave enough to fight her illness and get better, once she realizes that she is ill. But, until she realizes that she has a problem with alcohol and drugs, there is nothing I can do to help her. So, Santa, please make her realize she has a problem and ask me for my help in getting better, so we can get on with the future we were talking about.

If you can, show my beautiful and beloved Ellie how much I love her and that I still want to spend the rest of our lives together. I hope I see Ellie again soon.

Dan

I am wishing all of my friends and family a Merry Christmas and hope the New Year brings them all success, health and happiness.

I also have some simple wishes and hopes for this Christmas season.

First, I wish that Ellie, the beautiful, smart, funny, tough, feisty, and stubborn woman I love realizes she has an illness and asks for the help she needs to get better.

I hope that Ellie knows that I am here for her–because she is the amazing woman that loves me–that I love. I hope she knows that while I won’t enable her illness–I will support her, love her and care for her as no one else can.

I hope that she asks for my help in getting better–to walk along side her on her road to recovery–so we can start sharing the life together as we had started to discuss this past summer. If she asks me to, I will be there to wipe her tears when she cries; protect her when she feels threatened or scared; guide her when she feels lost or confused; and love her always–more each and every day.

I wish Ellie would return to my side, where she belongs. I am willing to help her on her road to recovery. She does not have to face the difficulties of healing herself alone. We are stronger and better together than we ever could be apart.

I hope she realizes our relationship is always worth fighting for. But I can’t be the only one fighting–I need her help. When I asked her to marry me, I was asking to be her partner in all things, including this.

I hope she doesn’t allow her insecurities and self-doubts to beat her. I don’t think she realizes how beautiful, smart and strong she really is yet–not deep in her heart and mind where it matters.I think if she could see herself the way I do, it would help her realize what an amazing woman she truly is and why I love her so much.

I hope she doesn’t let her addictions win. Her addictions make her act in ways that are unnatural for her and make her less than she can be, and will ruin her future and destroy her dreams.

I have spent much of the last half of this year fighting for her, trying to get her the help I believe she has needed, to no avail. I can’t fight any longer, not without her help. Until my beautiful Ellie finally realizes that she has a problem with drugs and alcohol and decides that she deserves better no one can help her. Until she asks me for my help I can do nothing but watch her slowly destroy herself and her future.

Only when she decides that she doesn’t want to be a shadow of herself, brought low by alcohol and drugs–as she has been since this past June–can anyone help her.

I hope that Ellie learns to love herself enough to want be more than an alcoholic and a drug addict. Until she does love herself, she will not be able to love anyone in any real way or accept anyone’s love–even mine.

We have been friends for a long time, we have cared about each other for years. I have loved her all of her life in some way, and I know she loves me. So, why won’t she fight to save herself? Why won’t she fight to save what we have together? I think it is because she doesn’t yet realize how beautiful, smart, strong, or courageous a person she is.

Finally, I hope that she finally realizes that she is strong enough, brave enough, smart enough and stubborn enough to beat her addictions–especially with me by her side.

If by some miracle, all these hopes and wishes come to pass, I promise Ellie that I will be her devoted and loving partner, as I have been her devoted and loving friend for most of her life. I have believed in her all of her life. I have been her greatest supporter and always tried to help her accomplish her goals and fulfill her dreams. I have always tried to protect her and advise her, because I have always loved her.

It is strange what you can find on Google. I found this article by doing a search on a whim for “recovery”, “love”, “addiction” and “Ellie”. I wish Ellie would read this article. While I don’t believe her father has ever beaten her mother, he is very emotionally abusive towards Ellie’s mother. I guess that is part of his being an addict, a bully and a coward. The Ellie who wrote the note in the article is NOT my Ellie, but one of the amazing women who founded the blog, Crying Out Now, where the article was taken from.

The blog’s purpose and mission is:

Crying Out Now is a community of women speaking about addiction and recovery – telling our truths, and breaking down the walls of stigma and denial surrounding addiction – One Story at a Time.

We believe passionately that shame keeps people sick and alone. All too often, women who are struggling with their drinking feel that they are completely alone, that they are the only ones who do what they do, or who feel how they feel. Crying Out Now is a place for women to speak openly about their struggles and successes. It is a place for women who are drinking, women who are wondering about their drinking, or women who are sober and want to stay that way.

The blog says:

Addiction is a disease of isolation, shame and fear. At Crying Out Now it is our mission to create an open, supportive community, and taking time to comment is a huge part of breaking through the stigma surrounding addiction. By using our hearts and our voices, we have the power to heal.

I hope to be able to help heal the woman I love before it is too late for her.

Here is the article in its entirety.

The Alcoholics’ Daughter

A note from Ellie: addiction is a family disease, and it impacts everyone who loves an alcoholic. Periodically we like to post submissions from the ‘other side’ of addiction. There are many people who read this blog who have grown up with alcoholism, or who love someone who is struggling, and so we feel it is important to talk about this aspect of the disease, too.

A little background about me: I am 27, married, no children and am the daughter of alcoholic parents.

My parents have been drinking since I was a baby. Since my sister was a baby. Little sis’ remembers a lot more than I do, which is strange, since I am the oldest. She remembers the two of us with our long blond hair and matching outfits crying confused in a corner as my mom, a usually passive drunk, stood in front of us screaming at my father, an angry, scary drunk. Our home was filled with threats, physical abuse (not at us, I don’t think) and harsh words to never be unspoken.

And then things changed…

You see, my parent’s were young, new business owners of a convenient store, restaurant and bar, all operating one block from our trailer house in the park. And one night, I remember my dad agreeing to our request to sleep outside on the picnic bench, the bubbling of laughter erupting in our bellies as we felt elated and spoiled to be doing something so wild. We fell asleep smiling, but awoke to confusion and fear in the form of police lights and an ambulance. My mother had come home drinking, my dad too, I think had left some time and joined her, and there had been hitting, the last one splitting my mother’s lip open. We still didn’t understand what was going on until the next day, after sleeping over at a friend’s house, until we saw my mother in bed; my father crying over her and her stitched up lip, and the word “divorce” was spoken. That’s when we came unglued. Even at our young age, divorce was more terrifying than that alcoholism. We begged and bawled, our five year-old selves crying for them to do anything but divorce. I remember the physical pain felt as though, through that one word divorce, our flesh was being ripped in half.

That was their rock bottom, which brought them to AA and counseling and nearly eight years of sobriety. I am thankful for those years, because it was in those years my dad was a dad: coaching us in softball and basketball, dealing with his anger sober. My mom worked out daily and looked great and cheered us at games. Sometimes they fought, but it was different sober.

What happened after that eighth year I do not know; I just know they succumbed to the drinking again. The harsh words began again, but this time I remembered them, sharp daggers in my heart every time. The incoherent statements telling me to “f*ck off” at three in the afternoon as I screamed and cried while my mother stumbled into the house, the detailed information of their sex life spilled over after one of their drunken fights, the humiliating experience with friends asking if my parents were “wasted”, and the hardest being told it was my fault they were drinking again, that our house has never been a home, because a home is where love is.

Of course, I could go on and on, but writing these facts only serves the darkness, when there is so much light instead.

The light of redemption. A path of a faith that has removed the scales from my eyes so I no longer look through a lens of shame and pain. I look at that young girl I once was, a girl who pulled out her eyelashes and was far too thin and lived with a constant anxiety that formed knots in my stomach, a pain that became my norm. A skeptic, critical girl full of anger and a need to control everything and every person. A girl who lost many friends because I wasn’t much of a friend, didn’t know how to be. A woman who almost lost her beloved husband (then-boyfriend) because he couldn’t stand my constant scrutiny and multitude of insecurities, the biggest one my fear of rejection.

The light for me has been my faith, my guide to a place of peace, of wisdom and of real, everlasting love.

Since that time, I have sat down with my parents, explained to them the pain their alcoholism caused, offered forgiveness and hoped they’d accept it. I had prepared myself for my dad to say “I don’t need your forgiveness” or “well, in that case, I forgive you for being such a difficult child!” But he didn’t. He graciously accepted it and commented that he has seen a change in me, one that he is curious to know more about.

They are still drinking. Often. My mom’s liver isn’t doing so well, and you can see the alcoholism all over the pores on her face, the vessels in her nose a little more purple. She has gained much weight since those sober days. My dad doesn’t take care of himself, often smells bad, is overweight, and his mouth is a dark hole of missing teeth due to improper care.

I have to be honest that until recently, I was still playing the role of savior, the perfect child, the one to look to when things are rough… “oh our daughter, even if life is hard right now, at least she’s got it to together.” Yep, I was a textbook child of alcoholic parents. It wasn’t until a recent visit that I realized, “I cannot do this anymore.” Because I am not perfect, I have struggles. And I need healthy relationships to talk through life.

But I do love my parents. I see my role now is to hope for them, pray for them and most of all, love them, right where they are. Because I am not their drinking; it is not my fault, and I am not their answer. I have learned that.

My parent’s alcoholism is not my fault.

And there is always hope.

There are some marked differences from this story and my Ellie’s situation. First, I do not believe her mother is an alcoholic. Nor do I believe that her father has ever been physically abusive towards her mother, though he is, in my opinion, very emotionally abusive, probably because he is a bully and a coward as well as an alcoholic. I know Ellie’s mother is terrified of her husband. Also, the daughters in the story do not appear to be alcoholics, which is not the case for Ellie at least. I am still hoping that her sister does not fall to the illness that has claimed her father, sister and brother, though that looks less and less likely as time goes on.

One thing my friend Carrie has pointed out is that she sees how one-sided my relationship with Ellie appears to be.

However, everything is not as it seems. Much of what Carrie has read about Ellie is what her addiction to drugs and alcohol has made her do. They were written after Ellie fell ill, and do not show her truly. They are not the sum or a true indication of the status of our relationship though.  Her behavior and actions under the influence of her illness are not a true reflection of what kind of person she is when she is healthy. While she is ill it is difficult for anyone, even me, to see the intelligent, caring, funny and compassionate young woman that I love and that loves me.

Some of these posts were written before I understood what was really going on, before I realized that Ellie was ill and was not really responsible for her actions or behavior–that it was her addictions making her do these things. Some of the anger, confusion and hurt from her actions, as well as the frustration I feel at having to watch the woman I love slowly destroy herself, also has come out in these posts, and that they should be read with that in mind.

A glimpse of who Ellie really is can be seen in some of the things she still does. Last month, as an example, she ran a 5k road race to help raise funds for a local food bank. This is far more like the Ellie I know and love so much. I still see rare glimpses of her and am pretty sure the amazing woman I love is still there someplace, trapped by her illness.

Prior to our falling out over Ellie’s drinking and drug use in late June, there were years of friendship, love, caring, trust and devotion. If our relationship–whether as friends or something more–had always been so one-sided, I doubt I would love her or want to spend the rest of my life with her. She has been there for me over the years, as I have been there for her. We were very good friends and were pretty clearly working towards something more when I confronted her about her drinking.

She has been there for me during some of the more difficult times in my life. She has been a close friend and someone I’ve trusted implicitly for years. We’ve spent many nights talking long hours, until the sun arose behind us. We’ve talked about almost every subject there is, even more so the week after I told her how my feelings for her had changed.

The truth of what our relationship was really like is pretty easily seen in the photos of us together from before her illness became the dominant force in her life. The smiles, affection and love between us, even when we were just friends, is pretty clearly visible and easily contradicts the lies that Ellie’s illness has forced her to tell.

Ellie giving me bunny ears at her 18th birthday dinner at Fire & Ice in Boston, 2010.

Ellie and I after her father capsized our kayak during a kayaking trip on the Bass River with her family and the Garcias in 2008.

A video of Ellie asking me for help while being tickled by her sister Bea and her friend Carmen at the Cape house, summer 2008. I was a bit mischievous and asked her friend to help tickle her instead of helping… but she knows I can be like that. I really wish I had more photos and video of us together, but I don’t, because I never thought I would ever not have Ellie in my life.

Yes, in some ways, our relationship wasn’t perfectly balanced…but that isn’t really a surprise given the difference in our ages and where we are in life. One’s ability to give is limited by the resources one has, and for most of my life I’ve been blessed to have greater resources to draw upon than many of my friends. For most of the time I have known Ellie, my ability to give has been far greater than hers.

If I didn’t know that Ellie loves me as much as I love her, there would be no reason for me to hold to the commitment I have to her. In fact, if I didn’t know she loved me I would have no commitment to her at all, and only do because I know how her true self does feel about me.

It is a point that the only person she has pushed away since succumbing to her illness this past summer was me–the same person she had spent a week discussing marriage, our future together, what she wanted to name our children, and so on. I do not think that is mere coincidence. I fully understand that this is very typical and normal behavior for both alcoholics and drug addicts. Again, this is not truly reflective of how Ellie feels about me as far as I know, but I believe is a result of the embarrassment and shame Ellie feels about her actions as an alcoholic/drug addict, and was likely done because she does love me and care for me, and does not want me to see what her addictions have made her do or become.

I only want the best for Ellie. I love her like no one else I’ve ever known, and I am certain that she is the one that Gee asked me to look for ten years ago. I told her how I felt about her despite all the complications and difficulties I knew we would face because I want nothing more than to start sharing my life with her. I hope and pray every day that Ellie finally realizes that she is ill and that she seeks out the help she needs to return to being her true self, the amazing woman who loves me and that I love.

I risked everything and lost her and her family this past summer because I tried to get her the help she needs. I am waiting for her to ask for my help–for her to ask for me to accompany her on the long road to recovery–because I am committed to her out of the love we have for each other, whether she recognizes that love at the moment or not. My greatest fear is that she has succumbed to her illness and lost who she truly is to her addictions.

For those who have advised me to walk away from Ellie, to find someone else, to move on, I have to wonder. I have known Ellie almost 20 years. We have been very good friends for a third of that time. So, they think I should abandon the 19+ years of friendship, love, caring and devotion I have had towards this amazing young woman because she has been under the influence of her illness for five months? When I look and balance having to fight for her and try to help her, against the backdrop of the 19+ years we have known each other, and then consider that there are still decades to come where she and I could share our lives together as we had discussed this past summer…walking away from her is not an option. I am not only fighting to save her, but to save that future we planned to spend together.

When I first heard One More Day, I was driving Gee’s little Saturn, and nearly drove off the road because of the tears that made seeing the road almost impossible. It sums up what I felt after she died better than any words I could express myself.

This is one of my favorite songs…I believe it came out nine days before Gee died, but I didn’t hear it until a week after her funeral. I wasn’t really a country music fan way back then, and I didn’t listen to much music at the hospital, where spending every moment I could with Gee was the most important thing to me. The nurses were amazing, and they really made a difficult time in my life a lot easier. I think one reason they let me have free reign was because of how devoted I was to Gee and how well I took care of her.

For example, one of the floaters on the Hemo-Onc wing was trying to give me a hard time when I tried to get some ice for Gee. They said it would cost me…so I whipped out my checkbook and asked who to make the check out to and for how much… The regular Hemo-Onc nurses all laughed at the floater and said that I was one of the good guys, and there was nothing I wouldn’t do for Gee. Of course, Gee had told the nurses that I took her last name when we got married, and most of the nurses there, like the ones at her chemo clinic, called me Mr. Gee Kim, a name I wore with great honor.

A few days later, I heard from Woo. She told me about a story that Sang told her. I don’t know whether the story is true or not, but her little sister Sang’s mother-in-law worked at the hospital Gee had been a patient at. Sang’s mother-in-law was visiting Sang and told her this very sad story about how a beautiful young woman had just passed away from cancer. She told Sang about how devoted this woman’s husband was–staying by her side day and night–only leaving to cook meals for her at home and then rushing back to the hospital so that she could have a hot, home-cooked meal instead of hospital food. When she told Sang that the young woman had died of pancreatic cancer. Sang said to her mother, “You know this couple. They’re talking about Gee and Dan. You met them at our wedding in April.”

Sadly, this song would also apply to Ellie in many ways at this point as well. Ellie is the only woman I have ever loved as much or possibly even more than Gee, but I don’t think she realizes the significance of that fact. I don’t even know if the amazing woman who said she loved me so often earlier this year exists any longer. I really don’t know whether she has become a casualty of her illness. I keep in the hope that some of the glimpses I see of the Ellie I love so much, the one who said she loved me, means that she still exists somewhere under her addictions.

So much of the advice I’ve been given has been to forget about her; to move on; to find someone else…and as much as I think the advice is well-intentioned, it isn’t something I can do. I’ve been told she isn’t worth it. I’ve been told that addicts are a lost cause. Yet, Ellie is someone I love–someone who means the world to me–and I can no more give up on her because of her illness than I could have walked away from Gee because she had cancer.

Some of this advice has come from a courageous and amazing young woman, less than a decade older than Ellie, who had been on the same road that Ellie is on now. She has told me that walking away from Ellie and leaving her to make her own decisions–to sink or swim on her own–is the best thing I can do for her. I love and respect this young woman, and am very grateful for her advice, but it really doesn’t apply to me. I am no longer in Ellie’s life by her choice–she has pushed me as far away from her as she could. This is simply the truth.

It started the day I confronted Ellie about her drinking, June 29th, 2011. We went from exchanging virtual hugs and kisses via text message to her saying that I should “Fuck off and lose her number” without us ever having spoken in the course of less than four hours. The key event as far as I can see was my showing concern and asking her not to drink or use the fake IDs she had purchased and shown me. She started lying to her parents, family and friends about me then and hasn’t stopped.

I don’t honestly believe that this is Ellie speaking or her actions, but simply the actions her addictions and illness are forcing her to do. I would point out that Ellie has never accused me of any of the things she has said I have done to my face, and I believe it is because she is not capable of lying to me, someone she has said she loves repeatedly. She is basically an honest person, and I believe she thinks that as long as she hasn’t said these things to me directly, she hasn’t really lied to me–in point of fact, she’d be right, she hasn’t lied to me, only about me so far.

When I have said that I would be there for her if she or her mother should ask for my help, I meant it. As Brad, one of my closest friends, has pointed out–I have loved Ellie for almost 20 years in some fashion. First, as the adorable, if extremely obnoxiously bratty, daughter of two of my close friends. Then as a friend of mine in her own right. Unlike so many of her parents’ friends, I never treated her or her siblings as the children of my friends, but was friends with them on their own merits. Then, finally, as an amazing woman that I realized I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.

Right now, I am waiting to see how she does this semester in college. A large part of her tuition is paid via a merit-based scholarship. If she should lose her scholarship, it is likely to have significant consequences on her ability to afford this school. Considering how important education and attending this particular college are to Ellie, I am hoping that she does poorly enough in classes this semester to lose the scholarship, and that losing the scholarship might be enough of a event for Ellie to finally realize that she does have a drug/alcohol problem, as I have been trying to tell her since this past July. I am praying and hoping that Ellie is smart enough to realize that the trouble she is having academically is directly related to her problems with alcohol and drugs. She didn’t have this much difficulty last year, even though I believe she was taking a heavier class load, five versus four, and was dealing with issues like having a drug dealer for a roommate and a lying, cheating boyfriend.

If she loses the scholarship but doesn’t realize she has a problem or doesn’t do poorly enough to forfeit the scholarship, then it is likely that she will end up having to really hit rock bottom–the hard and ugly rock bottom that most alcoholics and addicts have to hit before they realize they have a problem and can ask for help. Unfortunately, with high functioning alcoholics, like Ellie, this could take decades. If she has to do that, it is far more likely that she will permanently damage her future, injure or damage herself or others, because hitting the real rock bottom may require that she end up in jail, the hospital or living on the street.

Wishing all my family and friends a very Happy Thanksgiving.

May this holiday find all of you happy, healthy and safe. I ask that my beloved weather goddess watch over all of you during your travels this week. May you all have safe journeys to warm hearths and berths this week.

Even though this has been a horrific year for me personally, there is a lot I am still thankful for, and most of that has to do with the amazing people I have for friends and family.

May the holiday season bring happiness and joy to you all. May the New Year be far better than this one was. I know that for me, it pretty much has to be.

As a favor, I would ask you all to pray for Ellie, the woman I love, because as difficult as my year has been, her year has been far worse in many ways, though she doesn’t realize it yet. Please pray for her health and for her recovery.

She is only beginning her journey and has a long and difficult road ahead of her, with far worse to come before it starts to get better. Even after all that has happened this year, one thing I am thankful for is having her in my life, though it may not seem it at times and however difficult it may be to believe.

She is one of the strongest, smartest, wisest, most stubborn and bravest women I’ve ever known–that’s part of why I love her so, but I don’t think she even realizes how amazing she is. I believe in her. I know that the woman that loves me has the intelligence, wisdom, will, strength and courage to get better, but that it will not be easy, even for her. But, I do not know if she has the self-confidence to do so. I believe she has been using alcohol and drugs to self-medicate and try and “treat” her self-doubts and insecurities.

She may need to hit rock bottom before her strength, courage, intelligence, wisdom and will are able to overcome her self-doubts and insecurities. Something may have to happen to cause her stubbornness and feisty temper to kick in and make her fight to save herself. I have been praying that she hits rock bottom as softly and quickly as possible to reduce the risk of her permanently damaging herself, someone else or her future in the process of falling.

She is not her illness and the actions and behaviors her illness has made her do this past year are not truly hers. This is why I forgive her for the horrific things she has said and done since she fell ill. Her illness doesn’t change how I have come to feel about her or what she has come to mean to me. I will not abandon her when just when she needs me most, even if she doesn’t realize it.

We love who we love. Reason does not enter into it. In many ways, unwise love is the truest love. Anyone can love a person because. That’s as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love someone despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect.

–Kvothe in The Wise Man’s Fear, by Patrick Rothfuss.

That is how I love Ellie. I KNOW who she is–I have seen the worst she can be and know her flaws, and love her despite them. She is not perfect, but when she is healthy, she is perfect for me. In any case, I love this imperfect woman perfectly.

Of course, I have loved her all her life in some form. I have cared for her all her life. I have been her protector, adviser, confidante and one of her closest friends for much of the last decade, as I was asked to be by her parents. I have always been there for her, and she knows it. I have always been her greatest fan and biggest supporter, and always believed in her. I have always tried to help her reach her goals and succeed in accomplishing her dreams.

Despite what her father has wished to happen, I have never stopped caring for her, loving her or being her friend, regardless of the lies they have told, the horrific things she has done or whether she recognizes the truth of it or not.

Earlier this year, WHEN I SAID I love her and when she told me she loved me in two different languages, I made a commitment to her that I cannot break. I will abide by that commitment and help her if she should ask me for it.

Happy Anniversary Gee.

I wish you were still here. It is hard to believe that you’ve been gone for over ten years now…and that it has been 11 years since I was lucky enough to marry you. It is even harder to realize that you’ve been gone for more than five times as long as we were together. I miss you every day.

I was truly blessed for the time we had together and for all that you have taught me about being a better person, a more gracious person and a more forgiving person. I was very fortunate to have you in my life, even for as brief a time as I did.

Asking you to marry me was one of the best decisions in my life. I don’t regret a single moment with you, but just wish we had been given more time together.

This day, 11 years ago, was the most amazing day in my life. The joy and happiness we had together, even in spite of your illness was immeasurable and unmatched by most couples. You looked amazing that day, and I was so happy I was able to keep my promise to you about your weight and your wedding gown.

Gee and Dan dancing at their wedding, 4 Nov 2000.

As Woo said in her first e-mail to me, “Yet we get to know her, love her and be loved by her, how privileged are we?” It is still the best description of what you were like that I have ever known.

Thank you for being my weather goddess, for the amazing weather that we had this October and for watching over me, my friends/family and your namesake, s/v Pretty Gee. I don’t know how you did it, but somehow you’ve managed to keep the promise that you made to me on the day we got engaged, and I can feel your presence in my life everyday.

I am pretty sure that I’ve found the woman you asked me to seek out ten years ago. One reason I am so sure that Ellie is the one you asked me to look for is that when I told her how I felt and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, her first thoughts were of you. She also told me she wished she had had a chance to meet you and regrets not having done so.

I know you would like her and approve of her. She’s smart, she’s stubborn, she’s funny, and she is beautiful. She makes me smile and laugh like only you could previously. Like you, she’s one of the few people in my life that can keep up with me and keeps me on my toes mentally. Unfortunately, she has an illness and doesn’t even realize it.

Ellie and Dan at her birthday dinner at Fire and Ice in 2010

If you could help her see that she needs help, and help her return to being herself, rather than what her addictions are making her, I could keep my final promise to you–that I re-marry after finding someone I love enough and who loves me. In any case, watch over her and protect her from herself and her illness if you can.

Be well my love, and watch over me as you have done for the past decade. I love you always and know that mere death is no barrier to a love as strong and true as ours.

I hope all my family and friends, especially my little one, had a safe and Happy Halloween. I hope you got the treats you deserve and not too many tricks.

Unfortunately, I think my beautiful Irish lass skipped her classes today, because she posted about tricking her professors and treating herself by skipping her classes.

Ellie did look amazingly beautiful in her sexy firefighter costume though…too bad she isn’t smiling one of her real smiles. Then again, I haven’t seen her smile a real smile in any of her photos since June.

This is dedicated to Ellie, my beloved tiny dancer. I hope she eventually remembers who she really is and that I love her very much. I hope she can remember the truth of what we have been to each other–the years we have cared for each other, been friends, and loved each other.

Part of me, the part that loves her very much, hopes she did well on her mid-term exams.

Part of me, the part that wants her to get better soon, hopes she did terribly, so that she might finally see that she does have a problem and seek help for herself.

I don’t believe she will ever understand what her drug/alcohol addiction has been doing to her until she hits rock bottom in some way. The sooner that happens, the better her chances of recovering and getting healthy, and the less likely it is that she does permanent damage to herself, someone else or her future.

Some reasons I feel she may not do well on her mid-terms are because of the following things I have noticed.

Some of her recent tweets seem to show her being less than prepared for her classes than I would expect from her, given how important school is to her. It also appears that she has intentionally missed classes that she should have been able to attend. Not too surprising since she previously tweeted about wanting to “skip” classes–but this is unusual for her, a normally studious woman.

Ellie doesn’t seem to be working as much as she normally would. She seems to be working fewer hours and shorter shifts than she did in the past. Most notably, she didn’t work as much as I would have expected on the recent three-day holiday weekend. Given the cost of her tuition and that she was denied a loan at the beginning of this semester, I am very surprised that she isn’t working as much as she possibly can.

Another concern is that she appears to be having problems finding the time to do her schoolwork. Recently, she tweeted that she was up until almost 0600 working on her homework, yet needed over five hours the following night as well. Yet, this was a weekend where she worked fewer shifts than normal from what she tweeted–and she should have had more than ample time without staying up until nearly dawn. I have to wonder where all that time went and what she was doing during it.

A last concern is one I mentioned in a previous post. It appears that her increased drug use may be affecting her in her classes. Last year there were almost no tweets about alcohol, drinking, using drugs or the effects of such. This year, she has mentioned doing drugs, drinking or commented about the effects of either regularly. Yet, as of now, she doesn’t think she has a problem, even though it appears to be affecting her in class.

Regardless of when and how she hits rock bottom, I will be here, waiting for her, and will help her if she makes her amends and asks me for my help. I will walk the long road to recovery with her, if she wants me by her side.

I will hold her until she realizes that she never needs to be alone again. I will show her that she is loved just because she is herself–warts and all. I will catch her if she should stumble or fall. I will help guide her when she feels lost or confused. I will protect her and guard her when she feels threatened or scared.

I have never stopped caring about her, or being her friend, or stopped loving her–even though she chooses not to recognize these truths at the moment. She is my querencia and mo chuisle mo chroi, and I have loved her most, if not all, of her life in some fashion. I believe that Ellie is the one Gee asked me to seek out a decade ago, just before her death.

Someone I am good friends with asked me why I dread hauling s/v Pretty Gee this year. It has to do with the events this past summer and Ellie.

Ellie, as I have said previously, is my querencia and mo chuisle mo chroi. Respectively, they translate as “home of my heart” and “the pulse of my heart”. I love her more than I love Gee, the amazing and gracious woman I married 11 years ago.

How much and how deeply losing her to her addictions has hurt me is not something most people seem to be able to understand, because they don’t seem to have any idea of what she means to me or how much I love her. I think a big part of the problem is that most people have very different concepts and definitions of what “love” is than I do.

But they weren’t there when we were talking about sharing our lives and spending the rest of our lives together, or when she told me she loves me…both in Korean and English. Many of them don’t even believe she loves me–yet there is no reason for her to have pushed me away or for her to have lied unless she loves me.

Being aboard the boat is the closest thing I have to being home, at least until Ellie gets better. It is the only place I have that I can rest and recover from all the damage that Ellie’s illness and resulting behavior has caused and is continuing to cause.

I am certain Ellie is the woman Gee asked me to find 10 years ago. I am as certain of this as I was of the fact that I was going to marry Gee. I am hoping and praying that Ellie hits rock bottom quickly–before she does permanent damage to herself, her future or anyone else–including me. I hope she gets the help she needs to get better quickly.

Many people don’t approve of my commitment and relationship with Ellie. Well, I would tell them that a relationship with someone so much younger than me isn’t what I would have wanted and isn’t what I would have asked for, but it is what it is. As I read in a book earlier this summer:

“We love who we love…and the unwise love may be the truest love. To love someone because is easy, as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. To love someone despite. To know their flaws and love them despite their flaws, is something that is pure and rare and perfect.”

I love Ellie despite her illness and other flaws–despite all the pain and damage she has caused this year. She isn’t perfect, but I love her perfectly. I believe in keeping my commitments and am loyal to those I love…and I love her more than and have loved her for longer than anyone else I have ever known.

I promised her that I would be there for her….and plan on keeping that commitment. It would be so much easier, simpler and less painful if I didn’t love her as I do–if I could walk away from her and ignore the commitments that I have made to her and her family. But I can not do that and still be me.

There was an interesting article based on a research study about Facebook posts. Apparently, there is a fairly good correlation between people who post photos or write posts about being drunk or doing dangerous activities while drunk and warning signs that they may have problems with alcohol abuse. The article was based on a research study by researchers from University of Wisconsin-Madison and the University of Washington in Seattle .

From the article:

About two-thirds of those students had no references to alcohol or drinking on their pages. The rest of the pages mentioned or had pictures of social, non-problematic drinking or more serious and risky alcohol use, including riding in a car while drunk or getting in trouble related to drinking.

The researchers brought all the students in for a 10-question screening test used to determine who is at risk for problem drinking. That test assesses the frequency of drinking and binge drinking as well as negative consequences from alcohol use.

Close to six in ten of the students whose Facebook pages had references to drunkenness and other dangerous drinking scored above the cutoff showing a risk for alcohol abuse and dependence, as well as other drinking-related problems.

That compared to 38 percent of students who had more minor references to alcohol and 23 percent of those who didn’t mention alcohol or drinking at all, according to findings published in the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine.

In addition, close to one in five Facebook-implicated risky drinkers said they had an alcohol-related injury in the previous year.

That means that almost 60% of the people posting about heavy drinking or other risky drinking-related behaviors were shown to be at risk by the screening test, and that 12% of those same people had an alcohol-related injury in the previous year.

This is actually not news to me, since I spent a good portion of this past summer using social networking websites, including Facebook and Twitter, to document the serious illness that afflicts the woman I love. I tried to get this information to her mother, but her father has blocked any possibility of doing that, primarily because he is an alcoholic in denial himself. While this study specifically only mentions Facebook, I would guess that the correlation is probably fairly similar for other social networking websites, like Twitter.

While my documentation of her illness for her mother refers to many of her social networking website posts, I also drew heavily on the conversations that she and I had over the past few years, as well as personal observation of changes in her behavior, attitudes and actions.

One common action that addicts do is to push away the people they love. That said, I’d point out that the rift between Ellie and me only occurred after I had confronted her about her drinking on June 29th, and I do not believe that she would have worked so hard to push me away if she did not love me and care for me deeply. If she didn’t care about me she would have no reason to push me away, and the triggering event was pretty clearly my confronting her about her drinking that day. She went from accepting virtual kisses and hugs in a text message to telling me to “lose her number and fuck off” in less than a four hour span–during which we never even spoke or saw each other. This is clearly not normal behavior.

Consider that for the week prior to my confronting her about her drinking–we had been talking about: marriage, spending the rest of our lives together, what she wanted to name the children, the fact that she adored Asians with freckles, my converting to Catholicism as part of marrying her; and she wanted to see the claddagh ring I had bought her–it stands to reason that she would not want me to see what she was doing as an alcoholic and a drug addict. I think that she did not want me to see her getting drunk, driving drunk, getting high, using drugs, or the other risky and dangerous behaviors and actions her illness was forcing her to do.

Unfortunately, it also looks like my worst fears are slowly coming to pass, as she has been drinking or getting high a lot more often than she was at this time last year. This past weekend, she was getting high or drunk or both on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights from what she has posted. It is also likely she was getting high on Sunday night, since she was complaining about “cottonmouth” during a class on Monday.

It also appears that her drug use and drinking may be beginning to affect her school work as well, since she recently tweeted about not being prepared for an exam, which is highly unusual for the very intelligent and studious young woman I love. She has also mentioned thinking of skipping classes as well, which is very much out of character for her, as seriously as she takes her education. Neither of these is good, as she is on a merit-based scholarship and depends on it to pay for a large portion of her tuition, and if her grades drop or she is caught drinking or using drugs, it is very likely that she will lose that scholarship and not be able to afford her tuition.

She also has been complaining a lot about the side-effects of her drug use and drinking, like suffering with “cottonmouth”, which wasn’t the case in the previous year. She also seems to be more anxious and less emotionally secure from reading her tweets. Of course, it is very likely that she is using marijuana and alcohol to self-medicate instead of getting proper help for herself.

Almost two years ago, I was asked to talk with her brother about his chronic depression and his alcohol and drug abuse problems, by their mother. His problems had caused him to drop out of college, and were serious enough to put him in the hospital. I believe that the treatment that her elder brother is undergoing for his depression is the main reason he has not really suffered from the alcoholism and drug addiction, which were clearly a problem for him previously. I do not believe that he really believes that he has a drug or alcohol abuse problem, and he appears to be in denial about his illness. He won’t even consider whether his sister has the same problems that he does, and his denial of that has forced him to break off our friendship of years.

Denial is very common in the family of High Functioning Alcoholics. It is often easier to deny the problem for them than to accept the stigma and guilt associated with admitting that their loved one is an alcoholic. For her mother, admitting that Ellie is an alcoholic/drug addict would force her to admit to failing as a parent. For her brother and father, it would require that they confront their own illnesses before they could admit she is ill–and I do not believe either of them is capable of doing that. I do not believe anyone has told her little sister what is going on with Ellie, since Ellie’s parents and brother are all in denial, keeping her little sister in the dark is probably the easiest course of action for them.

The fact that Ellie is able to keep a job and is doing fairly well in college currently, helps her family maintain the illusion that she is well. I’d would guess that her parents and brother really aren’t following or paying attention to what Ellie is posting on the social media websites. While I can’t see what she has been posting on Facebook, I do see what she is posting on other websites, and it is still pretty clear that she is still drinking and doing drugs on a very regular basis.

I pray for Ellie every day. I pray for her to find the strength and courage to fight her illness and ask for help. I pray for her to recover. I pray for her to remember I love her despite her illness and the things she has done this past summer. The longer her illness continues, the stronger it gets and the less likely it is that she will recover before she does permanent damage to herself, her future, or someone else, and the less likely it is that she will return to being the amazing woman I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.

Ellie, if you are reading this, I hope you can remember this—

I will be here if and when you need my help. I love you—I always have and always will. I care about you—I always have and always will. I am still your friend—even if you choose not to admit it or recognize it—I always have been, and always will be. I have been here for you your entire life…and I’m not going anywhere.

I have cared for you all your life. I have loved you in some form all of your life. I have guided you, protected you and mentored you at the request of your parents for years. I have been your friend for years. All you have to do to see the truth of these statements is look at the photos of us, like this one from 2006, when you, your brother and Dave went sailing with me on s/v Pretty Gee:

Ellie and Dave out sailing on the s/v Pretty Gee on 2006 July 16.

or this one from that same trip, where you borrowed my polar fleece because you were cold:

Ellie sleeping on the companionway, under the dodger in a fleece shirt she borrowed from me.

and this one from 2008, one of the many nights we stayed up all night talking. You wanted to walk to the park in the early morning hours, and I gave you the fleece cape you’re wearing because you were cold:

Ellie wearing the fleece cape I gave her, 2008 Aug 24 at 0344.

and this one from later that summer, when Carmen’s family came to visit and your family, Carmen’s family and I went kayaking on the Bass River—you and I were partners and this was taken after your father had flipped our kayak over:

Ellie and me kayaking on the Bass River with her family and Carmen's.

or these two from your birthday at Fire & Ice in 2010, after you text messaged me to make sure I would be there:

Ellie and me at Fire & Ice for her 18th birthday in 2010

Ellie giving me bunny ears at Fire & Ice on her 18th birthday

These are the truths of our relationship and what you and I have been to each other—not the lies you have been telling this summer. I hope you can remember this when you finally reach out for help. I will always be here for you, because I always have been and have loved and cared for you all your life.

You said you loved me on June 22nd, after I told you how I my feelings for you had changed. You told me you loved me in both Korean and English repeatedly the following week. We had been talking about our future together, possibly getting married, having children, and spending the rest of our lives together. You wanted to see the claddagh ring I had bought for you. You would not have lied as you have or pushed my away so strongly if you did not truly love me. Is it any real wonder that you pushed me away after we talked about these things, when I confronted you about your drinking?

I pray that you realize that you are ill and need help. I pray that you find the courage and the strength to seek the help you need. I pray you realize that I have never been anything but your friend and have never done anything but love you and care for you. I believe you have a way to fall before you hit rock bottom, and that you won’t seek help until you do hit rock bottom. I pray that nothing you do or nothing that happens to you will be something that you regret for the rest of your life. I pray that my angels and God watch over you, my beloved, until you are back by my side.

As I have said many times this past summer, I know your road to recovery will be long, difficult and fraught with dangers you can’t even imagine. But you do not have to travel that long road alone. If you should but ask me to, I will walk it with you—supporting you if you should stumble, helping you stand up if you should fall, protecting you, guiding you, and loving you for the rest of my life, as I have done much of your life prior to this summer.

It is now up to you. I am leaving you in God’s hands…and pray for your recovery and await your return. I WILL BE HERE if you should need or want my help. I will not break the commitment I made to you this past summer. I love you and still do want to spend the rest of my life with you. Though I have told you this before, my love for you is stronger and deeper than even the love I had for Gee—I do not say this lightly—but I do not believe you truly understand what that means.

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you’re lost
But you’re not lost on your own,
You’re not alone

I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
and you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won’t let go

It hurts my heart to see you cry
I know its dark this part of life
Oh it find us all and we’re to small
to stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
and you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won’t let you fall

Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won’t let you down
It won’t get you down
You’re gonna make it
I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
and you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won’t let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
and I won’t let go
Won’t let you go
No I won’t