Adrift at Sea —Dan’s blog on dankim.com

Every woman deserves a man who calls her “Baby” and kisses her like he means it. Every woman deserves a man who holds her like he never wants to let go; doesn’t cheat or lie; wipes her tears when she cries; doesn’t make her jealous of other women and makes other women jealous of her—someone who isn’t scared to let his friends know how he really feels about her and lets her know how much he really loves her.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley already has someone who believes this and loves her beyond measure—me. Most women never find someone who loves them this much and would be willing to brave any hazard to be with them or go through the things that I have for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. Most men would have walked away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley because of her addictions, like many men would have walked away from Gee because of her cancer.

I have known Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and loved, cared for, and been friends with her all of her life. I have guided her, mentored her, protected her and believed in her all of her life—first as a friend of her parents, two people I have considered family for over a decade when she was born, then as her friend in my own right, and finally as the man who loves her and wants to marry her.

It was her addictions, caused by the doubts, fears and insecurities the years of emotional and verbal abuse her father subjected her to left behind, that made her throw away two decades of love, friendship, caring, devotion, trust, loyalty and honesty.

I never walked away—her addictions pushed me away.

I never stopped believing in the amazing woman that loves me—her addictions made Lauren Elizabeth Kelley stop believing in herself.

This is the truth. It was never God’s Plan or Will for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to become a drug-addicted alcoholic. If it isn’t God’s Plan, whose Plan does she think it is?

I pray and hope every day that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will find the strength and courage to face her fears and fight her addictions. I pray and hope every day that she will find the grace she needs to love herself, trust herself and believe in herself once again. I hope and pray that she will finally love herself enough and trust herself enough to follow her heart home to me.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is home from school for the summer and I hope and pray that instead of falling deeper to her addictions, she will finally realize all that the drugs and alcohol are costing her—in terms of her health, her body, her mind, financially, and in terms of her future and us.

I have stayed thus far because I have such deep faith and trust in the woman I love—the amazing red-headed freckled Irish woman that loves me and told me “Sarangheyo”. But, if I ever decide that she is a victim of her addictions and that nothing of her remains besides the drug-addicted alcoholic that has lied about us and prostituted herself for the drugs and alcohol her addictions require, I will walk away and not look back.

I do not know if or when this will happen, but the longer Lauren Elizabeth Kelley remains nothing more than a drug-addicted alcoholic, the more likely it is to happen. It is really all up to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. She may have to hit rock bottom before Lauren Elizabeth Kelley sees what her addictions are costing her. But, by the time Lauren Elizabeth Kelley does that, it may be too late for us.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is strong, beautiful, smart and capable beyond all measure regardless of what her father has told her all of her life. I know this because I know who she truly is. It is up to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley now. The ball is in her court and she has to decide what she wants for herself.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley can stay the drug-addicted alcoholic, much as her father has been an alcoholic all of his life, at least the 30+ years I have known him. But, that likely means she will be limited to being something so much less than what Lauren Elizabeth Kelley should be. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will likely be stuck in abusive relationships like the one her father and mother have—where she is terrified of the man she has married and who is supposed to love her—much like the one she had with Jarrod—where he used her and then threw her away.

Is that what Lauren Elizabeth Kelley really wants? I know it isn’t because years ago, I talked with my beautiful friend—the girl she once was growing up—and she told me her dreams and hopes and fears. I have always tried to help her make her dreams come true, help her reach her goals and help protect her from her fears—all of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s life.

Please come home soon. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley you are mi querencia and mo chuisle mo chroi.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

I just found out that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is going on a road trip with some of her drinking and drug-using friends.

Mel’s tweet to Sarah, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, Emily and Jessica about their upcoming road trip.

I am kind of concerned about this road trip, since the people she is going with are the same people who let Lauren Elizabeth Kelley stand on a 8″ wide ledge while she was drinking, risking a lethal fall to the ground more than six stories below. These “friends” are also the same people that have been encouraging Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to drink and do drugs.

I realize my worst fears are because my own twin was killed on a road trip when he was not much younger than Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is right now. He had far more experience with long road trips than Lauren Elizabeth Kelley does and did not have the problems with alcohol and drugs Lauren Elizabeth Kelley does. I pray that my guardian angels, Gee, Shelley and David, watch over my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and guard her from all harm, even that she would bring upon herself.

One of Lauren’s Instagram photos, showing her and a friend drinking, most likely on the rooftop of a dormitory at Emmanuel College. Lauren is standing on an eight-inch wide ledge and risking a fall to her death.

Mel is the one that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and Sarah got the bong for as a housewarming gift.

Some tweets from Lauren’s friends, including one showing that Lauren is planning on giving a bong to Mel as a housewarming gift.

Yet, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley really should be spending her summer working to earn money towards her school tuition, board and other costs. Her scholarship and the money her parents have set aside for her doesn’t cover the full cost of her books, tuition and room and board. She used to have to take out student loans to cover the difference, roughly $6000 per semester.

However, since she was coerced into perjuring herself two years ago, she hasn’t had to worry about the missing money. I believe her father has been paying her as part of her perjuring herself to protect him from being confronted about his own alcoholism.

I wish Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was able to see the truth about what her father has done to her. He has coerced her into defaming the man she loves. She is protecting the man who emotionally and verbally abused her all of her life. Yet, because her father John Walker Kelley shares her addiction to alcohol and enables her, she has lied about the man she loves.

If and when Lauren Elizabeth Kelley comes to her senses and realizes that she has a problem with drugs and alcohol and finally decides to fight her addictions and face the fears, self-doubts and insecurities that give her addictions the hold they have over her, I hope she can forgive herself for the horrific things she has done and said because of her addictions.

Alcoholism and drug addiction are both diseases that thrive in the dark. They can not stand the light of truth. They have turned one of the most amazing and honest women I have ever known into a chronic, almost pathological, liar and a weak, cowardly, wretched, drug-addicted alcoholic. They have made Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, who was a woman of integrity, morals and values, prostitute herself to Jarrod for five months for the drugs and alcohol her addictions required.

Yet, no one seems to be willing to face the truth about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions to drugs and alcohol. Her father and brother can not because they are both alcoholics in denial and admitting that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has a problem with alcohol or drugs would require them to face their own addictions. Bridget, Lauren’s younger sister, has her own problems including self-mutilating and bulimia, and will likely fall to the same addictions that claimed her father, sister and brother.

Sue, Lauren’s mother, is terrified of her abusive husband and is too frightened to do anything to help her beautiful daughter. I fear that it will take Lauren Elizabeth Kelley hitting rock bottom and ending up in the hospital, jail, or living on the street before Sue will be able to take any action towards helping Lauren. That is what happened with Johnny Jr., Lauren’s brother, when he flunked out of Bentley College four years ago and ended up in the hospital after nearly being arrested several times. He was lucky to get help for his chronic depression, which was the underlying cause of his problems with drugs and alcohol.

I will keep praying for my beautiful and much loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I still hope that she will finally realize all that her addictions have cost her and finally decide to face her fears and fight her addictions. I hope that she will once again become the amazing woman that loves me and that she will come home to me so we can start on the future we once talked about.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

There was a very honest, brave and amazing post on the Huffington Post website. The post was by Christina Huffington, Arianna Huffington’s daughter, a drug-addicted alcoholic in recovery.

Like my beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, Christina Huffington started using drugs and alcohol as a young woman. She is only a couple of years older than Lauren and finally confronted her addictions when she was 22. This is what she wrote:

On March 4th, 2012, I was having trouble breathing. “Am I going to be okay?” I asked the nurse who was monitoring my heart rate. “I don’t know,” she said. “If you are, I hope you stop destroying your life.”

It was not the first time substance abuse had landed me in the emergency room. But, though I didn’t know it then, it would be my last.

This is not a ‘drunkalogue.’ It is not a retelling of my wildest nights and most desperate days because, in the end, every addict’s story is the same. At first, the substance — whether it’s drugs or food or sex or alcohol — works perfectly. It erases the boy who broke your heart, drowns out the voices saying you will never be enough, numbs the fear that suffocates you — until, first slowly and then all at once, it stops working and all you’re left with is pain a hundred times worse than what you were trying to forget.

Addicts are everywhere. Sometimes they’re easy to spot — we hurry past them on the street, our heads down to avoid their wild eyes — and sometimes they live among us unseen. Even as I pulled away from my closest friends, even as my clothes hung off of my shrinking frame, even as I stopped going to class, I more or less kept things together. I knew how to smile, how to comb my hair and put on mascara, how to say ‘oh yes everything is just fine’ and how to turn the conversation back to you and away from me.

Yes, friends and family members were increasingly worried as my behavior became more and more erratic, as I stopped answering my phone and as my grades began to slip. My mom made unannounced visits to my college to ‘check in’ and suddenly New Haven was ‘on the way’ to everywhere. But if addicts know how to do anything well, it’s how to lie. We know how to warp your words so that somehow you are the one in the wrong. “You’re projecting,” I would cry. Conversations that began with a friend expressing concern would end with friends apologizing to me.

And anyway, good girls are not cocaine addicts.

By the time I left the emergency room last March, sedated and crying in the backseat of my mom’s car, I was tired. Tired of lying, of hiding, of spending days in bed with the blinds closed as my classmates loved and learned and lived their lives. I was tired of making my little sister cry and tired of brushing off her pleas to get help. I couldn’t do it anymore. So a few days later I sat in a therapist’s office and, for the first time in a long time, I told the truth.

The desire to escape began long before I picked up my first drink or took my first drug. The moment I learned to read at six, I developed a distaste for reality. My parents’ divorce was happening to someone else. My difficulties in school and with making friends ceased to be as painful. If I had a book to disappear into it didn’t matter that I had no one to play with at recess.

As I grew up and it became clear that I couldn’t control what world I lived in, I tried instead to control my emotions. Food was the first drug I used to numb myself. I lived eight years of my life, from 14 to 22, believing, really believing, that nothing could hurt me if I was thin. When something did hurt me I stood in my darkened kitchen and stuffed myself with sleeves of cookies and pints of ice cream and loaves of bread to quell the pain.

And then I found cocaine.

The first time I tried it was perfect. One line erased my doubts, my fears and my insecurities. I was euphoric. Gone was the girl who wanted to crawl out of her skin and in her place was the confident, beautiful girl I always wanted to be. For six years, I chased that high on and off, but I never found it again. Instead I found self-hatred. I found pure selfishness. I found bloody noses, heart palpitations and paranoia. I found myself alone on my knees at 6 am searching for that one last hit.

Writing this blog a year ago would have been impossible, because of the shame and the deep guilt I felt about being an addict. I have never been abused or neglected. I didn’t grow up in an alcoholic home. I have been blessed with an unconditionally loving family and I have been given every opportunity to thrive. Why then? Why cause the people who love me so much pain? Why be seemingly intent on throwing it all away?

The honest answer is: I don’t know. What I do know — and I have grappled with this over the past 13 months — is that addiction is a disease. It is progressive, it can be fatal and it can touch anyone.

I was scared to publish this piece. To some degree, I still am. I am scared of the commenters. I am scared of the inevitable “first world” and “poor little rich girl” comments. I am scared of being called self-obsessed, of being told to look outside myself, to get a grip on the real problems in this world.

I know all this. I know that people live lives a thousand times more difficult and devastating than what I am describing here.

But this is what I also know: addiction lives in darkness, it feeds off our secrets and it thrives in the shadows. My life as it is today was unthinkable thirteen months ago. Yes, I mean the particulars — I have a steady job and healthy, loving relationships — but more than that I’ve learned to be vulnerable. I’ve learned how to apologize and how to forgive. I’ve learned how much strength it takes to let go. If writing this can help one person feel a little less alone, if it encourages one person to ask for help, if it allows one person to know that no matter how hopeless it feels right now, it can get better, then that is enough.

Not long ago, I went to see a foreign film at a downtown theater that specializes in showing obscure movies that no one’s ever heard of. The German nurse on the screen was talking to a young girl as she attempted to administer a shot. “It will hurt terribly but you’ll be fine,” she told her patient. Remember that. It may hurt terribly but you will be fine.

I think the most important part of what Christina wrote is:

But this is what I also know: addiction lives in darkness, it feeds off our secrets and it thrives in the shadows. My life as it is today was unthinkable thirteen months ago. Yes, I mean the particulars — I have a steady job and healthy, loving relationships — but more than that I’ve learned to be vulnerable. I’ve learned how to apologize and how to forgive. I’ve learned how much strength it takes to let go. If writing this can help one person feel a little less alone, if it encourages one person to ask for help, if it allows one person to know that no matter how hopeless it feels right now, it can get better, then that is enough.

I hope and pray that my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is still reading what I write on this blog or on Facebook and other social media websites. I hope she can see enough of herself and what her addictions have been putting her through in what Christina wrote to realize that she does have a problem with drugs and alcohol and to finally seek help.

I hope she can seek help before she hits rock bottom as so many addicts and alcoholics have to do because I fear that she may get injured or killed before she hits rock bottom. This is especially true for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley because I fear she is a high-functioning alcoholic and drug addict much like her own father and that hitting rock bottom may take years, if it happens at all.

As long as Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is a drug-addicted alcoholic, she can never become the person God has intended for her to be or really love herself, trust herself or believe in herself. Her addictions are driven by the fears, insecurities and self-doubts caused by the years of emotional and verbal abuse her father subjected her to.

I fear that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has clearly given up to her fears, insecurities and self-doubts. She has allowed them to turn her into a pathetic drug-addicted alcoholic that would turn her back on her integrity, morals and values to prostitute herself for months for the drugs and alcohol her addictions crave, and to lie about the man she loves and throw away twenty years of love, friendship, devotion, caring, trust, honesty and loyalty.

It is frightening that one of the strongest, smartest, bravest and most stubborn women I have ever known could sink so low and give in to her fears the way Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has. I wish she would find the courage, strength and will to face her fears and fight her addictions. I wish she would find the grace to love herself, trust herself and believe in herself. I wish she would find the wisdom to see the truth of my words and what her addictions have cost her and what they have made her say and do.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—

Please face your fears, fight your addictions and come home to me my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

The National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence has a post on Family History and Genetics and how they are major factors for addiction.

Family History and Genetics

Why do some people become addicted to alcohol and drugs and others do not?

Whether a person decides to use alcohol or drugs is a choice, influenced by their environment–peers, family, and availability. But, once a person uses alcohol or drugs, the risk of developing alcoholism or drug dependence is largely influenced by genetics. Alcoholism and drug dependence are not moral issues, are not a matter of choice or a lack of willpower. Plain and simple, some people’s bodies respond to the effects of alcohol and drugs differently.

FACT: The single most reliable indicator of risk for future alcohol and drug problems is FAMILY HISTORY.

Research has shown conclusively that family history of alcoholism or drug addiction is in part genetic and not just the result of the family environment. And, millions of Americans are living proof, based on personal, firsthand experience, that alcoholism and drug addiction run in families.

Plain and simple, alcoholism and drug dependence run in families.

What do we mean by family history?: Although the definition of “family history” has differed among researchers, we mean when either or both of the person’s parent has had an alcohol or drug problem.

What About Genetics and Disease?: Genes provide the information that directs how our bodies respond at the cellular level. Research indicates that over 99% of our genes are the same and the 1% that are different account for visible differences (hair color, height, etc.) and invisible differences, such as our risk of diabetes, heart disease or addiction to alcohol or drugs.

Our Health: NOT Nature vs. Nurture BUT, Nature and Nurture:

Individual health is the result of the interaction between genes and environment. As an example, our risk of developing high blood pressure is influenced by both genetics and environment, including diet, stress, and exercise.

Genetically Complex: Some diseases, like sickle cell anemia or cystic fibrosis, are caused by an error in a single gene. However, most diseases, like alcoholism and drug dependence, are considered genetically complex and involve variations in a number of different genes.

“Alcohol dependence and dependence on other drugs frequently co-occur, and strong evidence suggests that both disorders are, at least in part, influenced by genetic factors. In recent years, researchers have identified numerous genes as affecting risk for dependence on alcohol and drugs. These include genes involved in alcohol metabolism as well as in the transmission of nerve cell signals and modulation of nerve cell activity.”

From “The Genetics of Alcohol and Other Drug Dependence,” by Danielle M. Dick, Ph.D., and Arpana Agrawal, Ph.D.

Twin Studies and Adoption Studies: Is Alcoholism Inherited

“Relatives of alcoholics have higher rates of the disease than do relatives of non-alcoholics. But is this nature or nurture? Perhaps some of each, but let’s look at the evidence for heredity.

“Twin studies offer a chance to compare the influence of genetics versus environment. Identical twins (one-egg twins) share exactly the same set of genes while fraternal twins (two-egg twins), like ordinary siblings, share only one-half their genes. A higher rate of concordance (similarity) between identical twins compared with fraternal twins would argue for heredity. In other words, how often are both twins affected together rather than only one. The evidence favors heredity with figures like 60% (identical) versus 39% (fraternal) in one Scandinavian study.

“Even more interesting are the results from adoption studies. When adopted in infancy and studied into adulthood, sons of alcoholics were 4 times as likely to be alcoholic as were sons of non-alcoholics. And this risk was not affected by the alcoholism status of the adopted parent!

“Certainly heredity cannot account for all causation in alcoholism but in that manner it is much like diabetes or heart disease that also have an inherited component.”

This article is important for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, the woman I love, because both of her parents come from families with a history of alcoholism and drug addiction. From what I understand, her father’s family has 60–70% rate of problems with drug addiction or alcoholism, including Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s father, who has been an alcoholic for the 30+ years I have known him. Her mother’s family is less badly affected, around 40–50%, including an uncle that died in an alcohol-and-drug-fueled car crash. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s older brother is also a drug-addicted alcoholic.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is a drug-addicted alcoholic and I hope and pray that she will realize that she has problems with both drugs and alcohol before her addictions get her seriously injured or killed, or seriously damage her health, body, mind or future.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—

“You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they’re as dull as a brick? Then there’s other people, when you meet them you think, “Not bad. They’re okay.” And then you get to know them and… and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality’s written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.”

~Amy Pond, The Girl Who Waited.

In so many ways, that really describes you Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. When I first met you, you were an adorable, if tempermental child. I loved you because you were the child of two of my closest friends—people I considered family for over a decade when you were born. As you grew up, I realized you were an amazing and beautiful person and lovable because of who you were in your own right and my friend.

Finally, almost two years ago, you had grown and changed so much and my love for you had grown and changed as you had, and I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this beautiful and amazing woman—one of my best friends in the entire world and someone I never expected to love as much as I love you.

I did not know you were an alcoholic or a drug-addict when I asked you to marry me. You had done such a good job of keeping your addictions hidden from everyone, even your own family. They didn’t know until I told them—something you tried to prevent from happening with the lies you started telling the day I confronted you about your drinking.

Do you think it is any coincidence that you stopped speaking to me, the man you said you love dozens of times since I asked you to marry me, on the day that I confronted you about your drinking? You’re far too intelligent to believe that. But, then again, you’re far too intelligent to believe the lies you’ve been telling about me—yet, your addictions make you believe.

The look on your face when you carried her… me… her. When you carried her, you used to look at me like that. I’d forgotten how much you loved me. I’d forgotten how much I loved being her.

~Amy Pond

I think you’ve forgotten how much you loved me and how much I love you—that we have always loved each other. If you were to look at the photos of us—you would clearly see two people who love and care about each other—two people who are best of friends and love, trust and believe in each other—two people who make the other laugh and smile. That your addictions made you give up 20 years of love, trust, devotion, caring, loyalty and friendship is very tragic. It is but one of the many things your addictions have cost you.

I wish that you could just see yourself through my eyes for even just a minute. Then you might see all the amazing things about you that I love—your strength, your courage, your beauty, your compassion, your graciousness, your feisty spirit, your stubbornness, your intelligence, your sweetness and kindness, and how lovable you truly are.

If you could see yourself as I see you, I think your fears, self-doubts and insecurities would all fall away as the truly insignificant things they are. If you were to truly face your fear, insecurities and self-doubts—things founded on the years of emotional and verbal abuse your father subjected you to—you would probably realize how much of them are based on his lies and his need to bully someone who is capable of being so much more than he is.

I promised you, your mother Sue and your sister Bridget that I would wait for you—and I have been waiting for you to come to your senses and face your fears and fight your addictions. I have been waiting for you to finally realize all that your addictions are costing you and ask for my company on your long road to recovery. This is who I am and always have been—your number one supporter and the person who has always believed in you.

I am and always have been your friend. I have always loved you and always will because I do not know how to not love you. When I asked you to marry me and share our lives together I meant it—until the last of my days. I know you are the woman Gee asked me to seek out and find. I just wish you would realize it too.

I wish you luck on your finals and hope you do well in school as I always have—even though you failing might be the safest and softest way for you to hit rock bottom. You only have a few more days this semester and I pray for you every day. Be well my beloved Irish rose. I hope you find your way back home to me soon.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

Breaking the Cycles recently posted a link to the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc.’s article on what the signs of drug and alcohol abuse are.

Warning Signs:

The use and abuse of alcohol and drugs are serious issues that should not be ignored or minimized and we should not sit back and hope they just go away. If left untreated, use and abuse can develop into drug dependence or alcoholism. As a result, it is important to recognize the signs and symptoms of alcohol and drug abuse early. If you’re worried that your son or daughter might be abusing alcohol or drugs, here are some of the warning signs to look for:

Physical and health warning signs of drug abuse

• Eyes that are bloodshot or pupils that are smaller or larger than normal.
• Frequent nosebleeds could be related to snorted drugs (meth or cocaine)
• Changes in appetite or sleep patterns.
• Sudden weight loss or weight gain.
• Seizures without a history of epilepsy
• Deterioration in personal grooming or physical appearance.
• Impaired coordination, injuries/accidents/bruises that they won’t or can’t tell you about- they don’t know how they got hurt
• Unusual smells on breath, body, or clothing.
• Shakes, tremors, incoherent or slurred speech, impaired or unstable coordination.

Behavioral signs of alcohol or drug abuse

• Skipping class, declining grades, getting in trouble at school
• Drop in attendance and performance at work- loss of interest in extracurricular activities, hobbies, sports or exercise- decreased motivation
• Complaints from co-workers, supervisors, teachers or classmates
• Missing money, valuables, prescription or prescription drugs, borrowing and stealing money
• Acting isolated, silent, withdrawn, engaging in secretive or suspicious behaviors
• Clashes with family values and beliefs
• Preoccupation with alcohol and drug-related lifestyle in music, clothing and posters
• Demanding more privacy, locking doors and avoiding eye contact
• Sudden change in relationships, friends, favorite hangouts, and hobbies.
• Frequently getting into trouble (arguments, fights, accidents, illegal activities)
• Using incense, perfume, air freshener to hide smell of smoke or drugs
• Using eyedrops to mask bloodshot eyes and dilated pupils

Psychological warning signs of alcohol or drug abuse

• Unexplained, confusing change in personality and/or attitude.
• Sudden mood changes, irritability, angry outbursts or laughing at nothing.
• Periods of unusual hyperactivity or agitation.
• Lack of motivation; inability to focus, appears lethargic or “spaced out.”
• Appears fearful, withdrawn, anxious, or paranoid, with no apparent reason.

Signs and symptoms of alcoholism and drug dependence:

Alcoholism involves all the symptoms of alcohol abuse, but also involves another element: physical dependence- tolerance and withdrawal.

1. Tolerance:

   Tolerance means that, over time, you need more alcohol to feel the same effect. Do you drink more than you used to? Do you drink more than other people without showing obvious signs of intoxication?

2. Withdrawal:

   As the effect of the alcohol wears off you may experience withdrawal symptoms: anxiety or jumpiness; shakiness or trembling; sweating, nausea and vomiting, insomnia, depression, irritability, fatigue or loss of appetite and headaches. Do you drink to steady the nerves, stop the shakes in the morning? Drinking to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms is a sign of alcoholism and addiction.

   In severe cases, withdrawal from alcohol can be life-threatening and involve hallucinations, confusion, seizures, fever, and agitation. These symptoms can be dangerous and should be managed by a physician specifically trained and experienced in dealing with alcoholism and addiction.

3. Loss of Control:

   Drinking more than you wanted to, for longer than you intended, or despite telling yourself that you wouldn’t do it this time.

4. Desire to Stop – But Can’t:

   You have a persistent desire to cut down or stop your alcohol use, but all efforts to stop and stay stopped, have been unsuccessful.

5. Neglecting Other Activities:

   You are spending less time on activities that used to be important to you (hanging out with family and friends, exercising- going to the gym, pursuing your hobbies or other interests) because of the use of alcohol.

6. Alcohol Takes Up Greater Time, Energy and Focus:

   You spend a lot of time drinking, thinking about it, or recovering from its effects. You have few, if any, interests, social or community involvements that don’t revolve around the use of alcohol.

7. Continued Use Despite Negative Consequences:

   You drink even though they know it’s causing problems. As an example, you realize that your alcohol use is interfering with your ability to do your job, is damaging your marriage, making your problems worse, or causing health problems, but you continue to drink.

Unfortunately, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has shown many of the signs listed above. In fact, the ones that are in bold are ones that I have seen in her personally. Yet, she and her family can’t admit she has a problem with drugs and alcohol.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

There was a good article, originally from the Huffington Post website, on how 420 became synonymous with marijuana stoner culture. Alternet republished the article recently and you can read it here.

420 is stoner slang for smoking marijuana, and it certainly looks like Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is toking on a joint.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, the woman I love, had this as her Facebook profile photo for a while. She changed it after I made a comment to the effect that it made her look like a real die-hard stoner. The fact that she chose to use this as her profile photo on a social media website where anyone, including future employers, could see it says a lot about how important marijuana has become to her. The fact that the photo shows her breaking the law in a very public venue doesn’t seem to matter to her at all.

Yet, somehow, even with all the evidence of her dangerous descent into drug use and heavy drinking, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and her family still don’t seem to think that Lauren Elizabeth has a problem with drugs or alcohol.

While marijuana use has been decriminalized to a point in Massachusetts, driving high and/or drunk is still very dangerous and very much a crime. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has been driving high and/or drunk for most of the past two years. Since, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley just turned 21 a couple of weeks ago, she is a bit safer since the legal BAC for her is now 0.08 rather than the 0.02 it was before she turned 21.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

In many ways, the past 22 months reminds me of the time I was waiting because Gee was in a coma about a week before she died. Gee had nearly died from an eroded vein. The vein was one that had been transected during her Whipple operation over a year earlier and when it ruptured, she started bleeding into her stomach. The bleeding was so severe that the hospital had to give Gee 8 units of blood and 12 units of plasma before they could get the bleeding under control and stopped.

After the surgeon got the bleeding stopped, Gee was in a coma. The doctors told me that in many cases of such a severe hemorrhage the patient often succumbs from the trauma. I knew my beautiful Gee was tougher than that and that it was just a matter of waiting for her to return to me. Gee awoke a day later.

That’s what the last 22 months with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has felt a lot like. I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley loves me and that she is one of the smartest, most beautiful, strongest, bravest, most stubborn and feistiest women I have ever known. Lauren Elizabeth is one of the few I think could give Gee a run for her money. And, like Gee, I know Lauren Elizabeth is tougher than the addictions that are currently plaguing her. So, like that time in the hospital, when I was waiting for Gee to come back to me, I feel like the last 22 months I have been waiting for Lauren Elizabeth to come back to me.

I can’t really say why I have such faith in the amazing redheaded Irish woman that loves me, but I do. I have known Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life, loved her all of her life, cared about her all of her life and been her good friend for many years. I probably know who she is better than most of the people she knows, even her own family. In some ways, I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley better than the drug-addicted alcoholic she has become can ever know her true self.

I really don’t think that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions are something that can defeat the stubborn woman I love. I believe in my beautiful, freckled, Irish rose. She has always been a fighter and one of the few people that doesn’t know how to quit. That’s one of the reasons I have always been one of her biggest fans and greatest supporters and always done whatever I could to help her achieve her goals and make her dreams come true. I have always believed in her—even when her own family didn’t.

It is strange waiting for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, the woman that loves me, to return to being her true self. I can see the things her addictions have made her do and say—horrific things and lies about who we are and how we feel about each other that she would never have done or said if she were healthy. I don’t hold what she has done and said because of her addictions against her, because blaming her for them would be like blaming Gee for the complications caused by her cancer.

I know that the good, moral and devout Catholic woman I love will take responsibility for the things her illnesses have made her do and say when she is in recovery and healthy once again. I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will make amends for the actions and lies she has done and said while she has been ill because she knows that it is the right thing to do.

I know and trust Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, the woman that loves me, because I know who she truly is. The drug-addicted alcoholic that prostituted herself for months just to get the drugs and alcohol her addictions require is not truly her.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley told me she loves me and “Sarangheyo” dozens of times during the week we talked about our future together—the one with our children—the Asians with freckles that she adores. I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is too honest a person to say those things or talk about those subjects unless she loved me and wanted to marry me. I also know that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would never have asked to see the claddagh ring I had bought for her unless she intended on accepting it and my proposal.

So I wait. I wait for the beautiful woman I love to find the courage, the strength, and the will to fight her addictions and face her fears. I wait for the woman that loves me to find the grace to love herself, trust herself and believe in herself once again and to follow her heart’s desire.

I pray for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley every day. I miss Lauren Elizabeth Kelley every day. I wait for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

I want Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to realize that she is not to blame for her illness. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley needs to understand that it wasn’t her fault that she turned to drugs and alcohol, but a combination of her insecurities, anxieties, self-esteem issues, heritable genetic vulnerabilities and a lack of care and courage by her mother and years of abuse by her father that led to her addictions.

I wish Lauren Elizabeth Kelley or her mother Sue would read the article titled “Why We Should Treat, Not Blame Addicts Trying to Get ‘Clean’”. I’ve quoted a bit of the article below.

Myth No. 1: Good kids don’t use drugs, bad kids do.

As our children grow up, we — parents, teachers, the culture as a whole — tell them that good kids abstain, bad ones use. Yet 80 percent of America’s children will at least try alcohol or other drugs. Do we really believe that most of our children are bad? As a pediatrician told me: “These aren’t bad kids. They’re our kids.”

By moralizing the choice to use or not, we’re alienating our kids. This isn’t a question of good and bad, it’s a question of health and safety. If we keep this in mind, we can better help our kids grow up without succumbing to drugs and continuing to use, trying new and more dangerous drugs, and even become addicted.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was a good kid and is a good person at heart. I know this because I have had the honor and pleasure of watching Lauren Elizabeth Kelley grow up. She is someone I have known since she was born. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is one of the most amazing young women I know, which is why I asked her to marry me almost two years ago. She is smart, beautiful, strong, stubborn, compassionate, gracious, generous, kind, ambitious, studious, and brave.

Her brother, Johnny Walker Kelley Jr., was also a good kid and mostly a good person at heart. Unfortunately, Johnny is a coward and an alcoholic in denial. These are both traits he learned from his father—whose footsteps he is pretty much following in.

This is pretty obvious if you saw how Johnny Walker Kelley Jr. dumped his girlfriend for no reason at all even though she had stood by him when he was hospitalized for his chronic depression and flunked out of Bentley College. Friends of Johhny’s that he had known since second grade had abandoned him, but his girlfriend of two months stood by and even brought him meals at the hospital and was there visiting almost every day. That gives you an idea of what lack of character and integrity Johnny Jr. has.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley told me the day before I confronted her about her drinking that she had been stealing liquor from her parents’ liquor cabinet and blaming it on her alcoholic brother for almost four years. This means that she started stealing liquor when she was only fifteen and likely had started drinking at even a younger age. In fact, I have a video of a conversation between Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and me from late one night when she was 16 and when I ask her about her drinking she avoids answering the question so as not to lie to me.

Myth No. 2: It’s impossible to prevent drug use. Kids who are going to use are going to use.

We’ve failed to prevent use because we’ve done most things wrong by focusing on drugs as a criminal and moral problem, and on scare tactics and hyperbole. Prevention efforts will be effective when we focus not on “just say no” tactics, but instead address the reasons kids use.

Kids who have drug problems often use drugs as a way to alleviate stress and otherwise help them cope with stressful lives. Kids who experienced trauma are more likely to have drug problems. The list of risk factors goes on: those growing up in poverty or violent neighborhoods, children whose parents divorce or suffer loss, those with addiction, including alcoholism, in their family, young people with ADHD, with learning disabilities, with a host of psychological disorders including depression and bipolar disorder.

We’ll effectively lower or potentially prevent drug use when we address these risk factors and replace them with protective factors.

I know depression was the reason for Johnny Walker Kelley Jr. becoming a drug addict and an alcoholic. I know this because his mother Sue asked me to speak with Johnny when he flunked out of Bentley College a few years ago. His problems with drugs and alcohol suddenly vanished once he was in counseling and treatment for his chronic depression. He had been self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and ended up in the hospital and nearly in jail, when he flunked out of college.

I think Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s problems are either self-esteem or anxiety related, which can be clearly seen in some of her photos. Lauren tends to scratch her head when she is feeling insecure or anxious. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has been the subject of years of emotional abuse, as has her mother, by her father John Kelley. I know, because I have seen him yell, denigrate, belittle and scold both Lauren and her mother Sue over the years.

For years John has told Lauren Elizabeth Kelley she wasn’t smart enough, pretty enough, or good enough. I thought Lauren Elizabeth Kelley had managed to survive his emotional abuse, but I think that Ian’s betrayal of her in January of 2011, when he was caught cheating on her with a young woman not as pretty or as smart as Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, triggered all of her insecurities, anxieties, self-doubts and fears.

It doesn’t help that John Kelley, Lauren Elizabeth’s father, has been an alcoholic in denial for all of the 30+ years I have known him. Granted, John is a relatively high-functioning alcoholic and not a text-book falling down drunk alcoholic, but that makes it all the more difficult for people to see.

Myth No. 3: People who get addicted are weak and without morals.

Addiction is a disease. This isn’t about character. People who think that addicts are weak assume that will power is enough for a person to stop using.

So if weakness isn’t the reason why, when someone’s life is negatively affected by their drug use, why don’t they just stop? It’s because their brains have altered so the new “normal” is the presence of drugs.

Dependence is real, not a choice, biologically rooted, and therefore addicts must be treated. It’s critical that people understand that addiction is a serious illness, usually chronic and progressive and often fatal. Addiction is the cause for 120,000 deaths each year.

I only learned about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions to drugs and alcohol based changes in her behavior, including her pushing away the man she said she loves and spent a week talking with about having children, getting married and spending her life with—me—after I confronted her about her drinking in late June 2011. From her own social media posts, it is pretty clear that she has a serious problem with drugs and alcohol.

This is not really a surprise, given that probably close to 60-70% of her father’s extended family suffers from some sort of substance abuse problem, and that 40-50% of her mother’s family does too. In fact, her father and brother are both alcoholics in denial. It is very likely that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has gotten the strong heritable vulnerability to addiction from both sides of her family.

The progression of her illness has followed the predictions I made back in August 2011, just as I warned her mother they would. Even though Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has cut back on a lot of her drinking and drug use, the risky behavior she exhibits still indicates that she has a problem with drugs and alcohol.

In this recent photo, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is seen standing on the exterior ledge of a building’s roof with a long drop off. The ledge she is standing on is only about 9″ wide or so, and she even admits it is reckless behavior. It is pretty clear that she has been drinking since there is a bottle of whiskey or other hard liquor that has had about a third of it consumed in sitting on the roof’s parapet next to her in the photo.

One of Lauren’s Instagram photos, showing her and a friend drinking, most likely on the rooftop of a dormitory at Emmanuel College. Lauren is standing on an eight-inch wide ledge and risking a fall to her death.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was a devout Catholic with good morals, who was compassionate, generous, gracious and believed in honesty and had integrity. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was also one of the strongest women I knew—stubborn, feisty, strong-willed and spirited—all traits I adored about her.

I don’t hold Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s illness against her and forgive her for the horrific things that her addictions have made her say and do. I can no more hold what her illness has made her do against her than I could have held Gee’s complications from her cancer against her. I also don’t see Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions as a reason to abandon the woman I love.

Myth No. 4: Addicts must hit bottom before they can be treated.

This myth kills addicts. Don’t wait for an addict to hit bottom; do everything you can to get them into treatments. Addicts are often told that they must hit bottom, but they need to know that people who enter treatment can and do get well. Many people die before they hit a bottom. We must reject this archaic belief.

Unfortunately, all I can do is wait for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to hit rock bottom. Because Lauren Elizabeth Kelley had not yet accepted my proposal to her, I have no legal standing to try and get her help. I asked her mother to assist me but Sue is just too terrified of her bully husband, an alcoholic in denial, to help her beautiful eldest daughter.

I am terrified that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will get seriously injured, killed or end up in jail, the hospital or living on the street with the bright future she once had before her destroyed before she hits rock bottom. But, there is nothing I can do but wait and pray that her addictions don’t get her killed or seriously injured.

Here is a photo from a litter over year ago, when Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was drinking and doing drugs most heavily. It was the beginning of 2012 and Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was in a car accident around that time. It is very likely that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was either drunk and/or high when she got into the car accident, but she doesn’t see it as a problem. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley somehow thinks that nothing is wrong, even though she posted this photo of herself to social media.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley posted this after a long night of work, drinking tea with her mother, and smoking weed–in her own words, she said: “Tired af…worked mad, smked mad, shower bathrobe bedtime night *”

Myth No. 7: Marijuana is not addictive. No one’s ever died from marijuana. It’s not a gateway drug. Marijuana shouldn’t be legalized.

Marijuana should be legalized, but not because it’s safe, especially for teenagers and young adults. It should be legalized because we must treat marijuana use like all drug use — as a health issue. The fact that it is illegal just drives using marijuana underground. The last thing we want to do is increase those things by kicking kids out of school or throwing them into the criminal justice system because they were caught smoking pot.

But those who support legalization by saying that pot is harmless — “it’s natural, innocuous” — are also wrong. Marijuana is dangerous for kids. Part of the reason is that their brains are developing during adolescence and early adulthood. Drugs impede and alter the brain development, and these changes can harm cognition and memory, and can impede kids’ emotional maturation.

Marijuana is a gateway drug for some kids who smoke; I’ve never met an addict who started on heroin — it’s always pot and drinking. And marijuana is addictive for about 7 percent of those who try it. Yes, people don’t overdose and die from smoking pot, but those who drive while high are twice as likely to get in car accidents, including ones that are fatal.

Marijuana is addictive. It is pretty clear that marijuana and alcohol have taken over Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s life. Lauren wrote that she didn’t know where the semester had gone in December 2011 and that she was just getting into the swing of school halfway through finals week. It was probably because Lauren Elizabeth Kelley spent most of the semester in a drug or alcohol induced haze—getting high and/or drunk five-to-seven days of the week by her own admission in social media posts.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley once had this photo as her profile photo on Facebook. The photo clearly shows how strongly Lauren Elizabeth Kelley identifies with the stoner culture and how much importance marijuana has gained in her life. The fact that she thought a bong was an appropriate housewarming gift for her friend also speaks volumes about her preoccupation with drugs.

420 is stoner slang for smoking marijuana, and it certainly looks like Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is toking on a joint.420 is stoner slang for smoking marijuana, and it certainly looks like Ellie is toking on a joint.

I am still here. I am waiting to fulfill the promise I made to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, her mother Sue and her sister Bridget almost two years ago. I promised them that if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley needed me to walk beside her on her long road to recovery, I would do so for the rest of my life. Now, given the lies and actions her addictions and her father have made her say and do, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to make amends to me, take responsibility for her actions and words, and tell the truth about whom we have been to each other and how we feel about each other before I can help her. Again, I do not blame her and I forgive her for the horrific lies she has told and the things she has done, but she needs to make amends and take responsibility for them.

I continue to pray for the beautiful, sexy, smart, strong and stubborn Irish woman I love. I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley soon finds the grace to love herself again, trust herself again, and believe in herself once more; the courage to face her fears; the strength and will to fight her addictions and ask for help; and the honesty to see what her addictions have cost her—have cost us—and remember the truth of whom we are to each other and what the two decades of love, friendship, devotion, trust, loyalty and commitment we have shared really means.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

Today is my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s 21st birthday. I wish I could be with her to celebrate it, but I can not because of her addictions and the horrific things they have made her say and do. Whether Lauren Elizabeth Kelley realizes it or not, this is one of the many prices that her addictions to drugs and alcohol have made her pay.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley used to message me multiple times to make sure I could be with her and her family for her birthday, as she did before this photo was taken on her 18th birthday. Even though I was the last person to arrive at Fire & Ice, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley made sure I was given the seat next to her.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and me at Fire & Ice for her 18th birthday in 2010

How my beautiful, smart, funny, strong and stubborn Irish redhead became the pathetic, lying, weak, cruel, cowardly, and stupid drug-addicted alcoholic she is today is something I am not sure about. I am sure that much of this horrid transformation is due to the years of emotional abuse that her father, John Kelley, subjected her to. I am sure the triggering event that brought about her downfall was catching Ian cheating on her in January of 2011.

I am worried that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will likely do something monumentally stupid and irresponsible today, since it is the first day that she can legally drink and not have to worry about getting busted using her fake IDs—the ones she has been using for most of the past two years to buy alcohol and get drunk. The fact that she is celebrating with people like Sarah Barr, one of her “friends” that drinks and does drugs with her, does not help with my concerns.

Tweet from Sarah Barr regarding Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s birthday

I do not know if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley turning 21 is a good thing or not. In some respects it is, since she won’t have to use her fake IDs, she no longer runs the risk of getting caught and arrested for that. Also, her being 21 means that her blood alcohol level has to be 0.08 or higher for her to be convicted of drunk driving, rather than the 0.02 level she was subject to being under the legal drinking age. But, it also means that she may be more likely to drink more often, since there is less risk in doing so now.

In any case, I wish my beloved a happy and safe 21st birthday and want her to remember a few things if her addictions will allow her. First, I hope she remembers that I have loved her all of her life and always will. Second, I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley remembers that she was one of the smartest, most beautiful, strongest, and most wonderful women I have ever known before she fell to her addictions. Third, I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley remembers that I have promised to walk beside her on her long road to recovery if she wants me to and if she makes her amends to me. Finally, I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley finally remembers who we have been to each other over the two decades of love, friendship, trust, devotion, loyalty and caring that is the truth.

Love is a choice,

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

There was a great post that really hit home for me. It really describes what I have ben going through because of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions. The relevant parts of the post, “Grieving the Death of Our Dream”, is quoted below.

Grieving the Death of our Dream

by Leslie Ferris Yerger

“Nothing dies slower or more painfully than a dream. How true. How sadly true.”

– Melody Beattie, in Codependent No More

…We set high expectations about who they would become, how successful they might be, and how closely we would grow together. This is natural, everyone does it. And nowhere in these dreams was there a place for treatment of any kind, for any reason. This was simply not what we had in mind, in any way, shape, or form.

Yet here we are, very much in treatment, and very much living what we never imagined would ever happen. And it has messed with those hopes and dreams, in a very, very big way. Though no physical death has occurred, there is still very much a sense of loss that is deep and very very real. The loss of what might have been, the loss of the vision of what our lives, their lives, were going to be like.

Grief and loss is different for everyone. Some are able to get past it fairly quickly. For other it feels like a knife through the heart for a very long time, while most of us probably fall somewhere in between. There is no right or wrong way or duration. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler in On Grief and Grieving outline the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. A person’s duration of time in each stage may range from a moment to months or years. However it is important not to get ‘stuck’ in any one stage, and thus never complete the process.

Unfortunately, our present day society for the most part does not acknowledge grief and therefore does nothing to foster the grieving process. The world seems to tell us, “Get over it, stuff those feelings deep, and get on with business as usual”. Yet experts tell us that unresolved grief can plague us indefinitely, and is extremely unhealthy.

It is for this reason that I invite you to acknowledge your loss, whatever it is, and make sure you grieve it as needed. In a world that may not acknowledge your pain, there are still ways to journey meaningfully through it. There are grief therapists and coaches, clergy, self-help books, support groups, friends, and family, who may be able to support you. I encourage you to contemplate what you need, explore how best to get it, and take action for your own sake if you need to.

My wish for you is full and complete grieving, however that looks for you, no matter how long it takes. Whether you seek professional help, read books, write a journal, or bury symbols of what you’ve lost in a box in your garden, please take the time to do what is right for you, in your way, on your own time. And once you are able to let go and move on, like Cindy and Jim, your own unexpected miracle will happen.

While this post was written for the parents of drug-addicted or alcoholic children, it does apply to anyone who loves a drug-addict or alcoholic. Everyone has dreams for the people they love and care about. This is very true in the case of parents for their children, or in my case of a man for the woman he loves and wants to marry.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions have destroyed the dreams that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I spoke of that week in June 2011—of having children, Asians with freckles that Lauren Elizabeth said she adored; of getting married and starting a life together; of a future together. I do not think that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would have spoken of these things or told me “I love you” or “Sarangheyo” unless she meant them.

I do not believe Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would have asked to see the claddagh ring I had bought for her—the ring we talked about holding in reserve for our daughter after we were married—unless she was going to accept it and my proposal to her. I do not believe that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would have told her mother or sister about my asking to marry her unless she was strongly considering it.

These are just the truths of what I know about the amazing young woman I have known for so many years—Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was far too honest a person to do any of those things unless she wanted to marry me.

Yet, for most of the last two years, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has lied about whom we have been to each other, how we feel about each other and has allowed her father to coerce her into perjuring herself so he would be protected from my confronting him about his own alcoholism. I do not believe that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would lie—but the drug-addicted alcoholic that her self-doubts, fears and insecurities have turned her into would. The only thing the drug-addicted alcoholic cares about is her next drink or blunt. Lauren prostituted herself to Jarrod for most of five months—trading herself and her dignity to Jarrod for the drugs and alcohol he was willing to give her. That isn’t something the devout, moral, good, Catholic woman I love would do if she were healthy.

I hope and pray for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley every day. I hope that one day she will see what her addictions have made her do and say and what her addictions have truly cost her—financially, socially, academically, spiritually, physically and morally.

I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will find the courage to face her fears, the strength and will to fight her addictions, the grace to love and trust herself again and the wisdom to see the truth about her addictions, what they have cost her and who we are to each other and always have been.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

“Life is a game with many rules but no referee. One learns how to play it more by watching it than by consulting any book, including the holy book. Small wonder, then, that so many play dirty, that so few win, that so many lose.”

~ Joseph Brodsky

For two decades, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has watched her father emotionally abuse her, her mother and her siblings.

For two decades Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has watched what an alcoholic does, for her father has been one for the 30+ years I have known him.

For two decades, all Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has seen is how weak and worthless her father said she and her mother are—I know this because I have seen it firsthand.

Is it any wonder that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley turned to drugs and alcohol, like her older brother? I don’t think so.

I have tried to protect Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life, but could not protect her from her own family. I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and that love has grown and changed over the years much as my beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has. I have cared for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life—enough so that when her parents decided to emotionally abandon her and her brother—her mother asked me to be there for them both.

This Sunday, two days from now, is Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s 21st birthday and I am missing it because her addictions have made it impossible for me to be there.

By the time I turned 21, I had seen a lot more of the bad things in life than Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has so far. I had lost Shelley to leukemia, my twin brother to a drunk driver, and been engaged twice—once to Shelley and a second time to Su. Su saved my life after my twin was killed and she and Shelley taught me a lot about what it means to love and be loved.

John Kelley, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s father, introduced me to Su—the woman who saved my life after my twin was killed—and that is one of the reasons I am so steadfast and loyal to Lauren and her family—a family that drugs and alcohol are slowly destroying. Another reason I am so steadfast to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is because I take the promise I made to her mother Sue many years ago, that I would watch over, protect, care for, mentor and guide, and most of all love and befriend Lauren Elizabeth and her brother Johnny Walker Jr.

I have tried to give Lauren Elizabeth Kelley the best advice I could as long as I’ve known her. When she was younger and first starting to date, she used to ask me about love and how you could tell if someone was the right person for you. I told her about some of the things I had learned from Shelly, Su, and most of all, Gee.

I told her how it was important to be best friends with the person she loved. I told her how it was important to surround herself with people who inspired her and made her want to be a better person than she could be without them in her life. I told her how it was key to have people that believed in her and supported her and her dreams around her.

I told her how all relationships, whether friendships or something more, took hard work on the part of both people. I tried to teach her that good relationships are two-sided and balanced—where both people try to give more than they get from the relationship because there are times one or the other will fall short and if both people are giving more than their share the relationship can last through even the most difficult things.

Most of these were things that she used to know—used to believe and understand—at least before she fell to her addictions nearly two years ago. I know this because if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley didn’t know and believe the things I tried to teach her over the years, I doubt she would have asked me if Gee would be angry with me or us if we got married—if I got re-married—right after I asked Lauren Elizabeth to marry me. If Lauren Elizabeth hadn’t understood and believed in so much of what we talked about, why would she care what a woman whom she had never met, never known and had been dead for over ten years would think or feel?

I know who Lauren Elizabeth Kelley really is. I have watched her grow from the adorable baby daughter of two of my close friends—people I have considered family and who considered me family for over 30 years—into a stubborn and hellaciously tempermental child, then into a beautiful, smart and stubborn young woman. I have listened to her hopes, dreams, wishes, goals and fears all of her life and supported her in achieving the former and tried to shelter her from the latter.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley once knew how beautiful, strong, and smart she was. It shows in the photos of her from the time before Ian betrayed her. I think Ian’s betrayal of her, when he was caught cheating on Lauren Elizabeth Kelley with a woman that was not as pretty or as smart as Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, triggered all of the doubts, insecurities and fears caused by the years of emotional abuse and neglect by her father to explode back from where she had them trapped.

It is clearly these fears, insecurities and self-doubts that have been fueling her drug addiction and alcoholism. She did not start binge drinking and doing drugs on a regular basis until the end of May 2011. I believe that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s pride in herself as a student and her innate stubbornness allowed her to finish up her freshman year with the grades and only after she realized she had made Dean’s List did she allow her fears to overwhelm her. Without the structure of classes and the need to succeed as a student, she fell apart.

I also think my confronting her about her drinking only a month after she started drinking heavily and doing drugs, though I did not know she was an alcoholic or drug addict at the time, compounded her fears. I do not think Lauren Elizabeth Kelley understands how much I love her or that I would never walk away from her because of her addictions. I think her fear of losing the man she loves and had been talking about marrying, raising a family with, and such because of her addictions was so great that she pushed me away instead of letting me break up with her as she feared. She should have known better.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

“The real things haven’t changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong.”

~Laura Ingalls Wilder

These wise words were written probably close to a century ago. They are still very true today. Unfortunately, many people today don’t believe them or what they stand for.

I believe in them….I always have. I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley once believed in them because I know who she is. Somehow, she has lost her way and no longer believes these things—no longer practices them.

I know it is her addictions that have made her lose her way. I love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and have all her life. I do not know how to not love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I love her because Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is herself and no other reason—with no expectations or conditions. It is always how I have loved her.

I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley loves me. The Lauren Elizabeth Kelley I have known and loved all of her life is far too honest a person to tell me she loves me unless she meant it as I did—that she loves me as a woman loves a man that she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

I know her love for me is the reason she spoke of having children together and what she wanted to name the Asians with freckles our children would be. I know that is why she and I spoke of when we’d get married—waiting until after she graduated from Emmanuel College; why we talked about religion and where we would get married—her family parish church—St. Michael’s. I know that love is the reason she asked to see the ring I had bought her.

These are all things that her addictions have stolen from us both. These are all part of the high cost her addictions have made her pay. But her addictions can not change how much I love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, or the fact that I care about her and consider her family. Her addictions do not change who she is, how I feel about or what she means to me. The love we share is greater than that and always has been.

So, as I have promised her, I wait for her to ask for help in fighting her addictions. I abide. I do not know how long it will be before my beloved hits rock bottom and realizes how much her addictions have cost her—have cost us. In fact, I do not know if she will hit rock bottom, but I wait. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, the woman that loves me, is worth it.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

It was Easter Sunday in 2000, 13 years ago, when Gee was diagnosed with the Pancreatic Cancer that eventually killed her. We were at Maryview Hospital, down in Portsmouth, VA, where her parents live.

A week and a half earlier I had asked her to go down to see her father, who is a physician, because she had just moved back from Seattle and she didn’t look right to me. She just didn’t look right to me—her color was off and she wasn’t eating like she normally did.

When she had gone down to see her father nine days earlier, he said she looked fine. I told him something was wrong. On Sunday, a week before Easter, my soon-to-be father-in-law called me and told me Gee was jaundiced and that I should come down to meet them at the hospital.

Gee had an ultrasound and a CAT scan done, and a mass was detected in her pancreas. It was biopsied that week, and we found out the results on Easter.

The day after Gee was diagnosed, Gee’s father asked me if I wanted to cancel our engagement, since I had asked Gee to marry me the previous September. It was not a particularly strange question if you think about the context in Korean culture— I am the only living son in my family and I am expected to carry on the family name— Gee’s diagnosis and illness made that less likely.

Well, I’m not a traditionalist in that particular sense… in many others I am, so I told my prospective father-in-law:

“Gee’s illness doesn’t change how I feel about her, what she has come to mean to me or who she is— and why— in God’s name— would I abandon the woman I love, when she needs me most.”

I also told him:

“Besides, when I met you, you trusted me with taking care of your daughter on our trip to Seattle— ever since I met her, she has always been my first priority—that will never change.”

Even under the worst of conditions, with all the pressures and strains of Gee fighting a killer disease, we had the most amazing and joyous life together. I miss Gee every day. She was the most amazing and gracious woman I have ever met. That is why I married her, as I had asked her and promised her I would back in November of 2000, five months after she was diagnosed, a month after her first round of chemotherapy ended.

I have no regrets and still think marrying Gee was the best decision I have ever made. Somehow, mere death has not been a barrier for the love she and I share—and Gee watches over me, my friends and my family as a weather goddess. I miss her every day.

That is what it means to love someone and be committed to them. Gee and I spent 14 months fighting her illness, a battle she finally lost on June 11, 2001. Even though we got the bad news about Gee’s illness on Easter, she made me realize that Easter is still a time of hope and renewal.

This is the kind of love that I thought Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I had between us. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is the only woman I have ever loved more than Gee. I think this is because I have known and loved Lauren Elizabeth for all of her life, and my love for her has changed and grown with her much as she herself has over the past 21 years. I didn’t realize how much the love I have always had for Lauren Elizabeth had grown and changed until June 2011, when I realized that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Lauren Elizabeth and asked her to marry me.

Even the realization that she has become a drug-addict and an alcoholic hasn’t changed how I fundamentally feel about Lauren Elizabeth. I do not see her illness as a reason to abandon the woman I love most of all. In fact, I never stopped caring about Lauren Elizabeth, loving Lauren Elizabeth or being her friend. Those were all things her addictions and her father made her do.

I have been steadfast and deeply devoted to the amazing woman that loves me, even if she hasn’t really deserved such love, devotion, loyalty or trust because of the horrific things her addictions have made her say and do. I can no more blame Lauren Elizabeth for the things her addictions have caused her to do than I could have blamed Gee for the complications caused by her cancer. Also, I truly believe that Lauren Elizabeth is the woman that Gee told me to seek out after her death 12 years ago.

In a week’s time, Lauren Elizabeth will be turning 21. I don’t know if this will be a good thing or not. It does mean that Lauren Elizabeth will no longer be at risk for getting arrested for using her two fake IDs that she bought two years ago. It also means that her BAC level will have to be 0.08 rather than the much lower 0.02 that it currently is for her to get arrested and convicted of drunk driving—something that she has likely been doing for much of the past two years, since she fell to her addictions at the end of May 2011.

However, it also means that she can drink much more freely, since she doesn’t have to worry about being arrested for drinking as a minor or using her fake IDs.

I will wait to see if Lauren Elizabeth hits rock bottom and finally realizes the danger her problems with alcohol and drugs are putting her in. I will wait to see if she finally realizes the high price that her addictions have cost her, like losing the man she said she loves. I will wait and see if Lauren Elizabeth is smart enough, strong enough and brave enough to face her fears and fight the addictions that have cost her so much.

Lauren Elizabeth may never hit rock bottom—she may turn out to be a high-functioning alcoholic much like her father, who has been an alcoholic for most, if not all, of the 30 years I have known him. I do not believe that Lauren Elizabeth is a coward or a bully—something her father has been for much of those same 30 years and probably what led him to emotionally abuse his wife Sue and his children, Lauren, Johnny Jr. and Bridget. I think that Johnny Jr. is also a coward and a drug-addicted alcoholic.

If Lauren Elizabeth is strong enough to start on her road to recovery, I will walk beside her on that long road, if she asks me to. If Lauren Elizabeth is strong enough to be reborn and fight her addictions, she does not have to face them alone. I will keep the promises I made her, her mother Sue and her sister Bridget, if she makes her amends and asks me to. It is up to her.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

I think there is a lot of truth in this, because without having known defeat, suffering, struggle, loss and if someone has never found their way back from those depths then they can not truly appreciate what is good and positive in their lives. Without the darkness, light means nothing. Without sorrow, joy and happiness lose much of their meaning. Without indifference, anger and hate, love can not be fully appreciated.

I have come to realize that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley needs to go through her struggles with alcohol and drugs to fully become the beautiful woman I have always seen her to be. I do not think that she will be capable of the kind of grace that I see her to be until she has known defeat, suffering, loss and found her way back to her true self.

I think that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is one of the few people that is capable of achieving the state of grace that Gee had. It is one of the myriad of reasons I love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and believe that she is the woman that Gee asked me to seek out a dozen years ago.

When I think of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, I see one of the most beautiful women I have ever known. My definition of beauty has never been a physical one, since it encompasses far more than merely a person’s physical appearance. The compassion, grace, intelligence, kindness, generosity and goodness of a person’s spirit matter far more than their looks do. As I said in the Palanca letter I wrote to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley several years ago:

“I want you to know that I think you are a beautiful person and I am proud to be one of your friends. You do have the good heart and generous and kind spirit that I consider to be a necessity to be a beautiful person—as well as being one of the prettiest young women I know. Please note that when I use the word beautiful, I do not mean just the more commonly accepted definition of physical appearance. To me, physical appearance is only a part of what makes a person beautiful. If one does not have a good heart and isn’t generous and kind in nature, they can never be beautiful, no matter what they look like.”

Even then, long before I realized how much I love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, and long before I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I knew she was a beautiful person. I hope that her addictions have not destroyed the beautiful woman I love and that the woman who loves me is still there—fighting to return to me and the amazing future we had talked about starting together—the one with the Asians with freckles that our children would be.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

Recently, there was a video circulating about performance artist Marina Abramovic and a performance she had done at the MOMA back in 2010.

Marina and Ulay had met in the 1970s and loved each other intensely—becoming partners in life and performing art together out of the van they lived in.

After a little more than a decade, the two lovers decided that their relationship had run its course and chose to formally end their relationship by walking the Great Wall of China—each starting on opposite ends from the other and meeting in the middle, where they hugged for one last time and then parted.

During Marina’s performance at the MOMA, Ulay came to participate in her performance piece without telling Marina. The following video shows the results of the two meeting again.

I hope the love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I share is as strong as the love Ulay and Marina have shared. I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is the woman I love most of all of all the women in my life. I hope that one day Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will realize the truth of who we have always been to each other and remember the years of love, caring, devotion, trust and friendship that we have shared all of her life.

Unfortunately, I think it will take Lauren Elizabeth Kelley hitting rock bottom before she can acknowledge the truth of what her addictions have made her say and do over the past two years—including the lies she has told about who we are to each other and how we feel about each other. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has been lying to herself and the world about us.

I think part of why Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has done it is because her father coerced her into perjuring herself by threatening to withhold her tuition and preventing her from being able to go to college unless she actively participated in his scheme to protect himself from confronting his own problems with alcoholism. Her father John has been an alcoholic for most, if not all, the 30 plus years I have known him and his wife Susan.

I think I am the only person that has confronted John about his alcoholism in that time. When I confronted him back on August 10, 2011, he was so furious that had I been anyone else I think he might have hit me. But John has known me for 30 plus years, and he is basically a coward and a bully and knows from our long friendship that I do not back down from bullies and have taken people far stronger and braver than him apart when I have had to. So, John took the coward’s way out and forced Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to perjure herself to protect himself.

I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley finally hits rock bottom and realizes that she has a serious problem with drugs and alcohol, as her older brother and many other members of her family do, and finds the grace, courage, strength and will to finally seek help for herself. I hope that the process of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley hitting rock bottom does not result in her being seriously injured or killed or damaging her future prospects irreparably.

In three weeks, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will finally turn 21. This fills me with both hope and dread. I hope that the fact that drinking will no longer be forbidden to her will make it something she no longer is drawn to doing, but I dread the fact that she will have fewer reasons to avoid drinking. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has managed to survive this St. Patrick’s Day weekend, which marks the end of her junior year spring break, I hope she finally finds the grace to love herself enough to stop drinking and doing drugs. I pray for my beloved Lauren Elizabeth every day and keep asking my angels to watch over the woman I love and still want to marry.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

There is another amazing post over on the Crying Out Now blog. The Crying Out Now blog was founded by a woman named Ellie, which is my nickname for the woman I love, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.

Breaking the Chain of Addiction – Lara at One Year Sober

January 13, 2013, I was one year sober.

I wish I could say everyday was a battle, and my willpower got me through it. But it wasn’t a battle, and it had nothing to do with willpower.

It was a choice. I stopped blaming everybody and every circumstance that hurt me, and I took responsibility for my life. I wanted a change. I no longer wanted to numb my pain or feelings. Because of these choices, I gave up the booze….with God as my strength.

I, like many alcoholics, didn’t have a childhood. I was abandoned by my parents. As were my brothers and sisters. My mother chose to put the men in her life first, instead of her children. Because of this I had no father, and was forced to live with an abusive step-father. My mother didn’t have it in her to be a loving, devoted mother. Because of the choices she made, it brought horrible consequences. I started drinking at age 14, along with drugs and sex.

The drinking got worse the older I got. God brought me, to my now husband of 18 years, when I was 19. He is a faithful, loving husband and father of our 3 beautiful children. They are a real blessings, and having them in my life has showed me what true love really is.

However, I still chose to drink, numbing the painful feelings of abandonment and abuse, that I had pushed so deep inside of me from my past. I started hating alcohol, instead of loving it as my dear friend and comforter. I hated waking up shameful of what I did or said, or trying to remember the things I did or said. Not to mention the horrible hangovers, weight gain, bloating, etc. Only to start it all over again the next afternoon.

I tried to quit drinking many times. I even reached out to my birth family for help one Christmas eve. I admitted to my mother, step-father, brother and sisters that I had a drinking problem and I wanted to quit for good. They just looked at me with shame and embarrassment. They continued to drink around me, however, and offered no support. Mother would even bring over pretty empty wine bottles, and bags of wine corks that she was finished with, for “decoration projects” for my kids.

My battle continued for years with my addiction to booze, as well as the abusive drama of my birth family, until something inside me finally clicked. I realized I wanted more from life than this, and I felt the Holy Spirit was urging me to wake up.

I’ve never been a religious person, and honestly this has nothing to do with religion. It has everything to do with a love relationship with God. With His strength, I removed myself from the toxic people in my life.

Sadly, that just happened to be my birth family. It’s like my eyes opened for the first time in my life. I finally saw them for who they really were. They don’t know how to love. They never had it given to them, to learn how to love.

They all still struggle with sex addiction, food addiction, alcohol, and drugs. They still choose to numb their pains, and abandonment from the past, with their drug of choice. As with all addicts, they are blaming everybody else for their circumstances, their choices, and they take zero responsibility.

I was never raised to be responsible for anything. Nobody in the family was or is. Blame, diversion, manipulation, and self-pity, are all they have to give. It’s very sad. I made a choice to stop the cycle of addiction and abuse. I no longer want to pretend everything is ok, instead I face the truth.

I no longer want to walk around numb, I want to acknowledge and embrace my feelings. I no longer want to make excuses or blame, I am responsible for my choices, my actions, and my life. I am finally free to be me!

Sure, I still long for the mom and dad I never had. It would be nice to have sisters who supported me, loved me, and were able to communicate our true feelings and experiences together. But it is what it is. I now accept reality, and refuse to deny the truth any longer.

My mind is clear now, and yes sometimes it hurts to know the truth. But I am healing, I am growing stronger, and I am becoming a person I admire. For the fist time in my life I am proud of who I am. I have overcome a lot and I am setting a good example for my children. I want them to grow up knowing how to give and accept love.

God wants us to honor our mother and father. I am honoring my parents by stopping the cycle of abuse and addiction. They should be proud of that. But instead, they are full of bitterness, hate, and blame.

The next generation will not have to endure the things my siblings and I had to. I know God is proud of me for standing up for the truth, and against the evil. That is all that matters to me. I give my Heavenly Father, all the glory for what He has done in my life. I was blind, but now I see. Life is full of choices. Take responsibility for your life, pray to God for strength. For, through Him all things are possible.

The truth really does set you free!

In many ways, the abuse Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s father has subjected her to is the foundation for the fears, insecurities, and self-doubts that give her addictions the great strength and hold over her that that they have. The initial trigger was likely caused by her catching Ian—her first serious love—cheating on her with a young woman that was both not as pretty or as smart as her. I believe that this shattered whatever strength and belief in herself that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley had managed to retain after the years of abuse by her father.

I hope and pray that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will find the love for herself and strength to finally confront the truth—all of the truth, including that of who she and I really were to each other and how we really felt about each other. I still love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, as I have all of her life and always will.

The songs below really say how I feel about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and what she means to me.

Eli Young Band—Crazy Girl

Martina McBride—Marry Me

Rascal Flatts—I Won’t Let Go

Brantley Gilbert—You Don’t Know Her Like I Do

Jerrod Niemann—Only God Could Love You More

Martina McBride—I’m Gonna Love You Through It

I can’t save Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and can’t even be a part of her life until she accepts the truth and confronts her addictions and faces down her fears, insecurities and self-doubts. Until Lauren Elizabeth Kelley learns to let go and let God help her face her addictions, I can not help her.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley must ask for help and be willing to fight for herself before I can stand beside her again and fight for her and support her with the love, trust, and commitment we have had for almost all of her life—love, trust and commitment that I still have for the amazing young woman I love.

In four weeks, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will turn 21. She will no longer need to use her fake IDs or risk getting caught for DUI at only 0.02 BAC levels. I fear for what she will do since, by all accounts I have seen, she is still doing drugs and drinking—though not as heavily as she was last year. It is still pretty likely that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is driving drunk and/or high regularly. Her family is still in denial of her illness and her addictions, even given her father being an alcoholic, her family history of alcoholism and drug addiction on both sides, and her brother’s issues with drugs and alcohol, it isn’t very likely that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley isn’t a drug addicted alcoholic.

I think it is significant that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has still not made Dean’s List, at least as far as I have seen, since her addictions took over her life in May 2011. I still pray for the amazing and beautiful woman I love every day and hope that she will finally see the truth about what her addictions are doing to her.

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley finally realizes that she has a problem with drugs and alcohol—which I doubt will happen unless she hits rock bottom and ends up in jail, the hospital, living on the street or flunking out of college as her brother did—and she wants help on her long road to recovery, she knows where to find me and what she needs to do before I can help her.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

There is a cool new docudrama on TNT about the Boston Police Department called Boston’s Finest. The show follows various members of the Boston Police Department around while they are working as well as giving the viewers a look into the personal lives of the officers involved.

While the show may be of interest to many people just because it is a fascinating behind-the-scenes view of Beantown’s police department, I am fascinated by the show because it has twins in it. The show actually has two pairs of twins in it so far. Two officers in the show are married and have a pair of 4-year-old twin boys. But, the other twin set is the one that is going to be more interesting to follow.

Jenn Penton, one of the officers, has a fraternal twin sister who is a drug addict and possibly a prostitute from the sounds of the dialogue in the show. The premiere episode has Jenn finally meeting with her sister for the first time in two years. Jenn’s twin sister has a son as well, who was put up for adoption and the adoptive parents are willing to let Jenn and her sister, the boy’s mother, be a part of their lives.

I don’t know if it would be possible for me to not see my twin for two years if he were still alive. I don’t think it would be.

In the first episode, Jenn says the following about her sister’s drug addiction:

I think addiction is a journey. It doesn’t solve itself overnight and she could battle with this probably for the rest of her life. She has to want it for herself. I can’t want it for her, my mom can’t want it for her, even her son can’t want it for her.

I can understand this, given what I have been through with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley over the past two years. I still hope and pray that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley finally wises up and realizes that she has a problem with drugs and alcohol and seeks the help she obviously needs.

Jenn and her twin have breakfast at the Sylvan Street Grille, which is a restaurant I have been to with friends. Melissa, Jenn’s twin has lost a lot because of her addictions. She has lost her son and lost a lot of time and closeness with her twin—both things that are priceless in my opinion. Her health has been pretty badly damaged by her addictions and that is clearly visible in the video of her—she is missing a lot of her teeth.

Melissa Penton from the premiere episode of Boston’s Finest

Unfortunately, I can see much the same happening to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley if she doesn’t get control of her addictions soon. Her addictions have already cost her the man she said she loved and wanted to marry and raise a family with—me. While the most recent photos I’ve seen of her have seemed to show that she has stopped rapidly losing and gaining weight as she was doing last year, I fear what will happen once she turns 21 later this year. She has been very lucky not to have been caught using her fake IDs thus far, but that is no guarantee that it won’t happen before she can legally drink. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has also been very lucky not to have been arrested for driving drunk or high as she has likely been doing for the last two years.

Jenn realizes that the anger caused by her sister’s poor decisions and choices and her own position as a police officer is going to complicate her relationship with Melissa. I can sympathize with her situation as I know my anger at Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s choices would have complicated any relationship that we could have possibly had if she were willing to ask for help for her own addictions. Also, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s betrayal and lies make trust a very fragile thing between us just as trust must be a delicate issue for Jenn and her twin.

It will be interesting to see how this television show does and see how the various officers and their lives play out. I wish Jenn Penton and her fellow officers the best and pray for their safety for doing the difficult jobs that they do.

I also pray for Melissa Penton and Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and hope they both finally gain the grace and wisdom to recognize the truth of their addictions and how their lives will be destroyed if they do not fight them and the strength and courage to ask for help in doing so.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

There was an amazing post on the Sobriety for Women blog about waiting and commitment.

I’m going to copy it here.

I will wait…..

I will wait. I will wait for you. These are the words that taunt me. Why? Waiting. Hoping. Praying. These are qualities that an addict like me does not possess so easily.

Looking back as far as I can remember I have waited for something. I have waited for someone or something to make everything better. If I just had this person or this thing or this place I would be whole. I would be complete. I just need to wait. Sometimes those things would come into my life and I would become happier and others times I never held the thing in my hand that I thought I was waiting for. That’s life though. Waiting. But what if the thing you waited for was life…. Someone else’s life?

That’s what I wait for. I wait for the day that you get sober. I wait for the day where the lies, the deception, the hurt stops. I wait for the day when I do not have to stay up and worry anymore. I wait for the day that what binds us together is more than love; it is a passion for life. Addiction brought us together in another way. We bonded. We nodded. Hell we laughed but those days have been over for me for years now. I have been waiting for you. I have been waiting for the day when you decide that you want what I have and to be happy. I wait for you to live along side me again.

I wait for the day when you call and say I am done. I wait for the day when you scream for help because you give up. I wait for the day when you wave the white flag so high and quick that it cannot be mistaken for anything but a sign of defeat.

I wait. It is hard for an addict like me. I have God to help pass the time, and a bunch of other distractions – like the Harlem Shake videos – but nothing will take away from the longest line I have ever been in… just waiting.

I will wait…..for you.

Reading this post and the recent Valentine’s Day holiday made me realize that I still love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley very much—and always will. It also made me realize that in many ways, I am still waiting for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to be sober, and to help her on her long road to recovery as I have promised her, her mother Sue and her sister Bridget I would.

While I am not an addict, part of this really touches on how I feel about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. Like the person who wrote that post, I am hoping, waiting and praying.

I wait for the day she gets sober. I wait for the day where the lies, the deception, and the hurt they cause stops. I wait for the day when I do not have to stay up and worry anymore.

I wait for the day that what binds us together is more than the love we have shared for twenty years—but a passion for our life together.

I am waiting for her to decide that she wants what I have and that she has decided to be happy—without the need for marijuana or alcohol. I wait for her to live along side me again.

I wait for the day when Lauren Elizabeth Kelley realizes that she is an addict and an alcoholic, like her brother and father, and says “I am done hiding behind the drugs and alcohol.”

I wait for the day when Lauren Elizabeth Kelley screams for help because she has has given up on being so much less than she should be—that she no longer will stand for being limited by her fears, anxieties, self-doubts and the addictions they give power to.

I wait for the day that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley raises the white flag and finally admits that she needs help and does not want to remain a victim of her addictions, her fears, her anxieties and her self-doubts.

Until then, I will live my life—work, play, spend time with friends and other distractions—while waiting for the most amazing and beautiful woman I know—the woman I love most—to finally realize she is loveable, she is strong, she is brave, she is smart and to realize, most of all, she is an addict and an alcoholic—so she can begin to heal herself.

I have promised Lauren Elizabeth Kelley that she would not have to walk the long road to recovery alone. I have promised her that if she asked me to, I would walk beside her, on her long road to recovery, for the rest of my life—being the one to catch her when she stumbles or falls, protects and comforts her when she feels frightened or gets scared, guides her back to herself when she gets lost or confused, but, most of all, loves her more, each and every day.

While I have walked away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, her lies, her addictions and all the pain and hurt she and her addictions have caused me—I have not given up on her, nor have I abandoned the woman I love. I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knows this.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is still the woman I love most—the woman I asked to marry me and still want to marry and be the mother of our children—the Asians with freckles that she said she adores.

It is good to see that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley appears to be taking better care of herself. The photos I’ve seen of her over the last six months or so are far better than ones from a year ago. She appears to have stopped rapidly losing and gaining weight. She appears to be at a reasonably healthy weight for her. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley appears to have found her smile again—even if her fears, anxieties and self-doubts still seem to plague her.

It scares me that she is still obviously drinking and doing drugs. It terrifies and worries me that she would go drinking on a rooftop at Emmanuel College and risk falling to her death as seen in this photo:

One of Lauren’s Instagram photos, showing her and a friend drinking, most likely on the rooftop of a dormitory at Emmanuel College. Lauren is standing on an eight-inch wide ledge and risking a fall to her death.

It is pretty clear that her school, Emmanuel College, doesn’t care about its students, when they allow this and the campus-wide abuse of marijuana and alcohol to continue on what is supposed to be a dry campus.

It is worrying that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley thinks a good housewarming gift for her acquaintance and fellow drug addict is a bong. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley doesn’t realize how deeply caught she is in the marijuana addict world she is, the fact that she thinks a bong is a good housewarming gift should be a warning sign.

Some tweets from Lauren’s friends, including one showing that Lauren is planning on giving a bong to Mel as a housewarming gift.

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley really thinks that the people she is doing drugs with and drinking with are truly her friends, I think she is in for a really rude awakening should she get into any serious trouble—whether it is when she gets into a drunk driving car accident, getting arrested for using her fake IDs or getting raped or assaulted while she is high or drunk, or getting sick from alcohol poisoning. I doubt any of them will stick by her or really be there for her.

I want Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to know I have always loved her, cared for her and been her friend. I never stopped doing any of these things, even after the horrific lies and things that her addictions have made her say and do. I have always believed in the amazing woman I asked to marry me on June 22, 2011. I have loved and cared for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and always will.

I still believe in Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and have the utmost faith that she will eventually return to her senses and realize the damage that her addiction to marijuana and alcohol has caused in her life. I still believe that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is the woman Gee asked me to seek out just before her death—the reason that Gee asked me not to close my heart to world after she died.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is amazing, beautiful, strong, smart, stubborn, courageous, compassionate, moral, generous, loving and lovable. I wish that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley could see herself through my eyes and realize that the fears, anxieties and self-doubts that give her addictions their power over her are a legacy of the years of abuse from her father—that she has always been so much more than her father John has ever said.

I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will realize that she doesn’t have to worry about being betrayed or abused by at least one person—someone who has always been steadfast, loyal, supportive and loving of her—me. I have been there for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life, and would still be there if it was not for the horrible things her addictions have made her say and do. If she asks me to be there for her, I would return to her side. I have proven my loyalty, love, friendship and commitment to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley repeatedly, especially during the past two years.

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley were to finally be honest with herself and remember the truth of who we are to each other, how we feel about each other and what she has really done—I hope she will remember that I forgive her and do not hold the lies and vile actions caused by her addictions against her—that I love her and always have.

It is really Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s choice—she can continue to lie and live as if the lies are true or she can finally admit what she has been doing is wrong and stop telling the lies. Eventually, if she lies to herself and everyone else long enough, she won’t be able to tell the lies from the truth and her lies will become her reality. I don’t think she is stupid enough to do that—but with addicts and alcoholics, the power of denial is truly incredible.

I have chosen to tell the truth about what Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s problems with drugs and alcohol have done to her—done to us—done to me. I will not lie to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley because I love her and believe that truth and honesty are a fundamental part of the trust and love we share. I would rather have her hear the honest truth than enable her addictions and alcoholism with lies and let her hurt herself any further.

The truth of who Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I are to each other and how we feel about each other is pretty clear in photos of us together. We were almost always laughing and smiling whenever we were together—whether Lauren is willing to admit it or not. I’ve written about the truth of who we are together in My Gift to Lauren Elizabeth. If you want to see the truth of the love and friendship Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I had together, you can read about it there.

Until Lauren Elizabeth Kelley realizes the truth and asks for help, I will continue living my life without her. I still hope and pray that she will find the grace to love and trust herself again; gain the wisdom to see the truth about what drugs and alcohol have done to her and the truth of who and what we were to each other; and have the courage and strength to fight her addictions and return to being the amazing woman that God has always meant for her to be.

I would warn Lauren Elizabeth Kelley that if I should meet someone else, I will move on. Her addictions to drugs and alcohol and the pain she has caused by the vicious lies she has told about us—about me—have done much to undermine the vast foundation of love, caring, friendship and devotion that we had built over almost twenty years. It is really up to her to show that she is still worthy of being loved. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley can not love herself, it really doesn’t matter how much I love her.

I know her father doesn’t love her—because he is incapable of truly loving anything but his own addiction to alcohol. His decades of abuse of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and her mother Sue are clear signs of his inability to love. Sue should not fear her husband, but she does. It was Sue that asked me to help Johnny Jr., not John. I don’t think it really mattered to him when Johnny Jr. nearly lost his life to drugs, alcohol and chronic depression.

I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley fights her addictions soon. I will continue to pray for her as I have been for the past twenty one months.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

A little over three years ago, I was honored by Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s mother Sue, who asked me to write a Palanca letter for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. The Palanca letter is a tradition in Catholic schools and they are written by people closest to a young adult who is about to graduate high school. It is a letter of encouragement and inspiration which is given to the young adult while they are on a spiritual retreat during this rite of passage for them.

This is the letter I wrote for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.

Daniel Kim November 7, 2009
49 Floral Street
Newton, MA 02461

Lauren—

I am honored that your mother asked me to write a Palanca letter for you. As you know, you and your family are very special to me and I consider all of you as part of the family I have chosen for myself.

I want you to know that I think you are a beautiful person and I am proud to be one of your friends. You do have the good heart and generous and kind spirit that I consider to be a necessity to be a beautiful person—as well as being one of the prettiest young women I know. Please note that when I use the word beautiful, I do not mean just the more commonly accepted definition of physical appearance. To me, physical appearance is only a part of what makes a person beautiful. If one does not have a good heart and isn’t generous and kind in nature, they can never be beautiful, no matter what they look like.

You are a very intelligent young woman—although there are times you seem to do a very good job of hiding that fact—like most teens. However, I am sure that you will be successful in your future ambitions, and with a little more experience, will have the self-confidence to believe in yourself as much as I believe in you.

You are a gracious person, and I hope that as you grow into adulthood, you learn to keep that sense of grace about you. I hope you continue to give of yourself and continue to be generous, especially to those less fortunate than you. To be gracious, even under the worst of conditions, was something Gee showed me, and I believe you are capable of that kind of grace yourself.

I hope you continue to inspire your family and friends to be better than they would be without you in their lives, and that you carefully choose your friends to be of that same caliber—people who inspire you to be a better person than you would be without them. Remember to surround yourself with people who love you for who you are, unconditionally, and to love them back, for who they are, unconditionally, and remember to treat them well.

You are fortunate to have family and friends that truly love and support you, and that you love and support in return. I know, as I am one of them. I warn you to be wary of ever taking those people for granted, and to always be sure to let them know how much they mean to you as often as you can. And whenever you have doubts or need help, take advantage of the fact that you do have us around—talk to us and let us help you.

I have been blessed to get to know you fairly well since I moved back to the Boston area. Watching you grow into the person you are today has been one of the greatest joys of my life. I hope that you recognize your inherent qualities and habits, both good and bad, and work on improving the the former and reducing the latter, so that you grow into the person I see you capable of becoming in the future, .

Be well and know that you are loved.

As always, your friend,

Daniel Kim,
Beloved of Gee,
Twin to David

I wrote this letter as one of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s good friends—someone her mother had asked to be Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s protector, advisor, confidante, and mentor. When Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s parents, John and Sue, basically checked out of Lauren Elizabeth and Johnny Jr.’s lives a few years earlier, I had basically been asked to step in to act as an intermediary and to guide and protect the two older Kelley children as I could. I promised Sue I would do my best for these two young friends of my—the two eldest children of two people I had considered family for over a quarter of a century.

I think this letter also shows the love and caring that I have had for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life. My devotion to her family and their trust in me is evident as well. In some ways, I feel that I must have failed in some way for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to have become the drug-addicted alcoholic that she has been for the past seventeen months. For her to deny the years of love, caring, devotion, loyalty, friendship and trust is horrific and I can not understand how it is even possible for her to do this.

I will abide by the amazing woman that the young Lauren Elizabeth Kelley I write about in this letter has grown into—a woman that is smart, strong, good, kind, sweet, feisty, stubborn, honest, beautiful, gracious and compassionate. To have known her as a child and watched how she has grown and changed over the years really was a joy and an honor.

I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life in some fashion. I will always love her—I do not know how to not love her. She has been a part of my life for more time than even my twin brother. I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley longer than I knew Gee, Su, Shelley and Yoon combined. I have cared for her all of her life. I have been close friends and confidantes with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley for many years—years during which she and I trusted each other with our hopes, goals dreams and fears.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is the woman I love most of all. She is the woman I have asked to marry me and I hope to spend the rest of my life with, even if it means walking beside her on her long road to recovery from addiction and alcoholism for the rest of my days. I know who Lauren Elizabeth Kelley truly is—she is strong, beautiful and capable far beyond anything the drug-addicted alcoholic could possible imagine.

I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley loves me for she is one of the most honest people I have ever known and she would not have learned to tell me “Sarangheyo” or told me “I love you” unless she truly did. I know that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would have never spoken to me about all the topics having to do with us starting a life together unless it was what she wanted. I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would have never asked me to see the claddagh ring I had bought for her unless she were ready to accept it and all it stood for.

I believe in Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I have faith in the amazing woman that loves me. I trust the incredible woman I love. I hope that she will fight her addictions soon so that we can start on the future we had talked about together.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—trust yourself, believe in yourself, love yourself and fight your addictions—follow your heart.

I can not believe that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley could have succumbed to her addictions. The amazing woman that loves me is too strong, too smart, too stubborn and too brave to have fallen so easily to her addictions. I believe that the incredible woman I love still is there fighting to beat her addictions. I pray she finds her way back home to me so that we can start on our future together.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

We don’t remember days…we remember moments

There are many moments I remember from the years I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, cared for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and been friends with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.

Here are some of my favorites, in no particular order…

• Watching the adorable freckle-faced, redheaded toddler of two people I have considered family for over a decade throw a temper tantrum because she doesn’t get her way. Her temper tantrums when she was very young were cute—when she was a bit older—they were a force of nature, being powered by one of the feistiest, most stubborn and willful children I have ever known—one who grew into one of the most amazing women I have ever known.


Lauren Elizabeth Kelley unhappy about doing homework early one morning at her mom’s office.

• Watching a sleepy young girl that I have always loved cover her head with a blanket, with a book on a pillow at her mother’s desk because she, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, just doesn’t want to do her homework.


Three people I love and consider family—Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, her mother Sue and her little sister Bridget.

• Working at her father’s company and seeing Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and her family—five people I love and have considered family for 30 years. These are the three I miss the most—Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, her mother Sue, and her sister Bridget.
• Taking Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to Cracker Barrel for the very first time for her seventeenth birthday and watching her browse the country store with a look of wonder and amusement.
• Laughing at hearing my beautiful friend Lauren Elizabeth Kelley shout out that she isn’t going to become a vegan because she didn’t want to give up Coach purses or nice shoes. I knew the nutrition argument would be tough against someone as stubborn and feisty as Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, but I also knew she was very fashion and status conscious as a teen.


Lauren Elizabeth Kelley shows excitement when I offer to teach her how to drive.

• Seeing the unabashed happiness and excitement when I told Lauren Elizabeth Kelley I would teach her to drive.
• Spending an afternoon with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley teaching her to check the oil, brake fluid, windshield washer fluid and tire pressure on her car.
• Sitting with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and rubbing her shoulders and neck.


Lauren Elizabeth Kelley sleeping on the companionway, under the dodger in a fleece shirt she borrowed from me.

• Watching Lauren Elizabeth Kelley sleep, curled up on s/v Pretty Gee’s companionway like a beautiful ginger cat, in the polar fleece she swiped from me.
• Cleaning out the pool and laughing with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and listening to her fears of falling in the green slime while I held her feet so she’d be safe—promising to pick her up out of the slime if she fell, but reserving the right to laugh first.
• Having Lauren Elizabeth Kelley rub my shoulders and neck.


Lauren Elizabeth Kelley very late one night, after we had come in from a walk along the streets and beach near her family’s Cape house.

• Walking in the early morning fog along the road and the beach near Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s family’s Cape house one August evening, holding hands with her. She was wearing the red fleece cape I had given her.
• Going to the Registry of Motor Vehicles and standing in line with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to register her very first car.
• Hearing Lauren Elizabeth Kelley laugh when she realizes her dad has sabotaged my go-kart so he can win.


Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and me while kayaking during a family outing on the Bass River back in 2008.

• Kayaking with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s family and the Garcias and towing our sunken kayak with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley sitting in it back to the Bass River Kayak place because she wouldn’t get out and we couldn’t paddle the sunken kayak.
• The small near-heart attack I had when Bridget told me that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley had told her and their mother Sue about me asking Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to marry me, and fearing how Sue would react. It turns out that Sue really wasn’t surprised or even concerned about my asking Lauren Elizabeth to marry me—in fact, in some ways I think she had been expecting it.
• Watching the sunrise with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley down at the Cape house after talking through the night and having her mother come up and ask us what we wanted for breakfast.


Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and Jesus, in New Bedford. Taken one evening when we were out playing pool and getting pizza.

• Taking Lauren Elizabeth Kelley down to New Bedford to go shoot pool and then taking a photo of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley posed beside the painted Jesus on the pizza shop wall before we got dinner.
• Having Lauren Elizabeth Kelley steal my polar fleece out of my sailing bag during a day sail on s/v Pretty Gee.
• Going over to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s house to pick up Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, her sister Bridget and her brother Johnny so we could have a meal at Chipolte’s because I wanted to spend time with three people I have loved all of their lives.


A Lauren Elizabeth Kelley-style iced coffee—hazelnut with four splenda and milk.

• Waking Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and watching her beautiful smile appear as she realizes I have brought her an iced coffee because I love her.
• Stealing a sip and then a gulp of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s iced coffee because she loves me and would let me.
• Nibbling on Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s earlobes and inhaling the scent of her hair as I whisper in her ear to wake her up in the morning.


Lauren Elizabeth Kelley hamming it up and brandishing two spatulas at Fire & Ice on her 18th birthday.

• Laughing as Lauren Elizabeth Kelley brandished twin spatulas at Fire & Ice, when they let her cook on the big grill at Fire & Ice on her 18th birthday.
• Teaching Lauren Elizabeth Kelley how to parallel park and spending hours with her teaching her how to drive so she would be safer on the roads when she finally got her driver’s license.
• Going to the movies and seeing Lauren Elizabeth Kelley at the cinema she works at and getting a big hug and a huge smile from her when she sees me.


My funny and much beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley

• Rubbing Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s beautiful but not ticklish feet while she lounged on the sofa at her house before she had to get ready for work.
• Tickling Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and blowing raspberries on her beautiful smooth stomach and holding her in my arms.
• Tasting the salt on Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s skin when I would kiss her stomach.


Ellie giving me bunny ears at her 18th birthday dinner at Fire & Ice in Boston, 2010.

• Letting Lauren Elizabeth Kelley give me “bunny ears” when getting our photo taken at her 18th birthday party at Fire & Ice in Boston.
• Going with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and talking with her insurance agent and making sure she got the right things on her first car’s insurance policy as her mother Sue asked me to.
• Going over to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s house to make breakfast at 1600 in the afternoon because Bridget and Lauren Elizabeth were hungry and didn’t know what to make. Breakfast is probably Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s favorite meal.


Ellie beautiful smile during a late night game of Scrabble down at the Cape.

• Playing Scrabble late into the night and watching Lauren Elizabeth Kelley smile as she realizes that she can win—beating me with the words I had taught her.
• Walking into Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s family’s kitchen and stealing a cookie from the batch Bridget just pulled out of the oven and doing my cookie trick for her to see her laugh.
• Talking about projects she wanted to do around the house—like painting her room and converting the porch into a sunroom for her parent’s anniversary in the hopes her parents would install a hot tub in response.


Some of the snack-sized cheesecakes I loved to make and give to my beautiful and beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.

• Bringing Lauren Elizabeth Kelley cheesecakes and watching her try and sneak one and hide the aluminum pie plate in her room as she takes the rest to the kitchen to put in the freezer.
• Listening to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley tell me how she wants to name our children Kelley and Cadence and that the names would work for either boys or girls, and pointing out how it was a good thing she was going to take my last name, since naming a child Kelley Kelley would probably be evil.
• Laughing as Lauren Elizabeth Kelley capsized the O’Day Javelin her mother bought for Bridget—dumping Bridget, Johnny Jr., me and Lauren into the water.
• Laughing as I sent Bridget and Carmen to tickle Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and pounce on her even as she pleads for me to save her. I should have saved her, but I use my powers for good mostly.
• Going grocery shopping with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley because she didn’t like anything they had at the house to eat.
• Sitting and watching Lauren Elizabeth Kelley try on two dozen outfits and seeing how happy she was to fit into a size 3 pair of jeans and enjoying how good they look on her.


Lauren Elizabeth Kelley at Texas Roadhouse for dinner with me and her family.

• Seeing Lauren Elizabeth Kelley look so cool, confident and beautiful when we went out to dinner at the Texas Roadhouse. It was back when she still knew she was smart, capable, strong, beautiful and loved—and she knew I loved her.
• Putting together a car safety kit for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley because she had just bought her first car. The kit contained basic supplies like a first aid kit, a polar fleece blanket, jumper cables, spare fuses for her car’s electrical system, a good flashlight, and a tire pressure gauge that was once my twin brother’s because that is how much I love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.
• Carrying Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s purse and all the clothes she wanted to try on while out shopping with her. Shelley, Su, Gee and Yoon had done the same thing when shopping.


A group photo of Carmen’s mother, Johnny Kelley Jr. Carmen, Carmen’s brother, Bridget Kelley, and Lauren Elizabeth Kelley after we got ice cream at the ice cream truck at the park across from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s family’s Cape house in Yarmouth.

• Treating my beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to a Klondike bar at the ice cream truck stopped at the park across from her family’s Cape house in Yarmouth, Mass., with the Garcias.
• Walking Brandy, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s big white labrador retriever with her. Brandy is the company mascot for Lauren Elizabeth’s father’s company.
• Volunteering to fix her family’s clothes dryer just so I could have an excuse to spend time with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley in the mornings, and doing laundry for my beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley when I finally fixed the dryer.


My fierce, funny, sweet, feisty and lovable Lauren Elizabeth Kelley hamming it up for the camera down at her Cape house.

• Watching the funny faces that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would make while hamming it up for the camera down at her family’s Cape house. I love how expressive her beautiful face is.
• Walking up behind Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and wrapping my arms around her waist to hug the woman I love and resting my chin on her shoulder and burying my face in her beautiful and silken red hair and breathing in the scent of her hair.
• Taking photos of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley when she isn’t paying attention and making her laugh when she finally realizes what I’ve been doing.


My beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s freckled face…

• Telling Lauren Elizabeth Kelley that I wanted to kiss and count every freckle she had—like all the ones you can see on her beautiful, freckled face. I adore Lauren Elizabeth Kelley beyond measure and hope that she fights her addictions and comes home to me soon.
• Trying to count the freckles on Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s beautiful face just before waking her up for the day—wishing I had the courage to kiss them all.
• Getting hugs from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley when I’d bring her souvenirs from the various trips I went on. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was the only one who got more than one postcard or souvenir from me from any trip. She was always someone I loved to dote on and spoil.

These are all small vignettes of a life we shared together—of years of friendship, love, caring, devotion and loyalty. They are the truth of who we are to each other and what we have meant to each other over the years. I think Lauren Elizabeth’s sister Bridget was right when she said, “You’re perfect for her. No one else will ever love her or care about her the way you do or as much as you do” when I asked Bridget what she thought of me and her older sister as a couple.

These are the memories of the beautiful young girl that I have loved all of her life and the incredible woman she has grown into. These are the memories I will keep and cherish and share of the amazing woman I love and still hope to marry. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is mi querencia and mo chuisle mo chroi. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is the woman whose love for me has healed me.

These memories are part of the many reasons I have found the strength to abide and stay, even when Lauren appears to be nothing more than the drug-addicted alcoholic that has hurt me and lied about us. These memories are part of the reason I still want to be with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.

This is my gift to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—the amazing woman I love—for whenever she gains the strength, the courage and the will to fight her addictions and to see the truth once again. My beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, is one of the most honest people I have ever known—yet her addictions have robbed her of the truth and made her tell horrific lies.

I hope someday Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will look back and recognize the truth of what I have written here, of what the photos of us show and of the feelings we have shared over her entire life. I hope that she can forgive herself for destroying all that we had and all that she and I could have been together. I hope that we are together the way we should be in our next lives—for I know a love as strong as ours will eventually bring us together again.

I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life, cared for her all of her life, and considered her a part of my family since she was born. Last summer, I realized that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was the woman I loved most of all and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her—even if it means walking beside her on her long road to recovery.

I will never betray Lauren Elizabeth Kelley as Ian did. I will never throw Lauren Elizabeth Kelley away as Jarrod did. I will never hurt Lauren Elizabeth Kelley as her father has for years. I have never stopped loving Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, caring for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley or being Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s friend. I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will realize the truth some day soon—fight her addictions and come back to being the amazing woman I love so that we can start on the future we had talked about together.

I wish I could let Lauren Elizabeth Kelley see herself as I do for just a day—then she would not let her fears, insecurities or self-doubts give her addictions the power they hold over her. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is capable, strong, smart, sweet, kind, compassionate, generous, gracious, stubborn, feisty and lovable beyond measure—whether she sees the truth of this or not.

I do not know if I will still be here for her—because all I see is the drug-addicted alcoholic that she has been pretending to be for the past seventeen months. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—the woman that loves me and talked of starting a future together—is reading this, I would ask that she give me a clear and obvious sign that she still loves me and still want me to be here for her. If she are still here, there is nothing that would make me leave. If all that is left is the pale, pathetic, drug-addicted alcoholic shadow of her true self—then I have no reason to stay.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

Looking back on the last two years, I realize that I am thankful that I got the chance to tell Lauren Elizabeth Kelley how my feelings for her had changed and grown.

I am thankful that I got a chance to tell my amazing Lauren Elizabeth Kelley how much I loved her and ask her to marry me.

I am thankful that we got a chance to talk about possibly having a future together, even if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions make that future unlikely now.

I am thankful that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley told me she loved me and said “Sarangheyo” to me dozens of times the week we spent talking about our future together. I know she is too honest a person to have told me that if it were not what she meant and felt.

I am thankful that many of my friends have supported me and been there for me during this difficult time without judging me.

I am thankful for nearly two decades of love, happiness, friendship, caring, devotion and loyalty that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I shared. I will always cherish the memories of the time we spent together, as friends, and as something more. I’ve written about a few of these cherished and treasured memories at: http://bit.ly/UaOrna

I hope and pray that the beautiful woman I love—Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—will find the courage, the strength and, most of all, the will to fight her addictions. I hope that the knowledge that there is at least one person that loves her and finds her so amazing that he would want to spend the rest of his life with her will help her find what she needs to fight her addictions.

I hope that the words and wishes I have for my beautiful Irish rose eventually find their way to her and reach her before it is too late—before her addictions cost her her health, her mind, her spirit and her future. I know she was still reading what I wrote and listening to the advice I had for her as of the end of February because she said she was.

I hope and pray that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will eventually find her way back to whom God meant for her to be—the amazing, strong, beautiful, smart, gracious, compassionate, kind, happy, good, sweet, feisty, lovable red-haired, freckled woman that I love and asked to marry me.

Most of all, I wish Lauren Elizabeth Kelley happiness, success, joy, health, long life and love—no matter what happens between us, because I love her that much. Loving one imperfect person is the hard stuff, as Glennon of Momastery wrote. Glennon is right—she should know, having come through recovery along a path similar to the road that my Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is on. http://bit.ly/RjBT8U

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley should never recover from her addictions, or if her path should take her out of my life forever—I will miss her and mourn for the future we could have had and grieve over the loss of one of the most incredible women I have ever known. I hope that we will be together in our next life, because I know a love as strong as the one we have shared will bring us together once again.

I would ask my friends and family pray for the beautiful, feisty, freckled, redheaded Irish woman I have come to love more than anyone else I have ever known—pray for her safety and for her safe return to being whom God has meant for her to be. http://www.godvine.com/prayers/44906

I have stood by my vows to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley for eighteen months, waiting and hoping that she would recover from her addictions—so that she and I could start on the amazing future we had once talked about—the future that includes our children—the Asians with freckles that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley said she adored. As more time goes by, it seems less and less likely that that future will ever come true—because it seems less and less likely that the incredible woman that said “Sarangheyo” dozens of times has survived the horrors of her addictions.

If my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley does still exist, I hope she can give me a clear and obvious sign that she is still there, fighting her addictions and still loves me; still wants the future we talked about; and wants me to accompany her on long road to recovery. As I have said to her—if nothing remains of the strong, feisty, freckled Irish woman I love but the pale, drug-addicted alcoholic that she has been for these eighteen months, then there is no reason for me to stay—no one to keep my vows to—no one I love or care about left.

I do not know the drug-addicted alcoholic, except as someone who has lied about me, hurt me, and destroyed everything I love about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I know that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would want me to move on if she is truly lost to her addictions because she loves me and would want me to be happy and loved—Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would agree that I deserve so much better than the pathetic and wretched thing that she has become. I forgive Lauren Elizabeth Kelley for what she has said and done because of her addictions, and know that it was not truly her choice to say and do those things.

I will abide by the vows I have made to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley a while longer in the forlorn hope that she still lives and hears these words before I move on. I hope that she gives me the sign I need to see so I know she is still here. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is still here, there is nothing that can make me leave. If all that is left is the drug-addicted alcoholic, then there is no reason to stay.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—

The world is moving, either you move with it or you get mowed over. This position that you think you’re in is on you and if you’re not careful you’re going to wind up all alone and you’ll have no one to blame but you.

You are breaking my heart—because I love you so much and want to be with you and I know you love me but your addictions prevent us from starting on the future we talked about. I hope I am wrong, but I think you have some really hard days ahead of you—the longer you put them off, the harder I think they will be.

Addiction and alcoholism are both progressive diseases of the mind and the longer you are an alcoholic and an addict, the harder it is going to be to break free of your addictions. No one else in your life is willing to tell you the truth. No one else in your life is willing to help you or stand by you. I can see what your addictions have been costing you and have tried to warn you.

I don’t even know if you’re still reading what I write, but I am hoping that you still are. I know you were still reading last March. I hope that there is still some part of you that recognizes the truth of what I have been trying to tell you and still cares enough about herself to read what I am writing. I do not say these things to hurt you—but to warn you that you are hurting yourself in ways that may take years for you to fully realize.

One reason I am still writing to you is that I still hope that we can have that future we once talked about with the Asians with freckles that you say you adore that our children would be. I still trust and believe in the amazing woman that loves me.

I don’t know if you—the woman I love—even exist any more. I don’t know if you are lost to your addictions or if somewhere deep inside the wretched, lying, weak and craven drug-addicted alcoholic, you are still fighting to get back to being the amazing woman God has always intended for you to be. If you are still there…know that I am here for you for a while longer—until I believe that you are lost to your addictions and that I have no choice but to move on as you would want me to because you love me.

I hope you did better this semester than you did last year. If you do not have a problem with drugs and alcohol, ask yourself:

• Why did you do so badly last year?

• How come you have not made Dean’s List since your freshman year, where you were taking 25% more courses than you have been the last two years?
• Why did you suddenly start drinking and doing drugs after Ian betrayed you?
• Why you have pushed away the man you said you love and know loves you more than anyone else you have ever known
• How did you get into the accident you had in January 2012?
• Why did you suddenly start using strong perfumes and scents in your car and bedroom?
• Why have you deleted tweets and changed profile photos that I have commented on?
• Why did you perjure yourself to protect your father, the man who has verbally and emotionally abused you for years?

It really is all up to you, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. You can choose to live out your days as a drug-addicted alcoholic, and if you’re lucky, you’ll have a relatively normal life like your father. This is especially true if you are a high-functioning alcoholic like your father, which I believe is the case.

But if you choose to do that:

• you will never really appreciate life or love anyone truly.

• You will be stuck in abusive relationships like the one your mother and father have.
• You will never really understand the joy and power of a love like the one you and I could have or the one Gee and I had.
• You will never reach the full potential that God has given you or become the woman that God has always intended for you to be.
• You will never achieve all the dreams and goals you once trusted me with.

Most of all, the world will lose one of the most amazing women I have ever known—one of the few I know is capable of reaching the level of graciousness that Gee had. That would be a far greater tragedy than anything else I can think of.

I love you Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I have loved you all of your life and always will. I trust you Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I have always trusted you. I believe in you Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I have always believed in you and been one of your biggest supporters and always tried to help you achieve your goals and make your dreams come true.

I keep praying for you Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and hope that you will find the strength and courage it will take to face your fears and fight your addictions. I keep hoping that you will find the grace you need to learn to love yourself, trust yourself and believe in yourself again.

I have been steadfast for almost two years now. I have stood by and watched the horrific things your addictions have made you say and do and been able to do nothing to help you. I am still waiting for you to come to your senses and become the strong, beautiful, intelligent and stubborn woman I know you truly are once again. I do not know how much longer I will be able to do this…but I will do it as long as I can because I believe in you, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—the woman that loves me.

I will warn you though, once I decide to walk away, there will be nothing left for you in my life. It will cost me everything to do that and I will not turn back for anything—not even you—once I decide to leave. I do not know when this will happen, but unless you choose to be more than the drug-addicted, lying, weak and craven alcoholic that would prostitute herself and give her beautiful and priceless body away for the drugs and alcohol her addictions require, it will happen.

The ball is in your court. It is time for you to pick it up and decide if you want to take a chance on us and become the amazing woman God has always meant for you to be or if you are going to succumb to your addictions and be nothing more than the lying, weak, craven, drug-addicted, alcoholic, pathetic shadow of your true self.

Time is running out. It is up to you.

If you choose to fight your addictions, I will walk beside you on your long road to recovery and spend the rest of my life with you as I have promised. But, you will first have to make amends and take responsibility for the things your addictions have made you say and do and tell the whole world the truth about who we are to each other and how we feel about each other.

If you choose to remain the drug-addicted alcoholic, then I will mourn you, grieve for the amazing woman you were once, and move on. I know you are strong enough, smart enough and stubborn enough to beat your addictions—the only real question is if you value yourself, love yourself, trust yourself and believe in yourself enough to do it. Do you love me enough to fight for us?

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

“If she ever had opened that heart of hers, if she’d found the right man, it wouldn’t have mattered to him how little time they had.”

~Ohlyvya, Midst Toil and Tribulation by David Weber

Fortunately, Gee did open that heart of hers, she did find the right man and it didn’t matter how little time we had together.

It is hard to believe that it was only 23 months and not quite one day that Gee and I had together… in so many ways it was a complete lifetime together… things that we only did once or twice somehow managed to become traditions in my mind.

I just wish all the women I love were as wise and brave as my Gee was.

When I asked Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to marry me on June 22, 2011, I was hoping that would be just the start of many years together as something more than the friends we had been most of her life. I never thought that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would fall to drugs and alcohol and that her addictions would cost us so much.

It is very sad to think that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—someone I had known, loved, and cared about for over ten times as long as I knew Gee—would give up all that we had together and all that we could have had together for the things her addictions crave. It is hard to believe that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions made her throw away twenty years of love, caring, devotion, friendship, trust, respect and loyalty.

I have spent the last eighteen months, since Lauren Elizabeth Kelley stopped speaking to me after I confronted her about her drinking on June 29th, 2011, trying to help her see that she has a problem with drugs and alcohol and getting her the help she needs to beat her addictions.

The futile months I spent toiling and trying to get Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to see that she has serious problems with drugs and alcohol that will likely cost Lauren Elizabeth Kelley her health, her mind, her body, her reputation, her integrity, her honor, her dignity and her future is not wasted time in my opinion. It was the least I could do for someone I have loved all of her life—over twenty years. It was my duty and honor to try and help the amazing woman I love, but I have done all I can for her now.

Today is the deadline for me to walk away from my beautiful, strong, feisty, beloved freckled Irish redhead. In many ways, I am relieved that I have made this decision. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions are a horrible thing and unless the strong, brave and honest woman I love has realized that they are a problem and is willing to fight them, there is no reason for me to stay and try and fight them and let her addictions destroy me.

Drug addiction and alcoholism are both progressive diseases that live and thrive in the dark. The light of truth is their enemy. The social stigma and shame associated with both diseases help keep their victims from coming forward and dealing with them. The shame and guilt associated with the changes in behavior and the lies and devastation caused by what an addict’s illness causes them to say and do further make it hard for the addict to admit they have a problem and accept responsibility for what they have done because of their addictions.

Two examples from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s own issues with drugs and alcohol are the eighteen months of lies that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has been telling about us—who we are to each other and how we feel about each other—and how she had basically prostituted herself—giving her body to Jarrod for the drugs and alcohol her addictions require—for months last year.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was once one of the most honest people I had known. Yet, because of her addictions she has lied about the years of friendship, love, devotion, loyalty, trust, caring and respect that we have shared all of her life.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has perjured herself and told lies about me to protect her father, John, from being confronted again by me about his own problems with alcoholism. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has done this even though John has emotionally abused her for years and treated her and her mother so poorly that his employees would confront him and risk losing their jobs about it. I know how badly John has treated Lauren Elizabeth Kelley because I have witnessed it so many times over the past twenty years.

Likewise, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was once a devout Catholic with honor, integrity and morals that would have prevented her from the promiscuous sexual behavior that has happened because of her addictions. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has tried to convince herself that she was in love with Jarrod, but from his own posts, it was pretty clear that he was sleeping with at least four or five other women while he and Lauren Elizabeth Kelley were together. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, at least the woman I love, would never have accepted that kind of situation and she kicked her previous boyfriend, Ian, to the curb for cheating on her and sleeping with another woman once—much less four or five of them for months.

Some of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s other social media posts, like the one from last January when she and her friend Michelle went into Boston to drink and watch the AFC finals last January where Lauren Elizabeth Kelley stated she wasn’t responsible for anything that happened in the last twelve hours. Now, she had also posted that she was on the train heading home and had pretty obviously spent the night in Boston. Considering that neither she nor Michelle had an apartment in Boston and the dormitories at Emmanuel College were closed for the winter break, one has to wonder where she spent the night and with whom. Obviously, she was ashamed of what she had done, or why would she have denied being responsible for the last twelve hours.

These are things that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would never allowed to happen or done if she were healthy. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was a woman who believed in right and wrong and was a feminist that believed her body was worth something and would not have given it away for drugs and alcohol as the drug-addicted alcoholic has done.

Alcoholism and drug addiction are evil diseases that affect so many more people than the drug-addict or alcoholic themselves. They are diseases of the family and affect all the people that love and care about the drug-addict or alcoholic.

In hindsight, I am really not surprised that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley stopped speaking to me on the day I confronted her about her drinking, though I didn’t know at the time she was a drug addict or an alcoholic. Given that we had spent most of the previous week talking about having children, what she wanted to name our children, when we would get married, where we would get married and all the other things that had to do with us starting a life together after I asked Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to marry me on June 22, 2011—it really isn’t a surprise that she pushed me away either.

Pushing away the people that they love most is a common reaction for many drug addicts and alcoholics, even if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley doesn’t realize it. In fact, I think it says quite a bit that I am the only person that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley saw fit to push away since she has fallen to drugs and alcohol.

But, over the past eighteen months, I realized that her addictions are hurting me and affecting me. Her addictions and the horrific things that they make Lauren Elizabeth Kelley do and say and the pain they cause me are affecting me and that is the real reason I had to walk away from someone I love so much.

In fact, it is because I love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley so much that I walked away. I did it to remain the person that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, at least the person she is when she isn’t a drug-addicted alcoholic, loves and talked about raising a family with. I did it to remain healthy and strong enough to be able to keep my promise to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley that if she needs me to accompany her on her long road to recovery, I will be strong enough to do it.

I doubt that will ever happen though. I think that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, much like her father John, will be too successful as an alcoholic and drug-addict to ever really hit the rock bottom that most drug addicts and alcoholics need to hit to realize that their addictions are a serious problem and need to be dealt with.

So, I doubt that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will ever realize what her addictions to drugs and alcohol are costing her—at least not before I am long gone from her life. I haven’t been a part of her life by her own choice and by the coercion her father has subjected her to for eighteen months, and I doubt I will ever be a part of her life again.

Tweets to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley on New Year’s Eve 2012

A few recent tweets that were directed to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley clearly show her problems with marijuana.

The drug-addicted alcoholic.

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley wasn’t strong enough, wise enough and smart enough to see that all I have done for the past eighteen months was done out of a deep and abiding love I have had for her all of her life then she really is no longer the woman I love. It really seems that the pathetic, weak, stupid, cowardly, dishonest and selfish drug-addicted alcoholic is all that is left and I have no commitment to that wretched thing.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s own family is deeply in denial about all of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s problems, even though everything I warned her mother Sue about in August of 2011 has come to pass as I said it would. Of course, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s father and brother are both alcoholics in denial and Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s sister and mother are both too terrified of her father John, a cowardly bully that has emotionally abused his own family for decades.

Fighting for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and trying to get her the help she needs has cost me financially, socially, psychologically, spiritually and physically. Yet, I do not regret it. Doing everything that was within my power, regardless of the cost to me, to try and help the woman I love is just who I am. This is something Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, her mother Sue and her sister Bridget should know because of all I went through with Gee and Su.

So, I am finally closing the door on this chapter of my life, even though I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is the woman Gee asked me to seek out after she was gone. I know that like my love for Gee, my love for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is too strong for us to be kept apart by her illness—whether it will be in this life or our next lives, eventually, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I will be together as Gee predicted.

I wish my fiery, feisty-spirited, stubborn, smart and beautiful freckled, redhaired, much beloved Irish rose well and I hope God grants her the peace and serenity that she will need to learn to love herself, trust herself and believe in herself again. I hope that God grants her the wisdom to see the truth of what her addictions are doing to her, what they have cost her and who she and I were to each other and how we really felt about each other.

I doubt that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would have told me “I love you” and “Sarangheyo” the dozens of times she did that week we were talking about marriage, having children and such unless she really did love me. I doubt she would have asked to see the claddagh ring I had bought her as an engagement ring unless she was planning on accepting it and my proposal of marriage. But, we will never know because the amazing and funny and beautiful woman I love has fallen to her addiction to drugs and alcohol.

I hope that one day Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will recover enough to read the post I titled “My Gift to Lauren Elizabeth” and realize that those vingettes I wrote are the truths of who we were and how much we loved each other.

I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will find the grace to forgive herself for what she has said and done because of her addictions. I always thought that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was one of the only people I have ever met that might be capable of the kind of grace that my late wife Gee was blessed with. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is capable of so much more than the drug-addicted alcoholic she has become will ever know. I know this because I have known Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and had the honor and pleasure of watching her grow from an adorable toddler, through a horrifically selfish and rotten child into a woman that was so beautiful, smart, strong, funny, confident and lovable that I asked her to marry me.

I have done all I can for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and am finally walking away from the one person I never thought this would happen with. It is up to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley now. I have not burned the bridges between us, though Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions have tried to do just that.

A card for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley ever returns to being the amazing woman I love so much—the woman that loves me and wanted the future with Asians with freckles—then she can choose to seek me out. But, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to prove that she is once again the woman that loves me and more than the drug-addicted alcoholic.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to show me that she has made a place for me in her life beside her and that she will fight to keep me there—that she is as committed to our relationship and to me as I have always been to her. Finally, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to tell the truth about the lies her addictions and her father made her tell and make amends for all the devastation and destruction caused by what her addictions made her say and do.

These are non-negotiable and the smart, beautiful, strong, capable woman I love would agree that they are the least the man she loves deserves for his loyalty, faith and commitment to her—when Lauren Elizabeth Kelley did not deserve it. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is honorable and has the honesty and integrity to understand that these are the minimum of what she has to do. But, they are not things the drug-addicted alcoholic will ever understand or be capable of doing.

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley does not know how deep and strong the love I have for her is, then she is more blind and stupid than I could ever imagine. If the things I have written and done and the months I have been steadfast and loyal to her—even when she has done nothing to deserve such love and devotion–are not proof enough then nothing ever will be.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

Happy New Year’s Eve to all my friends and family.

This is the last day of the year and I, for one, am very happy to see 2012 end. I hope the New Year 2013 brings all of you success, health and happiness.

I hope that 2013 will be a better year for many of us. 2012 did not bring the miracle I was hoping for when I wrote this post last year. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is still lost to her addictions and it does not appear that she will be able to see the truth anytime soon.

I have finally realized that I have to walk away from the amazing woman I love, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, because her addictions are not only destroying her, but me as well. Drug addiction and alcoholism are both family diseases in that they don’t only affect the person who has the problem with drugs and/or alcohol but the diseases affect all the people that love the drug addict or alcoholic as well.

I have finally realized that even as much as I love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—someone I have loved for all of her life and always will love—my love alone isn’t strong enough to protect me from the ravages of her illness. Unless Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is healthy enough to fight her addictions and to love me—I can not stay and fight for her any longer. I wish this were not the case, but the last eighteen months has proven otherwise.

So, starting tomorrow, the first day of 2013, I am walking away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I think that this will be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I am walking away for so many reasons.

I am walking away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley because her addictions are damaging me and making be become someone I do not want to be. I am becoming someone that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would not love—someone that does not love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. Her addictions are turning me into something that I would loathe and despise as much as Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would loathe and despise the drug-addicted alcoholic she has become if she were healthy. So, to protect myself and remain the man that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley loves, I have to walk away.

The drug-addicted alcoholic.

I am walking away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley because I love her and have promised her that I would walk beside her on her long road to recovery if she asked me to—but only by walking away can I protect myself and keep myself healthy enough and strong enough to be able to help Lauren Elizabeth Kelley if she should ask me for help fighting her addictions. While I realize I can not fight her addictions alone—if she were fighting them with me, I know I would be able to help her because we are so much greater together than we could ever be apart.

Tweets to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley on New Year’s Eve 2012

I am walking away because all that is left of the woman that loves me is a pathetic, weak, cowardly, dishonest and selfish drug-addicted alcoholic. If all that is left of my beautiful, strong, feisty, stubborn and compassionate Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is the drug-addicted alcoholic that is all I have seen for the past eighteen months, then there is no reason for me to stay. I have no commitment or promise to the drug-addicted alcoholic wretch that is all that is left of my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.

420 is stoner slang for smoking marijuana, and it certainly looks like Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is toking on a joint.420 is stoner slang for smoking marijuana, and it certainly looks like Ellie is toking on a joint.

This isn’t to say I don’t love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I do love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—even more now than when I asked her to marry me back in June 2011. I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and I always will love her. I do not know how to not love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I still want to marry my beloved, feisty, smart, stubborn, strong, capable and honest freckled red-haired Irish rose and raise a family with her as we talked about for a week in June 2011.

But, unless Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is there fighting her addictions and asks me for help, I can not stay. I can not watch her addictions destroy everything I love about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and remain whole and unhurt. Until Lauren Elizabeth Kelley realizes that she has a serious problem with drugs and alcohol and fights her addictions, I have to leave.

However, I am not burning any bridges behind me because I still hold myself to the vows and commitments I have made to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley should ever return to being the amazing woman that loves me and wants my help along her long road to recovery as I have promised her, her mother Sue and her little sister Bridget, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will need to seek me out and ask me for my help. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to prove that she is once again the woman I love—the woman that loves me.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s beautiful smile during a late night game of Scrabble down at the Cape.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to show me that she has made a place for me beside her in her life and will fight to keep me there. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to show me that she is as committed to me and our relationship as I have always been. Finally, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to make amends for the damage and devastation caused by the actions and lies her addictions made her do and say—she will have to tell the truth about who we are to each other and how we feel about each other.

Right now, I don’t see much chance of that happening. If the past eighteen months hasn’t shown Lauren Elizabeth Kelley that she has a serious problem with both drugs and alcohol, then she will need to hit rock bottom as most alcoholics and drug-addicts need to before she will realize that her addictions are a serious problem.

The huge drop in her grades—where Lauren Elizabeth Kelley hasn’t made Dean’s List and has put her scholarship at risk even though she has been taking fewer classes than she was her freshman year hasn’t made her realize she has a problem with drugs and alcohol. Even though she was taking five courses a semester in her Freshman year, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was able to easily make Dean’s List with a 3.634 GPA. Her sophomore year, she was only taking four classes a semester and clearly had a lot of trouble with her classes—and I doubt it was because her classes were so much harder.

The car accident she was in almost a year ago was likely caused by her driving while drunk and/or high by what her own social media posts indicated. Yet, she doesn’t see driving impaired as a problem and has likely been driving high and/or drunk fairly regularly for the past nineteen months.

The fact that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley basically prostituted herself for several months last year—trading her body and sex for the drugs and alcohol her addictions require should also have been a wake up call for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. Yet, she has lied to herself about her relationship with Jarrod because she needs to be able to deny that is what she was doing. Jarrod clearly never loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley or really even cared about her. By Jarrod’s own social media posts, it is likely he was sleeping with at least four or five other women during the time Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was with him.

Finally, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—one of the most honest people I have ever known—has been lying about who she and I are to each other, how we feel about each other and what our relationship was like for the past eighteen months. These lies should have shown her something was wrong. The truth of who Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I were to each other is pretty clearly visible in the photos of us together. The love, caring, happiness and laughter we shared whenever we were together belies what Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has been saying for the past eighteen months.

Unfortunately, hitting rock bottom, like most drug-addicts and alcoholics have to do before they can admit they have a problem with drugs and alcohol, will likely require that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley end up in the hospital, in jail, flunking out of Emmanuel College or living on the street. Whatever it takes, I hope it happens quickly and does not permanently injure my beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I hope she hits rock bottom before her addictions permanently damage her health, her mind, her body or her future.

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley never recovers from her addictions and is lost to them forever—if fate does not allow Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to return to me and the future we had talked about this past summer, I wish her well and hope that she finds love, happiness, health and success. I will grieve for the amazing woman I love and mourn over the lost future we had once talked about.

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley can not find the strength and courage to fight her illness and return to health, I hope that God is merciful and grants her peace. I know that a love as strong and true as the one we have shared for twenty years will bring us together in this life or the next.

I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knows I will always love her and care for her, as I have all of her life. I pray for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and ask that my guardian angels watch over my beloved and protect her from what they can. Be well beloved, and know you are truly loved and missed by me.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—

I have finally realized I was holding on to something that does not exist anymore—that nothing was left of the amazing, beautiful, strong, smart, honest and capable woman I love except the drug-addicted alcoholic shell that has, for eighteen months, lied about us, who we were to each other and how we felt about each other. If nothing more remains of the incredibly sweet, compassionate, gracious and lovable woman that loves me—it is time to let go and move on—leaving the lies and pain she causes behind. All she can care about now is her next drink and next blunt.

The drug-addicted alcoholic.

I doubt you will ever truly understand how much my love for you has cost me or why I did all that I have done. I know you can not understand what love means until you love yourself. I know you can not love anything or anyone other than the drugs and alcohol your addictions require until you are in recovery and able to love yourself again.

I know you will never find the peace you seek or true happiness as long as you are living a lie. Only by facing your fears and admitting the truth can you really begin to live your life and become the person God has always intended you to be—the woman I love and have always known you to be.

I am not walking away because I do not love you anymore—I am walking away because I love you and need to protect the man you love from the damage your addictions are doing to the people in your life. I am walking away because I can no longer bear to see what your addictions have turned you into—someone who would prostitute herself for months to get the drugs and alcohol her addictions require and see nothing wrong with doing that.

I am walking away because if all that is left is the drug-addicted alcoholic that can tell lies for months on end about us, who we are to each other and how we feel about each other, then there is no reason for me to stay.

It is now all up to you Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. It is your life and the choices you make are the ones you will have to live with. If you want me in your life, then you will have to come find me and ask to be a part of my life again. I will not tolerate the lies and the abuse your addictions have caused you to say and do any longer.

I have spent enough time trying to help you—Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, the amazing woman I love—and can do no more for her. Trying to help you has cost me enough financially, socially, spiritually, physically and emotionally. The devastation and lies your addictions have caused have also cost me as well. You will eventually realize the truth of what you have done and said and how badly your actions and lies have hurt me—the man you love. I hope you can forgive yourself for that. I do not hold what your addictions have made you do and say against you.

If, by some miracle, you finally hit rock bottom and realize what your addictions are doing to you—what your addictions have cost you and you finally decide to fight them—to fight to become the amazing woman God has always meant for you to be—I hope you will make your amends and seek me out. I never stopped loving you, caring about you or being your friend—it was you and your addictions that did all that.

If you seek me out, make your amends and can prove that you are once again the woman that loves me—more than the drug-addicted alcoholic you have been for the past nineteen months—and show me that you have made a place for me beside you in your life and will fight to keep me there—that you are as committed to me and our relationship as I have always been—I will walk beside you on your long road to recovery as I have promised you, your mother Sue and your sister Bridget.

Walking beside you on your long road to recovery is my duty to the woman I love. I want to be the person that wipes your tears when you cry, that catches you when you stumble or fall, that protects you when you feel frightened or scared, that guides you when you get lost or feel confused, and most of all—that loves you more, each and every day.

I have loved you all of your life Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I will always love you because love is eternal. If you do not find your way back to me in this life, I am sure we will be together again in our next life because a love as strong and true as the one that we have grown and shared for twenty years mere death is no barrier to.

I wish you—Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, the woman I love—success, health, long-life, happiness and most of all, love. But, I doubt you will find any of these things as long as you are a drug-addicted alcoholic.

I pray that you will hit rock bottom quickly and realize that you have serious problems with drugs and alcohol before your addictions cost you much of your health, mind, and future. This will likely require that you end up in the hospital, jail, living on the street or flunking out of school. But, in the long run, facing your addictions will give you a longer, healthier and happier life than being a pale, drug-addicted, alcoholic shadow of whom God has always meant for you to be.

I hope you do well at Emmanuel College. I hope your addictions don’t make you lose your scholarship as they were threatening to do last year. I hope your grades are better this semester and that you continue to do well—because I love you.

I hope and pray that God finally grants you the peace you are looking for. I hope that He gives you the strength, the courage and the will to fight your addictions; the wisdom to realize that you have a problem with alcohol and drugs before your addictions destroy your body, mind, health, and future; the serenity to love yourself, trust yourself and believe in yourself once again; and that God grants you the Grace to forgive yourself for all the pain, destruction and lies your addictions have made you do and say.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

I am wishing all of my friends and family a Merry Christmas and hope the New Year brings them all success, health and happiness.

I hope that this Christmas season will bring healing to the families in Connecticut who have lost so much this December.

I also have some simple wishes and hopes for this Christmas season.

First, I wish that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, the beautiful, smart, funny, tough, feisty, and stubborn woman I love realizes she has a problem with drugs and alcohol and asks for the help she needs to get better. I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knows that I am here for her–because she is the amazing woman that loves me–that I love. I hope she knows that while I won’t enable her illness–I will support her, love her and care for her as no one else can.

I pray that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley asks for my help in getting better–to walk along side her on her road to recovery–so we can start sharing the life together as we had started to discuss last summer. As I have promised Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, her mother Sue and her sister Bridget—if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley asks me to, I will be there to wipe her tears when she cries; protect her when she feels threatened or scared; guide her when she feels lost or confused; and love her always–more each and every day.

I wish Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would return to my life, where I believe she belongs. I am willing to help her on her road to recovery. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley does not have to face the difficulties of healing herself alone. We are stronger and better together than we ever could be apart. I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley realizes our relationship is worth fighting for. But, I can’t be the only one fighting–I need her help. When I asked Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to marry me, I was asking to be her partner in all things, including this.

I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley doesn’t allow her fears, insecurities and self-doubts to beat her. I don’t think she realizes how beautiful, smart and strong she really is yet–not deep in her heart and mind where it matters.I think if she could see herself the way I do, it would help her realize what an amazing woman she truly is and why I love her so much. Her fears, insecurities and self-doubts are what give her addictions the powerful hold they have over her. If she were honest enough, brave enough and smart enough to face her fears, she would see how baseless they truly are.

I hope Lauren Elizabeth Kelley doesn’t let her addictions continue much longer. Her addictions make her act in ways that are unnatural for her and make her less than she can be, and will ruin her future and destroy her dreams.

I have spent much of the last eighteen months fighting for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, trying to get her the help I believe she has needed, to no avail. I can’t fight any longer, not without her help. Until my beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley finally realizes that she has a problem with drugs and alcohol and decides that she deserves better no one can help her. Until Lauren Elizabeth Kelley asks me for my help I can do nothing but watch her slowly destroy herself and her future.

So I have decided to walk away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley in January. It isn’t that I don’t love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and always will—that is why I have to walk away. I can not stay and watch her addictions destroy her and remain the person that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley loves. I can not keep my promise to help her on her long road to recovery if I stay. I have realized that her addictions are affecting me and making me become something that I do not want to be—so I am leaving before I become someone I would loathe and despise as much as Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would loathe and despise the wretched, dishonest, weak, cowardly drug-addled alcoholic that she has become if she were healthy.

Addiction is a disease that lives in the dark. Addictions can not stand the light of truth. Addictions are not a disease of a single person, but a family disease since the addiction affects the addict and everyone she loves and cares about. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions are affecting me. I thought my love for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was strong enough to protect me from her addictions, but that is clearly not the case—not without Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s love protecting me, so I must leave.

I have chosen January—the New Year—to walk away because Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was once a devout Catholic and she and I both believed that Christmas was a time of love, family, and most of all, miracles. I am still praying for a miracle to bring my beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley back to me so that we can start on the future we once talked about.

I never thought I would think of the smart and beautiful woman I love as stupid, but anyone who knows the truth about who we are to each other as is clearly evident in all the photos of us together, yet can still tell the lies she has been telling for eighteen months, must be stupid. Knowing the truth, seeing the truth, but believing the lies requires someone to be stupid. But, I guess it really isn’t my beautiful, smart, strong, brave, gracious beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley that is stupid, but the drug-addicted alcoholic wretch that is all that remains of her.

I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley learns to love herself enough to want be more than an alcoholic and a drug addict. Until she does love herself, she will not be able to love anyone in any real way or accept anyone’s love–even mine. Until Lauren Elizabeth Kelley learns to trust herself and believe in herself, she will never find happiness. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley were going to find happiness in the drugs and alcohol I believe she would have found it by now. By numbing herself with the drugs and alcohol, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is ignoring the truth of the real problems that have caused her to seek oblivion.

We have been friends for a long time, we have cared about each other for years. I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life in some way, and I know she loves me. So, why won’t she fight to save herself? Why won’t she fight to save what we have together? I think it is because she doesn’t yet realize how beautiful, smart, strong, or courageous a person she is.

Finally, I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley finally realizes that she is strong enough, brave enough, smart enough and stubborn enough to beat her addictions–especially with me by her side. If by some miracle, all these hopes and wishes come to pass, I promise Lauren Elizabeth Kelley that I will be her devoted and loving partner, as I have been her devoted and loving friend for most of her life. I have believed in her all of her life. I have been her greatest supporter and always tried to help her accomplish her goals and fulfill her dreams. I have always tried to protect her and advise her, because I have always loved her.

If not, I will be walking away in a week’s time. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley finally finds the strength, courage and will to fight her addictions; if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley finds the wisdom to see the truth about who she and I are to each other and how much we love each other; if she finds the grace to love herself, trust herself and believe in herself again enough to follow her heart and make her amends—I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will seek me out and ask to be a part of my life again—ask to start on the future we once talked about.

I am not burning the bridges I am crossing because I still hope and pray that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will find her way home to me. I have left it up to her though. I will no longer seek her out. I will no longer subject myself to the abuse, the horrors and the lies her addictions have caused her to do and say. The drug-addicted alcoholic that seems to be all that is left of my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is not worth my time, my effort, or my love. If that is all that remains of my sweet, beautiful much missed Irish rose, then I have no reason to stay.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

Santa,

I’ve tried to be a good boy this year. I have a very simple request for Christmas–can I just have Lauren Elizabeth Kelley please? I know she’s not perfect, but I do love her very much. I think she’s beautiful, smart and funny. I know she’s the one I was told to look for 11 years ago. I promise I’ll take good care of her and love her for the rest of my life.

I know she’s not healthy right now and that she needs help, but I’m willing to help her get better. I will walk by her side to help her along the long road to recovery if she asks me to. I would be honored to be the one to wipe her tears when she cries, pick her up when she falls, support her when she stumbles or falters, protect her when she feels frightened or threatened, guide her when she is lost or confused and most of all, love her more each and every day.

I would point out that I have a lot of experience doing this, as I have been her friend, guide, protector, and confidante for much of her life and I have loved her in some form for all of her life. I have cared for her and her family for over 30 years now, and never stopped, even when they don’t recognize our friendship and when their actions haven’t merited it. Her mother Sue’s last text to me was, “Danny, I know that you will always be here for us.”, and I have been for over 30 years.

I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley loves me because she told me so in two different languages dozens of times during the brief week we were talking about our future together earlier last year. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley hadn’t told me that–if I didn’t know how much she loves me–I would have walked away from her because there would be no reason for me to stay and no commitment between us.

However, I do have a commitment to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley because she does love me. I think we deserve a chance to explore that possible future with kids that are Asians with freckles, and all the other things we discussed. I have the claddagh ring I bought for her right here—waiting for her to accept it as I believe she was going to when she asked to see it on June 28th, before I confronted her about her drinking.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s illness is not a reason to throw away that future. I know she is smart enough, strong enough and brave enough to fight her illness and get better, once she realizes that she is ill. But, until she realizes that she has a problem with alcohol and drugs, there is nothing I can do to help her. So, Santa, please make her realize she has a problem and ask me for my help in getting better, so we can get on with the future we were talking about.

If you can, show my beautiful and beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley how much I love her and that I still want to spend the rest of our lives together. I hope I see Lauren Elizabeth Kelley again soon. However, given how Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has fallen to her addictions, I doubt I will ever see the amazing woman I love—the strong, smart, beautiful, honest, compassionate and lovable woman that loves me—ever again.

Dan

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

I have to wonder why someone would refuse a breathalyzer when involved in a car accident if they’ve only had one glass of wine to drink. In the state of Massachusetts refusing a breathalyzer automatically results in an 180-day suspension of one’s driver’s license. It doesn’t make sense.

Anyone over the age of 21 and over 90 lbs. isn’t going to be legally drunk after a single glass of wine. It is very unlikely that the person had the glass of wine just before they left their company’s Christmas party to drive home—so some of the alcohol should have been metabolized by the liver.

So, either the person is lying about how much wine they had to drink and refused the breathalyzer because they knew they were likely over the limit, or they’re just really stupid.

But, from my experience with alcoholics, they’re very good at lying to themselves and everyone else. They’re also pretty stupid about anything that has to do with their addiction.

Can anyone think of a valid reason to refuse a breathalyzer if they’ve really only had a single glass of wine? I certainly can’t.

Blood Alcohol Content for Women

Of course, the story is quite different if you are under the age of 21, like my beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. The BAC level for someone under the age of 21 is only .02, rather than .08. It is likely that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would be considered legally drunk after a single drink. Given her drinking and drug use over the past eighteen months, it is pretty likely that she has been driving high, drunk or both, quite regularly for the past eighteen months.

One person I know that was recently arrested for DUI is now worried about losing her job, having her children find out that she was driving drunk, and so much more. This is what Lauren Elizabeth Kelley can look forward to if she continues to let her addictions run her life. This is why I am walking away from the drug-addicted alcoholic that is all that remains of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley.

Unless Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, the woman that loves me, is willing to fight her addictions, I can not stay. I am not strong enough to see what her addictions have done to her and how they have destroyed almost everything I love about her. Her addictions have turned the honest, strong, brave, compassionate, gracious, generous, smart and beautiful woman I love into a dishonest, weak, cowardly, selfish, stupid and ugly drug-addicted alcoholic that cares about nothing but her next drink and blunt.

Her addictions have turned the moral, good, devout Catholic woman that loves me into something that would prostitute itself for the drugs and alcohol her addictions require for months and see nothing wrong with doing that. That is why I am walking away at the beginning of the New Year. It isn’t because I don’t love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, but because I love her enough to walk away and protect myself from what her addictions are doing to me.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

I found this on a website devoted to helping youth leadership excel and building good character. It sounds like something that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would have liked and participated in when she was younger.

The Six Pillars of Character:

The CHARACTER COUNTS! approach to character education doesn’t exclude anyone. That’s why we base our programs and materials on six ethical values that everyone can agree on — values that are not political, religious, or culturally biased. Use the points below to help young people understand the Six Pillars, and use the mnemonic devices at right to help them remember.

Trustworthiness

Be honest • Don’t deceive, cheat, or steal • Be reliable — do what you say you’ll do • Have the courage to do the right thing • Build a good reputation • Be loyal — stand by your family, friends, and country

Respect

Treat others with respect; follow the Golden Rule • Be tolerant and accepting of differences • Use good manners, not bad language • Be considerate of the feelings of others • Don’t threaten, hit or hurt anyone • Deal peacefully with anger, insults, and disagreements

Responsibility

Do what you are supposed to do • Plan ahead • Persevere: keep on trying! • Always do your best • Use self-control • Be self-disciplined • Think before you act — consider the consequences • Be accountable for your words, actions, and attitudes • Set a good example for others

Fairness

Play by the rules • Take turns and share • Be open-minded; listen to others • Don’t take advantage of others • Don’t blame others carelessly • Treat all people fairly

Caring

Be kind • Be compassionate and show you care • Express gratitude • Forgive others • Help people in need

Citizenship

Do your share to make your school and community better • Cooperate • Get involved in community affairs • Stay informed; vote • Be a good neighbor • Obey laws and rules • Respect authority • Protect the environment • Volunteer

The six ethical values the program mentions were all things that my Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—the amazing woman I asked to marry me—firmly believed in. To Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, these were all things that were an integral part of her character.

Trustworthiness

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was one of the most honest people I have ever met before she succumbed to her addictions. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I always told each other the truth, and as far as I know, she has still never lied to me. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley used to have the courage to do the right thing—she was loyal to her friends and family. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley used to be someone who you could trust to do what she had promised.

The drug-addicted alcoholic that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has become is none of these things. The drug-addicted alcoholic has lied about who Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I are to each other, denied the lifelong love, trust, respect, caring, devotion, loyalty and friendship we have shared between us, and defamed me.

The drug-addicted alcoholic is undependable and dishonest. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley sees nothing wrong with using fake IDs on a regular basis to deceive and commit felonies to get the alcohol her addictions require. The drug-addicted alcoholic is a coward like her father.

Respect

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley believed in respecting herself and others. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley generally treated people fairly and was considerate of their feelings. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would never intentionally hurt people, especially the people she loved and cared about.

The drug-addicted alcoholic doesn’t respect anyone—not even herself. If she had respect for herself, she would have never prostituted herself and traded her body for the drugs and alcohol her addictions require. This may sound harsh and mean, but it is the truth of what Lauren Elizabeth Kelley did with Jarrod and probably others during the last 19 months she has been a drug-addicted alcoholic.

What is left of my beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley listens to music with such profane and misogynistic lyrics that the songs can not be broadcast over the radio airwaves legally.

The drunken addict doesn’t care about who she hurts or what lies she tells as long as she can get the drugs and alcohol her addictions require.

Fairness

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley believed in playing by the rules, being open-minded, listening to others and not taking advantage of others. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would apologize if she felt she had taken advantage of someone and try to make amends. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley believed in the truth and honesty. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley believed in taking responsibility for her actions and their consequences.

The drug-addicted alcoholic doesn’t believe the rules or laws apply to her—how could she when following the laws and rules would deprive her of the drugs and alcohol her addictions require. The drug-addicted is dishonest and will take advantage of anyone to get the drugs and alcohol, even if it means lying and hurting people.

The drug addicted-alcoholic takes no responsibility for her actions. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has often posted things like “I’m not responsible for anything that happened in the last twelve hours” on her social media accounts. Often, these posts followed her staying out all night and likely having slept with random strangers she met at bars, like she did last January during the AFC championships.

The drug-addicted alcoholic won’t listen to the truth because addictions are diseases that thrive only in the dark of ignorance and apathy. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley were able to see the truth, she would realize all that her addictions are costing her—her health, her grades, her pride, her mind, her future, and the man she loves.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has forgotten how to treat people fairly. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley were healthy, she would be appalled at the things she has done and said because of her addictions. I doubt there is anything left of the beautiful, amazing, smart, funny, honest and moral woman I love, since it certainly seems like nothing she does matters to her anymore except getting high or drunk.

Caring

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was one of the most compassionate women I knew. Why else would Lauren Elizabeth Kelley care about what Gee, a woman she had never met, never known and who had been dead for ten years, feel about us getting married—my getting re-married.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley genuinely cared about other people and would do things like run charity 5 km races to raise funds for food banks and such. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would express gratitude for the things people did for her rather than arrogantly take them as her just rewards.

The drug-addicted alcoholic is incapable of gratitude or caring about anyone other than herself. She is selfish, greedy, cowardly, weak and dishonest.

What is left of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley can not see how much I love her and why it matters that I would give her something of my twin brother’s—something that is irreplaceable and I have owned for over 25 years. The significance of such an act is completely lost on the selfish, apathetic, stupid and weak drug-addicted drunken wretch that the woman I love has become.

Citizenship

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley used to care about making the world a better place. In 2008, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was fairly active politically and supported Barack Obama and helped get out the vote for his first Presidential campaign, even though she was too young to actually vote herself.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley believed in being an active citizen and trying to improve society. She believed in laws and rules and respected authority.

The drug-addicted alcoholic probably barely made it out to vote. The drug-addicted alcoholic certainly hasn’t believed in being a good citizen or obeying the laws and rules of our society. Instead, she has been having “Friday night blunts and sushi” with her other drug-using friends, like @PrincessP0thead and @Melxrose29.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was a woman of character, morals, integrity and honesty. The drug-addicted alcoholic that is all that is left of her clearly is not.

I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is not so far gone to her addictions that her core beliefs could have so dramatically changed. However, drug-addiction and alcoholism are both diseases that change how a person behaves quite radically and often makes them do things that they would generally not do if they were healthy.

Yet, the smart, wise and insightful woman I love can not see what her addictions have made her do and how harmful they are to her, her health, and her future.

I just wish Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would pull her head out of her ass and wake up and realize how her addictions are going to destroy the bright future she once had before her unless she does something about them soon.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

Mike Miller writes the following on the Breaking the Cycles blog:

As a recovering alcoholic I know how hard it is to stop drinking. I also know that someone who really wants to can begin the “alcohol recovery” process at any time.

Right now is always a good time to quit drinking. Right now is a good place to begin the “alcohol recovery” process. And a good place to start is by taking an alcohol awareness class. These courses educate not only about the dangers of alcohol and diving under the influence, but more importantly teach skills on how to begin the alcohol recovery process and follow it through to a lifelong commitment to sobriety.

There is no quitting alcoholism. Alcoholism is a life-long addiction. That certainly does not mean that once you are an alcoholic all is hopeless. Quite the contrary, despite being an alcoholic, a life of sobriety is only one major decision away – the decision not to drink EVER again.

You see once you are an alcoholic you MUST STAY SOBER. You must not drink alcohol ever again. That does not have to be frightening. After all, if you are an alcoholic, odds are you are not happy being an alcoholic.

If there is a strong desire to change it will happen. An alcoholic cannot stay in denial forever. Long before I declared my alcoholism I knew I had a serious problem. Evidenced by that were my many chances at quitting – all ending in failure when I thought I could handle one beer, or one glass of wine. Sometimes months of effort were thrown out the door by these one drink nights.

STAGE 1 – QUITTING

So now you have accomplished the first hurdle of the alcohol recovery process – you decided to and quit drinking. Heck, this part may be tough, but most of us alcoholics who have been sober for years were able to get to this phase many, many times. Once you have quit 10 or 11 times, quitting is the easy part.

I hope that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley can see that right now is a good time for her to quit drinking and doing drugs—before the next semester starts.

STAGE 2 – SUPPORT

I am not belittling the important of stage 1 – without it; there could never be a stage 2. Simply put, this is where you stay sober for the rest of your life. This is the hard part because it is for the rest of your life (really, you cannot go back and drink if you want to stay sober).

However, the hardest part of stage two are the first 2 weeks, then the next 2 months, then the next six months, then the next year.

What I am trying to say is the alcohol recovery process gets easier and easier.

The key to long-term success is support. You MUST have support. Alcoholics Anonymous or a similar group should definitely be a part of your post-quitting alcohol recovery program.

I want Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to know that I love her and will be there for her if she decides to try and fight her addictions. It is what I promised her, her mother Sue and her sister Bridget. I have asked Lauren Elizabeth Kelley to marry me and want to spend the rest of my life with her still—even if it means spending it walking beside the incredible woman that loves me on her long road to recover for the rest of my life.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley must know that if she wants my help, she needs to ask me for help soon. If she does not ask me for help before January, when I will be walking away from the drug-addicted alcoholic, she will have to do so much more to get the help I have promised her. Instead of just making her amends and asking me for help, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will have to seek me out; make amends for the devastation and lies that her addictions have caused; show me that she is once again herself and more than the drug-addicted alcoholic that she has been for eighteen months; show me that she has made a place in her life beside her and that she is willing to fight to keep me there; and that she is as committed to me and our relationship as I have always been.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knows that the man she loves deserves at least this much for being as committed, devoted and loyal to her—even when the drug-addicted alcoholic she has become wasn’t deserving of it. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knows that this is the right thing to do.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

In so many ways, the future I talked about with the woman I love is now only a dream. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has clearly fallen to her addictions and there is nothing left of the amazing woman I asked to marry me but the drug-addicted alcoholic that is all that anyone has seen for the last eighteen months.

Today is Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s last day of finals for her fall semester of her junior year at Emmanuel College. I hope that she has done better than she did her sophomore year. While I don’t know how she has done, I am hoping that it is better than the fall semester a year ago, where Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was so out of touch with classes and her studies that she posted that she was just getting into the swing of school during finals week—having spent most of the semester in a drug-and-alcohol induced haze.

After much thought and consideration, I have decided to walk away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley this January. It isn’t that I don’t love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—in fact, my love for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has only grown stronger over the past year-and-a-half. If you truly love someone, their absence from your life doesn’t weaken your love for them—true love only grows over time—even if the person you love isn’t with you. This has been true for my love for Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, as it is for my love for Gee.

It isn’t that I want to abandon Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—I am still as committed to the amazing, beautiful, funny, strong, smart, capable, adorable, and lovable woman that loves me as I have ever been. I have realized her addictions are slowly destroying not only Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, but me as well. If all that is left of the incredible woman I love is the drug-addicted alcoholic, then there is no reason for me to stay.

This is how I choose to remember Lauren Elizabeth Kelley,the incredible woman I love. I choose to remember her as she was—when she still believed in herself, loved herself and trusted herself. I choose to remember her when she knew we loved each other—even if only as friends—and knew who she and I were to each other.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley giving me bunny ears at Fire & Ice on her 18th birthday

I choose to remember Lauren Elizabeth Kelley as the person who knew what it was like to laugh, smile and be loved by me—the young woman that let me walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist in a hug and rest my chin on her shoulder—the woman who would smile when I would wake her with gifts of iced coffee and mini-cheesecakes—the woman I would give stomach raspberries and hold her when she’d squirm and wriggle as I tickled her. I choose to remember Lauren Elizabeth Kelley as the woman who spent a week talking about the future we both wanted that had Asians with freckles, us getting married and raising a family and so much more.

I doubt it is any coincidence that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, one of the most honest people I have ever known, stopped speaking to me after I confronted her about her drinking. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knows that she couldn’t deny it without lying to me and I think that some part of her would rather not speak to me than have to lie to the man she loves—that she is too honest fundamentally to allow her addictions to make her lie to me. We had just spent the week previous talking about having children, getting married and everything that was involved in starting a life together.

I have come to the realization that unless Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—the incredible woman I love—is here to fight her addictions with me, all staying can do is destroy me, the man she loves. I have learned, painfully over the last eighteen months of fighting to try and help the woman I love, that her addictions and watching them destroy everything I love about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is making me become someone that I would loathe and despise as much as Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would loathe and despise the drug-addicted alcoholic she has become if she were healthy.

If I want to remain myself—remain the person who Lauren Elizabeth Kelley loves—remain the person who loves Lauren Elizabeth Kelley—then I have to walk away. Walking away will not be easy—but it is necessary for me to stay healthy and whole. If I stay, I will be destroyed by Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions long before I will be able to help her—long before she realizes she is a drug-addict and an alcoholic and that she needs to fight her addictions.

Two nights ago, I had another dream of Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. We were in the hospital, but unlike a previous dream, where Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was in the hospital because she had been seriously injured in an alcohol-fueled car crash, this was for a different and happy reason. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley was in labor and I was sitting beside her, holding her hand and coaching her through the labor contractions—awaiting the birth of our first child. I awoke before our child was born, so don’t know if it was the daughter I have seen in my previous dreams of us.

I don’t know if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley and I will ever have the Asians with freckles we talked about—the ones she wanted to name Kelley and Cadence—the ones she said she adored. Given my Korean heritage and Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s red-haired, freckled alabaster skinned Irish countenance—Asians with freckles is likely what our children would be. I hope my dream is a portent of a future to come, rather than of something her addictions have stolen from us both.

I still dream of marrying my beautiful, strong, feisty, smart, funny and lovable freckled, red-haired Irish rose. I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is the woman Gee asked me to look for after she was gone. I have loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and I know I always will.

Even though this song is about breast cancer, I think the idea of being committed to someone with any illness is one that is important to me. I saw Shelley and Gee through their fights with cancer and I have pledged to see Lauren Elizabeth Kelley through her long road to recovery from her addictions to alcohol and drugs if she were willing to fight her addictions. This was a promise I made to her, her mother Sue and her sister Bridget.

I do not understand how people can abandon someone they love because of an illness. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is still the person I love and still the woman I asked to marry me. Though Lauren Elizabeth Kelley’s addictions have made her behave in ways that she would never do if she were healthy, fundamentally, she is still the same person she was before she fell to her addictions. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley still has the same beliefs, the same morals, the same core honesty that she always did.

If she ever fights her addictions enough for her to return to being her true self, and asks me to marry her, I would in a heartbeat, even knowing that it means walking beside her on her long road to recovery for the rest of my life. But, then again, that is merely what I have promised the beautiful, smart, strong, sexy, lovable, funny, brave, honest, and sweet woman I adore.

I don’t know if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will ever find the strength, will and courage to fight her addictions or face her fears. I am walking away so that if my beautiful and much beloved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley does find the strength, courage and will to face her fears, insecurities and self-doubts and finally fight her addictions I will be strong enough and healthy enough to help her—that I will be able to walk beside her on her long road to recovery as I have promised.

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley finds the strength, courage and will to fight her addictions and to make amends for the horrific devastation and lies her addictions have caused her to do and say, then I hope she will seek me out. I do not hold what her addictions have made her say and do against her and forgive her for them since I can no more blame Lauren Elizabeth Kelley for what her addictions have made her say and do than I could have blamed Gee for the complications caused by her cancer.

But, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is responsible for making amends for what she has said and done because of her addictions. This is a necessary part of her recovery process and if she finds the strength and courage to make amends, I hope she will come and tell me and ask to be a part of my life again. If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is once again herself and can prove to me that she has made a place for me beside her in her life and is willing to fight to keep me there and is as committed to us and our relationship as I have always been—I will welcome her back in to my life.

The amazing woman that loves me knows that these requirements are not negotiable and only the least of what I deserve for being steadfast, loyal and loving beyond any reasonable measure—especially when the drug-addicted alcoholic did so much to be undeserving of such loyalty and devotion. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley will know that this is the right thing to do if she wants me back in her life.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

“Marry Me”

Forever can never be long enough for me
To feel like I’ve had long enough with you
Forget the world now we won’t let them see
But there’s one thing left to do

Now that the weight has lifted
Love has surely shifted my way

Marry me
Today and every day
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Mm-hmm

Together could never be close enough for me
To feel like I am close enough to you
You’ll wear white and I’ll wear out the words “I love you”
And “you’re beautiful”
Now that the wait is over
And love and has finally shown her my way

Marry me
Today and every day
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will
Mm-hmm
Say you will
Mm-hmm

Promise me
You’ll always be
Happy by my side
I promise to
Sing to you
When all the music dies

Marry me
Today and everyday
Marry me
If I ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe
Say you will
I will
Come on say you will
You know I will
Marry me

“I’m Gonna Love You Through It”

She dropped the phone and burst into tears
The doctor just confirmed her fears
Her husband held it in and held her tight
Cancer don’t discriminate or care if you’re just 38
With three kids who need you in their lives
He said, “I know that you’re afraid and I am, too
But you’ll never be alone, I promise you”

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

She made it through the surgery fine
They said they caught it just in time
But they had to take more than they planned
Now it’s forced smiles and baggy shirts
To hide what the cancer took from her
But she just wants to feel like a woman again
She said, “I don’t think I can do this anymore”
He took her in his arms and said “That’s what my love is for”

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.

And when this road gets too long
I’ll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
I’m gonna love you through it.

My wonderful niece Ellice wrote this as her status update on Facebook earlier today. I think the idea behind it is wonderful and beautiful, but something that not all people are capable of doing.

When pottery breaks in japan, they adhere the pieces back together with gold or something other that is precious to signify the value of unifying the broken shards.

It’d be beautiful if there were physical signifiers such as that for every broken interpersonal relationship that reconciled with total recommitment. We’d be shining with gold and silver and precious materials, you’d have to squint to stand the beams of light. At least, for those of us who do not live in bitterness and unwillingness to forgive—for those of us who take the extra 30-60 minutes to trudge through difficult conversations and make hard actions to demonstrate depth of meaning.

In some ways, the very fact that these kinds of brokennesses are NOT physically visible… is an act of grace.

While kintsugi, the Japanese art of repairing pottery with gold imbued resin, deals with ceramics rather than glass, the lyrics of this song—the idea of picking up the pieces and putting them back together, rather than throwing them all away remains much the same as what my niece wrote.

Unlike a lot of younger people today, I believe in fixing things if it is at all possible to do so. In many cases, fixing something can make it as good as new or better—especially if what you are fixing is something that you have had and cherished for many years.

Likewise, there are things in my life that I think are still worth repairing if it is at all possible. My relationship with Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is one of those things—I have known and loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life—longer than I have loved any other woman. I always will love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. I do not know how to not love Lauren Elizabeth Kelley. It is that simple.

Even though I am walking away from Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, I am not burning any bridges and if she should recover and seek me out, I would love to have her back in my life—provided she is clean and sober or working on her way to becoming clean and sober. I have promised the amazing woman I love that I would walk beside her on her long road to recovery, and if she should ask me to, I would still do it.

If Lauren Elizabeth Kelley ever manages to fight her addictions and return to being the amazing woman I love, I hope that she and I will be able to reconcile our relationship and start on the future we had once talked about. I know Lauren Elizabeth Kelley loves me because she has told me so dozens of times.

I know I am willing to forgive her for all that has happened over the past eighteen months, since she fell to her addictions. I just don’t know if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is strong enough to fight her addictions or whether Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is gracious and serene enough to forgive herself for the horrific things her addictions have made her do and say.

I am certain that if Lauren Elizabeth Kelley ever finds the strength, courage and will to fight her addictions and the serenity to face her fears and love herself, trust herself and believe in herself as she once did, that the truth of the love she and I share will be strong enough to bring us back together again.

What Lauren Elizabeth Kelley doesn’t seem to realize or remember is what a truly amazing woman she has grown into. Somehow, the pain and hurt of Ian’s betrayal of her almost two years ago has triggered all the fears, insecurities and self-doubts her father’s years of emotional abuse had left Lauren Elizabeth Kelley with. I thought she had gotten past them, because, at least for a short while, Lauren Elizabeth Kelley knew how beautiful, strong, smart, lovable and capable she was—her confidence in herself was pretty clearly visible in photos of her from this short time period before Ian betrayed her.

Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is one of the most beautiful, intelligent, gracious, strong, capable, compassionate, stubborn, honest and lovable women I have ever known. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, at least the woman I love, is brave, moral, good, caring, decent, feisty, strong-willed and proud. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley, the woman that loves me, cares about herself and her friends and family—she would do anything to protect them and would never hurt them intentionally. Lauren Elizabeth Kelley is a woman of morals, honesty, integrity and a devout Catholic.

The drug-addicted alcoholic that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley has been for the past eighteen months is so much less than what Lauren Elizabeth Kelley should be. The drug-addicted alcoholic is everything that Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would loathe and despise if she were healthy—dishonest, selfish, greedy, stupid, immoral, weak, pathetic, and cowardly.

I know this because I have known Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life; loved Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life; cared about Lauren Elizabeth Kelley all of her life and been one of her closest friends and confidantes for years. I know who Lauren Elizabeth Kelley really is. I just wish Lauren Elizabeth Kelley would believe in herself again, love herself again and trust herself again enough to follow what her heart wants.

I wish my beautiful Lauren Elizabeth Kelley well and hope she is doing well in her studies. I wish her luck on her finals, which start tomorrow. There is a small part of me that hopes she fails miserably because it might be the safest and shortest route to Lauren Elizabeth Kelley hitting rock bottom and realizing that her addiction to drugs and alcohol is a problem, but I love her too much for that to be much more than a distant and small hope.

God Bless you Lauren Elizabeth.

May God watch over you and protect you from all harm—even that you cause yourself.

I hope God gives you the strength to fight your addictions and the wisdom to see the truth about what the alcohol and drugs are doing to you.

I pray that God grants you the serenity and peace you will need to love yourself once again and to forgive yourself for the things your addictions have made you do.

I ask that God helps you find your way back to being the amazing, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, stubborn, strong, and devout woman He wants you to be.

Finally, may He grant you the ability to see yourself as I do and let you remember who we are to each other; let you remember the years of friendship, love and devotion we once shared; and give you the strength to make amends so we can start the future together we talked about last June.

All this in Jesus’s name I pray.

Amen.

Glass by Thomson Square

Tryin’ to live and love
With a heart that can’t be broken
Is like tryin’ to see the light
With eyes that can’t be opened

Yeah, we both carry baggage
We picked up on our way
So if you love me, do it gently
And I will do the same

We may shine, we may shatter
We may be pickin’ up the pieces here on after
We are fragile, we are human
We are shaped by the light we let through us
But we break fast ’cause we are glass
‘Cause we are glass

I’ll let you look inside me
Through the stains and through the cracks
And in the darkness of this moment
You see the good in that

But try not to judge me
‘Cause we’ve walked down different paths
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]
But it brought us here together
So I won’t take that back

We may shine, we may shatter
We may be pickin’ up the pieces here on after
We are fragile, we are human
We are shaped by the light we let through us
But we break fast ’cause we are glass

We might be all in water
This could be a big mistake
We might burn like gasoline and fire
It’s a chance we’ll have to take

We may shine, we may shatter
We may be pickin’ up the pieces here on after
We are fragile, we are human
And we are shaped by the light we let through us
But we break fast ’cause we are glass
We are glass